Week
Wedding week for Stepkid #3. Another event where I will get the silent treatment and DH will think everything went well. Here's my better state of mind: In the past several years I have learned to distance and watch them behave as if I am watching a play that I am not in. At the end of the weekend it will be over and i will resume my life where I put my goodness towards others who value my presence in their lives. It is a lonely journey but I know there are others out there who "get" what I am faced with and I know I have the capacity to heal.
- Kinder1's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I just mosey on up to the bar
I just mosey on up to the bar and make new friends
Excellent suggestions from
Excellent suggestions from both Totalybogus and StepAside.
If you go, distance yourself some more and head for the bar. Or the gardens. Or the fascinating pictures on the wall. Download a game to your phone (Solitaire games on mine), find a corner, and play. If you're asked bride or groom, just say you're the date of one of the wedding party.
Forego watching the play and do something you enjoy. Either with a friend or solo.
When MSD got married I took
When MSD got married I took my sister as my "date" dh was busy being part of wedding and was sitting in the family section. Sister and me just sat back and watched the drama. It was great!
Thank you for your support
Thank you for your support and perspectives. My DH would be devastated if I stayed home and given how hard he has tried to make things better, I cannot do that to him. I will get through one day for his benefit. There are going to be some nice people including my sister who know my situation and that is comforting. The good news is when the SKids get married they tend to be less involved in our lives because they have their own adult situations to deal with--sad but true. I am wondering why many comments on this site do not acknowledge the fact that we are in a role that from the start is perceived a negative, a target, a scapegoat for the Skids parents failings....the earlier I realized that, the better off I think I would have been.
Make sure you look your best,
Make sure you look your best, are socially on point, and wow with your charming personality.
My late mother told me the story of going to my stepsister's wedding when I was just a baby. Mom's skids resented her (she was 30 years younger than dad and a knockout). She knew she'd be marginalized, so she bought a chic dress, a huuge hat to match, wore Cadillac Red lipstick, and rocked her bad self. Even in the formal wedding photos, where they placed her in the back row, she glowed. }:) }:)
You misunderstand. Mom was in
You misunderstand. Mom was in her thirties, dad in his sixties, stepsister in her twenties.
Happy girls always outshine
Happy girls always outshine nasty ones
Not that hard - Helen Mirren
Not that hard - Helen Mirren looks 100x better than many women I see who are 30 years younger.
No it's not. I am of that
No it's not. I am of that age as are many of my friends. The ones of us who are not obese, who have good skin and do not have a horrid personality that overshadows all really do look great. I was at a famous restaurant in New Orleans with 7-8 of my friends when someone came up to us and asked "who are you all?" The group was so attractive that they thought we must be famous.
Now I am not claiming that I necessarily lived up to the group median - but this was a group of beautiful, well preserved, well turned out women "of a certain age". For several years (15 at least) I have helped the 50 year class at my undergrad college (so these women are 70+) gown up for their 50 year graduation. Many, many of them look terrific.
YOu bring up an interesting
YOu bring up an interesting point regarding my Skids good behavior as children which changed when they got older--were they just trying to be civil? Hmmm..we were very connected--I received lovely cards, they traveled with us on long vacations, we laughed late nights in hotels. I think once DH and I married it was a stark reminder that they would never see their parents get back together. Also, the BM is alone by choice and I know they feel guilt leaving her to be with us now that they are adults. In any case, it is what it is now--I am invisible to them. MY DH and I tried talking to them, giving them space, sending special things. Nothing will work and at 60 I am looking to surround myself with positive people. BTW they dispense with others as well--in-laws get marginalized, ridiculed; not nice people with lots of baggage. Still, they are children of divorce, yes but mean behavior as adults in inexcusable. Get some therapy and get over it. People go through alot worse. My DH has provided the best of everything for them. As for the wedding of course I was invited and you say I am not ignored?? Its another facade but I will continue to honor my DH who tried to work this out as well. By Saturday pm it will be over. Best of luck to my sisters who are suffering through similar situations. Stay connected to others, read, and pray...it can get better.
I appreciate you pushing this
I appreciate you pushing this point as I think you are trying to see if I am looking for trouble where there is none. Here is the usual pattern and answer to your question; they say hello and hug and never a word is said after that although they are social and speak with everyone else. They stay out of any area I am in. I am always the one to start a conversation and I am done with that. I agree with you that adult kids have their own lives and at functions they have friends, party, etc and aren't concerned with parents. However, this isn't just the social function behavior. Clearly, there is no attempt to connect with me (and as mentioned for years it was a close relationship) throughout the year. Now they call my husband when he is at work. When they stopped relating to me I almost had breakdown for several years over the loss. I tried everything as did my DH. Only made things worse. It's okay though. As mentioned, and in an effort to help others, I want everyone who is invisible to know there is healing--partly I came to understand they need a target for their pain (they have very big drinking issues), and clearly I'm not on their radar.There is avoidance for some reason nothing coming from me. I do wish them some recovery someday. I have other people in my life who value my presence which brings me the most joy.
Professional help is amazing
Professional help is amazing in these circumstances.Your responses are appreciated but a little simplistic--friendships fading??? I took these kids everywhere for years, gave them bday parties, shopped for school clothes,etc. It was like losing my own kids. Sure, they can disengage, I never said they had no right to but it hurts especially when it comes out of no where--no incidents, no apparant reason. It took counseling and it brought me to a healing place. Entitlement is not the issue. There was a grieving period because there had been a great closeness for many years, but I appreciate your feedback. I am trying to let others know that it's important to set boundaries in the beginning (easier to say than do) because when and if the SKids feeling change it can be very painful for the SM and DH. Change is the one thing we can count on.