This forum is exactly what I have been looking for. I need some suggestions, I apologize in advance if I provide too much information but I would rather give too much than not enough.

My husband and I have been married 2 years and dated for 2 years prior to that, my SD is 15 and her parents divorced when she was 5. Her BM remarried 5 years ago and has had 2 more children since. I also have a son who is 10.

So in the last 5 years my SD went from being the only child and grand child and center of everyone's world to having half sisters, a step brother and 2 cousins added to the family so she is no longer the center of attention, this is where the problems started. While I understand the psychology of it and feel for her, the changes do not excuse poor behavior.

The immediate issue (which is actually 2 years running). She is with us every other weekend and we have very few rules at our house and a big part of that is we have very little in the form of available consequences. Our rules, Use common sense in your actions and decisions -- when you make a choice consider if you would be proud to have that decision placed on the front page of the news paper for all your friends and family to see. Respect - show everyone respect, even if they don't deserve it always take the high road. Homework - must be completed and turned in on time. For all of these rules, while we can preach them in the end we have no way to enforce them or provide a consequence other than a talk when they are broken. (we have created an incetive/punishment that relates to the homework but that is not the one of issue). The only other "rule" we have revolves around her headgear for her braces. Her orthodontist requires her to wear her headgear at night when she sleeps, she has been supposed to wear this for the last 2 years, her BM does not make her wear this even though we are putting thousands of dollars (out of pocket) worth of dental work at risk. We realize we can not control her BM's behavior we can only guide what happens at our house. So for the 1st year we fought to try to get to remember it and then if she remembered to bring it to actually wear it. Finally a year ago we instilled a consequence. She was required to wear it for 8 hours each 24 hour period, if she chose not to wear it at night she had to wear it for 8 continous hours during the next day, and we would not alter planned family events because she was wearing head gear so if we were going mini golfing she was coming with wearing it. So
since explaining the consequence clearly to SD, she has broken the rule appx 10 times each time manipulating her dad into not enforcing the consequence. So DH and I had a talk about the effects of no consequence for her behavior on her and future expectations as well as what my BS was seeing and learning from. The agreement was the next time she broke the rule the consequence would be enforced with NO EXCEPTIONS. Of course the next time he had to give something and allowed her to pick to wear it either Sat or Sunday so she picked Sunday. Then later when I wasn't there he agreed to not require her to wear it to church but she had to put it on right after. We were scheduled to go to a movie in the after noon, she put the gear on after church and then advised us she was NOT wearing it to the movie, we argued again that she knew the consequence and once again when we shouldn't have we bent the consequence to her benefit (which I just HATE doing) and she agreed so she needed to wear it. She didn't so she stayed home from the movie.

She is due to come this weekend and still owes us 8 hours of wearing headgear, we have advised her that she is not allowed to bring her cell phone or Ipod to our home, while we can't take them away we can not allow them in our home, and she asked to go to a hockey game and we said no. But during the arguements of last weekend and the phone calls of this week everytime she is "in trouble" all of the sudden she hates our house and she doesn't have to follow our rules because they are stupid and we can't punish her and she doesn't want to come any more.

SD advised us that she is not following the rule because it is stupid and she doesnt' agree with it so she doesn't need to follow it. So at this point I feel there is no way we can provide any exception to the consequence (not that there ever should have been) not so much about the headgear but about not being able to select the rules you follow. If she would like to discuss the reasonableness of the rule she is welcome to do so but NOT after she has broken the rule. I also feel her bad behavior has been rewarded WAY too many times and sets a horrible precident for my BS who always gets the short end of the stick in favor of the "princess".

Am I being unreasonable in expecting that the punishment stick when she has understood the rule for over a year and been reminded of the consequence 10+ times and had as many warnings?

Also what is the best way to handle the threats of "if I don't get what I want I am not coming for my weekends". I don't go for it but of course it breaks my DH heart, I know its manipulitve, but I am tempted to say (but of course never would), "Good don't come" and then follow through, but that would make her feel that we don't want her there and that of course is NOT the case. We simply want a respectful SD who follows the rules and sets a good example for her SB.

A few side notes she has become increasingly inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful of me and my BS which we will be discussing this weekend but of course not much more we can do as no available consequences as her BM won't help enforce consequences. In fact her BM eggs this on as she loves to see the drama cause then she looks like the wonderful mom though they have a whole different set of issues.

My BS is my DH SS but has never met his BD and is with us 100% of the time, DH is able to rule him with an "iron fist" and no leeway on consequences.

This is causing stress between my BS and DH, and between me and DH and all of us and SD.

HELP!