ya know, I left my daughter's father when she was 7 (well, he actually refused to move south with us, couldn't leave his mother. ahem). Took us a few yrs to get divorced, found some way to arrange her visits north to him (before email and txts, he would not fly down here) and basically have not spoken two words to each other in 12 or 13 years. It's wonderful. No need to communicate with him. It confuses me that my DH now, with 5 adult kids, still is tethered to his X. Mostly driven by her (but he has been allowing it?). She creates some need to communicate with him (mostly, still, to tell him how to relate to those 5 adult kids?) Feels logical to me to be done with the X interfering in relationship w adult kids.

My ex and I didn't work out..but it doesn't mean we can't be friends. We shared a lot of life between the ages of 16 and 37. I don't want a romantic relationship with him...but it doesn't mean we can't have some sort of working relationship. I have different types of relationships with lots of people I don't want to be romantically involved with. There is only one person that gets that level of relationship...my new husband.

My ex and I didn't work out..but it doesn't mean we can't be friends. We shared a lot of life between the ages of 16 and 37. I don't want a romantic relationship with him...but it doesn't mean we can't have some sort of working relationship. I have different types of relationships with lots of people I don't want to be romantically involved with. There is only one person that gets that level of relationship...my new husband.

HAHAHA. I completely agree. It seems as if BMs want to stay in contact for some ungodly reason.

In our case, BM left my now husband when SS was 1 for another man. She is living in this other man's grandmother's house with his family (brother, his brothers kids, his mom and his grandmother) even though they terminated their engagement.
Ever since things started going south with her new man, the phone calls became a little more frequent. I was usually too tired taking care of our BD to really care- but I did let my opinion be known and while the "friend" texts haven't stopped, they've certainly dimished.
But I'll never understand why she feels the need to inform my husband of these things, but the bigger mystery is why my husband goes along with it...

SO... my ex was at my house tonight, with my oldest son, picking up some furniture that I didn't want anymore. I asked son first, he didn't want it, then I asked ex, because it originated with him. I didn't care where it ended up, just wanted it out of my space. Ex and I are friends and have no animosity toward each other. we are both remarried and all get along fine. i guess we have some relationship because we were together for 20 years. that's a long time. we loved each other once, then agreed to let each other go find the 'right' one. no ill will here.

yeah same here....No conversation needed with the father of my 3 kids except to scream once a year or so...'where's my money'

He is in arrears thousands for CS.

The marriage is defunct, the relationship is over, you dont go talking with ex's full stop. It works better for all concerned that way.

And it dont confuse your kids into thinking that you may get back together again...

No speak no hate and no bitterness needs to be exhibited....geez...imagine if we all had discussions with our exes...

Sorry...my post got caught up in the wrong spot.

OLD DART....yours is the type of situation that most of us on this site would prefer.

My ex and I are over trying to cause a reaction towards each other. What I mean, is that for a small period after divorce both parties feel the need for some revenge on the other and may call a few more times than needed, or do things that annoy the other Bio parent, and this will intensify when the other bio parent marries or takes on a new gf etc.

then you get over it....

In my situation my husband and I would love to live a peaceful life void of some screatching jealous crazy slutty BM who is hell bent on causing trouble....

IMHO she has no right to speak to my husband like she does...under the excuse of 'she has every entitlement to bc she is the golden uterus of his children'

She is still under the impression she can 'control' his life, and tell him what to do. THAT IS WRONG. When a BM thinks like this...NO CONVERSATION SHOULD BE ALLOWED...as the kids see and hear this crap and it doesnt help them at all.

It does seem unusual. I can see if the parents need to be in touch for the kids sake if the children are young, and still minors. The kids can benefit from seeing the parents getting along at least on an amicable business type level, for the sake of the kids - until they are grown - and then even after they are grown, but there is no need to be seeing one another (except at weddings, funerals, birth of grandchildren, graduations, etc...) after the kids are adults.

If your husband is still having a close ongoing relationship with his EX, and he knows this bothers you, this is very disrespectful to you.

I assume you have clearly told him you do not like his being in contact with his EX?

In my opinion, it boils down to this...

*I* am supposed to be my DH's support, best friend, etc. and he should be mine. But there are times, because he's introverted and not much of a talker, he isn't really into "discussing" things with me. But it hurts like hell to know he has friendly, animated conversations with the BM, and not necessarily about kids either.

Example: My mom had to go thru a series of tests because they found an abormal spot on her lung. I was devastated. Because my DH's mom had died from cancer, he felt uncomfortable and therefore seemed "disinterested" when I wanted to talk about it. That hurt. But not too long after that happened, BM's DH got "in trouble with the law" (ahem) and who was the first person she called? Yup, DH. And they spent like an hour on the phone while she cried on his "shoulder" and he consoled her.

So 2nd wife gets an uncomfortable silence when she needs some consolation, but BM gets full attention and lots of "it's gonna be OK... it'll all work out.... blah blah effin blah"

THAT is unacceptable (and I told him). I agree they have to have a working relationship because of the kids. But BFF's? UM, HELL NO.

There is a HUGE difference between the two types of relationships. I don't discuss with people at work the same things I discuss with my best friend (not the DH). There are boundaries there because they are two completely different levels of friendship. I think it should be the same with ex's (except for those who have a great relationsip and it works out for everyone). But the key is that everyone is OK with the situation. I think it's even worse when there is unadulterated animosity shown to SM by BM, yet DH is chummy chummy above and beyond that needed to "parent". That's the state I'm in.

"Of course we are SMs here for the most part - so it seems to me that it is the BMs who want the relationships."

I disagree, I am both a BM and an almost SM (BF and I live together but SS11 refuses to come to our house), XH and I spent 7yrs together (not long in the grand scheme of things) and shared many ups and downs in that time and yet my XH is an ex for a reason. Yes we still need to communicate and be civil for the kids, but beyond that I have no desire to have a relationship of any description with him. XH has the boys EOWe and the only time we communicate is for the kids, I dont tell him the trivial things that happen with our kids on a daily basis, and I would rather die than admit to him that I myt be short of cash for something for the kids, (he pays $60 pw CS for 2 kids) I work that shit out on my own, he pays his CS and i dont ask for any more. Even if my current BF and I were to split up (knock on wood we dont) that would not make me increase my level of contact with him, I left him for a reason and that reason hasnt gone away or changed.

I wonder if this sense of entitlement comes from BD leaving BM and not the other way around.

I left BD, he was shattered and didnt see it coming, I would like to think that if BD had left me, i would still be the same person I am now and not a Psycho BM but its hard to tell.

Do many of these BM's go psycho coz BD leaves them? then when they start a new life with someone else they get worse?

eg "YOU left ME so now you OWE ME"

in my case, not so much, BF's XW left him, and got nasty and psycho when she realised it was serious BTW me and BF eg "All of a sudden you want to play happy families with HER, I dont effing think so" BF does all the things with me that he never did with XW and even MiL asks him why he wants to play happy families now that we are together, but never wanted to with XW, BF's response was "because I am happy and I have something to come home to" LMAO wish I could have seen MiL's face at that point!!

LOL

Just to clarify, I am not laughing at you Mazzystar, I am laughing at your BM, I dont want to offend, and i apologise if it does!

"She behaves as if she's married to two men. One romantically, and one emotionally."

How utterly exhausting that must be, IMO one is enough to deal with, but thats just my opinion.

I cant wait for the day that XH moves on with someone else, as long as she is good to BS's I will welcome her with open arms!!

However, that is very insightful of you and i found myself relating this to BM, very definately a "lightbulb" moment for me!!