I hate being a stepmom!
Hello,
I just turned 25, I'm 6 months pregnant with my first. I'm married to a man with a 6 year old son. We have been together for almost 4 years and also lived together most of this time.
One month ago things changed. The biological mother left because she's depressed, say's she doen't know when she'll be back or if she'll even come back and she left the child with us.
Oh God....It's been a month of hell for me...I think I'm going to go into a deep depression...I now regret this pregnancy because I just realized that being a step parent is a nightmare...If this boy stays with us full time....my happiness will forever dissapear...I am not blaming him....I just never thought this would happen. I knew he had a kid...but also that he was here on every other weekend and wednesdays....but now...he has been dumped on me...I mean pretty much full time....My husband gets home at 10 pm on weekdays...so I pretty much tale care of this kid all day...I cook for him and feed him, give him a bath, entertain him and haveto take him out of the house cuz he's on summer break and can't stay home all day.....and I am starting to feel like a slave....I have no time for myself anymore....I'm a student by the way...currently studying from home since i became pregnant and can't get nothing done. He makes the apartment so dirty, eats like a three year old...sings and talks non stop from morning to midnight...I'm cleaning after him all day and running around to feed him, clean him, ake him out and no damn person even says thankyou....I'm starting to think my husband is stupid as well as his biological mother...what the hel on earth makes them think that they can both dump their responsibility on me....I HAVE things to do too...I'm a student, 6 months pregnant, and I am stressed as hell being a slave for these damn ungrateful people!....The boy has no respect for me...he says racist comments to me on a daily basis...his father use to tell him to stop but not anymore. The other day and African American singer was on television and he said to his dad "That's the kind of wife you should have. Not (my name), she's not black...you should have a black wife."
He also constantly reminds me that I'm not family because I'm not black(I'm sure his mom tells him these things)......and then the damn Bitch has the guts to ask me to teach him english while she's somewhere traveling the world....It's like WTF! do you think a free babysitter and teacher...for you damn people?! You think I don't have shit to do in my life...Go fucking pay someone to teach your kid English bitch!......
I regret getting married to this man and very much regret becoming pregnant with his child....If I knew before getting married to hime what I know now...I would not hve been here.....I cry myself to sleep....this child is consuming me...and if his mom decides to leave him with us forever....I will never again have happiness in my life....I love my husband but I just can't handle this. I can't even have a conversation with my husband because this kid wants to be the only one who can talk to his dad. He sleeps in our bed.....God I can't even have peace when I go to bed now...cuz he kicks alot and that worries me because I'm pregnant...I have started to sleep in the living room...I can't sleep, I just cry because I miss my husband and he doesn't understand how hard this is....no body knows unless their a step parent...people act like I'm obliged to take care of this kid and love him...But I can't...I don't want to take care of him...no one even asked me.....
How come?.....this is more than a full time job...., shouldn't someone have asked me if I'm actually willing to take care of this kid like he's my own. It's not fair..........
I wanna run so far away from my life....If I wasn't pregnant I'd pack my bags and leave and just tell Hubby....I'm sorry it's too much for me....and there is no way I can live like this forever......I just don't know what to do....is anyone in the same situation. I hate being a stepmom.....it's a nightmare and feels like I'm being punished.....I hate HAte hate my life....I'm truly serious...I just want to sleep and not wake up anymore...I'm so dissapointed in what I thought would be a happy marriage....forget love....This life of a stepmom is bullshit...no body see's all the crap we do...and if we dare say something than we're Bitches!....Well what about us...we are human too...we have feelings, we want to actually do something with our precious time other than handle someone elses responsibility....we need to be appreciated and loved to.....but biological parents don't see that....they'll never know what it's like because they are not the step parent.....and their not dealing with our baggage all damn day long, every day....damn and it never ends....It's hell....I want to runaway....but I'm pregnant....I love my husband...but he's not suffering for me the way I am suffering.....It's just not worth it....I can't take it anymore.....can someone tell me if this get's better one day...I feel like I can't breath and feel like this place(my home) is the last place I wanna be.
sorry for bad spelling...It's
sorry for bad spelling...It's past 3 in the morning and I haven't slept. I was typing fast so sorry for all the spelling mistakes.
I know some people will think I'm evil...
If i wasn't a step mom and I read this, heck...I would think it's evil....but no one can judge untill they've been there......I'm just feeling so sad and lonely....There's no one I can talk to about this. My husband doesn't understand.
I also wanted to mention that
I also wanted to mention that this kid is constantly seeking attention...he doesn't even let me have a telephone conversationa and when his dad is home he's so clingy that it makes me want to puke!he's literally all over his father...giving him a million hugs and kisses and he has to try to be ontop of his lap....he's stuck to him like glue....even on weekends....
I find that weird for a six year old....I wouldn't want my six year old (if i had one) glued to me like that...they're not babies at that age....
If he sees me hug his dad he runs to hug him and has to come between us...It's like a constant competetion...If his dad sits beside me he has to come in between us....I especially hate the way he's always trying to give his dad a million kisses.....I'm not jealous or anything.I've seen little girls be so clingy at that age but I think it's kind of weird for a boy this age to be all over his daddy or mommy that way.
So our relationship doesn't exist when he's around...Hubby and I hardly speak because he'll start yelling "daddy...daddy" non stop untill we shutup.
He's been hiding food(sandwiches and brownies) in his bedroom....and when I found it he said he thought that's where the garbage was...oh and everytime he gets anything like a box of juice or any snack out to eat he thows it and wrappers on the floor....and I'm pretty sure he knows that's not the place for garbage...and he never washes his hands....so i don't feel comfortable when he touches me. he has a serious obsession with farts, poop and pee.....that's all he loves to talk about and he's like a radio that has no off button.
I don't hate him, I can't hate a child but I do hate taking care of him...He was so much more tolerable when he was 2 and three.,,,but now....I just really don't want him here....and if his mom took him half way across the planet I wouldn't miss him at all...I would have peace and some weight off my shoulders...Hubby came home today and said he wishes his mom would decide to leave him with us full time....I almost cried on the spot. This marriage will never work if that happens. Biolagical parents don't realize other people can't tolerate their kids the way they can...and their kids are not the smartest, custest little angels to others...they don't realize how their kids can actually be the most irritating little monsters that no one besides themselves can stand. Do all bioligical parents live in lala land?....He's always saying his son is so smart...and this kids report card was full of C's......News flash dude...ur kid aint that smart...which is why when he eats half the food ends up on the floor and he spills every cup of juice you give him...His obsession with peepee and poo and farts has been there for three years now...why do his parents not try to get his mind off of constantly talking about shit.
so here I am still awake.....
so here I am still awake.....
I have a feeling his BM is not coming back and it just feels like my life is suddenly falling apart....I think the only way this marriage will work if that happens is if we live in seperate homes. I can't live with his son. I don't want to be his mother...I can't do that for him and I can't love him like that....It's just not natural....he will forever feel like a burden to me. I'm pretty sure nannies get paid but I'm taking care of his kid and on top of that his ex get's more money from him than I ever did....we have nothing new for our baby on the way...because we're broke because of the amount he pays for child support.
How rediculous is my life?...I mean really?
I see this is your first time
I see this is your first time Posting on this Forum and you live in Canada.
I think you really need some professional help. Your husband isn't supporting you while at the same time he's passively supporting his kids verbal attacks i.e. by doing nothing about them.
I'm concerned about your physical as well as mental well-being and for the sake of yourself and your child you've got to bring yourself either out of your depression or out of the marriage.
It's becoming known that depression is a pregnant mother permanently effects her unborn child so there is no time to wait. Is there someplace you can go - as your parents - while you wait for your childs birth? Any method necessary to get you out of the home. This will have the side effect of forcing your husband to see what a responsibility it is to take care of his child.
I don't think anyone here
I don't think anyone here thinks you are evil darlin. You are right not to blame the kid though. His PARENTS have done this awful thing to you. It won't get better unless his father steps up and takes some responsibility for him and from your posts, I don't see that happening.
How much you DON'T love your ss will only become more evident to you after your own baby is born. YOU.NEED.HELP. Does this child have any grandparents he could spend some time with this summer - or on some weekends?
Is there a summer recreation program or something he could go to? That would give you some time without him for a few hours a day.
This SAME thing happened to me. When my younger ss was 14, his parents said "here ya go" -- I had a two year old and a newborn -- and then...suddenly...a wicked, jealous, evil, SMELLY teenager. OH THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway...this isn't about me, it's about you - just letting you know that I (and MANY others here) know what it's like. You are NOT alone...people here understand. You can always come here and let it rip!!!
I'm so sorry!! Same situation
I'm so sorry!! Same situation here! Bm left sd7 with dh, I'm due in September & I'm the primary caregiver since dh works 1pm-11pm 6 days/wk. I resent that I'm stuck caring for someone else's kid. Her mom should be taking care of her when dh can't, not me. She is almost 8 and acts 3 or 4. Incredibly clingy, whiney, and MESSY. I don't love her like my own, I don't even like her most of the time. I feel like life would be so much better if she wasn't here. I know when I have the baby she is going to drive me even more insane. She thinks the baby is going to be her living doll to do with what she pleases. I fear I won't have any alone time with my own child. I don't get alone time with dh bc she's always all over him and she has an attitude worse than a 15yr old. I definitely feel your pain! I can't tell dh how I feel bc there's nothing he can do about it now, I have told him I'm overwhelmed and the best he could do was send her to her grandmas every Saturday night.. Bm is unfit and we can't afford daycare right now. The best advice I have is take advantage of when dh is home, let him do every single thing for his kid. Tell dh you need a date night, does he have family or friends that can watch the kid so you two can go out?
Im sorry you feel so unhappy
Im sorry you feel so unhappy and I can see why, you know I would say to your bf, if his son dos'nt learn to treat me with respect, then I will not look after him, I mean he will have to do something then, who else is there to take care of him?
Your pregnant, studying and taking care of a disrespectful 6 year old, no wonder you feel stressed, I think you need to talk through some ground rules with your husband, he needs to understand that he is being very unfair to you, the way this boy talks to you, is unbelievable, please stick up for yourself, if you let things slip it just gets worse, trust me.
I know exactly what you mean, their parents think they are perfect, but we see them as they actually are, my Bf used to guilt parent, after rows, me threatening to leave, lots of talking and time, he has now stepped up. I really feel for you and have a real idea of how you feel, I hope things get better for you soon,
Thanks all for the replies.
Thanks all for the replies. The thing is my hubby has no family here. The BM does have an uncle living here but I don't think hubby will ever decide to leave his son with someone else.
I did tell him how I feel and how I can't do this but he doesn't seem to take me seriously. He thinks it's the pregnancy hormones. He can't afford to sign him up for summer camp or have anyone take care of him because we're not doing well financially.As for me....I really have nowhere to go. I moved to Quebec for my husband, all of my siblings live in diffirent provinces and their all married and busy, my parents are on vacation out of the country.
I've got friends but I also think that if I leave my husband will be so hurt. I think he'll feel like I'm walking away when he needs me most. I've asked him if he can change his work schedule but he refuses saying he'd get paid less.
Go to your parents home and
Go to your parents home and break a window to get in if necessary.
If you leave your husband will have to do something about his kid. You are willing to put yourself and your unborn in jeopardy to safe your husbands hurt feelings. Doesn't make sense does it? Awww poor baby.
Getting paid less is better than no job at all because there is no one else to stay at home with the kid. If you're serious about changing this you've got to take serious steps. Or just live with it.
Sign the boy up for
Sign the boy up for Daycare.
That then gives you all day free from him.
And when you husband says he can't afford it - explain to him that he will be paying for daycare when you walk out and child support for the new baby too.
The child is not your responsibility - especially if daddy-o isn't going to support you and set some serious boundaries! No 6 year old needs to be sleeping in their parents' bed. PERIOD!
I agree with the daycare
I agree with the daycare option. I would sign him up and list Dad as the responsible party. I would also consider leaving for a while to give him a taste of what it's like being home all day without any help.
I'm sorry you have to go through with this. We're all here behind you. let us know how things are going for you.
When your child is born you
When your child is born you will look at him or her and your world will feel right again for a little bit because it won't be about you anymore... everything everything everything will be for your little baby. Even your husband will take a back seat. And his baby drama will be a road bump, and you will finally have the courage to drive around it.
But hey, instead of waiting, you could take the wheel now and pack a bag. Tell DH that you are leaving if things are not changed in 24 hours. Put your foot down and don't feel guilty about it. Stress can harm you and your baby. Nothing is worth that. There is no need to risk something so precious.
PS, you are not evil.
Thankyou all. Hubby and I
Thankyou all.
Hubby and I have done some serious talking so I'm going to try to be patient a little longer.
He says that this is only temporary and that by the end of summer break we'll haveto make some changes if BM doesn't come back.
She called a few days ago and he asked her when she's coming back, she's still saying she doesn't know. Stepson has already been here for a month and a half and she still doesn't know when she's coming back or if she's even coming back.
Hubby told me if she doesn't come back he will change his work schedule so that he can take care of his son rather than me BUT....It's not enough.
Things have gotten much worse with this kid and I actually am starting to feel like I really don't want him in my home even if I'm not the one looking after him. He ruins my realtionship with my husband....we can't talk or sit beside eachother because he has to be the centre of attention 24/7. He yells when he speaks and doesn't know how to lower his voice. He sings all day, he makes a mess and sleeps in bed with us.He tells me no on loves me and it's not my house, he calls me ugly! He lies alot just like his mother. He actually told his dad that I never cook and feed him hotdogs everyday...even though he's the little monster refusing to eat anything I make for him!....and his dad thinks "oh he's just a kid, he'll grow out of it." ....whatever....from what I've read here they only get worse with age.
I'm sooo done with this little monster.
Bm only calls once a week or so and talks to him for like 2 mins each time. She doesn't even seem to miss this out of control child she created.....which is why I'm afraid she's going to dump him on us...so now ....I'm wondering if there's something I can do to make this woman come running back here missing her child because for some very odd reason she hardly seems to miss her 6 year old son....I mean what kind of mom is that way?
I wish I could do something to make her miss him so she can take this burden off my shoulders because I am so tired of having him around me 24/7.
If anyone here has any ideas of how to bring this woman back please let me know. I'm desperate.
Forgot to mention that rumors
Forgot to mention that rumors have been spreading that BM is trying to get together with some guy in the US. (she is currently married to her 4th husband)...I guess if it's true than it would be considered cheating.Wow! I wonder if she's planning on leaving her son just so she can move to the US and get married to hubby # 5.
If I knew the answer to that
If I knew the answer to that I'd be a lot happier too! Idk why some scum bag moms create these monsters & then dump em on the dad. My sd got dumped on us too. BM "came back" last December but is just now getting some visitation. Unfortunately because the left the most she'll probably ever get is every other wkend and 3hrs/wk.
Makes me wonder if some kids are actually just unlovable. I have no problem loving my nephews, kids I used to babysit , ect but I can't like, let alone love my SD. Obviously her own mother doesnt either. Anyway, once he starts school at least you will have a break. I hope things get better for you!