On the thoughts of skids deciding if they're coming over or not........
DH's kid (d16) was supposed to be at our place on Sunday for a two week visit (2nd of three for the summer). On Wednesday she was not coming because she has a babysitting gig with a neighbor. Okay fine, she's 16 and wants money for clothes and whatever stuff she buys. Then on Thursday she calls again to tell us she's not coming but was at a friends house. What about her babysitting gig?? Then on Friday she calls DH. This is what I was told and what I heard of the conversation:
Kid: I feel bad that I said I wasn't going to be there, so if you still want me to come over I will.
DH: Okay (insert barfy nickname here). That sounds good, but you should know Shaman's parents may be up here for a emergency visit. One of their good friends is in the hospital. It won't affect you, except if they come, you might have to spend a few days in the spare room on an air mattress. Nothings confirmed yet, but I wanted you to know.
Kid: (hesitating) Well....ummmmmmmm. I guess that's okay.
DH: Good! What time should I pick you up on Sunday.
Kid: Oh...well here's the thing. My friend and I wanted to get our ears pierced for Friday the 13th. It would have only cost $13. But now we missed it so we want to do it on Sunday instead. Can you meet us at X place, sign the form so I can get the piercing and can I borrow $30 to do it?
DH: Why do I have to sign a form??
Kid: Well....ummmmmm....it's in the top of my ear and I'm under 18, so I need a parent to sign off to make it okay.
DH: Here's the thing (nickname). I'm not signing off on any piercing. That last thing I need is your mother screeching at me about something like this. And I'm not giving you $30 to get a piercing, you can earn the money with your babysitting job.
Kid: Oh, okay.
DH: What time should I pick you up on Sunday?
Kid: Let me call you back and let you know.
My first question to DH, I thought she had a babysitting job for her neighbor? He said "(nickname) told me the child was with the Dad visiting for a few weeks." I said, how can that be? She just told you this was the reason she couldn't come over. Now it's not?? DH shrugged his shoulders and said "What am I supposed to do, call her out on her lies? I don't want that kind of relationship with my kid"
:jawdrop:
So on Saturday, kid calls DH and guess who decided she is NOT going to come over for her second two week visitation?? Guess who used my parents possible, but not confirmed visit as the reason? She didn't want to be displaced from her cave.
Now DH wants to pick her up next Saturday and take her to the beach. Excuse me, she totally tried to manipulate you with the visit so you would do something for her, and when you didn't, she decided not to come over. And you're going to reward her behavior?? You want me to spend 6 hours of one of my weekend days in a car with teen spirit, watch you fawn all over her all day long, spend a ton of money on crap food for her and just sit by and smile about it? Oh, okay. I was just checking.
I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to spend my entire Saturday in a car with two teenage girls (he was going to let her bring a friend with her). Luckily, a good friend of mine is having a BBQ. I may represent our family and let him and his princess/mini-wife/GF enjoy their day together.
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I am SO GLAD all of the
I am SO GLAD all of the stepkids I'll be dealing with on a regular basis are boys..... then I only hav my own DD to get through teenage hell.
Oh, boy...sounds familiar.
Oh, boy...sounds familiar. My SD quit visiting when she was 14 also under the excuse of babysitting (they lived far away and spent summers with us,so I get that she was developing her own life, friends etc.... We asked her to sign to have her support sent directly to her when she was in college - she refused!? So it went to her Mom, who bought her boyfriend a truck with it LOL. We may not SEE karma, but must trust in it I guess.
Sounds like typical
Sounds like typical manipultive teenager stuff. No visit =
less drama. I'd be ok with that. Sorry for your DH tho.
I wish this were typical but
I wish this were typical but Uberskank is a master manipulator, so we're on the fence as to if this is typical or Uberskank training her daughter to be just like her.
I'm sorry for my DH too, I think that's why I get so annoyed by his kid. But then again, he refuses to do anything to change the circumstances.
I don't think it really has
I don't think it really has to do just with being a teenager. My YSD is only 10 and already knows how to play this game. It's because her BM is very materialistic and uses people to get what she wants and has taught SD the same attitude. It seems to be a combination of internal and external loci for a lot of the skids.
That is typical teenage stuff
That is typical teenage stuff all around. Even bio parents get that - I don't know if I will join you and dad, texts and phone calls all around to see if there is anything better going on with friends. Teenagers live for their friends - that is all they care about (oh and money of course) LOL. I wouldn't sweat it - this is perfectly normal. She doesn't want to hurt DH's feelings so she is empathetic by lying and saying she has something legit to do instead. She likely will never change, these princess SD's seldom change. They love having their dear daddy wrapped arond their finger. I have one too and went through the teen years with the same BS. I was just relieved when SD had something better to do.
"...DH shrugged his shoulders
"...DH shrugged his shoulders and said "What am I supposed to do, call her out on her lies? I don't want that kind of relationship with my kid". Yes that's exactly what he should do. My dd is 16 her and her dad have been very rocky over the last couple of years but if she wants to refuse to visit him my rule is she will call him and tell him why, and that if I think for one second she is blowing smoke up his ass to not sound like she just doesn't want to go because she's sick of his behavior and treatment of her I call her on it. This has done a couple things #1 she visits him more because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings regardless of their issues, #2 she's had to learn conflict resolution, and #3 learned that it is better to be honest and hurt someones feelings so that they have the knowledge there is a problem and can choose to change, than it is to lie to them.
Exactly. Thank you. That is
Exactly. Thank you. That is all I would like to see her do is be honest with her Dad. And I would like to see DH be honest with her as well and tell her "What you just said contradicts what you told me yesterday, is there something else you'd like to tell me?"
The difference is you're teaching your DD not to manipulate or lie to people. You are teaching her good life skills that will carry her through her personal and business relationships.
DH's kid has learned her mother's life lessons, which is the polar opposite of what you've taught your daughter. If DH's kid had a normal mother who wasn't a narcissistic sociopath, then all of this would be an easy fix. But she watches Uberskank display this same behavior every day and get away with it. And there is DH, sitting idly by and once again not taking the steps to correct this behavior.
God forbid he rock the boat. Right now he is just bidding his time until she graduates from HS and he won't have to play this game any more. That is just sad to me.
I vent here because I promised to stay out of his relationship with his kid going forward (blow up right before 4th of July). Despite my best efforts to encourage an honest relationship between DH and his kid, they both are too stubborn to want what is best for them. That's fine. But holy crap, DH better not bitch about her to me again.
I read that and actually I
I read that and actually I think your DH did a WONDERFUL thing. She totally tried to get him to pay for and approve that piercing and he responded PERFECTLY.
As for the lie about babysitting, well I don't know, it brings to mind people who call in sick to work when they aren't actually sick.
She's 16. She's separating away, more interested in her friends than hanging out with Dad. Sounds normal. She's "lying" about it maybe to spare her father's feelings or she's having that typical teen attitude.
For her not being there when your parents are visiting, isn't that a good thing? When you were 16, would you have wanted to come over?
Your husband is actually doing a great job IMO. How many of these fathers would have rolled over and done the piercing. How many would have shoved your parents to the side in order to please, or not upset, the little princess.
If you don't want to go to the beach and witness all that, don't go. Let DH bear the brunt of it. Is she actually going to hang with dad or is she going to hang with her friend and pretend like the old guy over there doesn't exist? Cuz my money for a 16yo girl at the beach with her friend is that any and all parental figures will be soundly ignored until money is needed.
If that pisses you off, just don't go.