Since you are new to the game, you get to set the rules. But decide early on because once BF gets used to one way, it will be hard later on to change it. You don't have to become friends with BM, but contact with her will happen regardless of what you try. Just remember that right now she hates you because you are the new one in his life, you are taking her place. She sees you as a threat and someone who will take her place in everyone's hearts, including her children. You will find that if there is great resentment between the two of you, it will become more difficult for you to be a step parent when the time comes. Have you thought about maybe initiating contact with her. Invite her to lunch to really introduce yourself and explain your intentions. Let her know that you are not trying to take her children away. But that you would like to have good communication with her in order to assure that the kids are happy and well adjusted. I promise you if you can have a good relationship with BM, it will save you a world of hurt in the future.

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
However, you do not have to seek out ANY kind of relationship with her either. DH's Bm and I have been in each other's presence on several very uncomfortable occassions and we treat each other as mere aquaintances, no conversations, just the obligitory Hello,or nod of the head.I personally prefer it this way as she and I have made it clear to each other that without the fact that the only commonalities we have are dh and ss, we would NEVER choose each other as friends! Bm is very aware, as I am with her that we will see each other at ss sports and school events, as I accommpany dh everywhere for ss as dh accompanies me everywhere for my children(we do this for each other and our combined children, no one else)However, we DO NOT sit with or near each other...major no-no for us. If she calls our home phone asking to speak to dh, I immediatly hand him the phone, that is HIS ex problem, not mine..further, dh stands his ground quite well, so there is rarely a time I feel like I must become involved, and if that rare occassion arises, DH and I discuss it, and agian he Handles HER. What makes this work for us is my DH puts me first and makes bm very very aware of this fact.Also he refuses to speak to her unless I am present,as in the past bm constantly lied,( she still does this)trying to make out like dh wanted her back..because of this, he refuses to allow her even one little opprotunity to do this agian(very often he tells bm on the phone, go ahead and say what you want, my wife is sitting right here, do you want to tell her that lie right now?) It is so funny because she gets pissed and tells him that I have no right to be a part of THEIR conversations over the phone or in person! Dh tells her that I am his wife, and as his wife, what ever is his business is my business, so she better get used to it! I have NO respect for this woman, but out of the love I have for dh and ss I show the obligitory kindness in person and never say anything about her when ss is in our home. Nor am I respectful of her position as bm, because a bm who loves her children would not do the things this woman has done..All of my respect belongs to my dh and ss and everything I do, including tolerating the bm is for them.

I see Bm at ss's events. I don't go out of my way to talk to her. I don't sit by her but we can be at the same event without a problem. I also don't talk to her on the phone. I let Dh or ss talk to her. I would say that I am only civil to her. She has and still does say very bad things about me. Whatever is wrong she thinks it's my fault. I don't want to be friends with the kind of person she is. I would say that I try to avoid her if possible but I deal with her for ss's sake.

So yes, it's your choice. In my case if I had to deal with Bm it would make me upset. So I try not too.

Dawn

not necessary but it depends. you said she already made an enemy out of you, the challenge now is how long can you stay silent. she'll be irritating you, talk lies about you... i too was in the same position when i was dating my husband before, ex never met me but accused me of hitting her son on the head, son was 3 yrs old at that time, of course it was not true, what 3 yr old would say something like that. she wanted to meet me and i didn't. today, we hate each other, she acts all nice in person but deep inside she hates my guts, for no reason, i have done nothing to her. she's very jeoulous, but why i wonder...she was the one who left my husband. she has turned her son against me. goodluck to you and believe me, it's a separate life altogether to deal with. if i had to do it again, i would have avoided being with a divorced man with a child.

-happy mom

For whatever reason BM, sees ME as the BAD PERSON IN HER LIFE, I guess because she is no longer able to LIE and get away with it. So because I happen to call a spade a spade then I must be just EVIL!!!!!!!!! I see her at events and I don't even say F U, I refuse to be fake. I am NOT there for her, but because the KIDS have asked me, They have let the words roll off of their tongues STEP MOMMIE please come to such and such, I am NOT there to see her UGLY PERSONALITY, I am not there BC I am soooooooooo afraid of my hubby being around her, I am only there because I have been asked, and because the kids are teenagers and preteens their is NO reason why I need to go through her to say HI to them. They see us and they eventually come over to us and speak. As far as I am concerned she is DEAD. YES very very angry words, but until you have walked in my shoes......and you know the rest. So I have no reason at all to be friends, cordial, or even just nod my head at her. Just as i would any of the other 200-300 parents at the evnts. I don't go around saying HI and BYE to all of them,of course I have those that I do, because we are FRIENDS, and she is just that to me, just another parent amongst the crowd. No need to say HI.

The Green Eyed Monster!!!! AKA JEALOUSY!!!!!
Jealousy - "the green eyed monster" - is not one basic emotion, but a compound of many-grief, love, anger, greed, hatred and envy.

until I answered his cell phone one afternoon. I was nice and asked her to hold on for a min (DH was in the bathroom and thought it would be work calling and asked me to answer) Other than that we have never really talked to one another. She has hated me from day one and has called me every name in the book and she doesn't know me at all. But I don't dwell on it if she has nothing better to do than talk bad about me then that is her lose. I personally have a husband 2 bs and a sd to worry about and have fun with. Don't let his ex run you away if you truely want to be with him.

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
But to just relate the reality of dealing with these imbittered BM's. I have a wonderful life and marraige with my DH. But we did go into this straight up agreeing on the placement of boundaries in concern with his and my ex, as well as agreeing on our combined children and the love and discipline WE would give to them all.The most important issue we agreed upon was that WE WOULD COME FIRST with each other no matter what the issue or who was involved( and of course, our children come next.)DH's bm and my ex have NO authority over my husband,me, our home or how we raise our children while in our home. We will not stand for the name calling of each other by our ex's, we defend each other with everything we have inside or we just plain cut the ex's off...refuse communication except by certified mail(Which we have done on numerous occassions).We will not allow our ex's to try and make us invisible, we are married, where he goes for the kids I go, and where I go he goes. There are tried and true ways to make these relationships work, but you must find out where your b.f's priorities lie. For dh and I, there is no such thing as a WORKING relationship with our ex's, any kind of relationship we shared with them in our past lives is done and over with. We communicate directly with the ex's only in emergencies concerning the children,we communicate directly with children ONLY, and if the ex's attempt to get on phone or such( we will respectfully listen and exchange in conversations concerning the children but at the first sign the convo is becoming hateful or to personal, we hang up on them.We have NO desire to have any kind of relationship with our ex's, and dont believe it is necessary for the children(as the only relationship's that are necessary is the one the children have with all of their parents) Our children can grow up seeing what a healthy, loving and trusting relationship is about in our home,learn what responsibilities are, what boundaries are, what praise is, what healthy dicipline is and why it is required. They will learn in our home that we care about everything that goes on in their lives,and that we as parents will always be there for them in their success and failures. Most importantly our children will learn respect..for themselves and other's(as we do not tolerate any disrespect from our children towards each other or to us as parents) What they see in the ex's enviroment's is the ex's business. If what the ex's do or say in their homes hurts our children, we reassure our children with love, listening, understanding and the best advice we can give to them without demeaning the ex's.Further we do all we can to correct any damage that the ex's inflict upon them emotionally(thankfully we dont have to worry about physical abuse). The most important thing we have stressed to our children is we will not interrogate them and if our ex's do, they have every right to say to them that they do not want to be involved,or a simple " I dont know, go ask Dad/Mom".They have done this so often over the past three years that I believe them to be strong in themselves now, and the ex's see it too. These relationships CAN work but you and b.f have to always place each other's opinions/needs first, consulting each other always! The day will come that all our children will be grown( and if we do our jobs right, no matter what scars our children have, the happiness, structure and love we give them will overshadow them) and it will be just the two of you..that is why you both should discuss up front how the ex will be handled, in regards to her hatefilled words and actions towards you or him, her attempts at interference in yours and his and the childrens relationships, how the children will be corrected/punished, finances, in-law relationships ect. ect. Leave no stone unturned, get all the facts upfront and most importantly, if you intend on pursuing this relationship, make sure you both agree that you will always put each other first. Just my opinion.

It is often said that if two people are in love, they can get through anything. While I do believe this, my question would be--do you want to simply "get through" life, or do you want to try and create the best possible situation for yourself? S.Graham is right...the couple absolutely MUST be first priority, hands down. But it's very hard to find this...and in your case, it seems like there are already some issues with BF not wanting to change things to make you feel better, which is a BIG red flag. EX and I fell in love very quickly...our early relationship was a whirlwind of happiness and satisfaction. Unfortunately, BB started in with her games almost immediately and we did not have the foundation in our relationship to withstand everything that she threw at us. Had we stayed together longer, maybe tried therapy, could it have worked? Possibly. But I was tired of being miserable, playing second fiddle to a child ALL THE TIME, and dealing with a crazy woman whose mission in life is to make EX's existance a misery. My EX was NOT one that believed that we should be first--in fact, he told me several times that he would always love his son first and foremost and that I would always be second.

Why would I stay in a situation where every day I am on the defensive because I HAVE to be on the defensive? When I am going nuts dodging bullest by myself, for someone who has already put me on the backburner of his life? That is something that many of these men/women don't get--they accept that the crazy ex is crazy because s/he is a part of their lives, like it or not, and they cannot get away. They have to learn to deal, and sometimes that means lying down for the ex. But the new spouse doesn't. At any time, that person can decide that enough is enough. Maybe that only goes for those who are not as committed as they should be, but I admit that one foot was always out the door for me. I always had this voice nagging at me to RUN from this crazy situation and at times I took it out on EX that he put me in it. While I wanted him to stand up, fight her, be outraged, defend me and our life together, he just wanted to lie low and let the storms pass. That was just his way. Looking back, he says now that he knew I was unhappy and that he never believe I would stay, so he did what he thought would make BB happy first and foremost because she will always be around. It's messed up, but...in a way, it does make sense.

As far as having contact with the BM--it between you and her. If you want to reach out, good for you, but beware. She may throw your maturity back in your face somehow, or try and take advantage of the situation. If you choose not to, that's fine too. In the 2 years that EX and I were married, my interaction with BB was minimal. The occasional "hello" was really it. I did try and reach out to her in the beginning only to get a nasty, hateful, totally inappropriate response. So...you never know. Honestly, I believe that for the kids' sake, ALL of the adults need to act like adults and be civil, keeping the communication lines open. It's NOT a war. BB once called me a "worthy adversary" because of an email that I sent her (I too was kind of the "brains" behing the operation and she knew that with me around, her manipulation and bullshit would not go over)--to her, it was Us vs. Them. Sad, really, that grown people act this way.

Good luck (if you are still awake after my million-page essay!)

Krissy

Welcome to the game of step-parenthood.

It is inevitable … but do it for the step kids! And yes, by all means be cordial. You don’t have to be her friend, but say “hi” when it’s appropriate, or smile and wave. If she doesn’t respond, she will be the one who looks like a bitter ol bitch.

You and BF definitely need to sit down and discuss your role as SM. What are your boundaries, his expectations … are you the same as the mom in terms of respect and discipline (you should be). Then BF needs to talk to kids too and tell them what his expectations are of you. Also, set boundaries for your involvement with BM. Some of us do all the communication, others of us stay completely out of it. No matter what if there is an issue with kids, you and DH need to discuss before he talks to BM … it affects your life too.

If she doesn’t want to participate in sporting events and children’s functions because you are there it’s her loss. Personally, I wouldn’t miss out on a minute of that stuff if I had to. Don’t worry about what she thinks of you. No matter how you slice the cake she is going to be jealous of you … you have her Ex, you get to love her kids, and you are happy. BM in our situation cheated on DH with his best friend, she asked for divorce, and she’s the bitter one. Why? Because DH traded up BIG TIME and because we are happy, and SS loves me to death. I too am her enemy and everything is my fault. The first time I met her (DH and her were still going through divorce) the first question she had for me is “what are your intentions with my husband.” I was so proud of the control I exerted … I wanted to pounce … but I didn’t. We had already talked about getting married (quick courting period) and I just said “I don’t plan on going anywhere.” So we are all the enemy … we just find ways to deal with BM’s bitchiness.

DH said it perfectly to me one day … you have to take care of you (couple) first … if couple isn’t happy how are they going to take care of child and make child happy? So, when it’s just me and DH … I do come first. When SS is here we BOTH put him first, but make sure that we make time for each other …

I wouldn’t be too upset about the airline ticket issue, but I would say something to BF like … if you can’t share every part of your life with me, then how are we going to handle things in the future. If we get married, I will be in the middle of your “complicated situation” and it isn’t fair to me for you to keep me out of the loop.

You guys just need to make time to talk about everything, work out the kinks, and set the ground rules. Maybe a short weekend trip, somewhere in between, romantic so you get some love time, and talk about things …

Good luck, and welcome to the game … it’s not easy, but the love you get from Skids is very rewarding.

~ Katrina

I don't have contact with BM. I am nice to her when I see her picking up or dropping off SD, but as far as sitting next to her at events or talking to her on the phone....NOT!! I don't talk to her at all. Just knowing what she has done to her daughter and what she did to DH, I think if I talked to her it would all come out and not be a pretty sight. DH does all of the talking to her as far as picking up or dropping off or plans. You don't have to talk to BM if you don't feel comfortable.

You don't HAVE to have ANY contact with her, if you choose not to. You didn't get her pregnant, you are not 1/2 responsible for the raising of her children and you aren't required to pay her a cent for CS or anything else. Whatever contact you have with her, however much or however little, is totally YOUR call and no one else's. There's probably going to be interaction and as long as it's civil and you're okay with it, that's great. But at the first sign of friction or hostility, I go into withdraw/detach/disengage mode and make my DH deal with her. That's HIS job, not mine. Do whatever feels comfortable to YOU, but don't think you are obligated to become a target for her barbs and arrows. You marry the man, not his ex-wife.

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

I like the "terrorist" comment.

but I don't talk to either BM. We don't make plans, that's up to DH and them. DH will first talk to me about it, speak to them and that's how it goes. Mostly, though, they- the BMs- speak to the answering machine.

When it comes to sport events, where BM is actually there, we still don't really talk to each other, and she will sit waaaayyyyy over on the other side. Doesn't bother me. I don't want to know either one of them, and I just smile, smile, smile...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...