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Desprate for advice, heading for divorce?

whoiamthesedays's picture

Submitted by whoiamthesedays on Tue, 10/18/2011 - 6:43pm

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Blended Family Issues

Sad :O

hi, i really need some advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iam married, 2 and half years, together for almost 5, we have two girls together, 1 and 2, and he has two children to a previous partner 12 and 14. they live with here mum

my step daughter 12, is very sneaky and packs sads to get what she wants, every time she misbehaves my husband doesn't disipline her, she goes out of his way to do something with her. he told her awhile ago hed take her fishing, i said thats fine but she behave for a while first to earn it! but he took it upon hmself to ask her this weekend fishing after she has been misbehaving and was grounded from her mum(which is now changed) he didnt consult me, We are one family, i go out of my way to be there for step kids and cook, clean for them etc but get no say about what matters and how they are raised. iam really angry and very hurt, this keeps happening and iam at the point where iam ready to leave!!

whoiamthesedays's picture

Submitted by whoiamthesedays on Tue, 10/18/2011 - 8:09pm

thanks. to be honest id seriously consider if you are going to go through with getting married, because as the get older it gets harder, and if you haven't got kids together, you might be lucky. i know its hard when you love the person believe me. hope you sort your issue out too,

Dannee's picture

Submitted by Dannee on Sat, 11/26/2011 - 7:24pm

All the advice in the word is not going to change anything UNLESS you and your fiance are on
the same page with discipline. It is YOUR home and you should have equal say in everything.

What I find works the best is when my husband disciplines his children and I disipline mine.
Now don't get me wrong if my husband is not around I have no problem telling my skids what to do.

The thing is that my husband and I have the same values, morals, wants, respect...

You both need to be on the same page or in the future you will be divorced..

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Fri, 11/25/2011 - 7:14am

I am engaged now (supposed to marry in April if I make it until then). SD4 lives with us every other week for the full week. My fiance is like your DH when it comes to discipline. Since we "only" have her every other week, it's like a big party when she comes over. He wants her to have a good time the entire week and everything is all about her. No rules, no discipline, just fun. I have tried setting rules (nothing crazy, just normal house rules that any child should have, step or bio) but like you said, I have no say in what goes on in my own house. Unfortunatly, I have not found ANYTHING that has worked to change this and I am near my breaking point and seriously contemplating calling off the wedding. Believe me, I have many days where I just want to pack my bags and never look back, but I am in love. I'm sorry that is not really advice, but I definitely understand what you are going through.

jadedprincess's picture

Submitted by jadedprincess on Fri, 11/25/2011 - 8:01am

disengage dont worry about it its his child not yours.. i would tell him that if he wants to have a co-parent in the house then he needs to consult you with decisions. also point out that if the child comes over grounded the child needs to remain grounded. if you are on good terms with BM i would suggest calling her and trying to set up a group meeting so everyone is on the same page where child is concerned. the boundries need to be the same all the time same rules ect all dh is doing is making a spoiled brat

giveitago's picture

Submitted by giveitago on Fri, 11/25/2011 - 8:23am

I'd let it roll off your back, if she's grounded at your house it's a sure thing she will not be grounded when she goes back to BM!
I found that telling DH what I felt about the situation, we had similar stuff going on, was a waste of time. He'd get defensive and angry, guilty daddy stuff, and they got away with far too much bullshit...NO consequences issued! DH is passive too, like he'd expect them to read his mind while he did the 'setting example thing with school etc.' I tried to reason with him that they were kids and would take a mile if given an inch.
The best thing I did was to disengage, with hindsight I wish I had not waited so long to do that!
I did not sever bonds with the SKids though, I just made them go to daddy if they asked me for anything. I left their stuff lying in the bathroom and let whoever pick it up. I left the dishes in the sink for whoever to wash. I actually drove out to eat if there were no clean dishes in the house!! Of course I did not tell them where I went (ostensibly on an errand) Wendy's does a decent baked potato...shhhhhhhh.
I still took care of the pets and the things I always took care of. DH did not suffer directly at my doing, he got pretty sick, pretty quick!
I was on the point of throwing their stuff out if they left it lying around one more time, too bad! I actually hand washed my stuff because the laundry room was in such a state of chaos...it was time to disengage and MAKE DH see for himself.