No. BM is friendly with DH, but she has no interest in him as a romantic partner. She is happily remarried, and she and DH married in the first place because she was pregnant after just a few months of sort-of dating. DH describes their marriage as a business arrangement, and she was the one who left him, after cheating on him multiple times. So this is one thing I don't feel the need to worry about with BM.
I would not be at all comfortable if I got that vibe, though, and I'd probably insist that contact and communication be kept to the bare minimum required to parent the kids.
My DH insists that he has no feelings for her, but it seems like he will do whatever she asks. Maybe its him trying to keep the peace, but she just seems all in our buisness. I feel like she knows what she lost and may say shes not interested, but i just get that feeling. I also have come from a really bad previous marriage, and its hard to trust even my own instincts.
My DH often does what BM wants because he doesn't like conflict and takes the path of least resistance. But I say go with your gut, even if they say otherwise.
When DH and I first started dating, BM ABSOLUTELY did! She tried to get him to do drop offs alone, talk on the phone about her, sent old pictures & time hops... Basically anything to reminensce. DH knew she was just being desperate. He got a restraining order due to the constant harrassing text messages. He saw through that it was always when she was "off again" with the current boyfriend. Always seeking drama and attention, from anyone she can. Classic attention whore. Well, just whore in general.
Seems as of late she has moved on and realized that we have been married 2 years and I'm not going anywhere.
this is exactly how BM acts!!!!! drop offs alone, pics, everything.
i wish BF would get a restraining order. know he won't. so i moreso wish that she would find someone and just MOVE ON. don't really have tons to say but i totally am where you were. and it's a nightmare.
hang in there, she will eventually find a new "flavor of the week"
DH was always super transparent with their texts and phone calls... it absolutely bothered me with her TOTAL disregard for our relationship, but he made me feel better about it.
BM over here didn't have feelings for DH but she wanted him back for his paycheck and childcare. I knew DH didn't have feelings for her but it was a nuisance putting up with BM's plots to get DH to go back to her.
However, my DH did not do whatever BM asked. I would have been gone had that been the case.
The Spermidiot played this idiot crap periodically during the early years that SS-27 had SpermLand visitation. "Does your mom still love me? whaaaaaa."
He would occassionally call DW crying about missing his family. DW would laugh at him and ask if he wanted to speak to his son.
As SS got older he learned to identify the Spermidiot's pathetic emotional victim manipulations and would call the Spermidiot up on his cry baby crap, explain that his mom and dad loved each other very much and had been married for a very long time and that if the Spermidiot had not proven himself to be such a POS that even then he would have had no chance of making a life wth his mom.
Some people are the mistake of youth for someone of quality and the quality individual cannot and should not sacrifice their own life for a POS.
Any POS who has feelings for their quality former partner, is too stupid to recognize their status as a turd. Good riddance to that POS being long in the past of a quality person. Too bad the Skids have a much harder time putting that crap behind them.
SO has admitted that BM always saw him as a "back burner" Then I started pointing out the shoulder to cry on, the infamous "we were suppose to be friends FoReVeRrRrR!!" List goes on.
I don't know if it's necessarily feelings but, the idea of having control over them for all eternity. BM started trying getting in between SO and I when she saw, us going on vacation, skids happy, SO happy, and I wasn't going anywhere. She was feeling threatened by the loss of control she was losing over SO. Never about skids. That's when she started saying I shouldn't be doing x,y,z. Well guess what lady... can't control me hahaha.
Anyways, a lot of BMs I've read about have moved on, remarried etc but still hold this sense of I should have control over my ex husband. I've stated this before most of them seem to be the reason of their divorces yet, they can't mentally accept their ex husbands with and happy with someone else.
Yep! Too many, “Still hold this sense of I should have control over my ex-husband.” Add this to DHs that want to take the easy way out at the moment, which usually winds up being the hard way down the road, and you have step hell for SM and SM being treated as and feeling like sloppy seconds vs. her DH’s wife or SO.
It is a big, big issue for SMs, and one where society pretty much backs up BM and bio-dad on. Rather than seeing it as they should, as an ex- ridiculously trying to control/ manipulate her ex- along with his new partner, it is seen as poor-BM. Take Betty Broderick, for instance. Yep! You can kill two people and still get empathy if you are a “stressed” BM, despite that three decades later she is still unapologetic.
Bio-dads, on the other hand, are supposed to basically forever lick the boots of the mother of their children. Their children are always supposed to “come first,” to the point of giving Little Timmy or Tammy everything they ever wanted. Good divorced dads, according to most, spend the rest of their lives trying to make it up to their kids that the divorce ever took place, even if BM was the one who wanted it so.
So, WHERE IS SM in all of this!? I totally get that divorce sucks and can be a hell, but how does someone else choosing to divorce translate into that I, an innocent party, am supposed to suck it up and take it, take the high road, not "interfere" to the point of sacrificing my own marriage if need be, put up with BM being a demanding be.atch if need be, learn to “just accept” that BM gets to take over my wife role anytime she wants, put up with a Disney-dad; and, meanwhile cook, clean, be a free babysitter, bank, taxi, servant, and so on for BM and bio-dad's children ALL because this BM and bio-dad chose to divorce!? WHAT THE H-?
So, given the above, any SM has to look out for herself, go with her gut, and do what works for her, because no one else will be looking out for her (even her own DH many a time). Go with your gut! Since society thinks that BM and bio-dad are supposed to be “friends” after the divorce, BM and bio-dad could literally be banging each other in the garage EOWE and a SM will still be told it is all in her head. Sure, you’ll hear you are insecure, jealous, and so on. But, damn, what you are really trying to do is get as close to a near-normal marriage as possible. In no other marriage situation, unless you are into polygamy, would any wife or SO even remotely be expected to put up with an ever-present annoying, if not controlling ex-. So, tell ‘em all to go to H- and do what works for you!
This may be going off topic but, I also wonder what the new spouses think of their wives (BM) doing what they do. Do they know? Don't care? Clueless?
I would never do this but for example...
Even though BM went on a rampage to get me off school emails my email for SD rolled over into the middle school two years ago. SD rarely gets any emails from teachers directly. She's a good student. There have been a few to BM and I and BM forwards them to SO stating "these should have gone to HER!" Ok then call school. She hasn't. About two months ago one came through. (To her and I) SD forgot to turn something in.
Now, this is what happens.. BM not only response to the teacher and I (she tries to sound envolved) and signs the email her first and SOs last name. OK.. here's the kicker. BM is remarried, her social media accounts have her new last name, the email account had her new last name but she signed it with her old last name. She did this to jab at me. I'm not dumb. I sooooo wanted to screen shot it, send it to her husband and say..do you know your wife is still using SOs last name??? Like I said.. would never do it but so wanted too haha.
Far too many people in blended family marriages abdicate their position of authority in their marriage and sacrifice themselves on the alter of SParental martyrdom to the prior failed family that just won't stay dead.
Both partners in the new marriage must recognize that their priority is each other and their marriage which takes precedence over anything and everything to do with the failed family that either of them may have been in.
Any members of a failed family that attempt to interfere in the new marriage and new family made by that marriage must be kept in their place or feel the pain of their poor choice to interfere.
Also i find that a lot of divorced parents seem to get this skewed view of what parenting should be after divorce. There was a post about a SMs DH going to every doctor's appointment for their child with BM, even routine check-ups. Or the SM whose DH and BM both attend every sports practice for the kids, no matter who has the kids on that day. Or the ones who talk multiple times a day about the kids after their divorce. Most married couples don't even do these things, but after divorce it's like they feel pressured to prove what awesome parents and coparents they are. It becomes like an obsessive compulsive thing or they become "parent martyrs" to prove they at least are still good parents. But I think all this hovering and obsessing over them is actually not good for the kids. And it's hell for a subsequent relationship. I think it's selfishness on the part of the bioparents because they are still putting their need to feel like the "awesome parent" above the actual needs of the kids. Or they just become so warped they don't know anymore.
I don't know I wouldn't call it "feelings"' like attraction and love.....but feelings of wanting too control him...100 percent yes. Feelings of thinking they were together for 25 years and he should not have divorced her just because of that.....
About there ex. " G dear, I am still in love with my ex" will not go over well in your relationship. Its the catch words / actions. ITS FOR THE KIDS. Or we should do JOINT PARTIES. Can the ex come over to open Christmas presents, so we can play the old HAPPY FAMILY game.
Yes. However my SO would entertain the idea to get money, babysitting, groceries, labor, etc. from the ex. So in a sense I could not blame the ex for being misled. The SO usually bares most of the responsibility for this, not the ex.
Coz as first I thought his ex still had feels but then realised it wasn't feels, it was just narc claws, ie you will hear my cry over my dying grandad, you will babysit my child Coz I wanna control you, I don't have a bf to bother....
im confident to say it wouldnt be romantic feelings for him ,, its a form of still having control over him. Your partner needs to retrieve his balls from the ex and get a spine and stop doing things for her out of fear. Go with him if he goes to collect his kid and just hang around like a bad smell,, the ex wont like this but just be mature and cordial to her
And does everything she can to sabotage him. Really, I've been neutral about her in the first period I was with him because I didn't want to believe she was as bad as he said, but now two years in I KNOW she is.
She is still butthurt about the divorce (it's 7 years ago already!) and she will do everything she can to sabotage my husband even if it screws over the kids. She really needs to see a therapist, but she considers herself the perfect mom who never did anything wrong so she does not need help. It's very exhausting.
My mom was like this with SpermGrandHag. My mom was neutral on SpermGrandHag and could not believe how toxic and shrieking banshee she could be. My mom would occasionally comment on her plans to bond with SpermGrandHag as grand mothers. My mom would shake her head and comment that the Hag could not be that bad.
Then... my parents were visiting one Thanksgiving when SpermGrandHag was shrieking and screaming at my DW during a discussion on Winter visitation travel arrangements. My mom took the phone from my DW laid into SpermGrandHag, told her she would not speak to my mom's daughter that way and then hung up. Mom then hugged my DW and apologized for not understanding SpermGrandHag's true nature and for not having my DW's back for the years my mom was optimistic about the SpermClan.
SpermGrandHag was irate for the better part of two decades that my DW dumped her precious son and that my DW had left with SS keeping them both far beyond SpermGrandHag's control. The Hag had zero cognizance regarding her idiot son's criminal aspirations of Gang Banger prominence, serial career as a statutory rapist, spawning 4 kids by 3 different baby mamas that he refused to support or raise, and expecting SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa to house him, provide him with vehicles, pay his CS obligations and raise his kids with no help from him.
Ok, so here is my take on things. Im a few years into this.
When I first got together with DH as in having a monogamous relationship and spending most nights with him, BM still had some soet of "attachment", and would somehow get him to "do things" for her "for the children". He said he was doing it to keep her "nice" when the divorce proceedings hadnt happened yet, and he was fearing her wrath.
Come to find out that they had still been physically intimate while they were"transitioning". Ewe. She was dating heavliy during that time, and then acquired tweedle dum. But there was always something in the back of my mind. Like she still sort of treated him like he was her husband simply because they were still connected because of the children they continued to sort of co-parent. There was no "clean break".
NOW, things are different, we are married 2 years now, his divorce is several years ago. I think now that they were severely co-dependant, because that is her current pattern with her children. Shes created one Feral Forger, who is completely unable to cope with the real world, doesnt have a drivers license, no job and mooches. SD 14 feels like she has to "take care" of her mother. Like shes the parent. Its weird.
But any feelings of attraction - Im no contact with her. All I know is that she would have stayed with him and gotten back together except she wanted an open marriage and he did not. Among other things...
really struggling with this at the moment. She's turning up at his mum and dad house with the kids, turning up when she knows I'm going to a gym class, contacting him to check things she already knows, sending emojis on her msgs (which I do not agree with as this never happened before)
he thinks she's over him hence now being friendly. Funny how she doesn't contact me when I have the kids though eh! Which is probably 80 % more than him at the moment due to corona virus. Eugh! X
No. BM is friendly with DH,
No. BM is friendly with DH, but she has no interest in him as a romantic partner. She is happily remarried, and she and DH married in the first place because she was pregnant after just a few months of sort-of dating. DH describes their marriage as a business arrangement, and she was the one who left him, after cheating on him multiple times. So this is one thing I don't feel the need to worry about with BM.
I would not be at all comfortable if I got that vibe, though, and I'd probably insist that contact and communication be kept to the bare minimum required to parent the kids.
My DH insists that he has no
My DH insists that he has no feelings for her, but it seems like he will do whatever she asks. Maybe its him trying to keep the peace, but she just seems all in our buisness. I feel like she knows what she lost and may say shes not interested, but i just get that feeling. I also have come from a really bad previous marriage, and its hard to trust even my own instincts.
My DH often does what BM
My DH often does what BM wants because he doesn't like conflict and takes the path of least resistance. But I say go with your gut, even if they say otherwise.
When DH and I first started
When DH and I first started dating, BM ABSOLUTELY did! She tried to get him to do drop offs alone, talk on the phone about her, sent old pictures & time hops... Basically anything to reminensce. DH knew she was just being desperate. He got a restraining order due to the constant harrassing text messages. He saw through that it was always when she was "off again" with the current boyfriend. Always seeking drama and attention, from anyone she can. Classic attention whore. Well, just whore in general.
Seems as of late she has moved on and realized that we have been married 2 years and I'm not going anywhere.
this is exactly how BM acts!!
this is exactly how BM acts!!!!! drop offs alone, pics, everything.
i wish BF would get a restraining order. know he won't. so i moreso wish that she would find someone and just MOVE ON. don't really have tons to say but i totally am where you were. and it's a nightmare.
hang in there, she will
hang in there, she will eventually find a new "flavor of the week"
DH was always super transparent with their texts and phone calls... it absolutely bothered me with her TOTAL disregard for our relationship, but he made me feel better about it.
BM over here didn't have
BM over here didn't have feelings for DH but she wanted him back for his paycheck and childcare. I knew DH didn't have feelings for her but it was a nuisance putting up with BM's plots to get DH to go back to her.
However, my DH did not do whatever BM asked. I would have been gone had that been the case.
The Spermidiot played this
The Spermidiot played this idiot crap periodically during the early years that SS-27 had SpermLand visitation. "Does your mom still love me? whaaaaaa."
He would occassionally call DW crying about missing his family. DW would laugh at him and ask if he wanted to speak to his son.
As SS got older he learned to identify the Spermidiot's pathetic emotional victim manipulations and would call the Spermidiot up on his cry baby crap, explain that his mom and dad loved each other very much and had been married for a very long time and that if the Spermidiot had not proven himself to be such a POS that even then he would have had no chance of making a life wth his mom.
Some people are the mistake of youth for someone of quality and the quality individual cannot and should not sacrifice their own life for a POS.
Any POS who has feelings for their quality former partner, is too stupid to recognize their status as a turd. Good riddance to that POS being long in the past of a quality person. Too bad the Skids have a much harder time putting that crap behind them.
IMHO of course
SO has admitted that BM
SO has admitted that BM always saw him as a "back burner" Then I started pointing out the shoulder to cry on, the infamous "we were suppose to be friends FoReVeRrRrR!!" List goes on.
I don't know if it's necessarily feelings but, the idea of having control over them for all eternity. BM started trying getting in between SO and I when she saw, us going on vacation, skids happy, SO happy, and I wasn't going anywhere. She was feeling threatened by the loss of control she was losing over SO. Never about skids. That's when she started saying I shouldn't be doing x,y,z. Well guess what lady... can't control me hahaha.
Anyways, a lot of BMs I've read about have moved on, remarried etc but still hold this sense of I should have control over my ex husband. I've stated this before most of them seem to be the reason of their divorces yet, they can't mentally accept their ex husbands with and happy with someone else.
Yep! Too many, “Still hold
Yep! Too many, “Still hold this sense of I should have control over my ex-husband.” Add this to DHs that want to take the easy way out at the moment, which usually winds up being the hard way down the road, and you have step hell for SM and SM being treated as and feeling like sloppy seconds vs. her DH’s wife or SO.
It is a big, big issue for SMs, and one where society pretty much backs up BM and bio-dad on. Rather than seeing it as they should, as an ex- ridiculously trying to control/ manipulate her ex- along with his new partner, it is seen as poor-BM. Take Betty Broderick, for instance. Yep! You can kill two people and still get empathy if you are a “stressed” BM, despite that three decades later she is still unapologetic.
Bio-dads, on the other hand, are supposed to basically forever lick the boots of the mother of their children. Their children are always supposed to “come first,” to the point of giving Little Timmy or Tammy everything they ever wanted. Good divorced dads, according to most, spend the rest of their lives trying to make it up to their kids that the divorce ever took place, even if BM was the one who wanted it so.
So, WHERE IS SM in all of this!? I totally get that divorce sucks and can be a hell, but how does someone else choosing to divorce translate into that I, an innocent party, am supposed to suck it up and take it, take the high road, not "interfere" to the point of sacrificing my own marriage if need be, put up with BM being a demanding be.atch if need be, learn to “just accept” that BM gets to take over my wife role anytime she wants, put up with a Disney-dad; and, meanwhile cook, clean, be a free babysitter, bank, taxi, servant, and so on for BM and bio-dad's children ALL because this BM and bio-dad chose to divorce!? WHAT THE H-?
So, given the above, any SM has to look out for herself, go with her gut, and do what works for her, because no one else will be looking out for her (even her own DH many a time). Go with your gut! Since society thinks that BM and bio-dad are supposed to be “friends” after the divorce, BM and bio-dad could literally be banging each other in the garage EOWE and a SM will still be told it is all in her head. Sure, you’ll hear you are insecure, jealous, and so on. But, damn, what you are really trying to do is get as close to a near-normal marriage as possible. In no other marriage situation, unless you are into polygamy, would any wife or SO even remotely be expected to put up with an ever-present annoying, if not controlling ex-. So, tell ‘em all to go to H- and do what works for you!
This may be going off topic
This may be going off topic but, I also wonder what the new spouses think of their wives (BM) doing what they do. Do they know? Don't care? Clueless?
I would never do this but for example...
Even though BM went on a rampage to get me off school emails my email for SD rolled over into the middle school two years ago. SD rarely gets any emails from teachers directly. She's a good student. There have been a few to BM and I and BM forwards them to SO stating "these should have gone to HER!" Ok then call school. She hasn't. About two months ago one came through. (To her and I) SD forgot to turn something in.
Now, this is what happens.. BM not only response to the teacher and I (she tries to sound envolved) and signs the email her first and SOs last name. OK.. here's the kicker. BM is remarried, her social media accounts have her new last name, the email account had her new last name but she signed it with her old last name. She did this to jab at me. I'm not dumb. I sooooo wanted to screen shot it, send it to her husband and say..do you know your wife is still using SOs last name??? Like I said.. would never do it but so wanted too haha.
Absolutely.
Bravo!
Far too many people in blended family marriages abdicate their position of authority in their marriage and sacrifice themselves on the alter of SParental martyrdom to the prior failed family that just won't stay dead.
Both partners in the new marriage must recognize that their priority is each other and their marriage which takes precedence over anything and everything to do with the failed family that either of them may have been in.
Any members of a failed family that attempt to interfere in the new marriage and new family made by that marriage must be kept in their place or feel the pain of their poor choice to interfere.
IMHO of course.
Also i find that a lot of
Also i find that a lot of divorced parents seem to get this skewed view of what parenting should be after divorce. There was a post about a SMs DH going to every doctor's appointment for their child with BM, even routine check-ups. Or the SM whose DH and BM both attend every sports practice for the kids, no matter who has the kids on that day. Or the ones who talk multiple times a day about the kids after their divorce. Most married couples don't even do these things, but after divorce it's like they feel pressured to prove what awesome parents and coparents they are. It becomes like an obsessive compulsive thing or they become "parent martyrs" to prove they at least are still good parents. But I think all this hovering and obsessing over them is actually not good for the kids. And it's hell for a subsequent relationship. I think it's selfishness on the part of the bioparents because they are still putting their need to feel like the "awesome parent" above the actual needs of the kids. Or they just become so warped they don't know anymore.
I don't know I wouldn't call
I don't know I wouldn't call it "feelings"' like attraction and love.....but feelings of wanting too control him...100 percent yes. Feelings of thinking they were together for 25 years and he should not have divorced her just because of that.....
Your SO is the last person to tell you of there feeling
About there ex. " G dear, I am still in love with my ex" will not go over well in your relationship. Its the catch words / actions. ITS FOR THE KIDS. Or we should do JOINT PARTIES. Can the ex come over to open Christmas presents, so we can play the old HAPPY FAMILY game.
Yes. However my SO would
Yes. However my SO would entertain the idea to get money, babysitting, groceries, labor, etc. from the ex. So in a sense I could not blame the ex for being misled. The SO usually bares most of the responsibility for this, not the ex.
More details?
Can you give us an example?
Coz as first I thought his ex still had feels but then realised it wasn't feels, it was just narc claws, ie you will hear my cry over my dying grandad, you will babysit my child Coz I wanna control you, I don't have a bf to bother....
What's the scenario?
im confident to say it
im confident to say it wouldnt be romantic feelings for him ,, its a form of still having control over him. Your partner needs to retrieve his balls from the ex and get a spine and stop doing things for her out of fear. Go with him if he goes to collect his kid and just hang around like a bad smell,, the ex wont like this but just be mature and cordial to her
BM resents my husband
And does everything she can to sabotage him. Really, I've been neutral about her in the first period I was with him because I didn't want to believe she was as bad as he said, but now two years in I KNOW she is.
She is still butthurt about the divorce (it's 7 years ago already!) and she will do everything she can to sabotage my husband even if it screws over the kids. She really needs to see a therapist, but she considers herself the perfect mom who never did anything wrong so she does not need help. It's very exhausting.
My mom was like this with
My mom was like this with SpermGrandHag. My mom was neutral on SpermGrandHag and could not believe how toxic and shrieking banshee she could be. My mom would occasionally comment on her plans to bond with SpermGrandHag as grand mothers. My mom would shake her head and comment that the Hag could not be that bad.
Then... my parents were visiting one Thanksgiving when SpermGrandHag was shrieking and screaming at my DW during a discussion on Winter visitation travel arrangements. My mom took the phone from my DW laid into SpermGrandHag, told her she would not speak to my mom's daughter that way and then hung up. Mom then hugged my DW and apologized for not understanding SpermGrandHag's true nature and for not having my DW's back for the years my mom was optimistic about the SpermClan.
SpermGrandHag was irate for the better part of two decades that my DW dumped her precious son and that my DW had left with SS keeping them both far beyond SpermGrandHag's control. The Hag had zero cognizance regarding her idiot son's criminal aspirations of Gang Banger prominence, serial career as a statutory rapist, spawning 4 kids by 3 different baby mamas that he refused to support or raise, and expecting SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa to house him, provide him with vehicles, pay his CS obligations and raise his kids with no help from him.
Good for you for gaining clarity.
feelings, nothing more than feeeelings
Ok, so here is my take on things. Im a few years into this.
When I first got together with DH as in having a monogamous relationship and spending most nights with him, BM still had some soet of "attachment", and would somehow get him to "do things" for her "for the children". He said he was doing it to keep her "nice" when the divorce proceedings hadnt happened yet, and he was fearing her wrath.
Come to find out that they had still been physically intimate while they were"transitioning". Ewe. She was dating heavliy during that time, and then acquired tweedle dum. But there was always something in the back of my mind. Like she still sort of treated him like he was her husband simply because they were still connected because of the children they continued to sort of co-parent. There was no "clean break".
NOW, things are different, we are married 2 years now, his divorce is several years ago. I think now that they were severely co-dependant, because that is her current pattern with her children. Shes created one Feral Forger, who is completely unable to cope with the real world, doesnt have a drivers license, no job and mooches. SD 14 feels like she has to "take care" of her mother. Like shes the parent. Its weird.
But any feelings of attraction - Im no contact with her. All I know is that she would have stayed with him and gotten back together except she wanted an open marriage and he did not. Among other things...
When did you find out? After
When did you find out? After marriage or while you were dating?
Amen Sister!
All. The. Time.
she knows what she is missing!
really struggling with this at the moment. She's turning up at his mum and dad house with the kids, turning up when she knows I'm going to a gym class, contacting him to check things she already knows, sending emojis on her msgs (which I do not agree with as this never happened before)
he thinks she's over him hence now being friendly. Funny how she doesn't contact me when I have the kids though eh! Which is probably 80 % more than him at the moment due to corona virus. Eugh! X
Her crap definately does not
Her crap definately does not pass the smell test of reasonableness. The stench of manipulation if overwhelming.