Very happy I found this site
I am new to the site and have to say that I am very happy to have found it. I have been dating a guy for 1.5 years that has 2 sons, 9 and 12. Lately I have been beginning to think that I have gotten into something I am not sure that I want to continue with. He is not technically divorced yet, but obviously I met him after he separated. He left her because she was a control freak and cheated on him several times. I have no children of my own but have been married once before. Therefore I have no experience with children and sometimes have a hard time with how to deal with some of the situations that come up with his children and/or his psycho soon to be ex-wife. None of my friends or family are in this situation, so it is hard to find people to give good advice. I have been following the blogs on here for several days and am enjoying them as well as learning alot too.
Don't get me wrong, I think it is sooo sad that there are so many BM's other that purposely mess with their childrens heads. I am just glad to see that I am not the "only one" going through this. So many of the stories have the same themes as mine. The BM who is controlling and trying to turn the kids away from their BF. Tells the kids that I broke up their marriage and that I am trying to replace her. Making me out to be the bad guy etc. Thankfully, the kids and I have a pretty good relationship. They know that if they have a question about something involving me that they can I ask and I will do my best to give them an honest answer. So far that has seemed to work for the most part.
The whole guilt parenting thing is going on also. My B/F is so afraid that he will lose his sons totally that he isn't as strict as he should be and even lets the kids sleep with him on his nights. Personally I do not think it is very healthy for a 9 or 12 year old to be sleeping with a parent, but he thinks its ok. Both kids have temper tantrums when they don't get their way about anything. They are learning slowly that I don't put up with that crap! My B/F may let it go on, but he will back me up if I have to say something to one of them. Based on some of the blogs, I guess I should be lucky that he will do that. My only problem with my B/F is that he does not stand up to the BM because, again, he is afraid he will lose his kids somehow. Right now they have 50/50 custody, which I think is fair because they should both have the opportunity to see their kids. But for example, tonight is his night to have them both. This afternoon the BM calls him to inform him that his older son doesn't want to go with him. He is 12. He has pulled this crap numerous times in the past, and frankly I don't believe it is the 12 y.o.'s decision as to whether or not he gets to stay with Mom or go with Dad. But the BM has him so brainwashed and promises him things if he will stay with her. Unfortunately, this kid has some other anxiety and depression issues to boot (can't imagine why). He has been pulling his hair out at the top of his head lately. So I can't totally put the blame on him. But on the other hand, my B/F doesn't force him to go, so the 12 y.o. wins essentially. My B/F thinks he is in a lose/lose situation. He is the bad Dad if he forces him to come, but he is also a bad Dad if he doesn't. If he tells the BM that she is ignoring the court order she just says, "I am not telling him he can't go." She also has this child convinced that now that he is 12, he gets to go to court and decide who he wants to live with. The Attorney for my B/F has assured us that that is not the case, thankfully. I just want to be there when the older one figures out that his BM has been telling lies about alot of things all along. I want to see the little light bulb go off over his head. But I am afraid that may never happen. He is very immature for his age, and as I said has some other emotional issues. I guess I just needed to say that I don't understand how people can be so evil that they are willing to mess up their children for something they have no control over!!
I feel bad for the kids and for my B/F also who loves his sons greatly and is really getting hurt by them. I on the other hand am still wondering if I want to get involved in all this. I keep hoping that things will get better as I have a wonderful relationship with my B/F.
I appreciate you reading this and welcome any and all comments!!
- maybeonesoon's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Been there, done that.....run now before it's too late!!!!
Hi and welcome. I wanted to offer you my advice. You seem very level headed and understand the situation you are in. That's how I was when this started for me. However, today I am a shell of the woman I was. I am living day by day never knowing for sure if today is going to be the day I call it quits. I have put my dreams on hold to support someone else's family and the mess they made long before I came along. My dreams of having a baby are on hold indefinitely. My dreams of traveling again are on hold. All the things I've wanted are on hold. Because I am in a step situation. My FH is a good person and treats me well for the most part. But he has bad qualities that undermine our relationship. He's old enough now that those bad things aren't going to change...so I'm learning to accept them. The problem is he doesn't accept me...he wants me perfect 24/7 or he labels me 'crazy' or 'causing problems' or 'difficult'. In real life, I am popular, well liked and have had a great life in general. People see me as sane, well balanced, and a calming influence. I am the person at work that everyone goes to for advice. At home, I am the invisible servant who caters to everyone's needs while being told that my dreams are selfish and are against the needs of 'the family.' I've read all the books, studied all the notes on how to be a good stepmom, but I've been told repeatedly that I am not good enough and I am demanding and bitchy.
I tried to be friendly to the bm to start with. I respected her and didn't cause any fights even though she came and went through fh's house at will, including while I was there. When I finally exploded at her, she created a whole drama that goes on to this day and she refuses to speak to me...while fh remains in the middle, irritated that I cause 'problems.'
I thought I knew it all going into this...if I behaved a certain way and did what the books said, everything would work itself out. But I was wrong. Nothing I do can make things work. Nothing is acceptable enough for this to function the right way. I know how marriage is supposed to be about two people being able to compromise...but this step-thing never works like that. You get used, abused, and dumped on and then no matter how you react, you're wrong.
I would say to you, listen to your head and any friends you can confide in before you go any further with your relationship. Do not move in...take your time until you are absolutely certain that you are 100 percent positive this is right for you. I wish I hadn't moved in with him. I would never ever be in this mess had I listened to my head. You can love someone, but sometimes their life and where it's going just doesn't mesh with yours, ya know? And I can't imagine anyone who's wish list includes putting their dreams on hold to raise someone else's kids...and that's what you do alot of the time...
I don't mean to preach or tell you it's all bad, I'm just saying that if you keep your own place you keep you power. The more power you give up, the more unbalanced the relationship becomes.
I hope the advice you get on here helps you.
Big hugs, LT
Thank you!
I appreciate hearing the good and the bad....
Welcome! You'll learn a lot here!
I have learned SO MUCH on this site. For the most part, everyone is very supportive and has much knowledge to share.
When I joined a year ago, I had three ADULT SDs who were throwing tantrums because "daddy" was now making plans with a "new girl". (Me!!) Like everyone else, I thought we would
all get along GREAT, I was actually EXCITED that I might have
three new "daughters" with whom to shop, etc.
WRONG. But, thanks to this site and the many coping mechanisms I've learned (detachment, among them), I stopped "jumping thru hoops" to try to win over their "love" and just started living my own life. Amazingly, once I STOPPED caring, they STARTED behaving and getting their own lives.
My H and I have been very happy of late. If he wants to hang out with his "kids" (now all three pushing 30...), he can feel free to do so. I find other things to do. And, as I've detached, they "need" daddy less and less.
Again, welcome and I promise, this site WILL help you!! It saved my sanity MANY times!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I agree with lil teapot
I have a wonderful bio daughter and another on the way due to being in a step/life but I also wish I had not married and moved in with my husband due to the hardships I've endured. My SD and SS are not badly behaved children but ALL children can get to you at times. We have full custody so they are with us 24/7 which was way too much for me to take on. Unfortunatley I didn't realize until it was too late. I had NO baggage (well divorced once) when I came into this relationship. No children, no debt, no major issues. Now I have all of the above. I wish I had chosen someone without children not because the children are terrible but because all that comes with them (BM, expenses, emotional probs etc). Good luck and get out while you still can!
WELCOME :) WELCOME :)
I have only been a part of ST for a few weeks and the feed back and support I have gotten from everyone on here has been GREAT! It has helped me alot to vent and not yell and be so upset about every little thing that BM or SD does. Giving I still get angry but I am learning how to control letting anyone else know and not to explode on my H for making my life turn into this! (don't get me wrong I still blame him ;)LOL) Now the only thing I need to do is learn how to detach from this hell hole I have to live in and I will be GREAT
As a BM myself and a SM I get both sides of the street. (I keep saying that my XHand his new wife is sooo LUCKY I am the X I don't bother nor do I call or text or act psyco) But if I were you listen to everyone else. I wouldn't say run but if your bf wants you to move in thats instant "STEP MOM" and there is no running away from there. Make sure and stand your ground on what you believe.It is a horrible hard life to live and if I could go back 9 years I would have ran out of town quick!!!! Good lick to you...
"Why doesn't the BM get it, if they knew how to keep their men happy. I would never be the evil stepmother"