Wedding Day Drama Starting
I am in need of some advice. Here's a little background information. I have been with my fiancee for 4-5 years. We got engaged at the beginning of November 2011. Our wedding is in less than a month. I wanted to go to the courthouse and make it quick and easy. My family & fiancee insisted on a wedding. I will be gaining an adult SS and child SD, 10. I've been through a wedding recently with my future SD. i was the MOH, she was a junior bridesmaid. It was overwhelming to say the least. 10 year olds require a lot of attention. She had a lot of nerves and issues that I had to help her through while being MOH and getting everything else ready. I choose to make our wedding during the day (a brunch) and have no wedding party (aside from his kids) to eliminate as much stress from the day as possible.
Here's where the advice comes in. The wedding and reception are 11-4. Being as she is the only other woman involved aside from my mom, I will spend a majority of my wedding day with her (which I want to & love doing as we are very close). My sister decided she wanted to throw us an "afterparty" the night of the wedding. My college friends will be in town & staying at my sisters house. My future husband invited his son (who is an adult that we don't see nearly as much as his daughter). I thought that was great. SD found out and called her Dad upset that she wasn't invited. He told her that she can come too. Now we are in the midst of a huge fight because I don't want her there. It's not that she isn't wanted, but I know the wedding day will be stressful enough. Add a 10 year old who needs constant attention and reassurance (which I will gladly give her). I just welcomed the afterparty as a way to unwind & destress and it will become a chore with her there. She will be the only child and she doesn't belong in that enviroment. Regardless, I'm being treated as the "jerk" who "won't accept that he's a package deal." I just wanted some adult celebration (which was all I really wanted to begin with). He can't talk to me without getting defensive of her. How should I handle this? I'm lost?
Tell you that you are not the
Tell you that you are not the one throwing the party. SD was not invited. period.
You don't get to invite other people to a party that someone else is giving.
SD needs to learn that she
SD needs to learn that she cannot always get what she wants. I have a little cousin almost her age, and we are trying to teach her that, because she wants to be included in everything. I don't want to see her grow into an adult brat.
You are having her involved in the wedding, and that is enough.
Your DH needs to tell her that she cannot come to the party.
I hope you don't spend the rest of your life arguing with DH about his daughter. This is a bad sign to me. I am dealing with adult skids who have no coping skills because they were always allowed to do what they wanted.
Sometimes it gets better.
Sometimes it gets better. Although my stepsitch can be frustrating... my DH used to be super permissive. He set no boundaries. He put his kids before me. He put his ex wife before me. I felt helpless. I gave him an ultimatum.
My DH is a really smart guy. His family loves me. He got smart. He stopped allowing his old family to manipulate him. As a result, his kids don't want to have a relationship with him and his ex wife tries to make his life hell. He doesn't really care anymore. He focuses on us.
Things CAN change - if you have a husband who wants to make you a priority, is willing to listen, and is willing to grow with you as you figure it out together.
That doesn't mean its all roses. I still can't stand my skids. I can't stand the BM. Most of the time, I can't even stand the fact that my DH has kids. But, its better.
Tell him that she can come to
Tell him that she can come to the party but she is his responsibility for the day, let him look after her whilst you enjoy your day. If it's his daughter he needs to share in the responsibility too. Good luck,hope your day is beautiful in every way
"If you think all our choices
"If you think all our choices are going to revolve around 1 person, you are mistaken. And we need to talk about this before we get married."
This!!
Thank you all for the advice!
Thank you all for the advice! I'm sure I'll be back to post more because this is never an easy situation. The reality is the party will not likely be like a nightclub. More like family & friends sitting around catching up, drinking, and talking. We sat down and had a heart to heart about many things. I explained to him that myself & my sister had already told her she wasn't invited. I also explained that (because I have her a majority of the time while he's working) just recently we went to a holiday party at a co-workers house and the other 2 children there showed up an hour and a half after we did. She constantly told me she was bored. She was quite miserable, but he hadn't gotten off work and showed up until after the kids were there and she was having fun. I never felt the need to tell him about the beginning of the holiday party because I fully expected she would be bored once I realized the other 2 were late. I thought it was normal behavior and unnecessary to report.
I told him that he should have talked to me before telling her she could come, that she can't guilt either one of us into getting what she wants. (This issue is still relatively new to both of us that she uses guilt like I'm mad or upset to get what she wants).
We decided we both need to communicate with each other before making decisions and we won't be giving in to guilt trips. He recognized that he gets defensive and I get angry before either one of us says what is really on our mind. I told him, if the guilt trip parenting continues I won't stick around. He's not doing her any favors. Her and I may be the closest and most honest relationship she has. She can't guilt me because I've never let her. She guilts both her parents all the time (although this is a new development it's becoming common). I told him, if he doesn't want to man up that's on him but I won't allow her to guilt him behind my back and overrule me. In the future we can talk and negotiate on issues that aren't determined but this is non-negotiable for me. Once she's told one thing she's not going to run to the other one to get the answer she wants.
In the end, she received a phone call from her Dad saying this is an adult only party. No kids will be there and he wasn't aware that she was already told that she was not coming. He told her that she cannot go behind our backs, that we talk to each other & she will not be there. She's upset, but she'll get over it.
Both of us need to find a way to communicate constructively. That's not easy to do when we're both defensive. I yell and he hears "your daughter's a brat" which isn't what I'm saying & I hear "my daughter comes first" which isn't what he's saying.
We also both come from vastly different families. Parties when I was a child were family reunions and holidays which were both kid oriented until we all grew up. A Saturday morning for him was waking up, pouring himself a bowl of cereal, turning on cartoons and crawling up on the back of whoever was passed out on the couch that morning. I told him his daughter deserves better. But if he wants me to stay actively involved with her he'll have to be a teammate of mine, not a pushover of hers.
We'll see. I'll be back.
Wow, what a good head you
Wow, what a good head you have on your shoulders! All of that was very well said! I am so glad that he agreed with you and called his daughter, not only to tell her she was not going to be allowed at the party, but also that it's not acceptable to ask daddy if stepmom or whoever already said no.
Good job! Hope things work out for you.