The neverending saga of being the other woman
On Sunday I looked after my boyfriends two twin girls for about 3.5hrs. We watched some TV, went outside to ride bikes, I helped them spell out a scavenger hunt list and then, when I started to make lunch, I told them to go outside and play (it was a beautiful sunny day). Suddenly my boyfriend walks in the door and his one daughter immediately starts whining about how she doesn't want to go outside to play. It's the daughter obsessed with watching TV I should add. Right away I interrupted her whining and told her that she was going outside to play until lunch was ready and that I'd call her in when it was done. She then leaves for 1 minute and comes back, whines again to her dad, and he lets her come inside. This made me frustrated. He now says that I should have explained WHY I wanted her to go play outside. That if I had of explained why, he wouldn't have said she could come inside. I'm thinking, why do I need an explanation. It's a beautiful day and there is no reason for them to be running around the house when they can be playing outside. He now tells me my communication skills are poor.
Today we picked up a new (to us) king size bed. Since we don't have anywhere to put it at the moment, it's being stored in the living room. On the way back to his house I said "make sure the kids don't bounce all over this". I knew they would get home from school tonight and be stoked to see a massive mattress to play on. It's an older coil bed and I don't want to ruin it. Right away he gets offended and asks me why I think his kids are so evil!???! How is asking them not to jump on a bed even remotely implying that they are evil?!
He WANTS me to take initiative with his children but yet when I do, he questions me and my motives. I don't think I should have to explain WHY I want children to go outside and play, and I don't think requesting that they not jump on a bed is implying that they are bad children. When does it end?!
Ends with better
Ends with better communication....
you should've told SD - Hon go and play outside, it's a nice sunny day and our bodies needs sunlight to be healthy, it's called VitD... I will call you as soon as lunch is ready and after lunch we can stay in doors... your eyes needs to rest from watching TV, or what ever silly reason....
being a SM.. the answer of cause I say so will never work, your are haring the snowflakes
Regarding the new bed, why do you leave it in the living room, why not the garage, standing upright in your room next to a wall.... seriously leaving it in the living room is like inviting the kids to use it as a trampoline.
Your request to DH - sounds like a drill sergeant order... You could've said, Hon what are we going to do about storage and planing on the bed not being ruined in the living room...
see years of dealing with blended life I had to learn, never ever say Ask your kid..., ask the children...., tell the children.... this will be taken as you hate his kids... you have to think of a different way of telling him to sort out his brats and keep them away, without mentioning the words brats, spawn, children, child..
It won't fit in the garage,
It won't fit in the garage, or anywhere out of their hair for that matter. It's actually in transit to the cottage. I just knew it would be tempting for them, of course, all kids want to jump on a huge bed in their living room, so that's why i mentioned it to him. We did stand it up right, but I figured they'd ask him to take it down and I wanted to make sure he didn't. I was just kind of insulted when he jumped to, you think my kids are evil. I've always told him I think they're good kids.
As for going outside, the kids and I had already spoken about why they were going outside so she knew. I told her we had been inside all morning so it was time to go and get some fresh air. It was her father that wasn't there for that conversation. But I didn't want to sit there and explain the whole thing to him while she whined about wanting to come in. I just thought he would know that I wasn't sending her outside to be mean or anything. I thought that would be implied. If he told me that the kids were going outside to play, I wouldn't question him on that. I would say, your Dad says go outside and figure he had a reason.
I will try and stay away from those words lol. They are pretty well behaved children so I haven't had to use them as of yet
I find I have more trouble with the parents.
Hon the first rule of
Hon the first rule of manipulation by kids... in a kids mind
Stupid woman told me to go outside, I will wait till Dad gets here and ask him, they will fight and I will win...
It's all communication girl... so what if you already told SD what and why, DH was not there he does not know...
try it in the future, even if you explain it 3 times a day. You tell girls outside, they whine to Dad, in front of you (that's to get you into shit) Simply smile and say, SD what did we talk about this morning, why don't you tell Dad about that... and then explain it again.....
See this way SD thinks, oh crap she knows my game, ..... and DH will feel allot better cause now he knows...
Regarding the bed, you worked on if's... you did not give him a chance to show you he can say NO, thus you seem a bit controlling...... next time with something like this... trust in him to do the right thing and if he does not, go off on his ass like a crazed woman when you are alone, never have words or fights in front of the children.
Oh and my first part - not only skids play adults against each other, bio kids does exactly the same.... think back, how many times did one of your parents gave you instructions or said NO and then you went to the other parent?
See my parents are different, if we went to my Dad asking to go to the movies, he would say, What does Mum say..
Opportunity.. we ran to Mum and said - Dad said we can go to the movies...Mum went crazy cause she said we have to clean our rooms.... Mum and Dad vanish for 10 minutes, they come back and we are punished cause we tried playing them off against each other....
When does it end?! It won't.
When does it end?!
It won't.
I have had so many wars with
I have had so many wars with my DH about his kids going outside to play. I finally gave up.
And, it never ends. I told my DH a few weeks ago I was sick of SS disrespecting me. My DH responded by saying he wasn't picking me over SS and they would just move out. I guess because asking him to parent = me asking him to pick his child over me. :?
Welcome to the Twilight Zone.
They really do take it to the
They really do take it to the extreme. They want you to take responsibility but when you do you get in trouble.
It's called "Responsibility
It's called "Responsibility without Authority."
You should grab a copy of the book Step Monster.
While it doesn't necessarily provide answers, it helps with explaining step mother situations.
That book and this site have helped me not go insane.
Your husband sounds like mine used to (although mine not so overt).
I just disengaged and let him do it all if he didn't like the way I did it.
Thanks, I saw mention of that
Thanks, I saw mention of that book but haven't checked it out yet. I will.
If some rando disrespected
If some rando disrespected you, would your DH defend you, or would he walk away with the rando?
I think he'd defend me.
I think he'd defend me. Although I often feel like I'm the only one defending me in our relationship.
Adults do not need to explain
Adults do not need to explain themselves to children. You also shouldn't have to give your BF an explanation when he is delegating their care to you. either he trust your judgment or not.
Why did I want them outside? I wanted to fix lunch in peace and quiet? I wanted them to burn off some energy? I didn't want them dirtying up the house? They have been watching entirely too much tv today? It doesn't really matter does it though. If you wanted them to go play outside and you were the one "dealing" with them.. he should trust that your reason was good enough and back you up on that!
Now the mattress thing? Gee wiz dude, forgive me for thinking forward and predicting that young kids would want to jump on new mattress like a trampoline! They aren't evil for doing it, just being kids, but they don't realize the damage it can cause.. so why not nip it before it happens and people get upset?
Exactly!
Exactly!
And that is the perfect
And that is the perfect example of WHY you should never watch his children again. If you can't be trusted to handle things appropriately without being micro-managed, then NO WAY....not watching your kids
Ugh the whining..... The
Ugh the whining.....
The whining drives me crazy. Like nails on a chalkboard. I don't tolerate it.
I used to tell the kids that if they were going to be Whiny McPissyPants they could go be Whiny McPissyPants alone in their room because nobody else wanted to hear it.
kid still whines now and then to get his way... but I call them both out on it when it happens.
A while back the kid was whining to come into the garage while I was having a smoke, and SO said no... kid kept whining and SO let kid come into the garage... so I spoke up immediately to SO "Wait a second... you said no to coming in here, and he just whined like a crybaby to get what he wanted... why did you give in?" SO said because he didn't want to hear him whine... I asked SO why kid would stop whining if it works... he whines, he gets his way... why stop??
duh moment for SO... lol
Kid doesn't whine as much nowadays... and when he does, SO tells him to go whine in his room.
Yes! I couldn't believe that
Yes! I couldn't believe that he caved to her whining. Like seriously, he'll let her come inside because she whines, but he won't send her outside when I reasonably request it. geesh.
I read the entire post, and
I read the entire post, and the last sentence really jumped out at me:
"He WANTS me to take initiative with his children but yet when I do, he questions me and my motives"
STOP right now. Do not take any initiative. If he growls about it, calmly explain the why to him.
Its generally not the children's fault if the parent wont parent. If they whine and get their way by playing that game of "ask SM then ask Dad for a different answer", after you have explicitly given a request that they do x,y,z then why not? It works for them, and the parent who is expecting you to parent their child is sabatoging you. It typically starts slow and builds over time, but it sounds like you are already past the honeymoon phase.
So STOP, stop taking initiative, stop taking care of the children for him, stop doing for them, and see how fast he will backtrack. Let him clean up, make lunches, babysit, and stop his activities for childcare.
You need to explain to him that you are life partners and as such have equal authority over the household.
I was hoping it would never
I was hoping it would never get to this but after joining this site, I feel like that's my only option - to step out of the equation.
My wife would completely
My wife would completely understand your frustration. So do I by the way but from a different perspective. It infuriates my wife when she feels that I am requiring her to do something before I do something. Your Dh is doing this to you.
LOL, I think you're mistaking
LOL, I think you're mistaking me for someone else.
It was only me, and I was taking care of my boyfriends twin girls while he went to work for a few hours. There was no brother or other children. Me and my boyfriends twin girls did a bunch of stuff indoors that morning and then I said it was time to go outside and play until lunch was ready (so like, 20 minutes). One of the twins protested while the other twin went outside and played. I was frustrated because 1 minute after they went outside to play, one of the girls came back in and started whining to her father (who had just arrived) about how she didn't want to play outside. After spending all morning inside, I didn't think asking them to go outside for a bit was unreasonable. My boyfriend however, instead of supporting me, told his daughter (after she whined about it) that she could come inside. I should mention that this all took place at MY house while I was babysitting for him and cooking them MY food.
As for being the other woman. He is not married... it refers to always feeling like the other woman because I'm not the bio mom to my BF's children.
You said the "we" rode bikes.
You said the "we" rode bikes. I'll assume riding bike was an outdoor activity. So how long had the kids already been outside during the 3 or so hour you had them. It' been so hot and humid here that I can barely get my dog to go out and potty. I assume too, however, it wasn't hot and humid where you are.
But Dad was working and just came home. They aren't there to be babysat by you, of course they wanted to come in and greet Dad. If Dad had not went off to work, had been there all along, would you have insisted the girl go out while you prepare lunch?They had already been out, is it really that a big of deal if they wanted to stay in to have just chased them out of the kitchen and play in the house?
If Dad isn't going to back you up in your efforts, why bother. Let his kids go sit in the house like little blobs. If he's good with blobs, you cant care more than he does.