Husband won't enforce rules, or follow them himself
I'm new here and so happy to find an outlet for my frustration.
My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years. He got full custody of his 11yr old (now 13) son, and SS's mother is hardly involved (she previously kidnapped him, phones him on occasion to say terrible things about his dad, but no child support, no visiting, no effort whatsoever). I love my fiancé very much, and I love my step son but I am becoming so infuriated as of late, that it's hard to see it feel any of that love.
My fiancé feela bad for his son, and he is terrified that he will want to leave to live with his mom (I know for certain that this would never happen, but I understand his fear). He doesn't enforce any rules, and when SS breaks the rules it turns into a fight between fiancé and I. I know that he breaks out rules because he knows that there are no consequences. I am NOT the type of person to let anyone walk all over me.. Especially a pre-teen who isn't even MY child. Because of SS's relationship with his mom, fiancé wants me to be his mom. SS is desperately seeking that maternal figure as well, and I have tried so hard to be that for them both. But I am starting to feel like it is unfair to me. I have become the one in charge of enforcing the rules, maintaining nutrition, making sure school work is done, and emotionally connecting with SS. However he doesn't follow our rules, he lies and sneaks, he is always in trouble at school, has barely any friends... The list goes on. Fiancé is claims that he wants us to be a team, but when SS does something wrong and I want him to see consequences, fiancé gets angry with me. It's becoming a huge issue between the 2 of us. Worst of all, fiancé doesn't follow the rules, won't clean up after himself, and refuses to acknowledge the things SS is doing wrong. At the end of the day I want to tell myself "it's not my child, not my responsibility, and if they don't care, why am I stressing over it?" But I feel that SS would be the one to suffer. I think he is going to grow up into a very unhappy teenager, and a very irresponsible adult.
What do I do?
You mentioned that you refuse
You mentioned that you refuse to have anyone walk all over you and yet both SS and your fiancé are. You are allowing it. Stop doing anything for both of them and definitely stop rescuing your partner. It's honestly not your job to and if SS turns out "bad" then it's on your partner not you. You aren't his mother.
Your situation is a double
Your situation is a double edged sword in my eyes. Do something, and be chastised or unsupported. Go with your motherly or paternal instincts, and be chastised for it. Where's the happy medium ?
When was the last time that you sat down with your fiancé and discussed what he wants your role in his son's life to be ?
Damn if you do. Damn if you
Damn if you do. Damn if you don't. Either sit down and have a talk with your fiancé first and remind him of what's important for both of you and the children because if he sets the rules an don't reinforce it then there's no point for having the rules. Or disengage and leave them for your fiancé to deal with. It will be hard to ignore them completely because they live full time with you. Ahhh...I hate everything step or half.
Best of luck.
A.
welcome. you will soon learn
welcome. you will soon learn that there is a double standard for the skids and you. two sets of rules. put yourself first and dont ever feel guilty for wanting to put yourself first.
Thank you for your comments
Thank you for your comments everyone! I talked to fiancé about the role he wants me to have, and basically he wants me to be SS's new mom. I told him no. It's not fair to me, and explained that there is a huge difference between a step-mom who cares and a mother. I told him that I'm in this relationship ONLY for him, and I know that he is a packaged-deal and that's fine with me, but my priority is our relationship. Fortunately he has started enforcing the rules and punishing SS, but things have only gotten worse with SS. He's failing every class, bullying younger kids, lying, cheating, manipulating... We have him in counselling and seeing a doctor and psychologist, and I know they are the best to help him but I also feel that since they are involved he sees it as an excuse to act out. He has a "problem" and he "can't help it." Anyways, I'm trying to keep reminding myself that he's not my kid and it's not my stress. But it's hard. He's going into high school in the fall and I know he won't graduate. In fact, I'm pretty sure he'll be in jail before he gets to grade 11.