It may relieve a lot of the frustration a SP has towards the skid(s). It really shouldn't affect the skid that much. They still have both parents (or whatever the situation was before the SP came into their lives.
I went to hell and back, then to hell again when DH was CP. I made a ton of mistakes, and that was because at the urging of my family and DH to engage and be someone his kid could count on.
That bit me in the ass.
After nearly two years of hell and nearly divorcing my DH, I found this site and read StepMonster. I was introduced to disengaging.
I stopped being involved with DH's kid on every level. I only spoke to her when she asked me a question. I never discussed anything personal with her or discussed my family. I stopped engaging her in conversation. If she came to me about something she needed or wanted, I told her I'm not your parent, go ask your father or Uberksank. I stopped buying gifts or giving money to DH for half of any gifts for her birthday or Christmas. I refused to spend any money on her whatsoever.
I stopped caring about what she ate or drank. If DH wanted to spend a million dollars on her (we have separate finances), then he was welcome to spend money on an ungrateful brat.
About a year after I disengaged, she tried to very hard to get me to tell her that I loved her (I didn't, still don't) or to be friendly towards her. DH suggested we go get pedis together, I was busy that day. She would be excessively nice to me, I'd be polite but remained disengaged.
At 3.5 years now, I still don't make an effort to get to know her. She burned her bridges with me and I keep her at an arms length. She and DH now had a decent relationship, though I feel he tries to undermine Uberskanks rules. Though she's a nutter, they're still her rules and he should respect them. But I keep my mouth shut. She still comes to me from time to time, and I direct her back to her father and Uberskank.
For me....disengaging is the only answer. I'm happy DH has a good relationship with her. I don't desire one or need one. I never wanted kids, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
SD16 lives with us so I cannot fully disengage. When I tried it ended up bringing DH and SD closer which would have been fine but then I became enemy number one!! The whispering started, secrets behind my back, DH was her friend and I was the mean one. It was ridiculous! I was out of the loop and she was lying to him about me and the kids, making up crazy stories!! I had to put an end to it!
So I'm not really disengaged but I do not discipline her, I don't ask her to do chores or homework or to clean her room. I do the bare minimum.
How will disengaging change your feelings for the SKID?
Probably not in the slightest.
How will it affect the SKID in the long run? Don't give a monkey's. I disengaged in order to retain MY sanity. SKIDs already had THEIR needs met from multiple sources, whereas mine were completely ignored.
Same here. I disengaged out of sheer survival's sake. My life was in shambles, I was miserable, I never got anywhere with DH, my anxiety levels were thru the roof, my sanity was shaky at best, and I just got to where I was so mad and mean. I finally just said F#%K THIS!!! I am not going to wear myself out trying to fix someone else's problem and make up for someone else's mistakes. He is not my kid, don't want a relationship with him, don't want anything to do with him, and I am not sorry. I had to retain a little bit of self respect and stand up for myself.
I find disengaging hard because we have a kid together. I too have tried to fisebgage and be non communicatove and it gas blown up in my face. I try hard to be positive but the little brats show up,the whole house gets ripped apart and then they leave. They are going to be here the entire week of easter. I am dreading it already. I do get in a bad moid when i hear about them. When i hear they are coming. Probably because everything is last minute.
"Disengaging" I do love this word. I did it months ago, but did not work for me, I felt guilty and demanded respect from the SD and DH.
The situation changed for about 3 or 4 days, we are back to normal now (SD does not respond, do not make eye contact, SD thinks I am only her maid and not going to therapy with her psychologist any more).
So as I am 37 weeks pregnant I decided to disengage again, as I felt very nervous during the last days.
Now, my DH wants to move, nearer BM´s house, so SD can visit us more often or she can come directly to our place after school.
Thanks God we are not now in a financial position to move again, so I guess if he cannot pick her up from school I will not do it, as I will be taking care of our BD and the little baby (to be born in a few days).
I've been disengaged from the get go because that's my personality. Current SO is the second man I disappointed because I don't fawn over his kid. If I disengage any more I'll have to move out.
That said I try hard to be civil and polite, and sometimes the skid has responded in kind especially if SO is a witness to his behavior.
I told SO from the very start that I cannot give him the fantasy family he never had. He insists that's not what he wants, but his actions tell me otherwise.
So now I no longer cook for SS. I will no longer subject my cooking to Prince SS' inspection only to have him turn his nose up at it 90% of the time. I do very few chores. I just leave most of the dishes for SO or SS. The floors haven't been swept in a month and the 3 dogs have left huge tumbleweeds all over the house. Hard to ignore but I do. And I've never been asked to take SS to school, thankfully. I think my hard line stance from the beginning has saved me from a lot of parenting duties.
I find when I do less myself, I worry less about SS' lazy butt doing a half-assed job on his chores and SO still paying him full allowance.
It may relieve a lot of the
It may relieve a lot of the frustration a SP has towards the skid(s). It really shouldn't affect the skid that much. They still have both parents (or whatever the situation was before the SP came into their lives.
I went to hell and back, then
I went to hell and back, then to hell again when DH was CP. I made a ton of mistakes, and that was because at the urging of my family and DH to engage and be someone his kid could count on.
That bit me in the ass.
After nearly two years of hell and nearly divorcing my DH, I found this site and read StepMonster. I was introduced to disengaging.
I stopped being involved with DH's kid on every level. I only spoke to her when she asked me a question. I never discussed anything personal with her or discussed my family. I stopped engaging her in conversation. If she came to me about something she needed or wanted, I told her I'm not your parent, go ask your father or Uberksank. I stopped buying gifts or giving money to DH for half of any gifts for her birthday or Christmas. I refused to spend any money on her whatsoever.
I stopped caring about what she ate or drank. If DH wanted to spend a million dollars on her (we have separate finances), then he was welcome to spend money on an ungrateful brat.
About a year after I disengaged, she tried to very hard to get me to tell her that I loved her (I didn't, still don't) or to be friendly towards her. DH suggested we go get pedis together, I was busy that day. She would be excessively nice to me, I'd be polite but remained disengaged.
At 3.5 years now, I still don't make an effort to get to know her. She burned her bridges with me and I keep her at an arms length. She and DH now had a decent relationship, though I feel he tries to undermine Uberskanks rules. Though she's a nutter, they're still her rules and he should respect them. But I keep my mouth shut. She still comes to me from time to time, and I direct her back to her father and Uberskank.
For me....disengaging is the only answer. I'm happy DH has a good relationship with her. I don't desire one or need one. I never wanted kids, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
SD16 lives with us so I
SD16 lives with us so I cannot fully disengage. When I tried it ended up bringing DH and SD closer which would have been fine but then I became enemy number one!! The whispering started, secrets behind my back, DH was her friend and I was the mean one. It was ridiculous! I was out of the loop and she was lying to him about me and the kids, making up crazy stories!! I had to put an end to it!
So I'm not really disengaged but I do not discipline her, I don't ask her to do chores or homework or to clean her room. I do the bare minimum.
How will disengaging change
How will disengaging change your feelings for the SKID?
Probably not in the slightest.
How will it affect the SKID in the long run? Don't give a monkey's. I disengaged in order to retain MY sanity. SKIDs already had THEIR needs met from multiple sources, whereas mine were completely ignored.
Same here. I disengaged out
Same here. I disengaged out of sheer survival's sake. My life was in shambles, I was miserable, I never got anywhere with DH, my anxiety levels were thru the roof, my sanity was shaky at best, and I just got to where I was so mad and mean. I finally just said F#%K THIS!!! I am not going to wear myself out trying to fix someone else's problem and make up for someone else's mistakes. He is not my kid, don't want a relationship with him, don't want anything to do with him, and I am not sorry. I had to retain a little bit of self respect and stand up for myself.
I find disengaging hard
I find disengaging hard because we have a kid together. I too have tried to fisebgage and be non communicatove and it gas blown up in my face. I try hard to be positive but the little brats show up,the whole house gets ripped apart and then they leave. They are going to be here the entire week of easter. I am dreading it already. I do get in a bad moid when i hear about them. When i hear they are coming. Probably because everything is last minute.
"Disengaging" I do love this
"Disengaging" I do love this word. I did it months ago, but did not work for me, I felt guilty and demanded respect from the SD and DH.
The situation changed for about 3 or 4 days, we are back to normal now (SD does not respond, do not make eye contact, SD thinks I am only her maid and not going to therapy with her psychologist any more).
So as I am 37 weeks pregnant I decided to disengage again, as I felt very nervous during the last days.
Now, my DH wants to move, nearer BM´s house, so SD can visit us more often or she can come directly to our place after school.
Thanks God we are not now in a financial position to move again, so I guess if he cannot pick her up from school I will not do it, as I will be taking care of our BD and the little baby (to be born in a few days).
Disengage is the answer for me!!
I've been disengaged from the
I've been disengaged from the get go because that's my personality. Current SO is the second man I disappointed because I don't fawn over his kid. If I disengage any more I'll have to move out.
That said I try hard to be civil and polite, and sometimes the skid has responded in kind especially if SO is a witness to his behavior.
I told SO from the very start that I cannot give him the fantasy family he never had. He insists that's not what he wants, but his actions tell me otherwise.
So now I no longer cook for SS. I will no longer subject my cooking to Prince SS' inspection only to have him turn his nose up at it 90% of the time. I do very few chores. I just leave most of the dishes for SO or SS. The floors haven't been swept in a month and the 3 dogs have left huge tumbleweeds all over the house. Hard to ignore but I do. And I've never been asked to take SS to school, thankfully. I think my hard line stance from the beginning has saved me from a lot of parenting duties.
I find when I do less myself, I worry less about SS' lazy butt doing a half-assed job on his chores and SO still paying him full allowance.