Disengage stepmom
Good evening! Im new to this, so im very excited to get some insight on step parenting. There is somethat has been weighing on me.
Im engaged to a pretty awesome guy, he has 2 kids and i have 2 kids of my own, I have been involved in their life just as much as my BS. My fiance works second shift, i was trying to help him out by watching his kids on his nights and when i didnt have his kids, i had mine. All of our children are active in sports, so i was running my kids to practice and taking his kids to practice too. I was starting to burn out, i work 4am to 12pm so i am exhausted, and on top of that i had 2 fridays a month to myself. So this is where it gets hard for me, my SD was diagnosed with Lymphoma 3 days before christmas. This was so difficult, now our world has turned upside down, i was accompying my fiance to her appointments along with BM. I have taken SD to the emergency room when she spiked a temp. I was extremely acitve with my SS sports along with my BS sports. So where this is heading is that BM has been a high confict BM. She didnt offer any help when i was running here and there, she didnt accompany her daughter to the emergency room. She wasnt with her when she started her first chemo treatment and had her mom or my fiance stay with D while she was at the hospital. I am totally hurt about some things she has said about me in last couple weeks, she was twisting her kids minds and trying to get info from her kids about what goes on at my house, she took her kids every night now and claims its because i didnt hold the end of my bargin by watching them on my fiances nights. Now she is complaining that she has them all the time and she cant get anything done, when she wanted this. she has made comments that i cant handle her kids and that im weak. I know i shouldnt let her rent space in my head but im so mad! I have helped out so much that i started to resent their kids.
Now my question is, is it my responsiblity for their kids on my fiances nights? i have my own that i need to care for as well.
Is this going to be forever, this high conflict biomom?
What do i do? Do i stand up to her or do i let it go?
I cant do it anymore, and im afaid its going to put a wedge between me and my fiance.
Should my fiance stand up for me or is it ok that he just let it roll off his back?
Im going crazy, to me its not ablout looking like supermom, i genuinly care. Please help!
I'll answer, but you may not
I'll answer, but you may not like my responses; however, this is from someone who has been a SM for close to 20 years.
"Now my question is, is it my responsibility for their kids on my fiancés nights? I have my own that I need to care for as well." Answer: Absolutely not. These are not your children. They are BM and bio-dad's, and it doesn’t matter if dad has an unusual shift or not. If you were not there, what would they do then? And, as you say, you have your own kids to care for.
"Is this going to be forever, this high conflict biomom?" Answer: More than likely Yes. GUBMs rarely change, as it is supposed to be all about them getting the attention they think they deserve. In order to change, you have to admit there is something wrong with your behavior in the 1st place, and these types of BMs never think anything they do is wrong or even inappropriate.
"What do I do? Do I stand up to her or do I let it go?" Answer: You stand up to your BF. You have little to nothing to do with BM. You are not connected to/dating BM.
"I can’t do it anymore, and I’m afraid it’s going to put a wedge between me and my fiancé." Answer: You should have never been expected to do it in the 1st place. Your fiancé is the one “dumping” his own children on you. He is the wedge driver, and not you.
"Should my fiancé stand up for me or is it ok that he just let it roll off his back?" Answer: Your fiancé should definitely be standing up for you as his GF, and if you get married, he should be standing up for you as his wife. Within reason, of course. He should also be parenting his children and not expecting you to do so in the least.
"I’m going crazy, to me it’s not about looking like supermom, I genuinely care." Answer: It should never be any woman’s goal to be supermom. That’s just plain nuts. Your role is to be a GF to your BF, at this point. Your role is NOT to rescue multiple members of a highly? dysfunctional family. In addition, you will not garner any appreciation for this, and more than likely will instead wind up being ganged on, for “not minding your place." That’s right, SPs are often expected to somehow save the initial family from their own dysfunction, do whatever they are told, and then their big thanks winds up being labeled Evil SM, for either allegedly trying to take BM’s place or when the family falls apart due to dysfunction that was (more than likely) there long before SM came along. Doesn’t matter if BM is a total nut case. She’ll be seen as a heroine regardless by pretty much all, because she is BM.
Perfect answers
I have been carrying this guilt around, I feel like this is my fault because i cant handle four kids on my own, Its draining.
Welcome to the site!
Idvilen gave very good answers - and gave the advice that most of us on the site would give you.
My boyfriend does the same
My boyfriend does the same thing to me. Dumps his kid on me every single time she comes to visit. It's my job to watch her and take care of her. You're the woman you're her stepmom he says. This is what I am supposed to do in his eyes. It is absolutely not. It's like they are really looking for a fuckable babysitter when they are dating. I don't get it. Why am I expected to do everything that you should be doing as the parent. And don't get me wrong I love his daughter but I get tired and I have started to resent her as well because of what he has put me through. It's terrible.
is it my responsiblity for
is it my responsiblity for their kids on my fiances nights?
Nope.
Im really struggling
I am really struggling with this, i dont know why. I confronted bio mom through txt today, and no response???
Yeah, that will get you
Yeah, that will get you nowhere. She does not care if you are inconvenienced by HER kids, probably enjoys it.
Stop helping him out. When he's not home, his kids should not be there, you are not the babysitter, you are not the parent. They are NOT your responsibility.
If your BF is not home to parent his kids
Those kids should be with BM or a babysitter. Not with you. This is the best times of a relationship, new to each other. Where do you think this is going ? He will be fishing his the boys. And you take care of his kids. You must set the ground rule NOW. Or all is lost
First right of refusal
Youve got your own bios right - so focus should be on them. Those are not your children so they are not your responsibility. Who is telling you they are?
Bio mother is getting a super-sweet deal, she should be buttering you up, but no, shes trying to pound you into the ground "you cant HANDLE it" "What kind of a WOMAN are you" "You think you want to get married, well you KNOW what you signed up for".
Please do not allow yourself to be sucked into the faulty logic.