Sorry this is a long story. Some of you may know, DH and I just married a couple months ago. Since Christmas we have had SD10 every weekend. After we got married she approached us saying she wants to live with us. We spoke to her to make sure there was nothing going on with BM (like she had to do chores and didn't want to, or got punished and was trying to get out of it.) There was no indication of any of that. She did mention that she spoke to her Mom about it, and everytime she brings it up BM and SS20 "say mean things about DH" and she ends up running to her room crying. We explained that we would contact BM to get her thoughts on everything. DH called BM the night SD10 was due to be home to discuss custody. Her response was basically, "I'm done with her. I'll pack her shit up. You (DH) abandoned his kids. SS20 hates DH (due to BM constantly bashing DH). You'll get more CS out of me than I ever got out of you." We live in different school districts and BM contacted her school district and notified them that she didn't have custody anymore and that SD was moving in with us.

The school district then notified us that we had to move SD to our school district and we had a limited time to do it. I believe this was part of BM's plan to scare SD back home. We sat SD down and explained (without blaming BM) that the school said she must move schools. We had two weeks to make the move and gave her the full 2 weeks to grasp that concept. She still wanted to move to the new school district and move in with us. In the meantime BM flip flopped between understanding why SD10 wanted to live with her Dad and screaming that he abandoned them and didn't deserve her kids. Additionally, she refused to provide SD any of her clothing, shoes, coats, book bag, school supplies. This forced DH and I to have to stock her up with the basic necessities after having her only EOWE for the last 4 years.

The first weekend BM (who only makes arrangements with SD, not DH) arranged over the phone, but in the presence of DH to pick her daughter up. BM never showed up to get her and never reached out to explain or reschedule. She made arrangements to get her the next weekend later that week. When SD went to her mom's, her mom refused to bring her back. SD snuck when BM left her at home and text DH to get her because BM wasn't bringing her back. A huge fight ensued. She's repeatedly told SD that she was moving and she wouldn't have a bedroom anymore because she can't survive without DH's money. She called DH every name she could think of. SD was convinced that BM was coming to kill us. It was ugly. Fast forward another 2 weeks and BM has her for the weekend. We are served custody papers and SD is made to feel like it is her responsibility to make BM happy. BM claims she wants 50/50 however she makes more money than DH.

During all of this BM continued to have DH's child support taken out of his check (Domestic Relations put a hold on it, so she's not getting it after DH went in to explain the situation.) Further we've learned that despite Dh paying almost $200 for daycare expenses SD hasn't been in daycare since August. BM unenrolled her from our school district and re-enrolled her school district. She's hired an attorney.

I'm not a SM that dislikes her Stepkids. This whole situation has been difficult. I understand why SD wants to understand her relationship with her father, moving in with him will accomplish that. Additionally, BM will continue her campaign against DH. 50/50 will allow SD to see her father more often and build a relationship. However BM and DH do not have a working relationship that would be necessary for a 50/50 custody arrangement to work. One issue we have had recently with SD was being told no. She blatantly doesn't accept no for an answer. We sat her down and explained that no means no. She said when BM tells her no and she does it anyway BM gets mad, yells, and then goes to her room. (That's right, BM punishes herself.) There will be rules/no rules every other week. How is this EVER going to work??? However, the CS hearing is before the custody conciliation so if she gets ordered to pay, she may change back to full custody without batting an eye. Also, DH never went for 50/50 custody because he doesn't believe a child should be without a home base and that it would be better for the kids to have stability. This of course was before he realized that BM turned SS20 against him in 5 years.

Anyone else ever been there?? How do you deal with all the uncertainty of this situation?? I feel like I'm living in crazy land.