Update on SS23
So, I finally said something to SS23 Saturday morning. I went downstairs to what is normally my beautiful basement to see dirty dishes, a pack of cigarettes and clothes all over and ashes on our patio floor. I told SS23 to clean it up; he knows how I feel (about his mess AND particularly about smoking) and I reminded him that he was LUCKY to even BE in our home. OMG! It didn't even take him 2 minutes to go boo-hooing to his father, so, over breakfast, dh let me know if I didn't treat his son decently, there would be consequences and we'd end up divorced. UGH I can't win! This kid has sabotaged his life 5 years running and, every time he falls flat, apparently I'm supposed to welcome him home with open arms!?? I don't think so!!!
I hate being a stepparent and having no say. It doesn't matter how I feel...SS23 will always win and I know why. Dh has that unconditional love for his son that I have for my own daughters. However, as his wife, shouldn't he back ME up when I let SS23 that as long as he lives in our house, he is to do things OUR way...not just what dh says?? Dh seems to ONLY care that his son isn't drinking or doing drugs. No matter that he wreaks of cigarettes, has no job, causes our household bills to go up and my basement has his presence all over it. ICK
Since my comment, SS23 has gotten better about picking up. He never argues back, but the fact that he runs to his father like a child, makes me nauseous. I just want to scream at him, tell him to grow the F up and BE A MAN for pete's sake! When dh was 23, he was working 70 hours in a factory and supporting a family of 4! His kid can't even manage to take care of himself! And, dh, out of guilt, just can't seem to let go and let him do it by himself feeling his still young and he has an obligation to help. Whatev. That is fine, but the fact I'm the one who gets in trouble just saying something as I did to SS23 just isn't right. We should have each other's backs, but he always sides with SS23. As long as he's sober, dh coddles him and treats him like he's done nothing wrong. Well, I won't do that. He's done ALOT wrong and I'm refuse to treat him like a guest in my home and be all nicey-nice. uh uh Not gonna happen. I am ANGRY he's back in my home and I'm ANGRY that I have to stay silent in order to stay married to an otherwise good man.
The worst thing about being a stepparent is having NO SAY in your own home. I hate it, but dh was adamant about getting married, so I went along with it 5 years ago...having NO idea this kid would still be a thorn in my side. ugh
I told dh my silence towards his son was my way of coping. That I got off his son's drug/alcohol merry-go-round 2 years ago and now I feel like I'm being forced back on. I hate it. Seeing dh get his hopes all back up is killing me knowing SS23 probably won't make it in the long run. He's a child, plain and simple and I swear, has no clue how to succeed in life. He barely graduated high school and has no drive or motivation to do anything with his life. He tells dh exactly what he wants to hear, gets dh's hopes up, then, once he gets out on his own, goes right back to his same old bad behavior. My fear is dh will continue to let him live in our "safe environment" and his living in a halfway house won't happen. 
Thank you all for letting me vent. Noone in my real life is a stepparent or has a child like this, so would never understand what I'm going through.
Tell both of these man babies
Tell both of these man babies to go eff themselves (or each other) and leave that mess. Why would your want to live the rest of your life with an ahole?
He threaten divorce if you
He threaten divorce if you don't treat his son decently???
I'm sorry but that's emotional blackmail and I'd call him on it.
I don't know your circumstances but you need to set some boundaries, start putting money away and get ready for him to leave you for his grown man child.
^^^What notsobad said. He's
^^^What notsobad said. He's threatening to divorce you from his emotional abuse and his addict manchild? How is this bad?
Rejection is the beginning of freedom!
He thinks its okay and
He thinks its okay and acceptable to threaten to divorce you for asking his son to clean up his cigarette butt mess that was disrespectful behavior to begin with?
That's not okay. Are you financial dependent on him? Is that why he thinks he can get away with that?
I'd tell SS that if he
I'd tell SS that if he doesn't clean like YOU tell him to do he is going to have a lot to report to his little daddy.
Consequences like what?? Like divorce? A slap in the head?
Time to put DH's nads on the
Time to put DH's nads on the hook. No more confronting SS over his mess, etc...
Since DH does whines and cries when you hold his toxic failed experement in parenting accountable start taking pics, texting them to DH, adn inform him that if HE does not get his spawn straigntened out that the locks will be changed and they can both GTF out.
He threatened you with divorce. Start clearing out the accounts, get the stuff you want moved to storage, change the locks and start jacking up the joint credit cards.
If DH wants to make threats... kick his ass... figuratively of course.
Didn't you have this same
Didn't you have this same issue last year when he was living in your basement then. Almost caused a divorce then but he went to rehab. Why would you ever agree to have him come back? You had a good excuse not to.
My SS30 is an addict who has
My SS30 is an addict who has been to every rehab imaginable.
He was about 23 when I met him. I actually did try with SS for 2-3 years - although I never allowed him to stay in my home.
I adore my DH and my life with him. But I would tell my DH to go eff himself and the horse he rode in on if he EVER expected me to let SS live in our home and treat me like shit. I have always had ABSOLUTE SAY IN MY HOME.
Adult addicts(who make no attempts to recover) are to be discarded like the trash that they are.
Easy fix to all this. File
Easy fix to all this. File for divorce. Change the locks. Toss his and his kids stuff on the lawn.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments and support. You're all right, of course. I SHOULD HAVE a say in my own home, but, because it's not my kid, I don't.
Soooo....I finally did talk to Dh Sunday night about SS23. My biggest fear was that dh was going to let SS23 live here indefinitely and it was driving me crazy. We had agreed last time SS23 went to rehab that we would NEVER allow any of our adult children yo live with us without good reason and only with a deadline. Dh had told me when SS23 went to rehab this time and ended up back here that he would make sure he called about the halfway house every Monday. Apparently, they don't have an opening until early June. I hadn't heard anything more, so asked dh if SS23 had done that. He said yes and that he had passed his driver's test that day and had an appointment next week with his counselor. I said good to all those things and that was all.
As for he smoking (which I hate), dh himself was a smoker ( quit 3 years ago) so feels SS23 should at least be able to do that. I totally disagree. He started with cigarettes at age 16, alcohol at 17 and drugs shortly after that. I don't understand why dh can't see that addiction is addiction...plain and simple and since he couldn't smoke at rehab, he should have continued not smoking here. Dh enabling once again. Not long ago, dh and I watched a Sandra Bullock movie called "28 Days". The addicts in he rehab she was in couldn't even have anything with caffeine in it. If I was SS23's parent, our home, during the time he's here, would have been rehab Part 2...no cigarettes and no caffeine. The first week SS23 was in rehab this time, he cried to daddy that he couldn't smoke, so dh sneaked chew to him. UGH These are he enabling behaviors I hate.
So, I'm going to stop here and respond to the OP who's fiance has an addict son and tell her to be happy she didn't marry the man. He's not going to change and she'll be miserable.