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We always say, "In intact families'...

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 2:47pm

I know we always say, "In intact families..." when talking about how children wouldn't get away with talking rudely to their elders, and how dad would support mom if she punished the kid(s) for being rude to her, how all kids have to follow the house rules, and how, in some families, the kids have discussions with their parents with both parents present.

However, don't intact families have their problems too? Don't mom and dad have disagreements on parenting? Don't some kids and parents have the arrangement where they sometimes just go to, say, dad to talk about something because they feel dad will handle it better, and maybe not lose their cool on them? Don't a lot of parents spend one-on-one time with each of their kids, even when said kids are adults?

Comments

giveitago's picture

Submitted by giveitago on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 3:11pm

I think that every kid, regardless, knows which one of their parents, extended family or friends to go to for each individual scenario.
What I believe is that PARENTS, step or otherwise, HAVE to be on the same page and give the child the stability of consistency. Let the other folks have what they want their relationship to be with the kids, as long as they know what's acceptable and what is not at HOME, also, reiterate that it's wrong to use other family members for their own convenience.
Ours are of age now so it's quite a mute point here...DH got his 'Karma' and, although I felt all the negative impacts, painfully at times, I am the same person I was when I came into this. I have learned from my experiences as a step mom and I think I would still do it all again.
It is what it is...when I hear that said I cringe...it really is what it is because no phukker wanted to make it any different!
What happened with us was that we had a growing together of our views and opinions, the more we grew together the more the kids rebelled and were encouraged to rebel by BM...I will NEVER forgive her for what she did to those kids. PAS is child abuse!
Aside from SD's bad choices which led her to the juvenile judge there are so many instilled behaviors in her and it's hard to undo the damage. SD is getting intensive behavior therapy in a secure juvenile facility at the moment. Part of it is genetics but the biggest part is SD becoming her own woman and developing her own set of morals and values.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 3:48pm

Intact families have their issues too. It just seems that rifts get magnified with the aid of the court system and government involvement when children are from "broken homes." Children have a HUGE opportunity to play one parent against each other, seemingly with the "system's" backing.

This is what makes it so distasteful.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 5:44pm

I agree. And if you have 2 parents who want to be in the most favored status then it becomes a competition of who can give/do more for the kids (speaking of divorced parents here). After a couple instances like that, what kid wouldn't figure it out?

And then, toss in the situations where parents openly disparage the other... kids play on that too, boo-hooing to dad that mom says bad things and vice versa. If they throw in there for good measure that it hurts them when parents do this, the other will jump to soothe usually using financial means to do this.

I watch it happen, and read about it in some of these blogs.