I disengaged from my SK about a year ago. I am about 80% disengaged from SS13 and our relationship is pretty good. I love the kid. As for SD15, 100% disengaged and not ever having a relationship with her again. You have to keep learning to walk away and repeat that is not my kid, not my problem. If they are in danger you intervene, but beyond that nothing. Until your DH gets it and works with you and not against you. Mine is better now. Disengaging really helped.

Exactly - not your kid, not your problem. The only person you can focus on is your own son. He's already seeing the inequities and it will only build resentment. You can't save your ss. Your only hope is teaching your son the right way to do things.

Definitely disengage. The more you try, the more the Skids seem to cause conflict. If they see you are not interested and show them less support and allow them to do more for themselves, eg dont make them snacks, dont make their beds, wash their clothes etc. Give the love to your child where you get response. But be sure the Skid is not taking it out on your child either. Even opt for time out for you and your children alone. Go out to a movie with him without anyone and have that special time you both need together. Explain to your partner that maybe you both should have time with your bio children every now and then to ensure that bonds stay close. I have talked to my DP about this and we have started instigating this and it has brought my DP and I closer. We all parent differently, but when it causes problems within step families, we need to concentrate on our own backyard first.

There's diff types of disengaging (I think) you can be ignorant - civil - here's what I tried and finally found it to work. SD14 - moved in w/ us last year BD12 - BS9 - BS5. Dh tried very hard to have me swoop in and fix this troubled teen. BM is a piece of CRAP......anyway....
We only had SD PT before this - so it was easy to "fake" things if you know what I mean. But it's a whole nother story when they move in w/ you!! God!! what a nightmare. I tried caring, I tried understanding, I tried compassion, I tried being there. But time after time she threw mud in my face! WE argued a lot. I told DH I did not want to be the one she came to anymore.
So after 2 months I have found it easier just to be civil and not involoved. I don't want to be asked anything to do with or for her. She caused a lot of crap w/ my DH and I and I won't put up with it. He makes comments about how annoying she is and can't wait for her to move out. He is well aware of it; but it's his child - .
We do bare of everything. Hello - goodbye - how was your day. I don't give rides anymore; I just refuse - My BK know I am not her mother so if they feel they are getting treated differently - they go to dad............To each thier own.
Good LUCK

Oh good, so I don’t have to feel guilty about disengaging?? Phew! I am disengaged about 90%. My SS15 has the maturity of a 7 yr old (in fact, he loves to play with my BS7 but has practically no relationship with my BS14). He asked DH to help him open a cereal box the other day, and he still won’t eat his damn crust lol.

I have worked hard over the years to tell DH to make him do his own stuff, it’s good for him in the long run, but it’s been a constant challenge. DH will ask my BS14 to do stuff like take out the trash, but I have to prompt him to have SS15 to do similar tasks. I used to try and have DH do motor skill therapy with SS and other things…he’s been in IEP since Kindergarten, but DH never does it. I have finally decided I don’t give a rat’s ass how SS turns out as an adult. I have to stop caring to save my sanity after 9 yrs.