feeling awful about expressing my feelings to my so.
i am a 30 yo step mom to a delightful, typical almost 7 year old sd. my fiance and i have been together for 2 years, and the entire time we have had my sd most of the time... at least 4 nights per week. bm has since moved to another state and we fought and won primary custody. sd sees her bm on major holidays and breaks from school. i was a stay at home step mom until a couple of months ago, when i started a pt job because i needed to get out and have something of my own. thought that would solve my issue, but more keep seeping through the cracks.
i finally broke down in hysterics last night to my fiance. im finding it extremely difficult to be the step mom to this little girl. if i am going to live this life, i at least want a child of my own... because no matter what, she isnt mine. i cant put her to bed at night and fall in love with how beautiful she looks as she sleeps. i cant wake up every morning and love what i created. i cant watch things she does and be reminded of my childhood. for the past 2 years i have pretty much enjoyed caring for her. since we have had her full time the past 6 months, its just taken a toll on me. when i got into this, i never thought i would have to be a full time step mom. i thought we would have our own time... my fiance has no interest and is adamant that he does not want another child. so how do i get over the fact that i am stuck raising someone elses kid without one of my own? how do i get over the fact that my relationship cant be mine until shes gone?
everyday i feel like a prisoner in my own home. i cant watch tv because she'll just be up my ass about wanting to watch her own stuff or that shes bored... i have to constantly entertain her to keep my own sanity. oh, yeah, fiance works nights! so, im with her all day when not working so he can sleep... 
i feel like the unpaid nanny of a kid im not in love with.
i know i really hurt my fiance last night with all this talk... but he knew it was coming. ive been so on edge lately and every little thing sets me off. i resent my sd and her mother so much. like i said, it would be different if i had to go through this with my own... but thats not an option. how am i going to live the next 10 years like this?
good news is that tonight, after spending the day with her- he got his mom to watch sd so we could go have dinner and be alone. its so hard to constantly share your conversations, your hugs, and your attention with a 7 year old. *sigh*
Well if you have your own
Well if you have your own child it would be the same thing. You give up on 'your time'. I mean last night we asked my 19 yr old sson to go and spend the night at his mothers. He asked why! I told ihm we wnted to have sex in every room of the house. How blunt do you have to be?
I think part of the problem is you are expected to be the stand-in mother for this little girl yet you are not allowed to experience your own parenthood. Was the one child policy of your fiance ever discussed before you moved in? Has he changed his mind at all?
See, if I wanted to have my own child and my fiance nixed the idea I would walk. This really isn't about his child, it is about you being a mother yourself and not living vicariously through your fiance's child. I have become quite selfish in my advancing years and I wish I had done so earlier. But this is a fundamental for you. It is like "Do you believe in my God or not?". "Raging Liberal or gun totting capitalist conservative?". Some thigns are non-negotiable and in my world having children was something I wanted and luckily so did DH#1. Even though I had had my tubes tied by the time DH#2 and I got together we did discuss "What if" and he told me he was on the same page as me (never happened though!)We would raise a child together. After all, this is the reason sex was invented!
This is time for doul searching and further discussion. He needs to understand you are not the girls mother and neither are you a substitute nanny (unpaid). Right now he has it made. He gets to sleep all day and work all night. You get to take care of his daughter. He has nothing to worry about does he? Not even another child to raise. Meanwhile your heart is bleeding and this little girl is a constant reminder that maybe you just aren't the right one to bear a child of his yet his ex was.
"this little girl is a
"this little girl is a constant reminder that maybe you just aren't the right one to bear a child of his yet his ex was."
You are not ever going to be able to get past this. I am sure you love
him with all your heart. But believe me love does not conquer all.
I am not saying to leave him. But something has to give. Can you really accept not having a child EVER? Can he bend and have a child with you?
My skids are older so I don't have to have much to do with them. DH does not need to talk to BM although it happens sometimes. I was too old to have children when we got together.
And yet sometimes it just drives me CRAZY that she birthed his children. I truly HATE HER GUTS for that reason alone. Which I realize is pathetic on my part.
He said he is ver UNwilling
He said he is ver UNwilling to have another. He didnt even want this one. He doesnt want to put his life aside again for another 20 years and start over. I understand that. It just sucks that im stuck in this role of someone elses child!
Wow, that completely sucks.
Wow, that completely sucks. Unfortunately, in relationships, there are such things as "deal-breakers". For me, that would be not having children of my own. I told DH this before we ever got to the engagement part - if he didn't want children with me, I didn't want a relationship with him. Thankfully, he wants more and we're on the same page, but no matter how much I love him, if he told me we were never going to have kids - that he didn't want any and had zero interest - I would tell him I'm not the right person for him to be with. It is not something I'm willing to forgo.
The other part of this - it's not just the next 10 years hon. It's Forever. Stepkids, particularly those who have a guilty daddy that thinks the world rises and sets with them, never go away. You're talking about behavior (constantly needing entertainment, whining about only watching Her shows, etc) which Doesn't Get Better. It gets worse. Much much worse. And you wind up with a 20 something SD that acts like her dad's wife.
I know you feel bad for hurting him, but I guess my real question is how is he feeling about hurting you? Does he even care cause it doesn't seem like it. You sound pretty desperate to have a child of your own (and I know what that's like) and he's just... not interested. Instead, you're nanny-ing to a kid that's not yours that you're not paid to watch and I have to wonder if you were even consulted about having around full time with you as the main care-taker.
I'm not telling you to end it, I'm not telling you not to - only you can decide what you're willing to live with. For me - if my guy told me "No babies for you" and expected me to be the 24/7 unappreciated nanny with no pay and no holidays, I'd tell him to shove his hurt straight up his ass, I'm finding someone that's willing to reciprocate and care about my wants and needs as much as their own.
If nothing else, I'd be looking for a full-time job and telling him he needs to find different child-care, this is too much your soul and your sanity. You aren't the girl's mother, no matter how much you care for her and making you be the main caretaker, isn't going to change that - it's going to make you resent them both more than you can believe.
Best of luck.
I am married to DH and he has
I am married to DH and he has 5yo which is my SD. He made it clear he wanted to wait a while to have kids if even. My gyno two years prior told me I would need fertility treatments to get pregnant but magically with new DH got pregnant! Tell him it's a dealbreaker, make it known! You will resent both of them if you don't try for your own. The love I feel for my LO is so amazing and should be experienced just not with someone else's kid. Good luck!
It is so unbelievably selfish
It is so unbelievably selfish of your SO to deny you a child of your own! My DH can be really rotten, and was very happy without us having children of our own, but he admitted to me that if a man wants a woman, and she wants a child, he has no right to deny her. My DH is older than me, and didn't like the thought of starting over with babies now that his own daughter is 20 years old, but he did it for me. We went through years of infertility treatments, but now we have our own beautiful baby boy. There is no doubt in my mind I would have left if he had said we couldn't try for a baby. It's one thing if we tried and it didn't work, but it's different if we didn't even try. All the resentment I've had toward SD20 and BM for having done it all with DH are mostly gone because I have my little angel.
While it's up to you to decide if you want to stay with him if he refuses to have a baby with you, I can only imagine the resentment that will build up in you over time. If the man truly loves you, he will let you experience this for yourself!
I don't think it is selfish.
I don't think it is selfish. This is the way he feels. What if SHE didn't want a child and he did? Would it be selfish for her to not want a child when he does?
What this is is a dealbreaker. And the posters choice is to walk away NOW because they both want different things in life.
Granted, his belief in not wanting to have his life encumbered by a child for the next 20 yrs is odd. Most men eventually want a child to pass on their gene pool.
He doesn't want a child as much as she does. She sees herself as an unpaid nanny. He gets someone who cares about him to take care of his daughter. I wonder if he would have fought so hard for his child on his own? I doubt it. And how convenient to have an in-house nanny who he doesn't have to pay at his beck and call.
He is entitled to his feelings and decision and he has to live with them. However he cannot force another person to adhere to his lifestyle. This is solely in the hands of the person who is at odds with him. And as other posters have said, Love is not always enough. And there is a thin line of disinterest between love and hate. It is easy to fall over the line and the person you love then becomes a person you dispise.
No one should force you into childlessness except yourself. That being said, what kid of father do you think he would be? Active or disinterested?
I feel I should update this
I feel I should update this post and situation. After several long talks and a few nights sleeping on it… ive come to the conclusion I had before: I could really take or leave having my own child. Ive always felt that way and I still do. What the real issue seems to be being a step mom to my step daughter. Which still puts me in the same awful situation, really. Bottom line is either I go or I deal. Im not going anywhere, so I have to deal. lilyflower you mentioned detaching, and I hear the term all the time, but really, how do I do that? I feel like I cant take my anger and dislike and resentment out on her- she is only 7. I need to find a new way to deal with my emotions and feelings toward her and our situation. I need more alone time with my fiancé and less “family time” that’s for sure.