This might work for all distressed Step-parents... Its worth a shot

Forums:

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever - Psalm 136:26

We had many of the problems that I have been reading about and I came up with a plan. It worked! Amazingly enough my plan to outline expectations worked. Turns out that there were many expectations we had for each other that were not the same or that the other one was not aware of. I was able to lower my standards for him to a more fair and reasonable manner. And I was able to understand where he was coming from. The biggest moment, he was hurt that I dont trust that he will make the decisions that are in the best interest of my DD. He was hurt more than anything else and I had to let go of the idea that he was just out to hurt my DD.

I never would have been able to live up to his expectations because I didnt know what they were.

Here are few of the expectations we laid out for each other:
Always be kind.
Be approachable and open to the SO's opinion and feelings.
Trust that the other SO has the best intentions for the SD or SS.
Always be there for the SD or SS when needed.
Forgive the SD and SS. They are children.
Bring up issues before they are too much to handle.
Always be aware of our own children's actions so that they are not hurting the step-parent when the bio is not looking.
Trust that when one parent says something is going on, it is actually happening. No need to question each other.
Talk about these issues after the kids are in bed or with their other bio parents. Not in front of them for 2 reasons: it undermines our authority and it ruins the limited amount of time with SS.
What we give our children are based on their needs. Not the expectations of the other parent. Things are fair but not always equal.
Expect that we want the same things for both children. (behaviors, happiness, etc)
There are to be consequences for actions.

We left it as an open dialog. There will be more added as the situation changes, but FINALLY we have a common ground to work with. I suggest that everyone do what we did. I wrote down my expectations for him as a dad, step-dad and a SO. He did the same. Then we discussed them and were able to add, take away and change then into manageable, obtainable goals. We are on the same page and now we can move together as a family! It is going to be hard work but we can do it!!! Together!!

Sounds like a plan if your DH

Sounds like a plan if your DH or SO is the problem that is not my problem my DH for the most part is about me and me first - our problem is BM and good Lord knows she would not know how to be nice or even christian like if it came up and bit her in the A**!!

And DH and I before we even got married discussed what we expected from each other and how we needed to be first and back each other up but when you throw in the 3rd person all hell breaks loose. And our BM cheated multiple times on my DH but did not want him to ever be happy again and was shocked when he found love so soon after she kicked him out of the house!!

DH and I live under the

DH and I live under the policy that I can only change me and he can only change himself. So, whatever the Bio parents decide to do is pretty much out of our hands. We work on our home. We cant control theirs. We hope that our strong famiy will go with our children over to their bio's houses. We are doing what we can to instill in them strong enough values that it doesnt matter whose house our kiddos are at.

1. Always be kind (nice

1. Always be kind
(nice thought but when you live with a drunken macho dude full of testosterone, you can be as kind as a fluffy bunny and you'll get a purple faced screaming rage in response.

2. Be approachable and open to the SO's opinion and feelings.
(tried that; was Miss Uber Supportive. . .didn't work; in fact it backfired on me)

3. Trust that the other SO has the best intentions for the SD or SS.
(now THAT'S a HARD SELL when guilty biodad thinks any suggestions for the better such as "let's help them with their homework" are "cruel" to his children)

4. Always be there for the SD or SS when needed.
(another nice thought however if you have a PASinator BM and PASinator maternal GM at the helm, skids will never "need" you; they will go out of their way to let you know you will NEVER be needed; except for cash)

5. Forgive the SD and SS. They are children.
(does this include when they push you down the stairs or start your house on fire?)

6. Bring up issues before they are too much to handle.
(in my case bringing up ANY issue no matter how small starts WWIII; biodad goes into uber defensive mode "you hate my kids" when suggesting that they should probably use a tissue instead of wiping boogers on your walls)

7. Always be aware of our own children's actions so that they are not hurting the step-parent when the bio is not looking.
(this would mean admitting that one's own children are not perfect. . .something that the average guilty biodad or PASinator BM simply refuses to do)

8. Trust that when one parent says something is going on, it is actually happening. No need to question each other. (Do you mean bioparent to bioparent? Not usually possible when the bioparents are at war; and to trust a stepparent would mean admitting to #7 which ain't gonna happen)

9. Talk about these issues after the kids are in bed or with their other bio parents. Not in front of them for 2 reasons: it undermines our authority and it ruins the limited amount of time with SS (once again, nice thought but if you have two juvenile warring bioparents who are guilty daddying and PASing away. . .not gonna happen)

10. What we give our children are based on their needs. Not the expectations of the other parent. Things are fair but not always equal.
(preaching to the choir here; however the guilty biodad and BFF free-ranging BM will ignore this)

11. Expect that we want the same things for both children. (behaviors, happiness, etc)
(oh, the bioparents want "equal outcomes" but have different ideas on how to get there. They want a set of "no rules" for their own children and strict rules for stepmom's children)

12. There are to be consequences for actions
(only in the case of Stepmom's children; the children from the "first family" are untouchable)

These are lovely rules but ninety nine times out of one hundred, the bioparents pay lip service and feign cooperation then do a 180 on stepmom (and sometimes stepdad)

BM here is very very active

BM here is very very active in a huge bible based church - where she met her now DH the ex-heroin addict. I think the walk in faith did help him with his demons. I have nothing bad to say about him as I know almost nothing about him except for that.

I know she truly believes she is a good Christian - but how can she even look herself in the mirror much less talk to God in prayer when she is so evil. That woman will spread her legs for any man that so much as hints that he is willing to "*((**" someone who looks like a warthog.

She put her own sexual desires above the welfare of her children now grown into worthless human beings. So sad. She's had several "shut downs" - probably nervous breakdowns. She is just as pathetic as both her sons turned out to be but she has never turned to drugs or alcohol - just sex (and lies).