Blaming Others. Is It Right?

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I know we should all take responsibility for our actions. Psycology 101. We can all at times blame others for our situation too until we realise it's our fault and accept responsibility.

Is everything always our fault though? I know we all have choices to make but can you blame the battered and abused house wife or husband for murdering their husband after being beaten for the 1000th time? Is the soldier to blame for becoming an alcoholic after returning from the vietnam war? Is a child to blame for having emotional problems in adulthood because of narcassistic or violent parents.

We ALL know what we should and shouldn't be doing, but if we don't have the tools, the money for therapy or the support to do the right thing can we blame other people for where we end up?

I think that we have to take some personal responsibility but at the same time I think that some blame can sometimes be laid at another person or place's doorstep?

The reason I say this is because I am willing to accept 50% of the blame, 60% of the blame or even 70%+ of the blame in my relationship for all the failings that have occured, but my partner is not willing to accept any, all the problems are always my fault.

Yes, of course the other

Yes, of course the other person is to blame sometimes. The skill in a relationship is to be able to own your own responsibility for the success (or failure) of the relationship - whilst seeing where your own responsibility ends and the other person's starts. I left my first husband because he insisted that everything was always all my fault, constantly "punished" me with silence and bad moods, and never owned his side of things. In that sort of situation - I realised that his version of reality was very skewed and self serving, but that didn't do me much good - in the end I had to take action when I accepted that things were never going to change. Sitting on my butt and blaming him was going to get me nowhere.

Definitely. In a relationship

Definitely. In a relationship there are always situations in which both sides are to blame. Someone not willing to admit not even a 1% of blame for some of the problems in a relationship is someone that's trying to manipulate you into thinking you are the problem and you alone. It's never the case. To give an example, my husband is not a very good comunicator and when having an argument he often says things he doesn't mean or gets agitated. I have the ability to stay calm and rational so we can communicate properly. However if there are problems with communication I would never ever place all the blame on my husband as sometimes (even if less often than in my husbands case) I can also become overly emotional

YIP

I've always thought our problems is down to communication, but the I am just so tired of trying to communicate that it just goes down the pan. Can't do it anymore, so I just have to accept blame. Too tired now to accept all the blame or trying to get her to realise it's not all my fault.

Thank You.

Hon, why do you stay in this

Hon, why do you stay in this relationship?? You sound beaten down, defeated, and miserable.

You are not wrong.

However, even with all of the things you outlined, the choices belong to the one who makes them. As does the fault for any outcomes, positive, or negative. Regardless of the background.

An alcoholic chooses to drink each time they lift the glass/bottle to their lips. Even kids raised by morons know right from wrong and should be held accountable for their choices. Even the abused spouse who kills their abuser during the 1000th beating chose to take every beating. Defending themselves at all costs... is the right choice IMHO.

Yes, others certainly can and do have influece, but.. the individual makes the choice. Every choice.

True

I think you are confusing

I think you are confusing personal responsibility and accountability. Although, I'm not sure either of those really come into play here.

Personal responsibility is the belief that human beings choose and control their own actions and destiny. Each decision you make leads to another choice - butterfly wings and all that. It does not mean our choices aren't directly impacted by those around us. In this case, your SO. Personal responsibility - is just that personal. You can only change yourself. You can't make choices for others.

Accountability means taking ownership of the choices you make and their consequences. You're willing to accept responsibility for your actions and outcomes– both positive and negative. Being accountable in a relationship means recognizing the effect your behaviors have on your partner and accepting the consequences of that behavior.

Moreover, you're looking at the big choices rather then the 1,000,000 choices that led to that big choice. Most relationships die the death of 1000 paper cuts rather then the big cheating scandal. Even then - the chump lady says it typically take three times for the person cheated on to choose to leave for good.

Finally, I'm not sure how you can judge or place blame in any relationship. How do you judge a relationship's success or failure? It is always sad when a relationship ends - especially if it effects others. It doesn't mean you are making the wrong choices. If a partner cheats and I choose to leave - am I at fault because I left? Is the partner at fault because he cheated? Is it a failure if the relationship ends? Is it a success if I stay? Is it a failure if I stay and I'm miserable? Is it a success if I leave and find a new person to love?

Bottom line, it is your choice to make - no matter what the issue. You can choose to stay or go. You can choose to see it as a success or failure. You can choose to be happy or miserable.

Errr, stepping off the soap

Errr, stepping off the soap box now :-P

While I am a binary kind of

While I am a binary kind of guy, there is right and wrong, success and failure, I understand the difference between responsible and accountable.

In the whose at fault scenario, the cheater is at fault for cheating, the cuckolded hopefully moving on partner is at fault for allowing the cheater to stay if that is what they choose to do. If you find a new person to love, that is a success though the past relationship is a failure.

A relationship is not something that is "to blame". While those who are in it may certainly be "to blame" if there is blame to be assigned.

While we can only make decisions/choices for and to change ourselves, we can also choose what we will tolerate and how we will be treated by others. Their choice to violate those boundaries is is also the choice to live the consequences.

I find the choice to be happy or miserable to be an interesting and entertaining exercise in hind sight after the end of a relationship. In my/our case. I have chosen to look forward and make a happy life for myself and with my incredible bride. She has chosen to look forward and make a great life which I am blessed she chooses to make with me. My X.... not so much. As of the last I heard of her, she went on to 2 OOWL children with the cheat partner she left me for. He married her. Then booted her ass when she got pregnant by BF who she married after their OOWL spawn was born. I saw her at a restaurant many years after our divorce, she looked worn out, bitter, and like she had been rode hard and put up wet. She rag'd at her 2nd DH and their boys the whole meal. It was sad. DW's past has similar hindsight perspective. She has thrived and succeeded beyond comparison. The SpermIdiot... went on to spawn three more out of wedlock spawn by two more baby mamas. He is a waste of skin.

I like happy ending examples for those who exited failed relationships and moved on to happy successful lives and relationships.

No, that was brilliant. Thank

No, that was brilliant. Thank you.

I choose to take accountability in my relationship, some of the things I have done are not stellar behaviour, but at the same time I feel I've ended up where I am because of the stresses I have encountered along the way and also what I honestly now believe to be passive aggressiveness from my partner. I've said it and thought it for years, didn't believe it, surely this lovely person isn't like that, but now I 100% think she is very passive aggressive and it along with other things have caused me mental distress.

I had a tough choice to make years ago, I was in denial, I denied that I was unhappy. The tough choice I SHOULD have made was to get out of there, which would have been hard but by now it would be a distant memory. I made the wrong choice and things have just become worse year after year after year, telling myself everything was okay because I wanted to stay with my kids.

Thanks for the post. It was like reading Inception

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Blaming Others. Is It Right?