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happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Mon, 01/26/2015 - 4:03pm

I am so happy to be here! I am so excited to find a place to vent and talk to other stepparents!

Here is my story (hope this doesn't cut out, at Starbucks, who knows about the WiFi here, lol!!)

I met my husband years ago while at work, we were both enlisted in the Navy. He was married, I was single. We became friends. I was deployed and by the time I got back he had PCS'd. Fast forward a few years, we ended up talking on Facebook, he was no divorced and I was still single. So we started dating!!!

We were both in our 30's by this time so there was no time to waste!! We got married 6 months later and he moved up to my hometown. My parents own a farm and so they retired and we took it over. Such a fun challenge!!!

Now with my husband comes his 2 kiddos. His 10 year old son and 12 year old daughter. I adore them both! The BM is amazing and we are a happy blended family. I know we are so lucky, but it hasn't come easily. We have shared custody, the BM moved to be closer to DH so the kids could have both parents. They always put the kids first, which is amazing.

The downside, sometimes Stepmom falls through the cracks. I don't always get the attention from my hubby that I want and really need. I feel a little deprived.

We have great family time, sports activities, dance, school events, family dinner (every Sunday), its idyllic.

How do I explain to the hubby how I feel? We have been married 5 years, he is my soul mate and since I can not have kids I adore his kids and I adore BM for allowing me to be in their lives, so why do I feel so bad asking for his time just for me?

Comments

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Mon, 01/26/2015 - 4:14pm

His children will always come first, which is in itself a blessing. I would never want to marry a man who would put his children second. Which makes it much more complex, I want them to come first but at the same time I want to be first every now and then. Oh the dilemma!

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Mon, 01/26/2015 - 4:16pm

Oh I don't know what that comment means! I am so sorry to hear that you feel that way. I am very excited to be somewhere with people who can help me with some of the issues my family faces daily. Thanks!!

somedevilishbeauty's picture

Submitted by somedevilishbeauty on Mon, 01/26/2015 - 4:16pm

sounds like you are off to a great start considering what some of us step parents have to deal with, but as for your feelings you need to talk to your DH about how you feel before resentment sets in and it can very fast. Ask your DH for a set date night a couple nights out of the month. Get a sitter or work it out with BM since you seem to be on good terms, im sure she could use date nights as well. while bringing up date night you do need to address that as it seems kids come first and ( yes i am guilty of it too) it is healthy to take time to put your spouse needs first sometimes for a healthy marriage.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Mon, 01/26/2015 - 4:47pm

I'm not sure why you would feel bad for asking for one-on-one time. My parents went out every other Saturday night and sure didn't feel bad about having babysitters lined up.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Mon, 01/26/2015 - 7:40pm

The BEST super most fun cool times were with my babysitters! They were teenage sisters, so one or the other would come over and bring all the "forbidden" stuff I was too young for like certain records and snacks. I just about died and went to heaven when the oldest one allowed me to look at her new curling iron set that had FOUR different barrels. Good times, good times.

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:44am

Miss Kay, I have some MIL issues, I feel like I have 2, my husbands mom and the BM's mom. They both want to get involved with everything and sometimes it is overwhelming. My mom is basically left out, I know she is the step grandma but she loves the kids. Those three women have their own issues, I try and am fairly successfully of staying out of.

I am so sorry to hear your issues, I wish I had advice but I don't, but please know your advice has been so helpful and your comments a blessing to me.

love and light

HEM

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 8:58am

I am sorry if my outlook doesn't match yours, I know exactly who I am, I know what marriage is, it is not all about me and my needs. I married a family. I am sorry if that is not what you agree with, thank you though for you comment all advice has value to me.

love and light

HEM

Living the dream's picture

Submitted by Living the dream on Mon, 01/26/2015 - 7:47pm

I've always hated those "Baby on Board" signs...as though we're all supposed to drive differently because she forgot to put in her diaphragm.

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:08am

Thank you for your advice, I am not a Christian so the Biblical reference means nothing to me, but thank you for your point of view.

love and light

HEM

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:56am

Love and light is not passive aggressive, it comes from the spiritual community, basically saying where there is love there will always be light. I am sorry if you feel it is somehow negative.

Maybe you should look at your own attitude and try and figure out why mine is so offensive to you.

love and light

HEM

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 10:07am

I use it as a signature line nothing more, but I can understand your issue and I am sorry.

I have serious issues with Christianity and the Bible, which is my issue and instead of dismissing what you said I should have given background, again I apologize.

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 8:43am

Well thank you to the ones who were serious and supportive, I am not sure why some of you felt it was ok to make fun of me, if you don't have something constructive to say why say anything?

I will take all the advice to heart, I can see why my hubby putting his children first can be harmful to our marriage, thank you for those comments. I honestly can say I never thought about that in those terms.

Again thanks to all those who had something constructive to say, me and hubby had a conversation last night, he read over the thread with me and we decided that we need to put us first a lot more.

Thanks

light and love

HEM

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:33am

happyelfmomma, I admit to being confused.

You are aware this is a site for step parents to vent. You understand that venting is usually what people do when they are angry or unhappy. You post about your situation and ask for advice.

Then you accuse people of making fun of you because they have a different experience or approach than you do?

Then you get all passive-aggressive angry and accuse others of being offended by your situation?

What did you want? Did you want people to chime in on your blog and say, "Oh wow, I do exactly what you do and get exactly the same results and feel exactly the same way and sometimes complain but do nothing to change anything so that I get what I want out of life"? Because you don't really need a stepparenting website for that.

Part of adulthood is accepting that other people have a different experience, a different approach, a different attitude... so maybe you could look for what you value instead of acting like the world is ending because you don't like criticism.

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:37am

I am not saying people are making fun of me for disagreeing with me, I have thanked people for their comments that are sincere and kind, even if I disagree. But saying my tag line makes you want to throw up is making fun of me.

I appreciate all the real comments on this blog and have taken a lot of them to heart, putting my marriage first not his children, etc

light and love

HEM

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:41am

OK, now I'm really confused! I just read through all the comments again, and I don't see anyone saying that they want to throw up because of your tag line.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:53am

And this is making fun of you? Even if it were, which is not my perception but I understand others can see things differently, why would that be a problem? She has an opinion. Is that not ok?

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:59am

Nope you are totally correct. I am so sorry I didn't see it that way until you pointed it out.Thank you

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 10:39am

You aren't the only one offended by it, and I don't want to upset people or have to deal with unsettling comments. So it is easier for me to just not use it.

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 10:02am

It isn't meant to be, but if it offends the majority of you I will stop using it. Again I will apologize, I wasn't aware that would be so offensive.

happyelfmomma's picture

Submitted by happyelfmomma on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 11:07am

Have a wonderful day, time for me to go home and make lunch for the hubby. Hope you all have a great day, I am thankful for all the advice and comments. Everything you posted has been so helpful, I have learned so much from all of you today. It was a blessing to find this website. I am still not 100% sure this is the place for me, but I am always happy to learn from others.

HEM