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for those of you who have had a signifigant change in custody

leladawn's picture

Making the change from living with BM full time to 50/50 or more..

How did skids behavior change? Was it better? Worse?

Did BM's behavior change?

What was your biggest challenge?

I'm just wondering, as BF is going to court on the 19th and his lawyer is pretty confident that this is straightforward and he'll at least be getting temporary custody for a while (this from every weekend and thurs. evenings).

soverysad's picture

We went from every weekend supervised to 75% custody over a period of 2 years. The biggest change when we went from 4 overnights a month to 10 overnights to 50/50 with in a relatively short period of time (over a 2 month period). Creature had an adjustment. She acted out a lot at first, but we were consistent in letting her know the rules when with us (we were sure to say, it is ok if mommy lets you do it, but...). BM became crazier and crazier, but once she realized it wasn't going to change anything AND we let her know we weren't caving to her ridiculous demands, she backed off. Creature is actually better behaved the more we have for several reasons 1) we have structure and the more time she spends with us, the more she realizes it isn't going to change and 2) she spends less time with her mother telling her we are mean, don't love, etc.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

Shell97's picture

My situation was a drastic change in a short amount of time. Almost 2 years ago DH & I moved 1100 miles away from SDs. When SDs came to visit for a month last summer, SD15 disclosed to me that she was being molested by her SF(step-father) after BM changed her mind about letting SD15 move in with us without going to court. When BM insisted that we go to court about custody, SD15 decided to disclose her abuse. Well, we immediately got emergency custody of both SD15 & SD13 until the court date for custody. Because of our dumbass attorney, our skids didn't get to come into the court room & tell the judge who they wanted to live with. Because both girls wanted to live with DH & I. Well because of BMs lies, the judge ended up granting custody of both girls back to BM. When skids heard that, SD15 threw a fit in the court house telling BM that if she didn't let SD15 go home with us, SD15 would run away. So BM offered us a deal, we get custody of SD15 & BM gets custody of SD13. So that's what happened, we split the girls up. For the first 2 or 3 months SD15 was fine. Because BM didn't believe SD15 about the abuse, so SD15 didn't talk to BM much. Then around Nov, BM started believing SD15 and things changed. SD15 has started playing BM, DH, & I against each other again, she is constantly calling BM if she doesn't get her way, and SD & BM make plans for different things without consulting DH. DH & I are constantly making sure that we are on the same page when it comes to house rules, chores, privileges, & punishments...just to try and keep SD in check. We also try to limit SDs contact with BM, especially when SD starts shutting DH & I out. But all in all SD has adjusted well to the change & has come to realize that DH & I do love and care about her and always have. We still have our ups & downs, but we are working on it and always reminding SD that we are now the ones who make decisions for her & that we love, care, and support her. I am looking forward to, but at the same time dreading SDs month long visit with BM that is coming up.

Pantera's picture

We went from 3 weekends a month to sole custody and it literally changed overnight. DH got emergency custody for a month until the last hearing came. So it was overnight for us. SS's behavior got much better until BM stopped being consistent with her visits and phone calls, then it got wayyyyy worse. BM kinda backed off and let us take over, to be honest I think it was out of embarrassment. Then SS's behavior got worse and worse when he figured out that DH and I were serious, we bought a house, it got worse, got engaged, it got worse, got married, tried to break us up, ect. Lately he has just been trying to start crap because BM is PASing him out. BM started being consistent when DH and I got married, which I think is weird but whatever. I think the biggest challenge for us was to keep SS out of everything and his BM was telling him a bunch of lies.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

outofplace's picture

Because of issues with possible abuse from BM's BF,(SS4 coming here saying he was afraid to go home cause so and so does such and such) we've had him full time for the last month.

His behavior is MUCH better. Before, he was cussing and arguing. Wet his bed almost every night, nightmares. That has all stopped.

She's acting even more entitled, as if we owe her something because we have her son more.

Biggest challenge would have to be getting used to having a kid around full time, I have no children myself so I've never had to take care of a kid so much. But it hasn't been that hard. He's a great kid, and I've had very little problems with him.

leladawn's picture

Thanks for your imput Smile I'm kind of nervous for all of this, I think BM is going to lose her mind if this happens (what's left of it anyway).. I hope it all works out..

It seems like for the most part the kids are better and the BMs are nuttier.. *fingers crossed* ahh well - bring it, BM! It'll all come back around anyway eventually.. Right?

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy

soverysad's picture

Believe it or not, but that is the exact reason the psychologist in our case recommended a slow change in custody - he though Wingnut would go over the edge and make it worse for everyone. Sad, that she got more custody because she is psycho, isn't it?

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

leladawn's picture

Oh wow - yeah that's pretty sick.. Let's keep the 5 year old with the insane one a little bit more because she'll really lose it if we don't?

That's like cutting yourself open and only stitching up the cut halfway..

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy

soverysad's picture

Exactly!!! It really caused the kid serious damage. She can't even answer a direct question because her mother drilled her so much with the "right" answer in mind the kid can't think for herself and wants everyone to tell her the answer to questions like "did you have fun at school today".

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.