Let's take this piece by piece.

How long have they been divorced?

Does BM work, too?

Did the original divorce agreement line out who gets/pays for what? Is there where he took on debt? It *may* have been that he took on the debt because it was assumed that he would make enough money on the house... how many years ago was this? Think about it...if the house was thought to have a bunch of equity, then the debt doesn't hurt as much. However, the market tanked, so that's ugly.

You said he owes BACK spousal support. That means he's in arrears. It's hard to complain about having to pay a debt when he's been getting out of it for some reason or another... it just caught up to him. How far behind was he? I mean, BM is married now, so awhile??

I can understand being frustrated that your SO has financial obligations that you don't like. The simple fact is that this obligation existed before you did. You came into this relationship KNOWING he owes money to his ex. It's a fact of his life. Plain and simple.

HOWEVER, the fact that you are virtually stomping your feet and yelling in caps that it's NOT FAIR that he can't spend money on YOU...WTF? That alone tells me you are nowhere near ready for the challenges of steplife. Not even close to ready. I'd honestly be disgusted with a man who chose to lavish me with gifts instead of taking care of his kids.

If you're broke, why? Do you work? Do you support yourself? Are you paying for his expenses? Are you paying for his kids' expenses?
BTW, if your SO cannot afford cell phones for the kids, then he should cancel the accounts.

You didn't HAVE to buy their school supplies...you BOUGHT them their school supplies. Sorry, but if he does it, it is on HIM. If the kids have no school supplies, let the schools call the BM. Let her get ticked off, let her tell the children and all HE has to do is tell them that he gives their mom money for that. If he doesn't, it is on him. If the BM is like this, don't think for ONE MINUTE that as time goes by they will want more and more and more and more and when your DH FINALLY is living under a bridge, they will STILL hate him. Put a stop to it before it ruins you.

I can certainly relate to your frustration.

We have the skids 50% and pay full CS... BM does not supply clothing except for what the skids are wearing when they come over... and despite all that if she finds out we buy them things like backpacks she tries to get us to give them to the kids for every day use (which we refuse to do). Recently she asked us if we had snowsuits for them this year... why we pay her anything but the difference in their salaries... which isn't much is completely beyond me! But this was the deal for their separation that he agreed to to encourage the court to give him 50% so that they didn't think he was in it just to get a reduction on CS. She won't pay half of swimming lessons because she can't afford it... yet.. but recently also got a boob job and tummy tuck...

During his separation he paid for her car, the house insurance etc... despite not living in the home or driving the car. When he moved out he left everything behind but his clothes and he didn't get many of his things back. She "lost" his wedding ring! Most of this was guilt. He also gave up more money over the price of his marital home so she would give him the 50% he wanted with his kids. She laughed at him because he bargained money for time with his kids... we laughed at her, because she took the money and gave him the time he wanted.

It is frustrating... but this is his agreement with his ex and you have to think of it this way otherwise you will resent him and the payments... it is a mortgage. A mortgage that will have to be paid there is nothing you can do about it. It is your cross to bare, this is what you signed on for.

However, what I don't understand is the back payments... means at some point he wasn't paying what he was supposed to... right?

You don't need to like his kids, but you do have to tolerate them. Can you deal with disliking his kids this much for the next year, 5 years, 10 years 20 years of your life? They are not going anywhere... They will always be a part of his life. Can you work with that? Big questions to ask yourself. good luck friend, it will not be easy figuring this stuff out.

The state we live in believes that the higher a mans income the higher his CS payments should be.

SAME!!!!!!!!!!!! And this is why we are broke and I am UP to my ears in debt...BM NEVER buys the girls ANYTHING...the only time they get new clothes out there is when they are gifted. We buy them back to school supplies, clothes, shoes, etc. While she has her hair done...nails...new tattoos, new PINK clothes...EVERYTHING...we can't even get our car fixed while she's driving a new one. SICK. I know the debt was my fault - BUT I refuse to let them go without...they are at the ages where everyone is starting to pay attention to what the other is wearing...and that damn Disney Channel and JUSTICE store doesn't help lol! Thank God I am a bargain shopper NOW...and sometimes I worry that their dad will be blamed for how they look or anything at school..you know the old "I'm a single mom - their dad barely seems them - I work so hard" routine MOST like to pull...ugghhh

oh oh - I'd like to add too before someone says it is my fault I am in debt...yes it is. But I don't dislike my steps - sure the oldest one gives me a rough time...and she has for 5 years but that kid has been through hell and really- I am the best role model she has. And I actually LOVE them enough now that I really do care about their well-being and self-esteem and I want them to take care of themselves and I want to teach them responsibility and I also KNOW that someday they will realize we did EVERYTHING we could to give them a good life.

Your sitution is different...maybe start doing things with your "not so steps" like I did - actiivites cooking lessons - fun things WITH them...you may start to really enjoy them! For now...keep working on school...figure out whtt you want with you life! If this isn't for you in the long run...none of US will say "shame on you for not sticking it out!" We get it!

You need to nip the paying for extras in the bud. When I was first with partner he was paying maintenance (had them near enough 50/50) and was expected to buy school clothes, shoes etc... on top of that. Of course it wasn't as bad as he wasn't paying spousal maintenance but maintenance was cash in hand so she didn't claim any of it which meant her benefits catered for the fact she apparently wasn't getting anything from the father. She's had 3 kids with 2 different fathers since then so think how much she rakes in. Luckily its going down from April and rightly so. She would claim poverty but would always be going out on the piss, had a brand new 8 seater and 2 other cars, new clothes, new gadgets etc... Once I'd moved in I put my foot down and said that he doesn't buy extras on top of the maintenance. After the first few times of partner saying no she gave up asking, or she'd get the kids to ask and he would simply say "your mum will buy them for you during the week". Of course he still pays half for extra curricular activities and will buy them odd bits here and there like toys but he doesn't buys stuff that his maintenance covers. If a BM thinks she can push it she will.

As for the maintenance going up when their wages go up I thought this was how it should be. Seems unfair if a guys earning let's say a grand a month but only paying a £100 a month. If you lived with the Bio parent you'd be spending a lot more and shouldn't be an easy way out by splitting with the parent.

OP, you sound like the entitled SDs many posters here complain about.

I was a single mom with a full time job while earning my MA. Attending school isn't an excuse for not working.

DF paying CS doesn't bother me at all. Since we both work, CS doesn't "hurt" us. As a matter of fact, we're better off than BM.

My live in bf bm gets $1,300 per month for 1 kid, and this B**** can't even buy him a pair of shoes or pay for his extra curricular activities. She even complains because the father is asking her to pay $10 per week for his hair cut. This lady thinks the checks are for her hair and nails and for her to take care of her teenage daughter who is not his. Oh boy... I get angry just thinking about it. I have changed my whole mindset. The money I spend in the house stays in the house and I make sure I am taking advantage of it. I use to go out and buy this kid clothes, shoes, toys with my money. Nope nothing anymore... especially since she doesn't show any respect and she likes to keep all the stuff I paid my money for. I was a single mother and raised my daughter alone with nothing. These woman take advanatage of situations at the detriment of their own child. I can't imagine ever doing something like this as a BM. EVER
Oh and I forgot to add that my bf NEVER asked this lady to pay for anything until now. Of course the lady blames me for it, but my bf is 2 months behind on his mortgage. If you are behind on your mortgage, common sense didn't tell my bf that he needed to make her pay for stuff and stop paying for all these extras? He created this monster. Not to mention my bf has been paying for private lessons for his son and still behind on his mortgage catching up. I asked him how he is able to afford these private lessons and guess what he said "because I am paying for a lot of the other stuff". I then asked well if you knew I was paying for the extra stuff then he should have been doing extra stuff for me and not paying for private lessons. Let me also say that in 8 months my bf has only bought me 1 gift. yes 1

Look, girlfriend. We pay BM $2500 - down from $3400 - and DH isn't behind on anything. It makes me sick. I try to think of it as: I make enough money to live on my own. Even when it's all said and done, DH and I have enough to survive. We have each other. Some day her free ride will come to an end. And I will bask in the extra money. I will buy myself expensive gifts and takes trips - just to enjoy life. And she will need to prostitute herself to someone else. Whatever. I don't care what she does. It's like paying off a car... and when she's paid off, I am going to party!