Ok, so finally I can type the rest of it......busy today for some odd reason????? I guess garbage is never ending....
So, after Dh said he was leaving for good, I told him to take her with him. He said her mom is on the way. I said, if you walk out that door before sugarmama gets here, I will call the police and tell them she is unruly and they can take her, you are NOT leaving her with me! So, I sit in the living room hysterically crying. like I said, I have basically been planning for this day for a while now, but it still was a shock and was painful as hell. BS10 is now upset b/c DH told him he was leaving (asshole). Nice thing to do to your kids on Christmas day huh? Forever ruin their Christmas. So, I eventually got up and locked myself in the bathroom. Puking and crying...you know how it is right? Anyway, I hear the backdoor close and I know he's gone. I got even more upset then. Not really b/c he left, but more b/c I can see the future of our boys. Dh will be soooo very hard to deal with after the divorce. I went through hell after my parents divorced when I was 9, and I swore I'd NEVER put my kids through that! I cried for all my kids future bdays that wont be the same, their Christmas', their graduations, etc. Nothing will ever be the same, ever again for them. I know, been there, done that. My parents divorce made me very insecure with relationships, and w/DH I thought I had gotten past that with him. I start thinking about how very different my life is about ready to become. How I know I am a strong person and have gotten through much tougher situations, so I know I'll make it through this one. But, it doesn't stop the pain. I end up with a migrain, clearly stress induced. So, after passing out on the bathroom floor due to the pain, I wake to DH picking me up and trying to get me to be coherent. He's crying and telling me that he does not want to lose me or the boys and that he knows he would be miserable w/out us in his life. He said he cannot accept the fact that SD will never be the child he thought she was and that he is devastated at the fact that her mental illness will never allow her to be a happy person, at least not with herself. (during all this, sugarmama comes to pick her up). The boys are watching a movie and are kind of oblivious to all this... Then I lay down in bed and DH has a seizure. He gets these sometimes....neurologist says they are brought on by extreme stress. So, I call EMS....even though I am an EMT, I am not a medic, and he will need his airway preserved if he doesn't come out of it soon. By the time they arrive, he's out of it and feeling sick, but ok. He refuses to got o the hospital...whatever. So, we sit down and talk some more about things, and he says he does NOT want SD living with us anymore, good at least I have that right?
So, we decide to take the boys to see a movie. Oldest picks Marley & me. No, I haven't read the book, or the reviews, so I have noooo idea what I am walking into. DO NOT see this movie after crying all day in the 1st place! You WILL cry the last 45 mins of the movie. If you do not, you are NOT human! SO, after crying at the damn movie, we decided to visit my elderly aunt and some of my cousins. We actually ended up having a pretty good time. In the end, we decided that we love each other more than we want to hurt the boys. He has also agreed to go to individual counseling and marriage therapy. (he has other issues he needs to work on)....
so, all in all the day sucked, but I guess it all had to come to a head sooner or later. Oh, and I DID forward the video to all her family from her phone, and I DO still have the ipod and other gifts. I am going to take them back after the lines die down in a day or so. Hopefully DH won't reconsider anything!
I did tell him that my main problem with SD is the fact that she is so damn disrespectful to me AND him and I will NOT live with a child who cannot respect me. Someone has that as their quote.... "you don't have to like me, but you DO have to respect me". That's how I feel ya know? I really have never minded the fact that she lived with us, in fact, I think she's better off with us.....she does so much better in everything when she's away from sugarmama. But its the disrespect I cannot stand. I think he's finally starting to understand her illness to some degree and understand that he can't let her get away with something even once, b/c then it becomes this thing were she thinks it is an everyday occurence. You cannot give one inch with her, or she will take several miles. With most kids you can let them get away with some stuff, and blow it off. You cannot do that with her, she cannot understand the difference. My saving grace right now is that she is with sugarmama and wont be back (I hope). Please send me good thoughts, I soooo need some strength right now! Thanks!!!