anyone else have this problem?
I am soooo sick of DH and SD18. It's sickening to me and I dont think I can take anymore. Really.
He makes it completely impossible to have a relationship with SD18. I've raised this kid ever since BM ran off and left her and her sister when they were fairly young. He's always said how much he wants me to be her mother. Fine. But, every time I try, it's wrong. I'm either to hard on her, to controlling, or if I'm doing something nice for her, it's not enough.....why didn't I do more? I'm sick of it. The child is 18. She's still so dependant on her father that she cant call anyone without asking him who to call or where to go for anything. It's annoying.
She's 18, almost 19, for God's sake. Geezus. This time, this all started before Christmas when she decided she needed to come home from college because she just couldn't bear to be away from "home". what she really missed was her boyfriend, but she conveniently wrapped it in a nice little bow so that daddy would buy her crap that she missed him so much. GAG. He bought it, I didn't. We have a 5 bedroom home. 2 of those are being used by our boys. One is the office/baby room, and one is our of course. When she moved out, I made her room into my space...for crafts, scrapbooking, etc. When she came home, I had to clean it all out to make room for princess. I wasn't really all that annoyed with it b/c I thought she'd be living in it. She dumped her crap there and hasn't been back to spend the night since. SHe stays with her BF. DH cannot understand why this annoys me. He says I wouldn't use the space any way. Really? Hmmmm.....used it all the time before I had to clean it out. OK..... I told SD we were not a storage facility nor a hotel and that she either needed to stay home, or move out. She spends 99.9% of her time at the boyfriends anyway, so why not just move in? He's getting the milk for free anyway, right?
So, this has been a bone of contention with me for a while, but I've pretty much said very little about it. When I do, I'm being a bitch, or trying to control her, etc. So, we were told that when she moved back home, she would be attending (transferring) the local university. She hasn't called them, nor done anything about admissions, etc since she's been home. It's January 4th for shit's sake. When exactly were you planning on doing it???? Anyway, she wants "daddy" to take her to the local university to get info on her status there. He doesn't go, likely because I threw a fit about her being more independant, so she gets BF to take her. They tell her that her ACT scores are too low to gain entry into their school, she should try the local community college. So now, she wants daddy to take her there.... really? WHY can't you take yourself????
She can't do ANYTHING without daddy holding her hand. I feel like the other woman in my own marriage. When she came into the office last night to ask daddy to take her, I turned and asked her why she couldn't go on her own??? Apparently this was WAAAY wrong to do??????? She says, "I dont wanna go by myself". Then storms off. Then DH and I get into a HUGE fight b/c apparently I'm trying to "control" her. No, I simply want her to be an adult. Be a strong woman and do it herself. Why is that wrong?
The flip side to this is that I fell right before Christmas and broke my foot and have screws in my foot. I can't walk. I can't do most things for myself. I NEED his help. I have been begging him for 3 days to help me shower. He can't be bothered to find the time. However, he can jump when she says jump. I'm pissed.
On another note, every day I am being told what a bitch I am and how he hates this and that about me, etc. I'm ready to walk. I can't take anymore.
He's just left to take her. I'm even MORE pissed that he actually took her. My question, am I being unreasonable?
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No not at all and she will
No not at all and she will continue to act like a little girl as long as he treats her like one. I do not understand why parents do this to their children they don't understand what a disservice they are really doing to them.
I disagree with what you said
I disagree with what you said in the first paragraph. My bet is her "Daddy issues" are now being foisted upon the BF. If he's the controlling type he won't mind and she'll like it until she grows a backbone, which may never happen. If he's not the controlling type, he'll get tired of it after awhile and want to move on. Just my opinion...
You're spot on everywhere else.
really, it's more anger
really, it's more anger toward her that she isnt more self-sufficient..... it's likely misplaced anger, but I am a VERY independant person myself, so it's very hard for me to just accept her dependance. And I do believe that she's just transferring her dependance to the BF instead of learning to stand on her own!
with a broken foot?!?!?!?!? i
with a broken foot?!?!?!?!? i would've told him if she cannot stay without a nightly fee plus food, and i WILL not clean "myspace" out for princess she can sleep on the couch or go to bf's house like she normally does.
yeah i'd have a problem with that. next time he tells you to be her mother, i'd just say i don't want to, she has one and you never let me parent my way so i give up, end of story
Let your dh tkae his daughter
Let your dh tkae his daughter to the university...he would have done it with or without your consent anywyas....sounds like your sd has been pampered by daddy for a while and the damage is done cause she obvioulsy latches herself to BF in same manner...she will have issues for the rest of her life on that level. Hopefully she'll learn some hard lessons...
In the meantime, you have a broken leg, you need a shower? Call a home nurse to help you for the day to shower you and To take back your Craft room back since sd is obviously not using it. She can sleep on the couch when she come to 'visit' from bf house. AND give the bill for nurses or helpers service to your dear loving husband!
How about that ?:)
I wonder if your dh would actually get pist off and rearrange the room again for dear daughter or be lazy like mine and do nohting
Sorry You are not being unreasonable and considering your condition , your dh's LACK of responsibility to you as a wife and partner is awful. You begging him to help you shower for 3 days now...but when sd says somehtnig he jumps...i understand its guilt on his part for his daughter...totally get it...my dh does the same at instances...and he does things to as well for her not to whine cause he can't deal with her complaining...etc...
But your sd is with her bf and next time she wants daddy to take her , suggest that her bf should accompany her...looks better that way.
I understand your thought on an independant gal...your right onthat...but your dh sees you as attacking her when you state go on your own...Next time tell her to see if Bf can take her.
And get that nurse to help you and bill your husband!!!!
i honestly dislike people
i honestly dislike people that turn into 'mommies and daddies' and let their children run their life...then they turn around and wonder why their now adult children are self centred POS? duh.
I totally agree. I'm not
I totally agree. I'm not angry b/c she asked for help. I'm angry b/c she does NOTHING on her own. I would totally expect him to go with her to check out a school, no problem. But, when you can't even function in day to day life without asking your dad or BF for help, this becomes annoying. Great example, she's taken her car in for service. It's brand new, and the sunroof is leaking. It's still under warranty, so they will give her a loaner car to drive while it's being repaired, if she asks. She wont ask. She wants daddy to do it for her. Because he hasn't, BF has been carting her arse around since Monday. It's this kind of crap that drives me nutso.
I am just reading this, I can
I am just reading this, I can see my DH being like this when SS goes to college.
Sia, I feel for you because you are living my worse nightmare. DH has been waiting on SS17 every since I meet him. SS has a serious case of "learned helplessness". I don't know who is this house is more pathetic, DH for enabling or SS for expecting.
It kinda sounds like you have the same thing going on. DH will do things for SS before he will help me out too.
The good thing is a learned behavior and be unlearned.
She is a spoiled brat it
She is a spoiled brat it seems like. If she is old enough to go screw her boyfriend 24/7 then she can walk into a college by herself. She is being a big baby and your DH is falling for it, seems like he doesn't mind her wanting to stay a dependent. She needs to get thrown out and get a real awakening.
Ironically it is your DH who
Ironically it is your DH who is controlling SD, not you. He is also doing a real no, no which is to set up a triangle with the three of you by playing the nice guy and programming his daughter to expect being rescued by him. He is failing to teach his daughter self-reliance, independence and the courage to get out in the real world and get what she wants out of life.
I expect if you were to ask him what he thinks a good father is, he would say that a good father is protective and caring. Parenting guidance changes as children grow older, and sometimes fathers just aren’t willing to let their daughters grow up. He seems to want to keep her as daddy’s little girl.
I find it odd also that he doesn’t mind his daughter basically living with her BF instead of pursuing her higher education and economic independence foremost. Yet keeping a string tied to daddy through a room (that is rarely used) in “his” house. I bet you he sees himself as an ideal father and is oblivious to the fact that is he is the one causing the difficulties between SD and you.
He obviously enjoys his daughter’s dependence on him and may well be in competition with you by using his daughter against you. Every time your DH does that SD feels she has been elevated to #1 position by how he openly takes her side. Then to compound the issue he bullies you into compliance by saying he wants you to be the mother, then criticizing everything motherly that you do, and by calling you a bitch and a control freak.
When a father is this blind to his own inner workings and complicity in the triangle it is an impossible situation for the one left out. And make no mistake he will fight tooth and nail to keep you thinking that it is some personal failing of yours, rather than the so-called great father/daughter relationship that he orchestrated that IS excluding you.
He needs to back off his rescuing role and you need to assert your right to mother SD instead of being set up in competition with each other. It will be a long process even to get him to recognize what he is doing.
awesomely said!!! I am going
awesomely said!!! I am going to print this and show it to him!! Thank you!!!!
She needs to be told that she
She needs to be told that she must be enrolled in school in order to be living in your house. And she needs to have a curfew, chores, and rules to be followed while living in your house. Otherwise, she needs to move out and take care of herself. You're not running a YMCA.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable. The daughter knows exactly what she is doing....Daddy is oblivious. (I had a broken ankle last year at this time and I completely feel for you! Bathing SUCKS!!!!) I would disengage completely. The daughter does not want a mommy, she wants her daddy. If Daddy asks why you aren't helping, simply say you have to worry about your foot and getting better---"I can barely take care of myself!" See, Daddy expects you to respond in a certain way. Our families are like plays and we all have a role in the "play". So, if you change your role, then the play has to change. Do something he doesn't expect--like NOT giving a crap about the daughter's wants. Ignore their ENMESHED, DYSFUNCTIONAL relationship. If Daddy wants his baby girl to be his equal, then he can get HIS needs and wants from her, too. You focus on getting better and taking care of your boys.