I am up to my eyeballs
I have a three year old SD whom I cannot, no matter how much I TRY, get on with. She lives with her mother on a permanent basis, but comes to us for two weeks at a time. My anger towards this child is terrible and when she is here, my fiancé turns into a totally different person and its almost as if I do not exist! I have researched every basis possible to try and figure out why I feel this way and what I can do to change it, but to no avail! She is allowed to get away with MURDER when she is with us and sleeps in our bed with us (which I loath) so needless to say for two weeks I feel like a walking zombie! There is no specified bedtime for her and she is allowed to watch kids programmes until way past nine in the evening... I am not allowed to discipline her (which I find HIGHLY unfair) but am expected to put in love and attention to a child that I had NO part in making!! I absolutely HATE the NEGATIVE feelings that I harbour when she is with us and feel like an aweful human being for feeling this way...I have no children of my own... I have expressed my feelings to my fiancé and actually told him that I do not love his child, but that I am sure those feelings will change with TIME... and yet the subject of loving this kid is a HUGE issue... I actually cannot take it. The Skids mother is very young and very stupid (I cannot communicate with someone who doesn't have a brain)and she is another person I cannot stand. Whenever She sends the skid to us, she is sick and I have to take time off work to take her to the Dr AND pay for the Dr visit and meds!!?? WTF? My ffiance has no issue taking time off work to spend with his child during the week but when I ask if we can spend time together its always "no, I cant get off work". I am tired, emotional and terribly confused by these messed up feelings..
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^^^^^THIS
^^^^^THIS 10000000000X^^^^^
he has GOT to give up the cosleeping. it took almost 5 years for my DH to give it up and could not understand why it made me so uncomfortable that i would be up on the couch watching tv all night long. lemme tell u, sleep deprivation is a SHITTY thing, it turns you into a gripe-y bitch.
does he realize that it has been used in countless countries throughout history as an INCREDIBLY effective torture method? and does he realize he's doing it to YOU?
your fiance needs to set appropriate boundaries. how old is he? maybe a parenting/fatherhood class might do him some good.
none of this is sd's fault. this is squarely on your dh. one thing too that u'll have to accept is that THIS IS being a stepparent. it's hard, it requires trial and error and keeping at it until u find something that works. he WILL act differently around sd. read around this site, read the books Stepmonster and Divorce Poison, know that you will have an impact on the childhood of this little girl, and decide if this is a choice you really want to make. dont choose w/ your heart, choose with your head- be informed.
my skids know that i CHOSE to have them in my life. that was my choice, willingly, with my eyes wide open.
You feel this way because
You feel this way because your fiancé is being a moron and incredibly disrespectful to you. He wants you to take responsibility for His kid (dr appts, paying) but to have no authority in your home. He wants his cake and to eat it too. So of course. You are becoming increasingly resentful.
Btw, Don't think you are going to come to love sd "with time" if her dad is going to be this kind of parent. You won't. You will continue to be resentful and angry. You will continue to not appreciate the way this child behaves and dislike being around her. Particularly as she gets old and understands that she can do whatever she wants. Her teen years will be hell.
Her dad is doing her no favors. And he is the one that needs to be dealt with here. Just a mom is right - all of this is on your fiancé, not the 3 year old. It sounds like he has unreasonable expectations (you need to Love his child) and that he is a lazy, Disney parent. If he sees no reason to change even after you've told him how you feel, this will not get any better.
You should not be the one taking care of the sick kid, taking her to the dr,paying for the meds. You should not be the one dealing with the kid's mother at all. And personally, there is No Way I would be sleeping in the same bed with someone else's kid. Particularly if it meant I wasn't sleeping.
Your feelings aren't messed up. Your fiancé is messed up, his parenting is messed up and your relationship sounds pretty messed up as you are being disrespected and used the way things stand. Your feelings are perfectly normal. You have to decide what you're willing to live with, talk to your guy about it and see what he's willing to live with or change and then decide if that is acceptable to you. SD is 3 - she's not going anywhere any time soon and there is Always the possibility that she could wind up in your home full time. So consider your options and consider what you want your life to be. If he's unwilling to change, and the lazy, guilty, Disney parents often are, you have to decide if this is what you can live with forever. Cause they don't go away once they're adults either....
The 3 year old sounds like an
The 3 year old sounds like an indulged three year old, your fiance sounds like a lousy parent and partner. Your issue lies with him not with a baby.
Chances are he wont change, and more then likely this will get worse. So before you marry him you may want to think long and hard.
Run. Unless you can talk some
Run. Unless you can talk some sense into your doofus.
Run away. Very rarely will
Run away. Very rarely will the dads change if they're like this. DH was sort of like this, no where near as bad, and it took me, my brother in law, and his parents to make him figure out that stuff like this isn't appropriate.
All comments appreciated.
All comments appreciated. Yes, I guess I am more angry at him than at her, but unfortunately it comes out negatively towards the kid. I have spoken to him about the sleeping in our bed, the discipline. I absolutely agree that the child needs a routine and some structure in her life... and I am more than willing to give it, if it was afforded to me. Again, because the kid comes from a 'broken home' everyone tip toes around her like she will break if she is disciplined (even by parents...). His change in attitude toward me when she is down is just plain weird for me...and hurtful in a number of ways...
I agree "Aeron"... it was a big slap in the face for me when he brought her into our bed and had no issue that I wasn't getting enough sleep (hence, me sleeping on the couch). This came after a request by him if I would bath with the child. When I told him that I did not feel comfortable AT ALL bathing with her, but that I would BATH her, it was an issue... I don't feel bad about saying no, because this is not my child, but his reaction was a little surprising.
She has her own room (own bed too), with all her toys, books etc... she is used to sleeping in the bed with BM and her boyfriend... I am sorry but that DOES NOT fly with me... when BM heard that I have tried to let her sleep in her own room, she flies off the handle at DH. I feel: MY house MY rules. I don't think that this is unreasonable? I WANT to try and create structure for this child, but as I said its not easy when ones efforts are thwarted at every turn. The child has asthma (as do I) and she is incredibly overweight for her age, which does not help the asthma situation. This comes from her throwing a tantrum and to get her to stop she is offered sweets :jawdrop: I agree that the parents (BOTH of them) are creating a future brat.
What is a reasonable bedtime for a three year old? I expect her to be in bed by 7:30 and asleep (after I have read her a story) by 8:00... do you think this is acceptable? The reason I ask is that the kid is allowed to watch kids programmes until at least 8:30 (sometimes even 9:00), by which time she is irritable and unruly and kicks and screams (which is more often than not accompanied by a chocolate :? ) when I tell her its time for bed.. and it takes a further half hour to get her to calm down...
Apologies for being naïve, but what is a "Disney parent"? I am from South Africa and have not heard that term before.
Again, thank you for all the feedback. Its great to have some truthful, honest communication!