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Is it a good idea to have a one-on-one talk with Stepchildren?

Stepmum.101's picture

Submitted by Stepmum.101 on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 7:51am

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Parenting Issues

Hi everybody,

I'm just going to go straight to my issue.

There are some things that I'm unhappy about my SD9. I'm planning to have a one-on-one talk with her - is this a good idea?

Important TV programs I put on notifications are usually ignored when she's with us (she never even bothered to call me or check with me if it's okay for her to watch her programs), always asks me to hold on to her things (whilst my hands are already full!!) and more.

Confusing part for me is that sometimes, she is so loving towards me - wants me to sit with her (to watch TV - for example), also, whenever we go to her grandparents - she would show to them how 'close' she is to me...

Stepmum.101's picture

Submitted by Stepmum.101 on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 8:58am

Thanks, maux!

DH has talked to her - a couple of times. Mostly, to check up on things - how she's coping etc.

Wait, first of all - DH and I are not married - will be in a couple of years. Her mother is engaged and SD lives full time with mother and future step-dad.

Perhaps, you can tell that I'm new at this. Not new with kids - very close to my siblings' children. However, new at step-parenting.

I'm glad there's a place for me to vent and ask for advice etc Smile

According to BM, SD9 has talked non-stop about me since day one - up to a point that she (BM) said she'd have to compete with me (but with a smile). Just a couple of weekends ago, SD9 started to annoy me. If she wants - for example; a bag of chips - I'd normally open one and put some in a bowl for her and her brother. So when I was about to do that, she said "daddy said to give it to him and he'll do it" but I don't hear daddy saying it.. stuff like that. I don't want DH to think that I can't even do that small part, know what I mean?

At times, I feel as if she's testing me...

Karmamom's picture

Submitted by Karmamom on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 9:05am

To me it sounds like both of you are testing eachother.
She might feel insecure of you, because she might not know where your boundaries are.
You are not her birthmother and don´t have the emotional ties that makes you both
special and important to eachother, so rugged edges seems more rugged than they might be in reality?

I don´t know if it makes sense or if I´m just ranting :? I too feel annoyed too easily by my skids,
and more often than with my bios. In those situations I just have to remind myself that I didn´t give birth to or raise these children, and write other stuff off as age related.

Anyway; hugs to you, and I hope things get better for you.
And, btw, I don´t think the one on one would be a good idea. In my eyes she´s too young for that.

Stepmum.101's picture

Submitted by Stepmum.101 on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 9:13am

Thanks for your reply, Karmamom Smile

Okay, I didn't think that I was testing her as well... but I guess others see it that way? Outsiders tend to see things that we don't?

She treats me more like a friend, even DH sees it too. Once, I told him I wasn't too happy (actually DH asked me because he saw she was rather rude and too comfortable with me) with the way she is with me... and he had a talk with her. Now, it has happened again. Small things don't get to me, really... but lately, they have gotten to me.... and I hate that!

Karmamom's picture

Submitted by Karmamom on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 9:21am

I think it´s quite normal, and if she´s not a child with issues it will pass.

Personally I would take a step back and disengage in a mild way. If she annoys you
without any particular reason; just leave the room. If she says something weird or strange;
don´t make a point of it.

Kids say and do pointless and annoying things all the time, but my experience shows that is
much more difficult to tolerate other peoples children beeing annoying than your own.
Blame the lack of biological bonds. You are not programmed to withstand her the same way
as her mom and dad. And please don´t be hard on yourself if you feel like it´s hard to cope.

Hang in there:)

Stepmum.101's picture

Submitted by Stepmum.101 on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 9:32am

Thanks...

We'll see how it goes this weekend Smile

I used to look forward to them coming over... now it's like... I'm dreading it. Will report after the weekend!

Thanks for the hug, Karmamom!!

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 8:48am

I tried this. It didn't work. they will do what they want. What is the consequence from you if she ignores you? For me, I figured out quickly it was nothing.

Nope, if i want something handled I'll tell SO. If he doesn't handle it, then HE gets MY consequence.