It's not even the weekend yet
And I'm getting anxiety just knowing the hours are ticking away until we will go pick up ss. Hopefully it will be a nice uneventful weekend, but that is such a rare thing these days. It seems every weekend that we have him, there is something. It's bad enough that ss is showing strong feelings of entitlement syndrome, and has been switching up the guilt game with Dh lately, witch kills Dh and then I have to spend the next few days after we drop SS off repairing Dh so he doesn't feel like a horrible father. ( O so horrible, because he pays child support and has never missed a payment, makes every effort to pick up his son for our scheduled visitation, and when we do have ss he gives him full attention.) Thats not mentioning the way ss acts with me.
Then, when we drop ss off, BM has to play her own game of trying to look like the better parent, and woa is me, how they are suffering, and how will they go on? O and lately she will cleverly get little comments in about things that her & Dh used to do. All I'm thinking when I see her, is, PLEASE don't talk to me, because everything you say is laced with poison. Of course I get a few jabs back at her, because she has been cut off from DH's family, and cannot go to family functions, or anything, so I just mention that when she gets going on that. Just because her relationship with the man she left Dh has gone down the pooper, she is trying to sniff around and find out if she still has any power over Dh, and if we are a strong couple or if she can worm her way back into Dh's life. Good thing I know my sweetie, and he would rather die then ever take her back. The only thing he has to say about her is that she died to him when she walked out the last time. (there were a few other times she came and left) I know all will end well once the weekend is over, but just knowing there will probably be some wonderful mind games with SS and BB, I just start feeling edgy before we even get to the weekends we have ss. Thank goodness for a place like this where we can VENT and not have to be PC. I know what I am dealing with is nothing compared to some of you , and my heat goes out when I read all of the horror stories.
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Comments
i agree
thank God for this site!! Yes i get the same way knowing Sd is coming . SOme times its good , and sometimes its not. We have had her for almost 3 weeks straight and 2.5 to go. This is the longest stretch ever. It hasnt been as bad as i thought it would be, but Im still looking forward to some kid free time.
I know some times for me i make plans with my friends so i can have a break.
Hang in there Green!! I have
Hang in there Green!! I have been making it a point to get out for a bit on the weekends we have the kids just to clear my mind a little. I'll go grocery shopping or save my errands for the weekend just to get out of the house for an hour or 2. Don't feel like you have to be there every single second like I used to...
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
i do the same thing!
i disappear for a bit on visitation wkends too...esp the friday. ive become quite good at it actually! i just save all my errands and stuff for these nites and take care of it then.
FH used to get REAL mad at thins, he still does i think, bc he hates me leaving my own home and not being w him. he even thought i was going out to meet guys!! how silly! he knows why i do it now, but it still upsets him. he alwasy tells me to hurry home but funny, i dont seem to get done w my errands until about 830, when SD has alreday gone to bed...hmmmmm...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
FH gets pissed at me
FH gets pissed at me sometimes but I really don't care - it's a way of maintaining my sanity...
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Me too
I reserve anything I have to do for the time when I know SD will be with us. I need the break, she has been so clingy with DH lately that I just can't breath sometimes. Dh told me last night "it is what it is", so ok you are right. I say, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I think I need to get my nails done, do a little shopping, visit a sick friend and take the dog to the park. That should take up a little time over the weekend anyway.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
i'm with you on this one today...
as the minutes tick by bringing me closer to having to spend the weekend with SS12, i get more and more sick to my stomach. i hate the tension and gloom that overcomes my family and my household when he arrives in the door, looking sulky, bored and uninterested in absolutely everything. not to mention his expensive clothes and haircut that we paid for with the thousands of dollars we just paid his mother last week. meanwhile, i'm trying to plan next week's menu and use the cheapest ways to make meals b/c we are penniless. i'm sure while he's here, he'll be wondering why we don't keep all his 'favourites' on hand in the fridge and why we're not dropping $200 just to entertain him. well, that gravy truck is over.
i swear, this whole situation is giving me an ulcer. for the whole weekend, he's going to be asking what are we doing (b/c rest assured, unless it costs money, he's not interested) and he'll be snubbing everything i cook for him and wanting to eat in a restaurant instead. we have no money for anything and we're all going to be stuck in the house together this weekend. we're in a very very small place right now and we'll be almost on top of each other. he hates my cats, they hate him back. he ignores our biodaughter (1) and he pretty much pouts the whole time he is here. my hubby acts sullen and withdrawn and nobody really smiles or speaks for 72 hours. it's absolutely awful and from my experience and my efforts in the past, there is absolutely NOTHING i can do about this.
anyway, i think i'll plan a 'get out' with our daughter away from the two dark clouds and hopefully give them some time together - alone. not that that will do any good. they barely speak to each other. SS surfs the internet for hours and hours and dad watches tv. we have one tv and one computer. see what i'm getting at? fun, fun fun.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
misery loves company
I say go and enjoy your daughter and let those two rain clouds enjoy their misery together.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
unknown
please dont take this the wrong way but isnt SS at the age where he could decide whether or not he wants to come over?? maybe given the way things are going a break might be in everyones best interest???
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
bellacita
you are correct. SS can decide not to visit. but let me paint a picture: SS, DH, myself and everyone else involved seems to be acting purely out of 'obligation' these days. SS doesn't seem to like to visit, would rather be at home with his friends online on the internet with all his 'things' and DH doesn't know how to relate to him after trying and trying and trying to get him interested in other things, he just gave up. i am obligated to play 'nice' cook and clean up after everyone, ACT like i give a shit and it's tense. i don't see SS not visiting an option for a couple of reasons, like i mentioned above, DH and SS feel it's the right thing to do to see each other regularly. i mean, after all it's my dad right? well, DH feels the same. after all, it's my son right? it jsut wouldn't be right to not see him. but at the end of the day, it doesn't seem that anyone's heart is in it, making for a very VERY uncomfortable weekend.
so, i've said it before, these two need to work out their shit and stop making everyone feel uncomfortable in their presence. some of it may have to do with SS's weird age, they pull away at this age, they become a little more 'in their heads' and some of it is due to the fact that DH just doesn't want to try anymore after being rejected time and time again.
watching all this go on is sickening and unhealthy but it must go on. they are father and son and whether they like it or not, they HAVE to have a relationship. ugh.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
yeah i see what youre saying, unknown
i guess for me, when my parents divorced, my dad saw me for awhile but it was clear he didnt want to and did it only out of obligation and i didnt want to go w him bc he wasnt really spending time w me (i am NOT comparing ur DH to this awful excuse for a man who is my father). so eventually, he just didnt bother anymore. and thats okay bc i would rather not see him than him see me only out of obligation and not bc he really wanted to.
now, my father is an ass...ur DH has tried and tried and really cares about his son. i think they really DO need to get it worked out bc otherwise, its not fair to anyone involved for things to go on this way.
like i mentioned, maybe a break would help both parties see alittle clearer? maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder and SS will WANT to hang w daddy again???
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
actually, i think a break
is just what these two need. they both need to think a little and remember what's important. i mean, DH knows, but SS isn't getting any encouragement from his BM to keep that relationship strong ie. father's day, dad's birthday, etc. SS skips visiting us when he can to hang with his friends. it's frustrating. but without getting into yet another long story, a break IS coming as we are moving and it'll be harder to see SS EOW. now, when he visits us, it will be for l o n g stretches. which i think is better. more time to bond. more time to really get to know each other (and i mean ALL of us too). so, we'll see what happens, when THAT happens. although, SS won't ever really like being with us b/c we dont' have the kind of money that's thrown around at his house. and at 12 years old, money is king.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
youre moving???
and away from SS and nutso BM??? LUCKY!!!!!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
My ss is
16 & his mother needs her "free weekends" so the EOW's are going strong. He doesn't have a job for the summer so he stays home alone all week. I don't think the mom wants him to get a job because then it might interfere with her regularly scheduled free weekends (if he is asked to work on the weekend). She is a sly one.
I too take off when SS comes. Dh completely understands----I let him know how I felt ALL ALONG, SO THIS IS NO SURPRISE.
I get an uncomfortable feeling right before he comes and keep that feeling until after he leaves. I have less than 2 years left---and it will be OVER even if I have to WALL OFF the guest room.
I'm with the girls on this
I'm with the girls on this one- 'escape' on those weekends if you can.
Run your errands. Do food shopping alone (and let people go in front of you in line!) Go to lunch with a friend.
No one ever said that you HAVE to be there 24/7 when the SKids are there. (Most don't even want to see the 'Steps' anyway- they want to visit with their bioparents!)
I've read on this site the response that so many SO/FH/BF/DH's get upset that we would dare choose to do this- leave for a little while.
Why? Can't they handle being 'daddy' on their own for a little bit? Wouldn't they WANT that special time alone with their kids?
I would think it would be the best of BOTH worlds. We, as stepmoms, get to escape for a little while and work out our own issues (plus, transition time is usually not pleasant in a lot of cases), and dad gets to spend one-on-one time with the kids. It's perfect.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
my FH
doesnt like me leaving OUR house bc of HIS kid...he also doesnt like me not being there w him, not bc he needs help but bc he genuinely loves spending time w me (this will wear off eventually im sure!). well too bad bc thats the way I like it!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
That's an easy one for me bellacita
My Dh hates it when I leave for the day for shopping or go out with the girls after work for he same reason. It's easy for me bacause he hates shopping with me and refuses to go into a nail salon, all I do is say "I need to go check out this sale at ---- and get my nails done, be back in a while". He never argues.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
My DH is the same way
My DH is the same way. In the beginning, he was NOT happy about it- he felt I was giving up, like the girls were forcing me out of my house, but eventually it was just something he has now to come to accept.
He knows that for my mental and emotional well-being, this is something I must do for ME.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I'm with you on this one
I just found out (after asking my husband about his plans for the weekend) that we will have SD15. Dammit! I was enjoying my stress-free times. Now my plans are going out the window. I was hoping, after the fiasco that was Father's Day, that I could get him to spend some time with BDs 4 and 2. Never mind! I was thinking about going to a nearby waterpark, but now he says he thinks he'll take SD shopping. Whatever. I just have to survive 48 hours, right?!
48 hours can feel like an eternity
when you feel like a stranger in your own house.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
48 hours...
no kidding. ive actually sat in parking lots listening to my car stereo so i wouldnt have to go back home so soon...im going to try to be better this wkend though...ive got a party tonite and then tomorrow i will be busy putting those orders in, shopping at ONE store and tanning. thats it. so i will be home most of the day. lets see if i survive...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Tell me about it
But, this is opposed to 120 straight hours of putting up with her mopey attitude during the school year when she is with us for a week at a time. Then when we have her for the weekend is when I almost go nuts because it's 288 straight hours! EEK!
I feel what you are feeling
my sister recently visited and I was struck by how wonderful my nieces are in contrast.
I love this line,
"Do food shopping alone (and let people go in front of you in line!)"
I feel like I should be there a lot of the time but sometimes I just need to be alone.
Hey there Greentea - how are
Hey there Greentea - how are you doing today? Hopefully not wallowing in that feeling of dread. Did you make plans for yourself for this weekend?
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
New Approach
I am going to try something different this weekend (yes, the dreaded weekend). I usually leave (my home-----yes, purchased for 25 years BEFORE MEETING HIM) so that they can be together alone & bond, and I can keep my sanity. As I said, I normally very cheerfully leave.
I have been leaving my comfortable home but I don't want to any more. I am tired. I want to enjoy my pool & air conditioning & big screen. I AM GOING TO STAY HOME AND CONTROL THE TV. I will tell the man/child (who should have a job or be in sports) that he may watch with me (cooking/gardening shows) or go watch tv upstairs.
And I shall have a cigarette or two.
ALL DAY and into the evening.
If I keep making it so f pleasant, he'll never want to stop coming over.
Sorry for the vent, but any and all comments are welcome. I feel like I am drowning.
you go girl
I started to do the same thing, leave my home that I purchased for ME!!
then I said the hell with that, and took control, and if I dont want to have to deal with them, I go to my room I have a nice tv in there grab a movie I have been meaning to see and watch it, if I fall asleep oh well. (sometimes I take a glass or two of wine with me!!)
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
thank you
For all of your comments and advice. I wish I could disappear for the weekend, but It's just not going to happen.I seem to be the sane glue that keeps everything running around the house. SS asks for me when I'm not there, and DH is really lost with out me (ss only 4) and I'm sure will resort to letting him eat junk all day and spending the remainder of our checking account on toys for ss. We are on a strapped budget, and I have not been having good luck with my jobs since we moved so theres not much room to go shopping or pamper me, and I don't have any friends in this city who are not married w/ kids , who could get away for a few hours for a cup of coffee. All my real friends and family live over an hour away. Usually this is not a problem because Dh and I enjoy each others company tirelessly and therefore usually don't care to go out by ourselves.
I'm trying not to think about the weekend, and focus on my job search but it's hard not to feel some anxiety. I think this is more due to BB and her antics lately then ss. I do enjoy ss to a certain degree, because I love kids and want some myself, and it's like we get a taste of that EOW, but I hate the disruption of our life, and the issues that come with that. It's hard not to feel resentful of the situation at times, even if it's not all bad times. At this point it would probably do more harm then good to leave the two of then to their own demise.
O BTW before we got married , I would run out for coffee in the mornings when we had SS, and you would have thought I had left for the day. and one time two months ago I tried to go grocery shopping, and guess who just HAD to come with me? And then the whole time I had to listen to ss whine whine whine about getting what he wanted. ARGH!Maybe when SS gets a little older they will want time alone. Otherwise, I will have to come up with a scheme.
I have to say this site helps me keep my sanity, and t'm sure I will be escaping to the computer this weekend since I can't get away from them }:)
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:
But that
is the point. I tried that (going to my room) but I felt "hostage" in there. And in the summer, upstairs is a b... Meanwhile they were sitting there laughing it up all comfy and cozy watching my tv, on my couch in my family room AND I WAS BEING HELD IN MY ROOM. Where's the f sanity to that????? Okay, I've done my time in the barrel. I signed up for this----I paid the piper. He's 16 not 12. I AM DONE.
When I was 16 I had a job. I didn't need to suck on my mom's tit!!!!I had a driver's license. I had motivation---friends----
I just want to enjoy my family room on my weekends. I don't want to hurt anyone, don't want to be mean to anyone, don't wanna ---don't wanna NOTHING.
Angel
That is another reason I can not run off and let Dh fend for himself. SS keeps talking about living with DADDY... so I want to be sure he understands what it will be like ( even if only a taste) living with daddy and step mommy. If he lived with us he would be treated as a normal child, not prince ****. He's only 4, so I believe there may be a time when he ends up on our doorstep, so I think it easier to start with boundaries while he is young and set an atmosphere that is realistic then to wait till he's older to try and train him (and DH). And we then would probably end up divorced, because I would never settle for living under the same roof with that behavior. I guess i'm too strong willed sometimes..I chalk it off to being a redhead
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:
its tough
i remember the first time i left FH by himself w the kids and went to a party (my first nite out alone since i moved here). i came home, SS said dinner sucked...the corn wasnt cooked (stove issues). SD had been asking about me all nite...and FH looked like a lost puppy. and its not that he needs me...he raised the boys on his own when BM1 left...i think he really just likes having me there. now i guess the kids are used to me not being there much when SD is and FH still gets upset at this...but i do what i have to. when i am home, i do spend alot of time in my bedroom alone...but i like it that way bc i lived alone for a few years and loved it!
angel, im glad u are taking back control in your own house and doing what u want. dont feel like just bc u are there u have to play mom...
greentea...im just like u...all of my friends are back home in another state and the ones i have here have kids so they cant really do the girl thing very often. like u, this doesnt bother me bc FH and i do our own thing and love spending time together. whatever u decide, have a great weekend...all of us...lets take care of ourselves, maybe try to tolerate more and we'll see how it turns out. either way...we'll all be checking in this wkend for support!!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I have been here
I have been here contemplating crying while reading all of this. Thanks so much Bellacita, Green Tea, and Sarah. You really made me feel better. I hope you have a good weekend.
isnt it sad
we stepmoms spend so much time anguishing over this, trying to figure things out, do whats best for everyone, all the while putting up w such shit, either from the kids, the BMs or both. honestly, i feel bad for alot of u gals bc honestly, my FH is great at putting my needs first...he may not recognize what i think he should do but always after i point it out he agrees and complies. he has said that if things start to deteriorate as far as SD's behavior w me, us or our future kids that he will put an end to that. i really hope hes true to his word if that ends up the case.
angel, i cant tell u how many tears ive shed over it all...for me its the BM mainly but the way shes raising SD...so babied and clingy to her tit, as u said...it makes it difficult on me when we have her. at least FH doesnt let SD get away w it when shes w us. i still get all riled up going into visitation wkends...todays text msg didnt help w that. i completely understand. i think ur DH really needs to get his son in line bc hes old enough to start being a man (SS, that is...well, DH too i guess!)
hang in and take care...hugs xx
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin