Please help!!! How do i deal with BM!!
To be honest i'm at a loss on what to do when it comes to my SS(4) BM, i dont NOT want this woman in my life! I wont go into details on my opinion of her mothering but lets just say, if there was a lazy, selfish mum award, she'd get it! Her attitude just stinks, swearing none stop, not willing to listen to anyone, she's a selfish little girl who cares only about herself.
Anyways, i've told her that when it comes to me and my DS(7) i want us to be kept out of her and my DP arguing, i've told her the only time i will have an opinion is if me or my DS have something to do it or if we're brought into the situation for no reason.
Everytime she spits her dummy out at my DP she always has to involve me and my DS(7), makes comments about us on facebook and to other people. I dont want to be involved! i hate this girl with a passion, i hate her as a mother and a person and i just want to live my life in peace, this BM is really getting me down and upset and i can only imagine what its doing to my DP, so im torn, do i stay as out of it as i can by not even talking about it all or do i get involved, support my DP and help him with all this, i feel like its a lose/lose situation for me so i dont know what to do. help!
All you can do is ignore. I
All you can do is ignore. I know it sucks trust me I am trying to learn to disengage with everything to do with SS outside of my house, and a few school events for SS that DH would like me to be at.
BM's will always take the lowest jabs that they can - you would think most would be happy but many especially on this site are just bitter old hags that we must deal with for our DH. I say you stay out of it but support your DH when he comes to you and things that happen in your home - we cannot control outside of our homes.
My heart goes out to you
My heart goes out to you because I know what you are going through. It took me years of blood, sweat, explatives, and years of tears to get to where I am now with my husbands ex. While everyone's situation is different, what the others have shared is true. You can only control yourself. You can not control the world around you or anyone in it. And even if you could, would you want to? You can't control whether she posts something, says something, searches public records to dig up dirt on you (oh wait, I'm bringing up old memories...), or anything. The only thing you control is your reaction to it. Because this is the hardest thing to do - control your emotional response - I will be honest in saying that it took me a long time to get there. But once I got in control of my emotions, it was easier to focus on me and ignore the games she was playing. I also stopped talking to her until we got to a mutually cordial place. Conversations are easy to misread and get out of hand, and since I did not NEED to have a relationship with her, I cut it off.
The other major struggle was how to support my husband. Since all communications filtered (at least then) through him, he got the brunt of the bitterness. I worked hard to support him. I listened, I asked him what he needed from me, I tried to understand that he was being pulled in many different direction and cut him a little slack when things weren't perfect in our household. And, most importantly, I told him when I needed a break from listening to the drama for my own mental sanity because I could not handle any more. Once I got a little sanity back, and could get ahold of my emotions again, I went back to supporting him.
If you have a strong relationship with your husband, you will make it. If not, work to strengthen that. There is little you can do about bm unless she is breaking the law, and even then, you will want to weigh the impact taking legal action will have on the kids.
All the best,
A. S. Noraford
www.blendedfamilysurvivalguide.com
boundaries, avoid and ignore
boundaries, avoid and ignore - block her, her entire family and all mutual friends from your facebook, don't go to pick ups/ drop offs, don't give her your phone number and if she already has it go to the phone company and block her number, block her email address, don't go to her house or let her come to yours... catch the drift? do all that and you'll feel much better in a few months. its impossible to "get along" with a high conflict bm. you have to shut them out of your life as much as possible.
I completely agree with one
I completely agree with one addition:
I think her DH needs to step up and stop responding to anything that the BM tries to bring up if it involves the OP and/or her child. Or maybe with just a small sentence at the end, "My wife and stepchild have absolutely nothing to do with us being parents of x. Please leave them out of any future correspondence."
The amount of times he's told
The amount of times he's told her to keep us out of it, she even rings my DP's mum when she doesn't get her own way, my DP's mother cant stand her either and no matter how many times she's been told to stop bringing his mum into their problems, but does she? no! The girl takes advantage of DP and his mums kindness and treats it like its her's to be given to and the fact that getting rid of her kid every weekend is a priority to her ... Like i said the girl is so selfish and she really doesnt care as long as she gets what she wants.
I dont read her posts, people
I dont read her posts, people tell me! I've blocked her. And thats my point i WANT to stay out of it all! you'd think she'd be happy about that! When it comes to the parenting of their kid, i stay out of it as much as possible, unless it involves my son.
But it's easier said than done to just ignore her, when i have her ringing my house which i dont want her doing. If i could wipe her memory and mind of me i would! and vise versa !
People tell you because you
People tell you because you listen. As soon as someone starts talking about BM, say you don't want to hear it. Do that enough times and it will stop.