I think they just use it to get thier way.

JMO of course.

SD now at 3 is about the same mentally as she was when i met her at one, so yeah maybe...but im sure this is not exactly the situation u meant

honestly, i can see it...but i think more has to do w the parents, BOTH parents and how they raise the kids and what they teach. in most cases.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

I do believe this could be true to some extent, but only if the parents handle the divorce poorly (many do though I guess.) My kids were only 2 and 5, and have matured in some ways past their current ages of 14 and 11- largely because they saw both sets of parents happy.

I never had a therapist tell me I stayed emotionally 12 til well into my 20's, but eventually I figured it out myself. Well not in every way. I was very bright and mature sounding, and hung around older kids and adults effortlessly- largely due to growing up with adults as peers in theatrical productions. But I was miserably lacking in self confidence, hid it very well. I always tried to escape my house and get away from the dysfunction (my brother was severely injured at 17, I was 12 at the time it happened, and then my mother and father cared for him at home all through my adolescence.) I had to have a boyfriend at all times to allow me to escape before I could drive myself. I married the wrong guy, had kids to try and fill myself up.

I remember after my divorce, my dad asking why I married my first H if I wasn't happy with him. I told him, "He took really good care of me in a way no man ever had before, I felt safe and stable for the first time in my life." And my dad responded, "I guess even your mom and I were never able to give you that either." I told him I knew they did the best they could in an impossibly bleak circumstance. I was impressed and proud of my dad for that realization. He is not a deep thinker, but somehow understood it.

I realized in my mid 20's that I had spent the past 12-15 years trying to find someone to take care of me. Because from 12 on no one had. I was on my own, raising myself essentially. And believe me, I wasn't emotionally mature enough to have my own best interests at heart at that age.

With the stability my first H gave me, I was finally able to feel safe enough to grow up all the way, to trust I could in fact take care of myself. Once that process happened, I changed a lot, really started to own who I was, and my first H couldn't handle it. It's not his fault. I really was not at all the same person he married, I became very interested in spirituality, and pursuing dreams that he couldn't understand. So I left.

I outgrew him.

Anyway, I could see a traumatic divorce having the same effect, if parents start ignoring their kids due to wanting to live their own lives - or make up for lost oats they want to sow. Or if parents are so traumatized they can't function as parents forcing the kids to parent themselves or the parents as well. I definitely could see that. But it doesn't have to be that way.

I think SD is stuck at 8 actually. That was the time her mom pulled out a knife in front of her with and made a suicidal gesture. Can't say that would be an easy experience to move on from. And a lot of her issues with not being able to self regulate remind me of stuff I went through teaching the boys ten years ago. Like how you don't keep asking for candy after someone's said no, or lying over little things you really wouldn't get into much trouble for if you told the truth. That kind of stuff.

Interesting topic!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

are we talking about guilt parenting or are we talking negligent parenting. both are destructive.
I had two alcoholic parents and like Zen I was never able to mature emotionally from a little girl. I did not learn till I was in my thirties (late bloomer) that I needed to love that little girl in order to let go.
SOOOOO if a child is coddled and taught or shown to be a baby then they will never grow up either.
good topic.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."