Disengaging with a StepMonster
How do you do it? I have tried and I just cannot seem to let it go when my ss is getting away with murder and breaking every single little rule, giving me dirty looks and then smiling ever so innocently at daddy. Add to it that my son is seeing the inequity when no one is holding ss accountable. (They are a year apart in age).
It's a lose/lose situation.
If I disengage, I think it's bad for my son.
If I engage, it's bad for my relationship.
Also, does anyone have any experience with disengaging actually strengthening the SM/SK relationship?
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I am in the same situation!!
I am in the same situation!! My BD14 and SS14 are like night and day! The things SS gets aways with are very apparent to my BD and it is really hard to deal with!
I have told BD that she was raised from day one with certain expectations and just because SS appears to get away with things that has no bearing on her. She still gets upset but she knows that in the end she will make something of herself.
I did disengage for the most part from SS just for my own sanity, but it is very hard to look the other way! I can't say it did any strenthening to our relationship if anything I think the resentment built! I think DH needs to step up in the discipline area but I don't know how to make him see his angel is doing anything wrong!! The whole world can see just not DH!
Question - if you disengage,
Question - if you disengage, why do you feel it would be bad for your son?
This household is RIPE with inequities between my kids and SK's. My kids aren't blind. But as Eagle Eye said, my kids have been told they have expectations, which they may not understand now but will help them in the future. I've had very forthright discussions with my kids, that I can't control, nor do I care anymore, how those other two are raised. I'm NOT their parent so technically NOT my business.
HOWEVER, my full responsibility is to my own two children, whom I will not allow to wallow in their past (their biodad passed when they were very young), play that card at every turn (like the SK's play their COD status 13 years running), and feel that because they have encountered hardships in their lives they should be free-ranged. NO WAY.
I see the benefits. In fact, it has taught my kids that life is not fair. There will always be someone getting the easy road, taking advantage of others, getting their way -- for now. But they have also been witness to Karma where the SK's are concerned and saw the devastation it left in it's path because those kids have never had responsibility nor have they ever been held accountable for anything. And it's starting to come back and bite not only the SK's but their bioparents.
As for the question about if disengaging has strengthened the SM/SK relationship? NOPE. I'm just as invisible to them today as I was 6 years ago when we first met. But it has strengthened me as a person, and has added another, stronger dimension to my relationship with my kids.
Thank you for the input. I
Thank you for the input. I felt it would be bad for my son because "it's not fair." But I've always taught the whole "who ever said life is fair?" rule, so I guess I need to live by it as well.
I don't by any means want to glorify my son, but he is a great kid (12 yrs). He is polite and respectful. He holds doors open for random people when we are out. He gets good grades and his teachers love him. He has friends and adapts well to different environments. He plays sports and is just generally well rounded. He helps with the baby without being asked. I would love to take the credit for that, but we lived with my mother until he was 2 and I know that helped form his great attitude. The long running joke from my siblings is that my son must be a good kid because he is the only one that grandpa will babysit without grandma!
My ss is an entitled little brat who regulary plays the COD card and his dad falls for it every time. He is bossy and does not have many friends. He baby talks and cries to get his way (he is 11). His recent rant was that he does not get as much closet space as my son (he is with us 4 days eow and my son lives there full time)so he is certain daddy doesn't want him anymore! He only helps out if he thinks daddy is watching otherwise, he conveniently forgets to do his chores or even makes my son do them. I want to like this child, but he just won't let me.
I guess I am going to have to try to disengage. I will take some of that one on one time with my son and have a frank discussion with him about the inequity that he may see, etc. If it relieves some of my anxiety and puts some of the arguing at bay, then I guess it is better for my son, too.