Funerals for ex in laws?
So i was wondering if anybody had advice here. Ex's mom is in hospital, and the prognosis is not good. They think any day now. She is 97.
My husband had no real relationship with this woman, as a matter of fact she and her husband treated him horribly when he was married to the ex. On top of this, his ex wife is horrendous and the relationship between him and her is pretty much non-existent at this point.
So last night SS calls and says he is flying in to see his grandmother and then asks my husband if he is going. My husband explains to him that he does not think this is appropriate because this is not his family anymore, has been with me for 22 years (12 years longer in fact than the ex), and did not even talk to this woman after his divorce. So the SS gets upset and blows up at him for not "supporting his kids" (again my husband is put in the spot of the bad guy). So my husband explains to him "Why do you need my support? You are not a child anymore, you are a grown man, if you want to go that is your decision, but i am not going."
I kind of blew a fuse because while a small part of me understands where SS is coming from, why do they still act like they are 12 and need daddy to hold their hands? They never respect his wishes. I also found it insulting and disrespectful to me. He is no longer a part of this family, his kids are all in their 30's and he has not been on speaking terms with any of the ex's family for years now. This to me is a non issue.
So what is proper funeral etiquette when it comes to ex's? Anybody else been in this predicament?
SOOOOO very sorry to hear of
SOOOOO very sorry to hear of the passing of your dad, Echo! My heart breaks for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry for your loss
My condolences - Memory
My condolences - Memory Eternal.
It's a tough call... My ex and I do not get along *at* *all*. And therefore, I would likely keep it to a condolence card, perhaps some flowers or donation if requested, but I believe it would be more respectful (in our situation) if I stayed away. In all honesty, I don't know if he would even want the kids there - when his brother passed, I offered to pay for the kids to fly in, and he told me he didn't want them there. Long story. But if they wanted to go, I would help them get there.
And, really... I would prefer he stay away when my parents go.
I think funerals are
I think funerals are different for different people.
Some that I've been to and sat in the family section (seated to the side last) I had no clue who was there. I'm sure the sign in book is till someplace but I never read it.
I spoke at both parents' funerals - that's the only reason I had a clue who was sitting in the church. Couldn't tell you to this day who was there and who wasn't. I don't know of anyone that I would have kicked out of the church but there are some people that I would have refused entry to my home afterwards (no one tried).
What I do remember is that a dear friend flew in from out of town two days after the funeral just for the day to take me to lunch. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever. That was so much more meaningful than if she'd flow in and sat at the funeral for an hour.
If a family was known to be hostile to me I would never go to "show my respect" as I don't think it would be respectful to go someplace where I was really not wanted.
And I doubt if I would ever go to "show my respect" if I truly had no respect for the person who died.
Echo - please accept my condolences for your loss of your father. I lost my dad just before Christmas 3 years ago.
My DH went to the funeral of
My DH went to the funeral of BM's father last February. He did so for 2 reasons: 1. He was very close to the man for the 15 yrs he was with BM and he was a great friend to him so he wanted to pay his respects, and 2. To support SD14, since she was very distraught.
Did I like the fact that he was with them during such a traumatic, emotional time period? Absolutely not. It was a snow day so I was home from work alone with my thoughts and he braved the weather just for them. Yeah, selfish of me? Of course. But you can't control your feelings.
The funeral itself didn't bother me as much as the reception afterwards. It was held at BM's home that DH had shared with them(she still lives there) and he was there for a few hours. When he got home, I could see he'd been crying and was still upset, so all I offered was a shoulder and emotional support. I never said a word other than I was sorry for the loss of his friend.
He said SD clung to him the entire time (which was typical of her). He said BM never said a word to him or even looked his way. SD has a penchant for the dramatic though and "used" her grandfather's death for mega attention and sympathy every chance she got.
All said and done, I would never control what DH does unless it directly involved BM (like some of the other women here have to deal with). I supported him during a time of need and that's what I'm here for. I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself and just went through it, knowing that he'd do the same for me.
Your actions sound reasonable
Your actions sound reasonable to me.
Of course I would have to castrate DH if he ever so much as gave BM a hug.
DH and I had only been
DH and I had only been together a year and had just gotten engaged a couple months prior to his ex FIL's passing.
I was secure in my relationship and understood that since he wasn't there to support BM, (just SD) I didn't really have a reason to be upset or angry. I still felt sorta empty inside when he left and came home that evening, knowing he'd braved a blizzard for his former family's support but I also knew that HE himself was going for his own reasons to pay respects to a man he admired.
I did feel completely relieved when he told me that BM didn't so much as glance his direction the entire time he was present at the funeral and inside her home though.
My husband would not attend
My husband would not attend anything for any ex in-law and his daughter knows it.
Had any of them ever treated him with an ounce of respect, it might be different.
"I attribute the son's rude,
"I attribute the son's rude, demanding, dismissive response to his generation of entitled pansies. For Pete's sake, the SON is supposed to be going to the funeral to pay HIS respects and be with his mother. Not demanding that his daddy holds HIS hand. MAN UP!"
I SO agree. If the son is supposed to be there for his mother how can the father be there with him unless they form a little threesome. Sounds like that would piss off everybody but the pansy son.
^^^ Perfect! Did SS ask if
^^^ Perfect! Did SS ask if Dad and SM were going? No.
He's a little pr!ck.
I agree that the best thing
I agree that the best thing for this SS to do would have been to go along with his dad's answer. However, if this grandparent was someone he (SS) was very close with, well, perhaps he truly was not thinking logically. But then again, I do not know much about this man and his past behavior. I have to admit that it has happened to me. Was it, as some might say, "on this level," no, but it happened.
Exactly, they are very adept
Exactly, they are very adept at emotional blackmail. They are all very immature and the expectations and lack of respect are still appalling to me. They expect, give nothing. I try to let it go and believe me, my expectations for all three of them are about as low as you can go.
They never respect his opinions or feelings ever. They treat him like an object. I told him the next time this SS raises his voice he needs to hang up and say "I do not deserve to be treated that way" but as always, my husband blows it off. He tolerates the treatment.
I also have to laugh about what you say about him having a fit with one of his kids (turn the table), and how funny that one would be!
Thank you StepAside, as
Thank you StepAside, as always you hit the nail on the head.
Here are my thoughts, first off, if we lived in the area and my husband felt inclined to go, sit in the back, pay respects and leave. I would probably be "OK" with that. But we live 2000 miles away and he has a horrendous relationship with his ex and the ex MIL had dementia for the last 5 years and did not even remember who the heck he was! The relationship with the ex in laws is non-exsitant.
And I do think it is disrespectful to expect your father to come out, buy a plane ticket, hold your hand at a funeral for people that he does not get along with, has nothing to do with, and does not want to be around. All this when you are 32 years old? Seriously? On top of that, what makes the SS think that the ex's family even want him there to begin with?
After I wrote this, I did stop, take a breather and think about it again.... yes i can in one way see why my SS would think this way (all his adult kids have the emotional maturity of 12 year olds) and asked my husband if he "wanted to go" and his response was "hell no." So there you have it...
On top of all this, did anybody ask how i felt about this? If i wanted to go? Nobody, i am never even a blip on the radar. It is always about him. Like i said, we live 2000 miles away, my husband takes care of our son and does not work. Where is the money coming from for plane tickets, daycare, etc.?
It is not like somebody from our immediate family, that makes more sense to me, is appropriate. This i feel is not.
DH and I went to his ex MIL's
DH and I went to his ex MIL's funeral a couple of years ago only because YSD19 was underage at the time, was living with us and had no other way of getting to the funeral to pay her respects. DH and I stayed out in the lobby of the funeral home and did not interfere with his ex or any of the ex's family - this even included MSD20. (The ex had mandated in the custody order that DH was not to try to contact MSD in any way and that she was not to try to contact YSD in any way.)
If anyone in the ex's family were to pass away now, DH would not attend as there is no reason. SD's are all adults now, the ex's family was never friendly to DH in the first place and we have no relationships with any of them now - not even the adult SD's.
IMHO, if there wasn't a respectful relationship in place to begin with, then there should be no obligation to "pay your respects" after the person passes.
Dh, as much as he despises
Dh, as much as he despises bm, would go to her funeral/wake and those of her family (with whom we get along) for the SDs. Even though bm could be described by many as being a POS, they still love her and it would still be a difficult time for them. Dh and I have discussed this. He'd also go because he wants them to be there for him when his mom dies.
My parents are also divorced and have remained on good terms. They grew up together. When my grandma on Moms side died, Dad went to her wake and funeral. He's remained friends with my uncles. When my dad's father died Mom went to his wake and funeral. I was close to them both but so were both of my parents.
My parents would go to each others wakes and funerals.
I would doubt there is any
I would doubt there is any "proper etiquette". I would say in his case, he is right. They had no relationship and so it would be VERY INAPPROPRIATE for him to go. He may want to point out to his children that given the circumstances, this woman's loved ones (their mother, aunts, uncles, and etc.) may feel very disrespected by his presence at the funeral. But just remember, don't step in or you will become the bad guy who is making him be a bad guy when they all get around to telling their sides of the story. Let him deal with his children and be there to support him. But both of you also need to make it very apparent to his children that you are deeply sorry for their loss and be there for them outside of the funeral. In my case, DH has a better relationship with his ex in-laws than his ex even does, so if one of them were to pass, I would EXPECT him to be there to show his last respects as would they. But, like I said, nobody can tell you what is right. Your DH knows whether he should or should not go and judging by your post, I think I would agree that it is best for him not to go.
It depends on the
It depends on the relationships between all involved.
In our case, DH's ex-mil is not expected to live much longer. I can't imaging DH would want to go to the funeral. Within the last 2 years, he has referred to her as white-trash in an angry email to BM. With all the name calling on both sides, I can't imagine DH would go. If he wanted to, I would be surprised, but he would have to go without me, but my perfect excuse would be that we have two small children who have no need to go to this funeral.
On the other hand, I would be a bit pissed if SD21 asked DH to go because she did not go to DH's favorite aunt's funeral two years ago. She didn't even acknowledge the passing. This may be DH's fault since I don't know if and when he told her (even though we went, with our then infant son) but I don't care.
If DH had genuinely liked his Ex-MIL, then I probably would not be surprised if he wanted to go. Since he didn't like that entire family, I think it would cause unnecessary stress to all involved.
Just my opinion..
As a kid of divorce who has
As a kid of divorce who has lost 3 grandparents over the past 3 years - I thought it was really nice that my Mom went to the Visitation for my paternal g-parents. She didn't go to the funeral or burial. AND I didn't ask her to come. I told her when and where it was. She was not the only ex-wife that attended the visitation.
My Dad returned the favor by attending the visitation of my maternal grandfather. But again, I didn't ask him to come. (In fact, having him there was weird as I don't have a relationship with him anymore) BUT also, my exH and many of my aunts and uncles (Dad's siblings) came to the visitation as well. Perhaps it is because I'm from a very small town (1500 people) or perhaps it was more because my Grandpa was simply an amazing man. Either way - it was very nice.
NOW - when my exH's parents pass I will NOT be attending their services. Those people hate me. I imagine my exH will attend when it is my Grandmother, or Mother, or many of my family. But seriously - my exH still gets invited to the big holidays (we're weird - I know!)
I think your SS was a douche for expecting your DH to attend.
Your dh said he wasn't going.
Your dh said he wasn't going. That is sufficient enough, he should not be 'made' to go.
To each his own I guess. My
To each his own I guess. My ex was pallbearer at my own mother's funeral 3 years ago. My sis's idea. They had stayed close over the years. The only person I felt sorry for was my DH. I was a bit shocked when she announced it in front of everybody at the meeting to make funeral arrangements but figured I would be the bitch if I protested. I don't think anyone was left with scars over it but maybe I better go over this with my DH again!
On a side note, about 7 years
On a side note, about 7 years ago when my MIL passed, the ex wife showed up to the funeral. Nobody in my husband's family said anything and figured she was just paying respects and what ever. To make a long story short, people were civil to her but that was that, nobody really ever got along with her.
After the funeral, she came to the burial... kind of weird because only the immediate family was there (maybe 15-20 people). People were staring at her. She did not get it.
After the funeral she invited herself to the dinner, once again never asked if this was appropriate. Once again, an intimate dinner with just the immediate family (about 25 people total). The entire time i sat and did not say a word but i felt as if it was awkward. My husband and I at one end of the table, the ex at the other all by herself. My sister in law kept making comments to me "why is SHE here?" "Who invited her?" People were staring at her and making comments. She was oblivious of course. Maybe it was the free meal? I gave up at that point.
What i am saying is that nobody wanted her there but she "assumed" that she was welcome. This is the other point i am making with Skids.
While they assume that the dad is welcome, who is to say that they want him there or even expect him there for that matter?