NEED HELP ASAP
Hey guys, I need some advice!! Long story short, 9 year blended family, SS16, SD15, BD16, BD10. My husband and I agreed many years ago when we decided to get married and blend our family that we would do things as a team, we would treat the kids equally and we would always discuss everything and make decisions together as they pertained to the kids and the things that happened in our home, and we have always done that. Now, out fo the blue, my SD15, is using this against us. My husband's ex has been trying to get the kids to want to come to her instead of us for years (they have joint physical and legal, 50/50 parenting time) my SS16 won't budge, he likes equal time with both parents and is not easily manipulated by his mom, although both kids are scared of her (she is crazy, and I mean that literally) however my SD is easily manipulated and bought by her mom. I am now the target, not surprising, since I am the "stepmom". At first it was I am horrible, I stress her out, etc. When she couldn't come up with any particular reason why (and let me paint a picture here, when she is with us, she is fine, we have fun, we hang out, she texts me on mother's day, etc. oh, and all she does at our house is complain about her mom and step dad, and how much they scream at her and how horrible things are there, but we know she likes to play both sides so we don't make an issue of it). Then the issue became she doesn't think my husband should be discussing things with me that pertain to her. Literally my husband, his ex and SD had a meeting last week (because we still don't have June visitation schedule, we do it month to month based on biomom work schedule) becuase SD wanted less time here, which we won't concede to, and bio mom and SD want my husband to agree to not discuss anything involving SD or SS with me, not where they are coming or going, when they are coming or going, what happens at school, anything about them at all. They believe that is none of my business! My husband and I both believe this is absurd! how can we have a healthy marriage if we don't discuss things like that, and how can we have a functional household like that. Keep in mind my bio children that are also living in the home, I have primary custody of mine so they are there basically all the time. We have a family of six, all play sports, some work, etc. For us not to communicate about 2 of them seems ludicrous to me, are we completely wrong here, am I missing something? HELP!
No advice really but you've
No advice really but you've been doing this for 9 years I believe you said and why do they up and want to change it now? If it was working - then keep doing it like you've always done it. I think someone is just trying to cause a ruckus.
You are exactly right, they
You are exactly right, they are trying to cause a ruckus. This is an attempt to try and find something wrong with our house as a reason behind lessoning SD's time at our house. Basically she wants to have less time at our house and more time at mom's house becuase mom's house has no rules, and mom showers her with gifts, etc. and doesn't make them work for anything. Both my SS and bio daughter have cars and drive. difference is, I make my bio daughter pay for her car insurance and her own gas in her car, therefore she has a job. my SS? nope, biomom pays for it all and bitches because we won't contribute. Mind you, both SS and my BD are high honor students and year round athletes, so I know my SS can find time to work too, but BM likes to spoil the kids to make them want to be with her. funny thing is with SS it doesn't work, yes, he takes the freebies, but he still enjoys the time at our house and has said he likes it 50/50...won't give up time with his dad and I. SD though will take more freebies and less rules at BM's house if it means making mom happy and haviing less time at our house. BUt they have to have a reason for the less time..this is the best they could come up with (insert eyeroll here). I'm just wondering if I am missing something...as in..should I really not be communicating with my husband..lol
I say play the stupid game
I say play the stupid game and let SD win stupid prizes. My guess is that you buy her stuff, take her places, help her with homework, etc. Fine, if she doesn't want you to know anything about her life, then STOP doing for her.
Sure, your DH should still talk to you about things, but play dumb. Oh, SD needs something this weekend? Tough cookies, you didn't know and made other plans that you can't back out of.
Really, she sounds like a typical 16 year old that wants all the say in her own life. Fine, give her a dose of adult reality. Show her what it's like when things don't get communicated.
Again, your DH should still talk to you, but play ignorant. I don't think you need to do it with SS, and I think your DH can make the case that until SS tells him to stop sharing that he'll continue to parent as he sees fit. However, if SD REALLY wants to go down this path, go down it full-speed. The compromise is that your DH stops communicating about her but she keeps coming for visitation so she can feel the consequences of her actions.
Really, though, it's your house and your rules. Until a judge says that SD doesn't have to split time 50/50, she does what you say.
Offer the option to BM but DH
Offer the option to BM but DH gets input on how she runs her house. That's basically what she's asking. She wants to control both houses. That doesn't work and she doesn't get to control who DH talks to and about what.
She's being ridiculous and deep down you all know it. Why you are even questioning it is beyond me. Adults know their lane and they stay in it. Put her back in her lane.
So sorry for them but your DH
So sorry for them but your DH will consult with his wife and discuss things with her that impact the home they share and the children that reside in that home full or part time.
You are his partner, his sounding board, his reality check if need be. They can't dictate that. My DH's EX pulled the "kids are none of your business" on me a few times and honestly... it doesn't matter whether DH comes up with a decision with or without my help.. ultimately he has the final say over HIS children. That's what he needs to tell them that he can and will discuss things with his wife and it is up to HIM as the father to make his final decision.
He gets to tell them that his relationship with his wife is "none of their business" and that he will discuss what he wants with whoever he wants.. the mailman, his coworkers or his wife.. sorry, they don't get veto power on that!
That DH is even discussing
That DH is even discussing this with his X or his daugther is shocking. He needs to take a firm stance, roll up the CO and beat the snot out of XW with it. He needs to give the kid clarity that she is a kid, she does what she is told when she is told and if they twitch out of alignment with the CO DH needs to file a contempt motion against BM each and every time.
Zero tolerance drives compliance. DH needs to try it.