The Bio Mom and the Bio Dad have all the say and my thoughts don't matter
This is my first time on here. I am here because I'm frustrated, at the moment, though this is minor compared to other Step Parent issues that have come up. Still...
It's about being left out.
I recently found out from my husband that he and his ex-wife decided to let "our" 15 year old daughter get her tragus pierced (the part of the ear that covers the ear canal. We just allowed her to get her nose pierced, this past winter. To some this may be no big thing, but I am not one for lots of alternative body piercings. Back to the point, by the time I heard that it was happening, it was a done deal. Kory just brought it up that she was going with her mom to get it done and that was news to me. I asked my husband about it and he said it just happened; that it wasn't much of a discussion. And ironically, that neither him nor his ex-wife really wanted Kory to get it done, but they both reluctantly agreed. I told him that I was surprised by the announcement and had no idea. I also told him that I believe that I should have a voice in such matters. After all, if I am their full-time mother figure and have to raise them and discipline and take their disrespect, all the things that a biological parent does, then I deserve to be included. That's how I believe about it, anyway. My husband, being the good man he is, did admit that he didn't think about it and should have included me. It still frustrated me though.
I believe that Kory is too young for such a piercing. It would be better for her to wait and get that when she is an adult because she is still too young too know what she wants, all of the time. She needs to wait and sit on a decision like that and if she still wants it in a few years when she is an adult, then she can do it.
Today, I find out that the kids mom wants to take our middle son to get his ear pierced for his 12th birthday, and Mike agreed to it. Same thing, I got left out and I still say he is WAY too young to know what he wants.
My thoughts and opinion don't seem to matter. It's like being a pseudo parent, a less than parent. It's frustrating when I have to do all the regular jobs of a parent, it's expected, but I don't get a say in matters like this.
That's it just frustrating, so I'm sitting here at McDonald's to get some time away to write this.
Thanks for your input. I see
Thanks for your input.
I see what you are saying about the reality of the bio parents having the final say. It doesn't make it any less tough, though. Especially when the bio mom isn't involved in parenting the children. She walked out on them 6 years ago and told her, then husband that he could take care of them. She moved to California for 2 years to be with another man. She is near again, however, she is just like the fun aunt or the friend. She sides with the children when they have to be disciplined and such. She has made it her personal vendetta to have the children hate her father and now me.
So, no, it doesn't make me feel good that she gets to have it her way in a situation like this.
I know I can't change it now though. It's done and I will have to get over it.
We have definitely talked
We have definitely talked about the bio mom. My husband knows how toxic she is. He does a lot to keep her at bay. She was a bad influence before I came into his life, it just got worse once I came along. Actually, she has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is very bad, in terms of how you operate in the world and relate to people. She refused to acknowledge it and therefore is not being treated. This makes things worse because if she were being treated, she might be decent.
My husband and I got it worked out. He is going to tell me if any discussions come up between him and the ex about decisions affecting the children or our household and I will give my input, if I see of anything that he isn't aware of that I feel needs to be discussed.
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Thank you. I do believe
Thank you. I do believe those are decisions that should me made as an adult because of the responsibility. Hygiene will be an issue with that piercing and she isn't the best at being consistent. Also, those things are something you need to be sure of and take time to think about before doing them.
Well, it is just a piercing,
Well, it is just a piercing, not a pregnancy.
Bottom line our roles is not
Bottom line our roles is not fair. We get to provide financially emotionally and physically but we are just our step kids silenced bystanders! Its the truth. It sucks we are not allow to make any decesions just be the do bees. The only answwer is Emotional detachment
I can say that I wouldn't
I can say that I wouldn't have given any heed to my kids' stepMom's input. Difference in our situation, though, ours (their Dad's and mine) lived with me all but 2 days a month and summers.
My daughter has both ears pierced. She did get a second piercing and a cartilage piercing at 18. She did ask me for a belly piercing at 16, and I had no problem with it. SHe's said that she'd consider a tatt at some point in an unobtrusive place), but knows that she will be paying for that herself.
My thing was nothing permanent until an adult. And paying for it themselves.
Oh, my son got his ear pierced at 14. Big deal.
The advice to make a rule that they can only wear piercings at the other house? Fine. But... most cannot be taken out for a period of time after being done. SO know that you are effectively making a decision that should be up to the parents.