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Mother's Day- Are my feelings justified?

Ajstepmom's picture

Submitted by Ajstepmom on Mon, 05/09/2016 - 10:17pm

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Hi ladies!

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting/being selfish, or if I'm justified in my feelings... I need advice!

SS14 has been living with DH and I full time for almost 3 years. His mother lives thousands of miles away and has chosen to not be involved, so I have stepped into the "mom" role, despite constant disrespect and in appreciation from SS14 and DH. I'm younger than DH, 28, and have sacrificed so much to help him raise his very difficult, very troublesome child. I go through hell over SS every day to help DH...

And yet, on Mother's Day... Nothing. We took DH's mom out for breakfast and then went to my parents house to celebrate my mom, sister, and sister-in-law (who are bio-moms). My mom gave me flowers, a small gift, and a card saying that even though I'm not a mom, I do all the things a mom does and she's proud of me. My sister gave me a card to a similar effect and even DH's mom posted a "Happy Mother's Day" on Facebook and thanked me and said that she loved me for everything I've done for SS and how "everything a mom should be, you are it."

Earlier in the week SS was in trouble for breaking our rules and being rude to me, and DH told me (to ease my anger, I suppose), that SS said he wanted to buy me a gift for Mother's Day and just buy his deadbeat mom a card. But he never took the time to do that. Or even to say "Happy Mother's Day." Before bed he scribbled a letter on a piece of scrap paper saying "happy mothers day, I know you do more for me than my mom ever did. Sorry for being rude to you for the last few months" (really, almost 3 years).

But honestly, I didn't expect anything from kid in raising, as I know how selfish and awful he is. But I was hoping for something from the father of the kid I'm raising. Not even gifts, but at least recognition, maybe a thank you, or at least a "happy Mother's Day." He didn't say anything. Even after hearing my mom and sister and his mom recognize the hard work I do for them. I'm so bitter about this but haven't said anything to DH. I don't know if I'm just being ridiculous... I know I'm not a mom. But I feel unappreciated most days, and this was his chance to show me that he appreciates everything I do for them.

What do you think? Should I say something to him, or just let it go?

Thanks!!

Stormyweather's picture

Submitted by Stormyweather on Mon, 05/09/2016 - 11:07pm

In one word.....Yes! Your feelings of resentment are justified. I too would be rope-able and angry at DH for not recognizing all that you do. He sounds selfish and lazy as a husband. but the thing is, you still continue to be "all that" for HIS son and to SS himself. So stop. Disengage and make them realize that what you do is a choice and does matter. You can also choose not to do anything. He isnt uour son..he is DH's.

Im sorry but both of them are taking advantage of your kindness and selfless actions. Make THEM step up and do it for themselves from now on and only do what YOU WANT TO DO.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 05/10/2016 - 9:38am

Ouch, Sally.

I don't think she is being silly. She made the decision to step in and take over the "mom" role when biomom decided to bolt. I commend her for that. It's not an easy thing to do. Her DH absolutely should have recognized her for the role she plays for his son. Her feelings are justified.

Now... what she does NOW with these feelings, knowing that her DH didn't show her any kind of appreciation, now THAT is what she should be focusing on. She is not silly for being hurt, but she might be silly if she allows it to continue.

It's time to make a choice. You either continue filling in as "mom" knowing that neither DH nor SS thinks of you in that way, and suck it up. OR, you disengage and let DH do all of the parenting. The choice is up to you. Whatever you allow, is what will continue.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 05/10/2016 - 10:37am

I just can't see faulting her for trying. Now that she knows she is NOT appreciated she can make changes as she feels necessary. I empathize with these situations. It is hurtful, no matter how hard you try sometimes to not let those things bother you... she is a human. And her feelings are HERS, not for us to ridicule. Certainly hers to take back and not allow the hurt to happen again.

No Name's picture

Submitted by No Name on Tue, 05/10/2016 - 5:50am

I agree for a boy at that age to even acknowledge you on Mother's Day was big. I am shocked at your husband after all that you do for his child.
You need to let him know how deeply hurt you are and then see what happens next year.
My DH always tells me and anyone else that I was more of a Mother to the skids then their own BM was. He reminds the skids of that too although, it really has made no difference to them. I am loving what your Mom and sister did for you. That was so thoughtful.
As hurt as you are I would do on Father's Day what you would have wanted him to do for you on Mother's Day. Then see what happens next year.
I have decided this year rather than wait for the skids to acknowledge their father on that day...and it is sad he just sits and waits and most years nothing...I have planned a fishing trip and BBQ for my husband and all of the men on my side of the family. It is a done deal and he asked me "what if me kids call and want to see me?" Really? Last year they told him that they went together and ordered him a gift and he would be getting it in the mail. It was a lie. He even asked about it in case it was lost in transit and they told him that they would have to call and check on it. Lies, lies, lies. He got nothing. He is just an ATM to them. They call him when they want something. He knows that if he doesn't call them, they wont call him. Trust me...he was an active parent in every way and supported these kids into their 20's and is still supporting them. So sad.

Cadence's picture

Submitted by Cadence on Tue, 05/10/2016 - 10:27am

HeavenLike, you have some very strong opinions. The problem is that you don't seem to realize that they are merely opinions and you try to force them on others as "fact." They aren't fact. They never will be. The proof is in the fact that not everyone is living like you think they should.

Someone female absolutely can function as the mother of their household, even if they didn't give birth to the child. If your version of life were true, there would be no stepkids wanting to call their stepmother "mom." But some do.

People define how they live; you don't get to do it for them.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 05/10/2016 - 1:52pm

TBH, your husband may not be all that different than a lot of guys that just don't get into the holiday stuff. In fact, I bought my MIL a mother's day present. My DH didn't do anything but say happy mother's day to her...lol. It's not that he doesn't love her but he just isn't a big gift/card buying type. Come to think of it he didn't wish me a Happy MD either..lol. But he does tell me all the time that he appreciates how i helped him raise his girls and how he appreciates my interest in them.