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I need some advice!

NEWStepmom2one's picture

Submitted by NEWStepmom2one on Sat, 07/08/2017 - 2:14am

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Blended Family Issues

:O
So I am new to this website, and I made an account mostly to ask for advice. I am 21 years old. And am a new step parent. I do not have any kids of my own. But I have been my step son's (bentley) step parent for going on 4 years, he is now 7. At first the relationship with his birth mother was VERY hard. She did not like me at ALL and that caused alot of problems in my relationship. It slowly started to get better... but I do NOT trust her.. at ALL she will messange me one thing and then messange my boyfriend (Bentleys father) another. She always insists on knowing when we fight, what we fight about and to let her know what the conclusion of our fight was... But we fight because of her! You see me and my boyfriend started out as friends so I saw the relationship they had... she would send him pictures and make his life miserable until he told her he would see her again. I trust my boyfriend. But I do NOT trust his baby mother... we recently had a huge fight (me and my boyfriend) and I left for about a week... And while I was away his baby mother invited him to have drinks with her and asked him to tell her about what our fight was about... he said nothing happend but I honestly don't know if I belive it. It's hard staying in this relationship with his child's mother acting the way she does and causing us to fight!
So that's why I'm asking any body who may be going threw this right now or have gone threw this. What I should do? Because confronting her dose NOT work. Please help!
Thank you.

NEWStepmom2one's picture

Submitted by NEWStepmom2one on Sat, 07/08/2017 - 7:43pm

Thank you! That was actually what I was thinking. And when we fight he always uses it against me that she's always going to be in his life... And that THEY have a kid togeather and that we don't. Get tired of him throwing it in my face all the time!

NEWStepmom2one's picture

Submitted by NEWStepmom2one on Sat, 07/08/2017 - 7:43pm

Thank you! That was actually what I was thinking. And when we fight he always uses it against me that she's always going to be in his life... And that THEY have a kid togeather and that we don't. Get tired of him throwing it in my face all the time!

SMforever's picture

Submitted by SMforever on Sat, 07/08/2017 - 9:38am

Just walk away from this circus. At 21, it may seem like the end of the world to give up the only adult relationship you've ever had. This happened to me, too. I stayed with the guy, married him at 23 because I was too insecure to let go. I,wish I'd dumped him at the time because he continued the drama for years. It didn't end well.

Take your freedom while you still have th choice. Get away ffrom om the crazy beotch and the entitled BF. He is clearly enjoying watching the mud wrestling becausee it makes him feel like a big man. He is disrespecting you, can you see that?

Quietly make your plans, find a new place to live, then ghost him. Make a good life for yourself, away from these idiots. Oh, and don't even try to understand the WHY, they are just disordered people, that's all. There is no logic to it.

Steptococcal's picture

Submitted by Steptococcal on Sat, 07/08/2017 - 12:30pm

Dear 2one,

You may already know this term but what you're involved with is triangulation and it's not healthy at all. That you know particulars about your boyfriend's discussion with his ex says that you're playing into this triangulation. What they discuss is none of your business. It's crazy making stuff! Your boyfriend and his ex have a son together. They will be in relationship for a long time. If you want this relationship, please don't engage in this triangle. Your relationship is with the father and the trust needs to be between you. If you can't trust him then don't be with him.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Sat, 07/08/2017 - 3:26pm

If you choose to stay in this relationship, here's a little Relationships 101. Fights are 'about' things, but 'between' people. So if you and your boyfriend are fighting about his ex, about your job, or about what to have for dinner, that's about you and your boyfriend. The ex is just the excuse.

Usually fights are about control. If you feel like you aren't important in your relationship, you're going to be behaving in ways to get attention, probably in immature and negative ways because you feel like you don't have power.

You have a choice though, and that choice is to decide that you are important, full-stop. And see if your boyfriend is treating you like the special, important person you are. If not, then that's about him and you should move on.

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Sat, 07/08/2017 - 5:59pm

He is still emotionally invested in a relationship with his Ex. What guy runs and tells another female (besides maybe his mother :sick: ) about his problems with his partner? I'll tell you--one that's looking for attention via sympathy. When y'all fight and he runs to her, she probably agrees with him and tells him he's right. For your sake, ditch him now. There's an 1000% chance they had sex while y'all were on a break and will continue to do it for every break following. I'm not saying this as a poster who acts like your too young to be a stepmom...I was a stepmom at 22, I'm telling you this because what's going to happen is y'all will continue to be "together" he will continue to have BM in the back corner everytime y'all fight and take a break. The kid is seven now, he'll begin to remember BM and his dad "together" but you also around at the same time. When and if your DH ever decided to end his relationship with BM for good, she will retaliate by calling you the "other" woman in their relationship whether it's true or not. And that kid will grow up blaming YOU for why his parents couldn't work things out and get back together.

Save Yourself.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 07/09/2017 - 7:45am

Am I the only one who read this and thought TEEN MOM? Maci's son's name is also Bentley

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sun, 07/09/2017 - 8:57am

Disney, It's funny I thought the same thing. Lol I never watched that show before but DD was visiting from out of town and we had our "trash tv" fix lol

I think Bentleys dad (from the show) is engaged now to some girl. That girl looks older than 21 though. I don't think it's them but how funny we thought the same thing!

thisisnotmocking's picture

Submitted by thisisnotmocking on Sun, 07/09/2017 - 9:06am

Ryan is engaged to Makenzie/McKinzie.

And I think that group of kids is 7/8.

Don't judge me Wink

NEWStepmom2one's picture

Submitted by NEWStepmom2one on Sun, 07/09/2017 - 12:41pm

So we actually are married. We have been married for a year now. So that does make me his "step parent".. it's hard walking away it's easier said than done. He is always going to have a relationship with his BM but that doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.. I don't think it's right that she does what she does and he does what he does I don't think she needs to know about OUR relationship unless it has to do with her son. I don't feel like she needs to be texting him all the time and calling all the time. But when we fight about it. I get told there is nothing I can do and that she's going to be here forever pretty much lol

NEWStepmom2one's picture

Submitted by NEWStepmom2one on Sun, 07/09/2017 - 12:41pm

So we actually are married. We have been married for a year now. So that does make me his "step parent".. it's hard walking away it's easier said than done. He is always going to have a relationship with his BM but that doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.. I don't think it's right that she does what she does and he does what he does I don't think she needs to know about OUR relationship unless it has to do with her son. I don't feel like she needs to be texting him all the time and calling all the time. But when we fight about it. I get told there is nothing I can do and that she's going to be here forever pretty much lol