I never thought I'd be here again
So...here I am once again with SS24 BACK living in my basement. I think I started posting here when he was 18.
I met dh in 2008 when SS23 was 16..just an ordinary high school student, but soon he started smoking cigarettes..drinking shortly after that, then drugs. Long story short, for the last 6 years, I've seen dh totally enable his son...buying him groceries when he couldn't make ends meet on his income from dead-end jobs giving him rides to work when the bus didn't run, etc...
Three years ago, he went to rehab, lived in a safe house then transitioned into an apartment. He relapsed and went back to rehab. Dh and I had had many talks, fights about his son who almost ruined our 3 year marriage when he had lived with us twice before. Dh and I agreed that none of our adult children would live with us UNLESS they were going to school or saving for a house or some really good reason. So, all was peaceful.
Last March, SS24 ended up back in rehab and dh had told me he couldn't get into the safe house for a couple months but would have his son call every Monday to see if he could get in sooner. Dh was out of town on business one Monday and I asked SS24 if he had called. He looked at me like I was crazy. Long story short, dh told his son he could live with us indefinitely and not go to he safe house as dh felt his son had a better chance of staying clean if he lived with us. I was livid. Dh just told me what I wanted to hear. Anyway, SS24 spent 4 months attending AA meetings and staying clean. Dh and I allowed him to get his license back after 5 years of not having one do to a DUI and totalling the car dh had given him in high school. We bought him a very used car just so he could get a job abd maybe take a trade program. He did both. My hope was at an all-time high until October. He relapsed, dropped out of school and decided to just get a job at a factory making a whopping $12/hr. I was so hurt and angry. After all we'd done for him! It was like a total slap in the face. I could barely look at him. He quit using again immediately knowing he wouldn't have a roof over his head if he didn't. We allowed him to stay but I'm NOT happy about it AT ALL. I layed into him one night when dh was gone letting how I felt out. A week later, dh ripped into ME about how I had spoken to his son. Seriously?? It is MY house and I should be able to speak to whoever lives in my house however I want.
I have now totally disengaged, but it is extremely difficult having him living in our basement. When I see his car when I come home from work, I cringe. All I want is for this person to be out of my house and not be so dependent on his father. It is so abnormal for a 24 year old to be as dependent as he is on his father and dh sees it as "helping". Now, SS24 and I just avoid each other as much as possible...we don't speak and he totally "gets it" that I want him out of my house. Unfortunately, I have never had a say when it comes to SS24 and I know dh will let him stay as long as he stays clean yet by only working low paying jobs, I feel he will always turn to dh when he runs short and my fear is that dh will let him stay by far longer than I want.
I had disengaged 3 years ago and dh did what he felt he had to do for his son, but he wasn't living with us. We were happy empty nesters and his son was not discussed. Now, we don't discuss him, but I have to endure living with someone I'd rather not. And, he's here all the time except when he's at work. He has no friends and no life. He does attend meetings but has made no friends there. I just want him to movevout and get his own life! I have 4 grown daughters who all went to college and have jobs and lives of their own. This kid is just not normal and is a burden. Ugh
I just needed to vent since I can't to dh. I would love to tell his kid to grow up and be a man!! But, I stay silent knowing that this man-child would just boohoo to his father as he did last time and then I'm he one who gets yelled at. If I say anything negative about his kid, we just end up fighting, so I stay silent and just pray for the day his son moves out.
Thanks for listening...
Exactly. If it's not too
Exactly. If it's not too personal, what's this man's drug of choice?
I don't have an answer for
I don't have an answer for you. I just know that if my husband yelled at me for how I spoke with the kids, it would not go very well for him. I love my husband and his children, but I do not always like them. There is one that we are struggling with. I am blessed in that my husband is very supportive of me and all of the decisions I make regarding his children. I wonder, what do you think would happen if you asked your husband to put a time limit on how long he could stay there? Or if you both asked SS24 how long he plans to be staying with you? Would DH be willing to put some stipulations on his staying with you (he would have to enforce them, of course). Maybe there could be consequences for not following these. Maybe SS24 come up with the consequences, if he comes up with them, he has no reason to complain once they are enforced--they were his idea. Of course, none of this will do any good if DH isn't willing to participate. Hang in there, friend.
Fortunately for me my DH had
Fortunately for me my DH had already evicted SS30 before I met him.
SS30 is an alcoholic with rage issues. DH evicted him with a police escort several years before I met DH. DH said that SS could NEVER live with him again. Thank goodness.
DH has NEVER expected that SS could live with us - even if he was homeless and out on the streets. But DH does love SS and so wants to believe that he is doing better - now that he has a better woman to mooch off of.
I will NEVER subsidize SS30's lifestyle. If he manages to stay with his current GF (who makes over $50,000 a year with benefits) that's good. But I don't give a you know what if she decides to dump himl
SS is basically meaningless in my life.
i am so afraid of this
i am so afraid of this happening to me. osd is a loser and always having life crisis where she goes running to daaadddeeee: losing a job, getting dumped by a boyfriend, binge drinking and needing a ride home at 3 am and etc.
i can see sd losing her job again and her coming back to roost. dh has not balls to get her to grow up.
vent away lady - vent
vent away lady - vent away.... but in your shoes, I would've vented towards DH and if the house belonged to me as well... kick SS out.... tough love is the best and if DH did not like it he would've been on the streets with his man child.
Nothing that calling a lock
Nothing that calling a lock smith and rekeying the locks won't fix. Make the call. NOW! Your house, you decide who lives there. DH gets a key only if he gets on board that SS will no longer leech off of the two of you.
Good luck.
Everything that Gimmie
Everything that Gimmie said.
I understand your husband wanting to help his son BUT giving him a blank check, so to speak, is not helping him. Not giving him a move out date or anything to be accountable for or work towards, is keeping him from growing up and he will be 40 and living in the basement.
Your husband definitely needs to get informed on how to handle addicts and actually help, not hinder, his son.
He also needs to learn how to deal with his own feelings about it, instead of taking it out on you. If he's mad at his son for being a loser, he needs to learn how to deal with that. If he's mad at himself because he feels responsible, he needs to learn how to deal with that. Don't put up with this disrespect, you have every right to speak your mind about what goes on in your home.
While he's at it, maybe some marriage counseling so he can understand how a marriage/partnership works.
Dadsnewwife. If DH told SD
Dadsnewwife. If DH told SD she could move into MY house without discussing it with me BEFORE he made the offer, I would be seriously thinking about letting him find a place where they both could live together. DH is seriously enabling his son, and you are paying the price for it. Possibly getting in touch with an alanon (sp?) group or getting counselling on your own would help. It is obvious you do not think enough of yourself to insist on respect from both of them. Good luck.
You're living my former life.
You're living my former life.
SS was in college, dropped out, lived with us, back in college, dropped out, lived with us. Worked, quit, worked, got fired, worked, quit. DH was shocked when SS admitted he is an addict. So, rehab. Then back with us against the advice of the rehab folks. Relapse. NOT back with us, or at least not the "me" part of "us."
DH WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM. Gave SS money we didn't have, bought him a car, no responsibility, and DH was convinced that he was "helping" SS.
SS then moved in with his sister, who was smart enough to kick his ass out when she found drugs in her house. Know what DH did? Paid for two nights in a hotel for SS so he could figure something out. With no sign of leaving the hotel ($100+/night, free movies, free breakfast) because this or that fell through, DH again had to make a choice between going into bankruptcy for SS or living with me. Fortunately he chose me. Funny coincidence, the very day that DH stopped paying for the hotel, SS figured out a living arrangement and got back into rehab.
SS has been clean two years and has been working most of that time. Not great jobs, but working. DH has been in therapy for two years and he has, gasp, come to realize that he is the biggest enabler on the planet. I don't dislike my SS. Addiction is a terrible thing, and I hope SS continues on his sober path.
Bet your DH is part of the problem too, and the last place your SS needs to be is living with him. The manchild needs a chance to actually grow up and be a man.
Thank you all foryour support
Thank you all foryour support and advice. I totally agree that dh is a big part of the problem and we have had more fights about it that I CA count.
I just spoke to dh (who is out of town on business) this week. He told me SS24 got fired from a manufac6job he's only had 3 weeks. He simply wasn't "cutting it"; He was working full time at Target after he dropped out of a trade program he was in, but knew it wouldn't sustain him in the long run. Dh just thinks he's inept and "as dumb as a box of rocks" (barely graduated high school) which I agree with. Dh seems ok with him living with us as long as he's trying. He talks to him about needing training in something in order to eget ahead, but he's not listening. I did just make a quick comment to dh about it "taking a long time" and he knew what I meant but didn't say anything. SS24 has lived with us almost a year and, for me, that's enough. But, dh wants his son able to stand on his own before he moves out, but my patience is wearing thin. Personally, I do feel our home probably is the safest place for him as he does seem to be staying sober and clean as long as he lives here, however, I feel like dh is babysitting him and as soon as he moves out, he'll go right back to using. I feel like dh is just prolonging the inevitable.
Dh told me before we married that if I ever made him choose between him and his son (whom he has raised alone since he was 4 years old) that I would lose. I just didn’t think he would still be an issue at 24. Luckily, dh DID tell his son that this would be THE LAST time he would help him. Once he does move out after this time, he won't be coming back. Getting him o his feet is taking by far longer than I had anticipated due to his immaturity and lack of intelligence. I've given up saying anything as it just makes dh angry, so I remain disengaged. SS24 simply co-exist and do not speak to each other. My hope is that he will feel uncomfortable enough to move out sooner rather than later.
"Dh told me before we married
"Dh told me before we married that if I ever made him choose between him and his son (whom he has raised alone since he was 4 years old) that I would lose." That would be the 'deal breaker' for me. Your DH is more committed to SS than his marriage. I agree with many of the other posters - both you and DH need to create rules while SS is in your house. Let him earn his keep. Give him jobs he has to do around the house. SS should know that the length of his stay at your house depends on his performance.
By the way, Merry...you have
By the way, Merry...you have no idea how many times I wish I could scream at SS24 to GROW UP AND BE A MAN!!! But, he'd just boohoo to his father again. Ugh Dh said that when someone does drugs for a long time, they actually go backwards in maturity and, once sober, are actually like the age they were when they started using which would put SS24 at age 17. I seriously did not sign up for years of this.
Also, 3 years ago after a stint in rehab, SS24 did go directly to a safe house and then transitioned into an apartment while waiting tables. 2 years later, he ended up back in rehab which I think is what made dh feel our home was a better place for him. It may be, but I just hate watching dh be his "keeper" and babysit him. It's nauseating.
It's not that they
It's not that they necessarily go backwards, they don't grow emotionally while they are on drugs, so yes, when they quit they are only as emotionally mature as when they started.
Which is why your DH needs to start expecting more out of his son and making him accountable. He needs to give him rules and timelines and make him stick to them. He is going to have to force him to grow up. Otherwise, your SS will be quite happy to continue "trying" (but never quite getting there), while living with Daddy (and making you crazy).
You need to tell SS to get a
You need to tell SS to get a sponsor in his meeting and to use that sponsor and get to work on becoming all he can be! Without this type of support his chances of becoming a real man is pretty much moot. Your DH is enabling the immaturity of his son and doing his son no favors. Your husband is treating his son like a rescue dog and keeping him dependent.
Furthermore, you don't need your husbands permission to do this. Just do it!
Your SS needs to hear clearly that this is where the rubber meets the road
Good point. Is SS going to
Good point. Is SS going to his meetings? That is one thing my SS is super good about, and he seems to be a good sponsor for others.
If he isn't going to meetings, he probably isn't that serious about making life changes. I know those meetings aren't for everyone, but even if he isn't doing AA, what IS he doing to help him stay sober? Addiction is way bigger than any individual and your SS can't stay sober alone--that isn't a moral failing on his part either. It's the nature of addiction.
Update: Last Friday SS24
Update:
Last Friday SS24 never came home, but I just assumed he was at SS33's house for the night. On Saturday, I did mention something about it to dh and he said, "SS24 doesn't live here anymore." Apparently, he's been taking over-the-counter pills of some kind, so dh must have kicked him out. I have no more details as dh didn't want to talk about it and neither did I. I just numbly spent all Sunday afternoon cleaning the basement and putting his belongings in bags. I did overhear dh on the phone with SS33 last night and it sounds like SS24 is now at his brother's which is not good news. SS33 suffered PTSD for 5 years and ruined HIS life abusing drugs and alcohol. Fortunately, he finally admitted to needing help and with the help of the VA, he has now been clean and sober for 4 years.
I only hope SS33 kicks him out as well as he has a 9 year old son he has visitation of. He does not need to be around someone like SS24. Anyway, I heard dh tell SS33 that he was NOT picking up the pieces anymore. He only let SS24 come back last year because he said he saw during his visits to his son that he finally seemed serious about his sobriety. He spent the first 4 months at our house going to meetings and visiting with his sponsor, then he was busy going to school and working. Once he quit school and changed jobs, it all fell apart.
Someone said dh needs to let his son hit rock bottom. We thought when SS24 was 18 that he had. He got kicked out of rehab for using on the inside and when he called dh to come get him (which was the same day we got married at the courthouse), dh refused, so SS24 was homeless. He called dh a week later and begged him to come get him and dh got him into another treatment facility. So, what IS rock bottom if homelessness isn't it??
Dh did attend meetings years ago for parents of drug addicts when his oldest son was using, so never felt he needed to...that he knew it all.
I àm glad he no longer lives with us, but am sad that it ended this way and am most of all sad for dh who only has one son out of 3 who will have a normal life.
I like your DH, he tried and
I like your DH, he tried and tried and nothing worked, now he's doing tough love... this is good news.
Hopefully SS24 will get straighten out this time, but don't hold your breath and pray DH keep his word and not cave again
This is only my opinion.
This is only my opinion. Rock bottom is when it gets to the point that the individual steps up and starts taking responsibility for their situation and begins a life long effort to help themselves.
It differs for each individual would be my guess.
Everybody's rock bottom is
Everybody's rock bottom is different. So sad, but there's nothing you or your DH can do right now. SS has to figure it out for himself.
Yes because it is only a
Yes because it is only a matter of time before his brother gets tired of him too and then it's back to good ol' dad for *one more chance.*
Good job for your DH. It is
Good job for your DH. It is the most difficult thing he will do in his life, tough love. My DH has totally disengaged from YSS53. It is sad to watch, but I stay quiet and don't ask.
Now he needs your support, in silence of course.
Good job!
Silence does work best, but
Silence does work best, but if he EVER let's his son live with us again, I will be moving out. I'm off this merry-go-round of addiction. DONE
Yes, silence does work best
Yes, silence does work best in most cases, but please do not be silent if DH even hints at SS returning to your home. You do not owe it to either one of them to put up with the type of abuse they have put you through. Hope you start a private 'disaster relief fund' just in case.