Same old argument
I am SO tired of dh and me having the same old argument. YOUR kids vs MY kids...SO old! Last night, dh said SS21 FINALLY called him back after he has tried to get a hold of him for over a week. Admittedly, dh's sons normally call him right back unlike MY kids who sometimes don't even respond, but that's another story. I told dh not to take it personally...I don't from my kids. Then, he was all about well, SS21 is going south and then I'm gonna have to pick up the pieces...AGAIN. (For those of you who may be new, SS21 is a drug addict whom we've dealt with for 4 years now. I disengaged from him last Fall.) Anyway, I keep my calm these days...just listen, then say, well...you know there's nothing more you can do. He's a big boy and will have to figure it out. AGAIN, dh comes back with..."What? I'm supposed to give up on him when he's ONLY 21??" Then, he starts adding, "If it was one of YOUR prima dona daughters..." I always cut him off by replying, "MY kids don't do drugs!" UGH He should NEVER bring up my daughters because it's ridiculous to do so. MY kids are doing fine...college educated with jobs, youngest is a senior in college. Of course his point I always know he wants to make is that if it WAS one of my DDs, I couldn't turn my back on them any more than he can his son. Probably true. Even Dr. Phil says you NEVER give up on your kids, but I'm not convinced of that. At some point, there's nothing more you can do because only THEY can help themselves. Parents can't MAKE their adult kids DO anything. I'm just tired of him bringing up my kids when talking about HIS. How I wish I'd married a man with normal kids. He's lucky I love him! lol
Thanks for listening. It just helps getting it off my chest.
He needs to attend some
He needs to attend some AlAnon meetings. He will eventually realize that "helping" and enabling are two completely different things.
AlAnon is a good thing to
AlAnon is a good thing to try. One thing he will learn is most drug addicts give up drugs by the time they're 40 or so. Unfortunately some are in the grave by then but the survivors go on to remain drug free.
I think you're best option is to remain silent when the subject comes up. Don't try and support either one of them just stay out of the fray.
So, I could be looking at
So, I could be looking at possibly 20 more years of the SAME?? UGH At this time, at least dh has ONE son (SS31) who has been clean for 2 years, finished a welding program through the VA (he's an IRAQ vet) and is lucky he has disability for PTSD or HE'D be on the streets, too! We put our hope in him, but, we both know how hard it is in our society NOT to drink even as that's what people do for enjoyment and entertainment. We can only hope he has the ability to stay strong.
I totally agree and mentioned
I totally agree and mentioned that to dh once. Dh did used to attend some kind of meetings years ago when he was going through all this with his oldest (SS32) who was finally diagnosed mentally ill at 23 and has been on government disability since. He has pretty much disengaged from him. Dh figures there's nothing more he can learn since he's been dealing with all this for 20+ years. At least at this point, I do know he won't allow SS21 to live with us which of course is music to my ears. What I can imagine he will continue to do is try to talk sense into his son as he did last night and,then, when his son hits rock bottom again, he'll get him to go back into rehab. SS21 is just lucky the government allows him to be on our medical insurance to keep paying for his rehab stays. What grinds me, too, is when dh spends money on his son as he did his oldest for years...buying him toiletries, clothes, etc...when his oldest would call and say he was out of money. (SS32 lives solely on the government.) After dh saw him buying booze in a convenience store one day I think was the day dh understood that his son was just using him. did get Dh said last night he's ready to pay for a cell phone for SS21 so at least he can get a hold of him. Dh gets very worried when he doesn't hear from his kids. He always thinks the worst (like they're dead of an overdose or something). With the oldest, honestly, I'm surprised that day hasn't come yet. A few months ago, he bought SS21 $200 worth of clothes as he was starting a new job and needed decent clothes. SS21 lost that job within 3 days as he ran out of money and was hungry, so stole something to eat at work and got caught on camera. Can we say stupid?? This kid is as dumb as a box of rocks (dh's words). THEN, when he got another job (waiting tables), dh had to take him out AGAIN for clothes as he needed black pants, black shoes, etc...It never seems to end. sigh I always tell dh that if he was in college (like MY DD)or at least trying to get straight and do the right thing, I wouldn't mind so much, but because he is back using drugs and isn't really doing anything to BETTER his situation (trade school for example), then I DO have a problem with him "helping". SS21 IS old enough to "get it" and figure out that he can't go through life waiting tables and doing drugs...unless THAT'S what he chooses...and, if he does, then I do not support that and won't be happy when dh "helps" him. Dh said once, "Don't you think if he could do the right thing, he would? He's ILL." Maybe so, but I still think he could if he chose to. Granted, addiction IS an illness, but people clean up when they choose to. I believe he can, but chooses not to.
I agree with you 100%. My SD
I agree with you 100%. My SD is mentally ill and she knows it. She uses it as an excuse to be manipulative. I get tired of all of the excuses her family makes for her because of her illness. I know mental illness is real and that these people suffer and I feel badly about that but you can be mentally ill and know right from wrong. SD knows right from wrong and she is very smart. She knows how to manipulate everyone as she tried to kill herself 6 years ago and she almost died. Now she uses that in order to get what she wants as everyone is afraid to make her mad as they fear she will attempt suicide again. My DH has spent thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to save his daughter. This was before we were married. Now he has learned that he was enabling her bad behavior. I feel sorry for any family that has to go through this however, mental illness isn't an excuse for bad behavior.
My SS28 is in drug rehab
My SS28 is in drug rehab right now. Seems to be doing well with the program. What DH is coming to realize is that we can NEVER trust SS again. The urge to use is so powerful, even strong people relapse. Our role is to love SS, but living his life is entirely up to him, especially all things financial.
Your DH needs to learn about the addicted brain/addicted person. My DH had just been crossing his fingers and hoping that SS would be ok, until recently, when he's really dug in to figure out what he should (and shouldn't) do. Your DH has his head in the sand and is thinking something magical will happen and his son will just be ok. Won't happen.
Your SS needs to be in control of his own life--even if that means doing drugs and being homeless. That was, finally, the choice that faced my SS when he entered rehab the last time. And I was the bitch that insisted we not send him any more money -- DH was paying for him to stay in a nice hotel while "we figured it out." It wasn't up to US to figure out. It was and is up to SS.
I hope your DH seeks answers.
I totally hear you! Our SS24
I totally hear you! Our SS24 has been in and out of trouble with drugs and alcohol. A little history - my husband is 17 years sober as he had the same problem way back when. When I met him he was sober. Ya'd think he out of anyone would know that SS24 is the only one who can help himself. DH has tried with AA meetings, rehab, ect and the kid was never interested. So not interested he chose prison over rehab. My son who is also 24 is doing great - graduated college with great grades, has a decent job now and is living on his own but yet when my son asks if he can go camping up on our land with his friends, DH wigs out and is worried about where they are going to sh*t in the woods! Yet SS24 has been in prison and he wants him to move back in w/ us when he is released. Doesn't make any sense.