Hopeless
Just need to vent...
So...Dh is gone for a couple days and I'm home alone with the addict SS23. I basically ignore him, but he's too stupid to "get" that I am not interested in engaging in any kind of conversation with him. Anyway, I've been better at keeping my mouth shut, but I did ask him last night if he'd called the halfway house to see when he could move in. Dh had told me he'd make sure SS23 did this every Monday. SS23 looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about. I told him what his father had told me and he said, "I'm getting some things figured out. Gonna get my license back, get a job, and find somewhere around here to live." I almost choked. I could have gone off on him telling him all the same things I've told him in the past...that he should join the military and get out of this town or take a trade program and better himself. But, I saved my breath. He really doesn't have a clue and never will. It's going to be more of the same...low paying jobs, dh helping him out for the rest of his life. He truly is not mentally all "there". I said even before he went to rehab again that it was just another go-around on the merry-go-round. Poor dh. He's all hopeful, I think, because he can't bear the thought of yet another son being hopeless. SS34 (dh's oldest) is and is on government disability for mental illness and is a hopeless alcoholic and drug abuser. I see the writing on the wall already. This son isn't going to make it either. I looked at him talking last night and knew whatever I said to him would make no difference.
At the very least, one would think SS23 would "get it" that I don't want him in our home, but I think he doesn't even "get" THAT! No matter. I WILL be talking to dh when he gets home and find out why he lied to me about the halfway house and remind him of our agreement that no adult child of ours would live with us without a deadline. Again, my fear is that as long as SS23 stays sober, dh won't want him to move out for fear of him going back to drinking and doing drugs again. It does seem he does better when he lives with us, but I am not going to let him live here. He's just money going out the door. If he moves into another apartment, dh will yet again have to co-sign a lease as he did last time, pay the deposit, buy his son a cheap car, and, as far as I'm concerned, it will all be for naught. He's a lost cause. Just looking at him and experiencing all I have with him the last 5 years...
It was so nice when he wasn't here and I was happily disengaged. How does one disengage from someone who lives in your home and disrupts your privacy and peaceful life? All I want is for him to go away, grow up and quit being a burden on us. 
It's time you take charge;
It's time you take charge; doesn't seem like anyone else is going to do it. Stay civil and simply tell him to move out and if DH doesn't like it move him out too.
This works, ask me!
I had all the locks re-keyed,
I had all the locks re-keyed, when I moved DH out to SD's house; it is less expensive then new locks and takes about 1 hour.
Seriously, you need to take some action here and stand your ground.
As good as that all sounds, I
As good as that all sounds, I don't think it's come to that. As another poster mentioned...I, too, love my home and don't want to leave or see my marriage destroyed. Dh makes a lot more than I do which affords me a life I wouldn't have without him which I know sounds bad, but it is what it is. I work full-time, but make little.
When dh called last night, I did mention to him SS23's and my conversation from Monday night and of course it wasn't pretty and I hung up on him. He told me before we ever married that if it came down to having to make a choice between him and his son, I'd lose. I knew that going in, but I thought the substance abuse was a young teen's rebelliousness and he'd outgrow it. How nieve I was!
Long story short, I told dh I felt he had lied to me about the halfway house and he denied doing so, but did say that he told SS23 he could stay as long as he wanted to while he got his life together...meaning no end date. No...this does in no way make me happy, but I'm ok with it if it means SS23 stays sober and gets a "life". Of course I want him to have a happy, successful life. The bigger issue is that dh didn't discuss the length of his stay with me...just plowed ahead and told his son something different than he told me! When it comes to kids, apparently stepparents have no say, yet I have to live with him, like it or not. And, I don't. I very much enjoyed our privacy and our quiet life alone with our cat and am not at all happy he's back...especially for the reason he is.
Feeling very much like I don't matter right now...
Thanks for listening...
Well. this is a new kettle of
Well. this is a new kettle of fish then isn't it.
Your DH has clearly told you where you stand. He was deceitful and doesn't care what you think. You come 2nd or last however you want to look at it. Is a house and lifestyle really worth your self-worth? You do realize he may have to pay spousal support if you divorce if your income level is that much lower, plus you are entitled to half the assets.
I think you could make yourself a very nice life without the baggage and stress of DH and his man-baby.
20Years...I agree, but we
20Years...I agree, but we have only been married 5 years. I was awarded spousal support in my first divorce (after 25 years), but the ex-weasel managed to get fired, married the OW and hasn't worked in 9 years. There went my support. I highly doubt I'd get any after only being married 5 years.
Believe me, I KNOW my life would be way more peaceful without the man-baby. I WISH dh could ship him off to his mother, but she's not been a part of the picture since SS23 was 4 years old.
Oh, well. I'll just hang in there, hope SS23 actually DOES get his act together and then move out. I do know dh won't allow him to live with us forever. We both like our privacy, but he just has this overwhelming sense of obligation to help his son at ONLY 23 years old. It took his second son til age 29 to figure it out. Seriously...what is WRONG with this younger generation that they have no problem living off their parents and continue living at home? In our generation, we couldn't WAIT to get out of our parents' houses and be on our own! I don't get it.