Realisation
I found this place a few months back and since then I've had a rollercoaster ride of things happen. I've thought I figured things out and then realised I hadn't but know I feel like I have and I am in such a better plae than I was, so I thought I'd share because I know listening to everyone's story here helped me understand things.
I have 2 skids and I no longer talk to one of them. I'm done and dusted, the effort has to come from him know. God knows I've tried, he is pretty much unable to communicate with an adult unless it is his mum, I'm not 100% sure how he communicates with people his own age. He's always had communication issues. I have tried and I have tried in various ways over possibly the last 5 or more years.
What I realised from this forum is that it is okay ot to like you step kids.
What I've also realised is, and I have held onto this for a very long time is that I wish I never had step kids. I have my own kids which is why I am still here, but I never really wanted them, I have done my best and I have honestly raised them like my own, they have spent more time with me than the dad. I think the dad has even given up now because he realises they don't want to spend time with him so he just gets on with his own family, he still tries but even though he is a bit of an ass, he tries and has been there for them financially if not anything else.
I have held on to a lot of guilt over the years and finally I released that guilt and admitted to myself and to friends that I have had enough and if I am honest I never really wanted it in the beginning. The relief that I feel after admitting that to myself and to others has been amazing. If SK2 doesn't want to talk to me, then I aint going to talk to him. He would leave the room when his mum left the room, he doesn't even say hello to me or goodbye or initiate ANY kind of conversation with me. He's 18 now so basically I say to myself, and excuse my french....Fuck you. I don't give a damn. If you don't like it, move the F%%k out. I don't do anything anymore. Cook for them, discipline them, tell them this or that. I just refer EVERY single thing to their mum. I am happy to live like this until they go. If their mum has a problem I am sure she will say 'You are the adult' and my repsonse will be I have been the adult and he is now an adult. I literally do not care what either of them think anymore, if she has a problem with me then I will refer her to her son. I have raised them or at least tried for 10+ years......I am done & I am loving it. My kids come first now.
I hope somehow this helps somebody else.
Sorry if there are spelling mistakes and it doesn't quite make sense. Wine will do that 
and not proofreading.
Annoyig that you can't edit
Annoying that you can't edit your original post. Soooo many spelling and grammar mistakes.
There is something to be said
There is something to be said for knowing when a relationship is never going to work. I'm naturally very optimistic, and a little nieve admittedly. sometimes hubby has to sit me down and say "babe, this person is never going to change. It's time to give up."
I hope you have found some peace and contentment... or at least a really good wine
Good for you! It's a relief
Good for you! It's a relief to finally allow yourself to let go of toxic people, SKs included! I disengaged a long time ago from SKs, SS18 and SS14-15? (Really don't care to remember his age lol) last time I seen them was 2019 at the family Christmas and they were both still very disrespectful little brats. When Covid hit DH family put get togethers on hold (which is usually the only time I'd see them).
I do hear things from ILs about them from time to time. My ILs are very sweet and really about family so they always reach out to me with news and try to get me to talk with DH in hopes he steps up to be more involved. They know BM is crazy and the boys have issues but they don't want to give up on family. Now that Covid cases have dropped in my state and most of the family is vaccinated ILs are talking about having family holidays again and I know they will be asking DH to bring them around. I over heard BIL telling DH how much they miss seeing the boys so I am dreading having to be around SKs at family functions.
Haven't seen or heard from
Haven't seen or heard from YSD in 3 weeks. It's been the best 3 weeks in a long time.
Too bad for her BM is just using her to make herself look better when she goes to court with exBF for custody. But that's not my problem. YSD wants to bite the hand that feeds her to chase after a woman who has been nothing but abusive and neglectful. More power to her.
It feels great when you just stop caring.
"You are the adult" is an
"You are the adult" is an incredibly condescending thing for your wife to say to you. I hope you withdraw any financial support from them too, and let her feel the pinch of paying for these dysfunctional adults she's created and enabled.
That used to work a few
That used to work a few months ago on me. It would make me think 'Yes I should be the adult.' now it doesn't. He is an adult too and he has choices and knows what is right and wrong. I'm turning the tables and if she wants me to have any relationship with her son then she can tell him that he needs to make an effort because I have raised and been there for him for 10+ years without asking for or wanting anything back, now I do. I want respect, I want communication otherwise he can DO One. She know I'm not communicating with him, maybe she thinks it's easier this way I don't know, but what I know is she hasn't broached the subject with me or with him (I don't know that, she hasn't mentoned anything) it just feels like she doesn't want to even approach that subject. Fine by me, he will be gone soonish. She even shouted at him the other day for the first time....'go and stay with your dad, I am fed up with this..'.....Yes, now that I'm not the bad person saying these things, she has to be. I'm done and ALL the burden is on her, problem is, she has wide boundaries and she puts up with som much crap, where as I feel I have good boundaries and don't take any nonesense.
The next thing I know will cause problems is the fact he is no longer in education, doesn't want to go to uni yet, so he needs a full time job. He just lays on his bed at the moment, his mum makes any excuse she can find for him, but I will be on strike soon as I look after the kids, cook, clean e.t.c at the moment but that's going to stop if her lazy kids are just sitting around the place. Granted, he has only just finished full time education, but I guarentee she will let him laze around far longer than I would, lapping up all his excuses and making excuses of her own. I'm actually looking forward to telling her unless he gets a job, he can clean the house, because I won't be doing it. She'll get pi$$ed of at me but then realise it's not me she needs to be pi$$ed off at.
We shall see.
Good for you.
Good for you.
These kids are too old for
These kids are too old for this nonsense. They are supposed to be starting life not laying around waiting to get taken care of! My parents and I got along great but at 19 I had to go enroll and get a better job. (I started working at 16) They told me I had one year after graduation that they would help me out while I made plans, after that I would have to pay them rent. I paid them $400 a month, covered most of my own expenses, and did half the housework. It was worth it in my book as their home was much nicer than any apartment I could afford and I was grateful to be so comfortable. but I had to pull my weight to stay. If I had ever been disrespectful my suitcase would have been waiting at the door. Does your wife not want them to be able to care for themselves? They should be cleaning, cooking and financially contributing by now. Your little ones are watching this. What kind of examples are they seeing? Wife needs to think about this.
You have great parents.
You are blessed.
Very. Being a good parent,
Very. A good parent, bio or step is the best gift a kid can receive. I thank my folks often.
Me too.
Mom and dad's 59th anniversary is next Wed. My brother and I are extremely fortunate to have been raised by caring, structured, involved parents.
Me too.
Mom and dad's 59th anniversary is next Wed. My brother and I are extremely fortunate to have been raised by caring, structured, involved parents.
The realization that you are
The realization that you are done is a powerful epiphany. When I reached that point in my first marriage it was a moment of true freedom, joy, and also sadness. But it is at that point that I set myself on the path for the rest of my life.
Logically it has to be the same for a relationship with an adult Skid.
It has been. I don't want to
It has been. I don't want to blame all my problems on that one thing but I can tell you this....Once I realised and I admitted this to myself I have been in such a better place. Maybe several things happened at the same time and I can't actually put it down to one thing but I find it such a coincidence that as soon as I realised it (and released the guilt) I have felt 10000000000 times better and now I am working on making myself better.
I have been talking to more and more people about it until I figured out that I just didn't want to be a step dad. Never wanted it, and now I am done and wish I never took this path in the first place, but I had to because we had children together,
So my conclusion is....This has been my problem all along.
Good for you. Free yourself
Good for you. Free yourself of this and help your own kids learn to be real adults. You're probably the only one who can teach them that as mom apparently doesn't know how to set standards of behavior
I could afford and I was
I could afford and I was grateful to be so comfortable. but I had to pull my weight to stay.
I think that is the thing and something I am wrestling with. At 18 I left for university, I want into university halls of residence which was a slow transition into real life and year on year I learnt to look after myself and eventually never came home again. He's not going to uni and I just feel that his mum will continue to pander, coddle E dot T dot Bloody C. He will be living here and taking the pi$$ for many more years because she feels like she needs to look after him. Dare I say anything because I am the bad guy. Dare I say he needs to look after himself, dare I say he needs to leave. It will be met with 'Ooooh my goodneess, I can't ask my beautiful baby to leave, he needs to....Add excuse after excuse here..)
He is, as far as I am concerned, a liar, a thief, a cheat and a manipulative sond of a bitch and he know if it was down to me he woulnd't have a leg to stand on but after the last year and after the fact that I am now done, he knows he can just get away with taking the piss and his mum will believe any crap he tells her because she is so afriad to upset him because he is a child of divorce.
Ahhh. The COD excuse.
AKA... shitty parenting.
That's the thing. Is she? I
That's the thing. Is she? I see so many good qualities in her and then I am 100% with you. As lovely as she is, I think she is such a bad parent. She lets both her children get away with so much crap, she feels so guilty, she had such a shitty childhood and my thoughts are that because she had such a crap childhood, she allows them to get ways with an amazing amount of shit!
She did a little bit of therapy recently. A TINY amount. The therapist asked her -
'Tell me a time when you felt happy and truly free?' -- She got upset because she honestly could not think of a time when she was happy in her childhood. That really upset me but at the same time made me realise so many things.
You are probably correct
You are probably correct about the compensating.
But just because bad parenting comes from a place of love or well-meaning doesn't make it any less destructive. Spoiling her kids won't make her childhood better. Setting boundaries, expectations and even saying no is preparing kids for life as a healthy adult. Society and the law will not be as soft as mom. Maybe she doesn't understand what it really means to show love. It's not just saying yes to everything. Real love goes hand and hand with respect, for yourself and others.
Maybe she never learned to respect herself so she doesn't think her children need to either. If so that's sad.
Abso-frickin-lutely!
This is bang on truth. Thanks for this.
It is brilliant.
That's the thing. She thinks
That's the thing. She thinks it comes from a place of love. I think she isn't doing them any favours. I'm not sure what else I can say. I know I can't say this to her because as soon as I try, it will end up in a massive argument and the words that will be uttered are.....As per Step Talk....'So I'm just a shitty mum.'.........No. You're not a shitty mum, so don't try to pull that shit on me, you just let them take the piss out of you and you can't even see it!
"So I'm a bad mom?!"
"So I'm a bad mom?!"
"no, you're a good woman who deserves not only the love but respect of her children. When you don't get that it really pains me because you are valuable to me."