In my case BM has always been batshit crazy and there is no way we'll get around it. My fiance just shrugs her off because he's learned to ignore her after 15 years, but I'm still working on that. She thought I was trying to hit her with my car the other day. If i was TRYING to hit her with my car I WOULD HAVE! It's not like there was an obstacle in the way! lkusgdfQ$@#$R!#$J#@$JFDL

I have two BMs to deal with. One is great the other is a pain in the ass.I believe she's a pain because she is afraid the karma train is heading her way.

She was SM to DF two oldest kids. During that time she was an evil bitch. She treated his kids like shit and gave the nice BM pure hell. She had a bad habit to bragging about DF marrying her and not the other one. :?

She gave DF hell for spending money on his other kids (Christmas/birthdays). She refused to work so he was using his money, not hers. In her sick mind, every dime he had should have been spent on her and their two kids. She tried to get him to decrease the amount of time he had the kids. She would give him hell if he tried to include them in day trips. Over night trips were out of the question.

Now that her kids are the SKs, she's afraid I will mistreat them like she mistreated the other two. That fear drives her craziness.

My XW is a classic toxic BM I have no doubt. Fortunately, I did not spawn with her. It is kind of hard to spawn with a fridgid ice queen. She was beautiful, charming, smart and engaging and even sexy when we were dating and engaged. My family absolutely adored her. Then on our wedding night the succubus excited its crysalis and the evil hellspawned demon was revealed. :jawdrop:

At her request to wait for marriage we had never consumated our relationship before we married. We had an active sex life which was amazing but did not have intercourse. She was not a virgin but had decided that she wanted to reset her sexual life and limit it to marriage. I was fine with that. I was in looooove. When we got to our wedding suite the night we married she went to the changing room in her dress. I was popping the champagne and looking forward to making love to my wife and having sex for the first time in nearly two years. (I was 23 she was 20). She came out of the changing room in a hole riddled nasty T-shirt and granny panties. I know she was in all of the bridal underpinnings when she went in to the bathroom. No big deal. I can adapt. We went to bed, I initiated romantically and tenderly, things progressed fine until just before we consummated and she absolutely went postal. Screaming, yelling, scratching, clawing, cussing, etc..... I was floored. It never got any better. We finally had sex on the last night of our 2week honeymoon and ended up over the 26 months we lived together having sex a total of 8 times.

Our divorce was final 30mos after we married. During the divorce she turned in to the bitch from hell typical BM type. Praise all that is Holy that we did not have children.

She is now on husband number 3 and has three children all out of wedlock. 2 by her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy that she met while I was putting her through nursing school and the third by her third husband. She had all of the kids before she married their respective fathers.

I happened to see she and her 2nd DH and their kids at a restaurant once. I was there for a business dinner. She looked like she had had a rough life and had been rode hard and put up wet for many years. Her kids had their heads down avoiding her eyes and she just shredded her husband for most of their dinner. She did not see me. It was sad. When we were dating, were engaged and on our wedding day she was a true beauty. Eventually even GrandPa/Daddy had enough. I have no doubt #3 is living his mistake just as I and #2 did.

In my experience a seemingly amazing, bright eyed, energetic, dynamic, beautiful and intelligent young woman can nearly instantly turn in to a raging banshee. I think it is about selling their dreams rather than sharing who they really are until it is too late for the victim. No one marries wanting to get divorced and once the men spawn with these hidden demons few want to admit their glaring mistakes until the demon leaves them with absolutely no choice.

Fortunately for me she gave the me the greatest gift imaginable. A divorce. I would not have left her. I still had on my rose colored glasses about not being divorced. I invested $thousands in marriage counseling though I knew in the core of my being that she and our marriage was a lost cause. I at least knew enough to not contest it when she told me she was divorcing me.

I definitely dodged a bullet on that one. Having to interface with that adulterous demon whore for the rest of my life and having to counter her toxic influence on my child(ren) would not be something I would not like very much. I feel for the three children she did have though. No kid should have to deal with the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool contributed by my XW.

I think the BMs go stark raving mad when their exes upgrade. It is actually us SMs and our obvious class that they do not possess which makes their exes more attractive. Then they go crazy knowing the ex is happy with a quality woman and they can never ever stand a chance of winning him back so they lose the plot and do whatever it takes for attention.
That's my take anyway.

Seriously, most of us have exes. Do we carry on like these dipshits. No, because we are over them.

^^^Agree

Not all BMs are crazy, evil bitches from hell...it just seems that way on here

There are actually quite a few BMs I know who are nice, normal people. (Some of the members here are also BMs and nothing like the crazy BMs they deal with!)

Something I have noticed is that a LOT of the crazy BMs are people who either "got pregnant by accident", were a one night stand, were women who announced their pregnancy as a way to force the man to marry her...these were not level headed people to begin with. They were women looking to trap these men and when the men leave their claws come out.

I asked this to a coworker yesterday...(who is married to BM's cousin- small world)

Our BM doesn't know the difference between truth and lies and this has been confirmed by her own family.

DH never married her, they were together about a year, then some stuff happened and he had enough. She is a compulsive liar, thief and all around pathetic bitch.
- lied about an abusive brother (doesn't even have a brother)
- lied about breast cancer ( MIL has had a double mastectomy)
- lied about kidney removal (had SD HYSTERICAL)
- stole paperwork and had subsidiary credit cards in DH's name maxxed out... and on and on..

Just after they broke up, she called DH to tell him the joyous news, knowing full well he would take her back. He did for 9 months, then kicked her out- she is simply too batshit.

She guilted him for so much money for so many years- rather than get a job and be responsible, she lived off family members for years. I came along 9yrs later and the crazy train REALLY took off. She has manipulated SD for her whole life and has made SD a loon too. BM takes zero responsibility for her life, and has cultivated this same sense of entitlement in SD. She thinks DH owes her EVERYTHING and that anything wrong in her life is directly related to Dadddddyyyyyyy.

I simply don't understand the selfishness that drives these BM's to ruin their kids at the expense of their own narcissism.

BM is now married to some jackass who has 3 kids with 3 other women, and 2 with our BM. 5 kids with 4 women and SD thinks this is normal adult behaviour.

This is from Huffington Post - Divorce website. It answers not so much the WHY but the HOW or What to Do questions. Unfortunately, i do not have the name of the author.

5 Tips for Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality

1. Minimize Contact
High-conflict personalities thrive off of battle. Their agenda, which is often subconscious, is to maintain your relationship by creating drama: bad-mouthing you to everyone under the sun and especially to your children, cyber-bullying, multiple, intrusive phone calls and any other way they can find to keep you from moving on with your life.

While your gut reaction might be to defend yourself, you cannot reason with a terrorist. Anything you say can and will be used against you. To mitigate the chaos caused by a high-conflict personality, you must keep communication to a minimum. Avoid face-to-face contact. Cultivate a "just the facts, ma'am" style of e-mail and text correspondence. When possible, arrange neutral places such as school for the drop-off and pick-up of children.

2. Keep Your Feelings to Yourself
High-conflict personalities are bullies. They like to "win" by making you angry or beating you down. Do not act on your feelings. If you yell, cry, plead, or otherwise tip your emotional hand, you will invite more attacks. Being stuck in the cross-hairs of a narcissist is traumatic, so by all means seek support through safe means: therapy, and online support groups for people with personality-disordered exes are two examples. But whatever you do, don't let a narcissist know how you really feel -- especially if you have a different point-of-view, which will always be interpreted as a threat.

3. Plan for the Worst
Do not listen to conventional wisdom that your ex will "move on" in time. Well-adjusted people move on; high-conflict personalities never quench their thirst for revenge and their desire to feel like "the good one." Anticipate being dragged into court for minor indiscretions, or worse, total fabrications.

Do not say or write anything that might make you look bad. Respond to even the most frivolous accusations with factual, non-defensive e-mails detailing what actually happened. Document everything; save hostile e-mails, take screen shots of abusive texts, note every violation of your court orders.

You never know if a narcissist will follow through on threats to sue you, so you must be prepared if they do.

4. Never Admit a Mistake
You can, and should be, accountable for your part in the end of the marriage. But be accountable in a safe environment: therapy, 12-step groups, or in the company of trusted family and friends.

Do not admit wrongdoing to your high-conflict ex, especially in writing. Apologizing will not create a more amicable relationship. A high-conflict ex will interpret your apology as proof that you are the mentally ill, incompetent, stupid person she says you are. Even admissions of minor mistakes can be twisted into admissions of heinous acts and spur a high-conflict ex to take you to court, or simply broadcast to everyone with whom they come in contact that you are a terrible person.

5. Stop Trying to Co-Parent
I have written before about the one-size-fits-all co-parenting model. Well-meaning, but misinformed therapists do targets of high-conflict personalities a huge disservice by advising them that they can, and should, co-parent. Certainly, an amicable co-parenting relationship is ideal for children. But attempts to co-parent with a narcissist or a borderline will keep you engaged in battle. You will forever be on the receiving end of intrusive, controlling, chaotic behaviors which will make you and your kids crazy.

Parallel parenting is the only paradigm that should be recommended to people with personality-disordered exes. This means that you give up the fantasy that you can have consistency between homes, or appear as a united front. The more high-conflict your ex is, the more you will need to separate yourself and your parenting. This may mean hosting separate birthday parties, scheduling separate parent-teacher conferences and not sharing what goes on in your house.

While you may feel that you are sending a terrible message to your children by limiting contact with their other parent, you are actually protecting them by minimizing the potential for conflict.

Targets of high-conflict personalities need to accept that it isn't wise to be "authentic" with their ex. Strategic, limited disclosures and iron-clad boundaries are essential tools in managing a high-conflict divorce. While it may seem paradoxical, true authenticity comes from holding on to one's sense of self while gracefully disengaging from a narcissist.

Therapists are trained to help clients become self-aware and authentic. For people who grew up in invalidating environments, where they learned to suppress their feelings and needs in order to be accepted, therapy can be life-altering.

Competent therapists who provide a corrective emotional experience can make it possible for people who never had a voice to find one. Once self-actualized, people generally find the quality of their lives improve: they find the right career, attract the right mate and extricate themselves from toxic relationships.

Unfortunately, this type of personal growth can be disastrous when divorcing a high-conflict personality. When working with a client who is married to, or separating from a narcissist, therapists need to invert the goal of traditional therapy. Instead of encouraging people to be authentic, they need to counsel people to be strategic. Expressing one's true feelings, admitting vulnerability, and apologizing for one's missteps can bury a person who is trying to dissolve a marriage with a narcissist -- especially when children are involved.

Why Don't More Therapists Understand How to Treat High-Conflict Divorce?

Graduate psychology programs teach future therapists how to facilitate a client's personal growth. Students learn what personality disorders look like, and how they develop. But there are no courses in graduate school that train psychology students how to help clients navigate high-conflict divorce.

When treating a client in individual therapy, a therapist doesn't have the benefit of observing the narcissistic spouse. Even in couples therapy, a therapist might be duped by the high-conflict personality, who often comes across as charming, while the more reasonable spouse, who has spent years being traumatized by crazy-making behavior, can look like the difficult one.

BM over here has always been crazy. DH was 16 and got her pregnant after like 3 months of dating. She had been living in a home for troubled teens before, and was currently in foster care bc her parents couldnt handle her. He married her bc that is what you do in the south, had another child at 18 to "save the marriage" bc bm is calmer while pregnant... a few months after the baby was born he filed for divorce and won residential custody of the kids. You can only imagine how bad she must be if a 21 year old male (thats how long the hearings lasted) got custody of two kids under 5. It has been a WILD ride...

I think SD6's BM is crazy because she is unhappy. However, she was crazy well before DH met her & will be crazy long after he stops talking to her when SD is 18.

She was just some chick DH was having sex with when he was away from his long term GF in college. She thought getting pregnant would make him dump gf & get with her. He did. It didn't work out. After emotionally and physically abusing DH (throwing hot frying grease at him -thank God it missed-, calling him 'little d*ck' in front of SD so much than when SD heard it she knew BM was talking about DH, vandalizing his car, having her brothers threaten him, etc) he ended it. So to get 'revenge' when things were going bad, she slept with his best friend & got pregnant by him with her second child.

She thought she had upgraded. BUT DH's 'ex best friend' (call him BD2) left her. Abandoned her after the child was born. Came back a few times to beat her up, literally domestic violence, but that's it. Now he is back in the picture, they tried to get back together, he dumped her moved out got his own place in the area. When BD2 first left her, she tried to get sympathy/love from DH. I think she realized how good of a man she lost and for nothing at all.

She is bitter now, because DH is happy. He finished school (she dropped out) & has a good career. He is a good dad. & he married me, & I am 4 years younger than her yet have a degree and make 5x what she does a year. She has also gotten really fat (300+ lbs), where DH has lost a lot of weight & gotten really fit & I have always been naturally thin. She looks a hot mess & I take pride in my appearance & look nice if I do say so myself. BM works dead end jobs and can barely provide for SD even with receiving CS.