I Want Them To Go
So.
I have 2 step kids and 2 of my own (10 and 12) Step kids are 20 and 21 (Autistic). I realise that the only reason I have stuck around is because of my kids and financial situation. I realise that after over a decade I don't actually like raising other peoples children but I have done it because of my own. It has been a rocky ride. 1SK with emotional issues, stealing for years the other with pretty severe (at times) autistic issues and a very difficult ex at times where I have had to be the go between between him and my partner.
Anyway. The last year has been very difficult especially with the SK with Autism. My mental health has suffered because of it and all I've asked for is that the kids spend half the month at the dads and half here, to ease the stress, he lives a mile down the road. I feel stressed anxious and uncomfortable in my own home. SK1 (not autistic) does not really acknowledge me, talk to me and will leave the room as soon as his mum does. That relationship has no completely broken down.
My partners response, regardless of how much I have asked her is.....They don't want to go to the dads, they are over 18 and I am not going to tell them what to do, they want to stay here. That to me is basically saying that she puts them before me and my mental health. I have in the past agreed because the dad can be a bit of a dick, but that aint my problem anymore. Basically I think she just basically refuses to send that message to them, that they need to go to the dads for half the month. She's happy to have them here but I need a break.
After coming to step talk I realise I just don't like them. They have caused me a massive amount of stress over the years, all the problems or most of them have been to do with the SKids and the Ex. I realise now I resent them and am angry at them and I just don't want them to be here. I just want my kids here.
Just looking for thoughts. Thanks
Sorry. 21 year old is
Sorry. 21 year old is autistic.
Thanks for the rpley. Yes.
Thanks for the rpley. Yes. This is where I am at. The situation is now unsustainable, I can't and don't want to live with them anymore, she won't push them to stay at their dads, but to be honest even that is not enough. I will just end up feeling anxious and annoyed when they are here. I am done with this whole situation. I've not been the best I can be either, I know that, but I DO NOT want to be in the house anymore and even though they are now grown up, I just want to concentrate on me and my kids and not deal with the crap that comes with hers.
She can't even get a rota up
She can't even get a rota up for them to empty the bin / dishwasher. I've been asking for it for years...
Time to launch....
SK's are grown....time for them to launch. Unfortunately too often parents won't force that. Even with mental health and autism issues, these grownups have to strike out on their own at some point. Maybe they have help to do that, local services, group home situations, etc but at some point they have to leave the nest.
Your partner is comfortable with all you have done all these years and isn't going to want to change things.
May come to some hard choices. Either your partner respects and helps you to change things for the better, you move on with your life and leave a miserable situation that is only going to get worse, or you accept the situation and put up with it.
Leaving this miserable
Leaving this miserable situation. It's miserable for everyone. I've done some terrible things over the years but I've put in my innings. I am done with it all. She wants to cling on to them for dear life and let them leave when they are ready. I have massively struggled especially with the Autistic SK but I don't matter, he matters more, even though his dad is around the corner. But the excuse has always been that him staying with his dad will effect his mental health, my mental health as much as I have tried to pretend I am okay with it, has suffered, but I feel that it doesn't matter about mine. It's all about his...
SK2 has basically just been laying in bed and smoking weed all day for the last month, she's not here as she is at we work and I am at home cooking, cleaning, washing and allowing her to build her career. I am done with this crap. I was doing it for us, but I don't feel like it's an us, I feel like it's all about supporting her, like I've done over the last decade.
Here's what I've learnt. NEVER get with someone who has children, especially a person who has a child with disabilities. Fu$k me, NEVER again and I will be very vocal if my kids cross the same path.
Do it before you lose your
Do it before you lose your cool and become the villian in the picture. You AND your kids deserve better.
TOO LATE. That has already
Ahh, well hell. You'll feel
Ahh, well hell. You'll feel better when it's over!
Good luck to you! Your doing the right thing.
How do you say. I DON'T LIKE
How do you say. I DON'T LIKE YOUR CHILDREN!!!!
I think she knows, I've never said it and I never will, but anyone felt like that. It's not that I don't like them. It's the fact I don't like the ADDITIONAL stress they have added to my life, and I've only just realised it now.
Well I guess it depends on
Well I guess it depends on how big of a 'D' you want to be as it ends.
You can simply say that you don't like her children, but as you said that really isn't the problem.. if you didn't have to deal with them chances are you wouldn't have ill feelings towards them.
Put the responsibility for your feelings where it lies.. on yourself. It's not a bad thing even though society is quick to judge. I love/hate the 'you knew x,y,z before you even entered the relationship' You've been with her for years, people change, we are all human. And that is *OKAY* just recognize it and walk away before too much damage is done and someone ends up hurt beyond repair in the end. You and her are both better than that, I would expect.
A lot of our holding out and letting things go waay too late is because of fear. Something is holding us back and not allowing us to continue our personal growth, figure out what that is (maybe you have since your a foot out the door) and go for it.
Everything yuo say is right
Everything yuo say is right and good advice. I am holding back from saying something I regret.
Honestly, as the SM of a 21
Honestly, as the SM of a 21 yo (who isn't autistic), no way in hell would I agree to have him half the month because BM's husband needs a break. What needs to happen is that these adult kids launch in some way, which might be a group home.
I don't blame you for being annoyed by the whole thing and wanting out, but the father isn't the solution.
Interesting you say that. I
Interesting you say that. I have had the judgement of the new Step mum ( Say new she has been around for over 10 years) laid upon me and she's told the BD that if they, especially the autistic boy moves in with them the BD has to move out. Fair enough, like you, stand your ground, but at the same time she has been very judgemental of me and I have had them pretty much 80% of the time over the last 13 years.
Why wouldn'y you entertain that thought. He is his son after all?
Because it sounds like it's
Because it sounds like it's the BM's fault the kids haven't launched. They are adults. If she was the primary parent and created this dependency in them that didn't allow them to grow up and move out, that's not the father's problem. Even though they are disabled, that doesn't mean they need to live with parents for their entire life, that's a choice on the parent's part. You've said yourself that she won't make them do anything - she's the problem. One of them sounds fully able to be on his own and she allows him to do nothing.
My SS21 is failure to launch at BM's and she created that problem. No way in hell is she dumping that off on me.
We'll see. He will finish his
We'll see. He will finish his studies soon and is told to get a job or volunteer. We'll see if she follows through with that. He says a few words to placate her, whilst laughing behind her back afterwards and thinks 'Yeah, right, like I'm gonna do that without you pestering me 1 billion times.'
We'll see. I disengaged a little a few months back, she's on her own soon and I don't even need to be around it.
If I had married DH knowing
If I had married DH knowing he had a disabled son, and the son's mother did her level best to parent him effectively, get him the supports that he needs, make a plan for his launch, etc, then I might consider helping out here and there.
But in the case where the mother has created the problem, I will not take on the burden.
I always find it interesting
I always find it interesting on here about the whole launch thing. Why would any parent launch their kids unless they were a nuisance. Most parents here in the UK would let their kids live with them until at least, oooh I don't know, 25. Especially if they didn't go to university. I can't see many parents launching their kids at 18 or having that conversation if things weren't bad. To my partner, things aren't bad to her and she will keep them around forever or until THEY decide to leave.But at the age of 18 just finished school she would NEVER even entertain the thought.
I don't expect them out at 18
I don't expect them out at 18, either. I do expect them to be working full-time or going to college full-time, helping around the house and not creating trouble for the parents. "Launching" doesn't have to mean leaving the home at 18, but it means age-appropriate behavior and responsibility.
Your wife is not insisting they act their ages, and I wouldn't agree to take that into my home because she can't/won't set limits or insist they be responsible.
Well it is age appropriate to
Well it is age appropriate to a degree. College for SK2 hasn't finished yet but will soon, so we will see what happens there. He's stolen from everyone for years and SK2 has just been VERY hard to handle along the way, stubborn, selfish. If he gets what he wants everything is fine but if there is change or something he doesn't want it is hell until basically he gets what he wants in most occasions. It's not his fault, I know that, but I have dealt with it and foolishly made that choice which has had an effect on me. This last year has been an up and down living nightmare.
I am a SM of a SS21 who is
I am a SM of a SS21 who is Autistic. I know that he will never fully live on his own. This year, he has been much more of a challenge than before. His counselors keep reminding me that he is 12, not 21. However, because chronologically he is 21 he thinks he is BIG MAN of the house now. So that has taken a lot of work to fix.
I am not sure if you have him working, DARS has been an amazing resource for us and keeps him employed and with a job coach. They also have him in night school doing welding.
We are also starting the group home search. This takes years, something I wasn't aware of until this group. They weren't lying! Start the process now, because if it needs to happen, you need to have things in process. Another option is roommates. Would it be possible with a lot of supervision from both you and the roommate's family that 2 "adults" might be able to live "one their own"?
He doesn't like to think he
He doesn't like to think he is autistic and any job that comes with support because of his autism he hates, but DM's getting there. It has just been difficult every step of the way and I've just absorded how difficult it is without even knowing it becuase it has become normal. Every step of the way is met with difficulties. I know it's not his fault but the stress and axniety it has caused is enough now. He's a lot older know but regardless of that there will jut continue to be difficulties for the next x years. They will never end, he will always be autistic, even though he has grown and adapted as a person, the autism is obviously still there and he's NOT my son, and I don't want to deal with it or be around it any more, but whilst I am here it is always in the air. He causes stress in the home and the environment, he doesn't mean to but for me he does and he doesn't even realise it because it is ALWAYS about him. not how any body else might feel.
Is there anyway to get him
Is there anyway to get him into assisted living? Or award him to the state so they can start helping him? There are so many programs that your wife can look into to try to get this man help with being independent. She is not going to always be around to coddle him and he needs to learn to be on his own and work. There's also a program if your state provides that will home him with other similar people and he will be assigned someone that helps him and they can also find him work such as bagging groceries or cleaning offices.
Good luck because it is not easy dealing with SKs with mental illness. I'd probably left my DH if he had his sons full-time as one has high functioning autism, bipolar and ODD and the youngest suffers from depression ADHD and probably ASD.
Not a chance in hell. It's
Not a chance in hell. It's done now. I am leaving when I can. Only when he decides he wants it will she do it or when things get really bad, but she does coddle him and she would want him here until it gets really bad for her, not me and it will be her decision and nothing to do with me, I literally have no say or should I say had no say. I've said about getting him into his own place.....Oh no I won't. They trump everything and I've just had it up to the eyeballs now. I've been lumbered with it al for years and years, my choice or my foolish choice should I say. The only thing I can do now is just pass on my mistakes to educate others and I will be VERY vocal about step kids. Every situation is different, but mine has been a living hell and I've not even realised it. Like a frog boiling in water....