Disengaged
My hubby and I have been married a year and a half together for three. He has custody of his two boys (10&11 years old) and they go with their mom on the weekends. She does little to nothing for them financially or growth and development wise. Since we have been together, my hubby hasn't really put a value on their education or their growth and development. Last school year, I played the role of PTA mom and was at the school talking to the teachers because they were not doing well. This school year, they are still failing, the younger one has behavior problems and I have been the one at his iep meetings because he reads on a second grade level and he is in 4th grade. Theybare offering him special education services and hubby doesntbseem concerned. My hubby has never been to a meeting and the school is like what's that about? All my hubby is concerned about is them watching tv and playing on the computer. Now we have a 3 month old (my first biological child) and my time and attention is devoted to him. I still tried to take them to the library and help them read and do homework while hubby sat home and relaxed. So recently, I told them no tv because they can't keep the basement (their bedroom area) clean, they don't wash their hands before entering my fridge and coming out the bathroom (which is a pet peeve of mine) and they lie and aren't doing what they should in school. He tells them they can watch tv anyway! I tell them watch it in the basement, not in the living room, he tells them they can watch it in the living room because they don't need to stay in the basement all the time! I'm trying to teach them for every action there is a consequence and privileges are to be earned! The last thing they should be doing is watching tv all day on a snow day with failing grades! But I look like the evil step mom. Soooo I'm taking the stance not my kids not my problem. Their dad wants them to watch tv all the time and have no consequences, let them watch it! I can pour my time and attention into my baby and be responsible for his growth and development. It's making me dislike them because they bring division between hubby and I! So I'm not going to pay attention to them or take them to th library or essentially care if they fail or become destitute. They have parents who don't seem to care so why should I? Let the boob tube raise them! Ive talked to hubby about undermining me and about the importance of education, but he is more concerned about their enjoyment and tv watching. So I'm disengaging! Right?
That's what I think I'm going
That's what I think I'm going to have to do. It's just making me resentful of them because they are the cause of the division. I need to try to work on that feeling.
Work on the feeling? Why? You
Work on the feeling? Why? You have a right to feel the way you do. You didn't marry the skids, you married your husband. You tried to do the right thing, the skids don't appreciate it, so screw 'em.
I agree, you shouldn't care
I agree, you shouldn't care more than their own parents and you shouldn't be the one trying to make them do what they need to do.
With your husband having custody, my concern would be what they are going to do when they become adults. Keep living with you because they are uneducated and lazy? Unfortunately, you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences later. That's what sucks!
I thought about that. I told
I thought about that. I told my hubby at 18 it's over. If they aren't going to someone's college /university or military, they have to go! Perhaps with the mother but out my house! I wish she would take them now!
I know it's difficult to not
I know it's difficult to not place blame squarely where it needs to be, but you can't resent the kids for doing what kids do -- push every button and envelope there is if given the chance.
Your DH is the one to be resentful towards, not the kids. He is creating an environment of him vs you, and of course the kids will pick up on that and you will become the bad guy for having rules/expectations/accountabilities. That is extremely apparent in the way he contradicts what you say to them.
And trust me, I've been there and done that... My DH was (and sometimes still is) so blind to his kids' behaviors it makes me want to barf. It did make me resentful of them, especially when I was trying to raise MY TWO KIDS with some modicum of respect and responsibility. Difficult to do when two kids are held to certain standards while the other two are allowed to run amok. But I realized the ENTIRE issue rested on my DH's shoulders because he was the one allowing such behaviors.
Without the fathers backing
Without the fathers backing you're helpless. If you really care about them see if he will agree to just stay out of it completely. I.e. let all decisions fall to you without fail. This means he cannot counter any instructions you've made. Frankly I doubt if he can do that but it may be worth a try.
Remember somebody has to dig the ditches in our world and if that's where these kids are headed let them go. It could be worse I guess. Meanwhile as you said you can concentrate on your bio-kid. By the way don't have another one. As his kids grow I predict the situation will become intolerable for you as male teenagers become close to ungovernable under the circumstances you describe. Your best hope is that they continue to immerse themselves in their fantasy world of TV and gaming.
But even that will become a problem when they won't leave and Daddy in effect says they don't eat much just let them continue to live in the basement and drag their filthy unwashed hands up to your refrigerator. Like I said it will become untenable for you to live with them.
Here is an article on disengaging but none of it is locked in concrete. Read it for what you can gain from it and continue to support your kid.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
That article was very
That article was very helpful. Although his kids are not disrespectful, it's the principle of my DH not embracing what I'm trying to teach. I guess I was caught up in trying to mold them into the type of kids I thought they should be. No more! I won't tell them to bathe, turn off the tv, go to bed or anything else other than to keep my common areas clean. Beyond that, my conversation is limited. It's hard not to be resentful toward the SK because they are not disrespectful. They are sweet kids really. But if we can't co-parent, then I will disengage. Period!
Color me disengaged!
Color me disengaged!
I like the ipod, too. My
I like the ipod, too. My b***** SD often comes in the kitchen while I am cooking dinner just to pick a fight with me. With ear buds in I can completely ignore her and she goes away. Just say, "not now, this is my song"!
I'll try that one too!
I'll try that one too!