Are you asking for 50/50 because you truely want the kids or because you are "trying to get her off the payroll"?

Not to sound rude but it is possible to want more time with the child without money being the motive. They are two seperate issues. Personally I think long term alimony is a crock of sh%$. Thankfully my hubby was never in this position. I absolulty understand and agree that child support is a must but paying child support and alimony....... That makes no sense to me at all to me.

Right now my boyfriend and I are not engaged nor are we living together so I can only speake from seeing the kids occasionally. He is a very involved father which I admire very much. I have full custody of my kids. My ex has only had our kids 7 times over night in a year and a half. My kids are older than his (13&14) and I know they are that age where friends are everything as well as their social life. You miss one sleep over and your social status plummets! My daughter did say to me one day that she felt sorry for my boyfriends girls. When I asked her why she said "because they have to go back and forth between their parents houses, I would hate that so much if I had to do that. I am just happy visiting dad". Now mind you this is coming from a 14 yr old girl. But I am sure it is difficult. Although my ex is living with his 26 year old girlfriend whom he left us for. I know my daughter is emberassed of her so that I would think has alot to do with her response.

Sky22, I was married for 16 years and was a stay at home mom for 14 of that time. My ex was in med school when I met him. We soon married and he started residency. I supported him and made way more money than he did during this time. I worked till I was 9 months pregnant and then we both thought it was important for me to stay home. He moonlighted on weekends to make ends meet. He career started taking off. He was publishing more and more in medical journals and was becoming well respected in his field. He was inreasingly gone more and more. He was being invited to give lectures and so on constantly. Fast forward, He decided after 11 years of marriage he was going to leave me and the kids for some resident. He ended coming back 4 months later. Today he is the world renowned expert in his field. I stayed at home while he was out furthering his education and fine tuning his expertice. Now he is gone, I only have a bachelors' and having not worked in 14 years the best I could hope to do is make minimum wage. My ex make in excess of a million a year. Why should I have to go back to work now that he decideds my kids are older and don't need me? I was awarded 9 years of spousal support which is almost unheard of where I live. I do everything for them and he does nothing. My time is absolutely worth something. He calls them every 4-5 days and if they are lucky he sees them for a quick dinner one night a week.
I havbe worked hard at raising my children and do not feel guilty that I don't have to work. You better believe I will drag his but back to court and get more support every year.

Lets just agree to disagree for now. I wish I were able to stay home with my son and baby on the way. You got that and it just seems like your complaining that you missed out on working instead????? I can understand getting used to a certain lifestyle but the concept of entitlement bothers me.
I'm sure your a beautiful person and it is difficult to understand other peoples position until we have been there ourselves. So I apologize in advance if I am not 'getting' this concept. I honestly hope I am never in the position because it might change at that point

I made a choice and sacrificed my career to stay home and enable hin to persue his career. We thought it was the best thing to do. You are damn right I am entitled to spousal support. You have no idea everything I have done and what he has not done. I worked in a co-op preschool where I worked 3 days a week, I was on the board of the preschool and was fundraising chairman. I worked in my daughters class room 2 days a week, I have voulonteerd for my community, I get up every morning @ 5:45, pack my kids lunches, drive them to school. I do not have someone clean my home and never have. I am amazed that you think after 14 years of staying home with my children that all of a sudden since he has walked out on my and the kids and has zero involvement that I shouls get a job?? So my kids should have no one to come home to?? My ex makes a fortune and partly due to my support and moving around, yanking the kids out of school and starting new ones, all so he can have all the glory.

My ex has had 16 vacations with this woman in a year and a half. I have had one and that was with my kids to go to our beach house for the last time so I could sign the papers to sell it. I know it is hard to feel sorry for someone when financially they are ok, but I too have worked hard for what we have. We started out in a 50,000 house that was bought with my stock options. It hasn't always been this way. But I guarantee my pain is as real as anybody elses.

I too hope you never find yourself in the position where you husband decideds not to be a parent and walks out on you leaving you with no marketable skill and years of devotion to your family.

And I think it was great for my kids. Only because it was not there decision but mine and it was not fair to him or them to take them away like they were solely mine. SO it worked good. Now because we live and hour and 1/2 away he only gets them every other weekend. And it seems ok..
But the 50/50 thing I think it should be for all its fair to the kids mostly. it lets them know that both parents want them and want to keep both parents equally involved..
Happy JMO

I have actually been doing the 50/50 thing with my ex for 2 1/2 years now. When my daughter was 8 years old, she came to me and said she had spent the last 6 years with only me most of the time and she thought it was unfair to her daddy and so she wanted to give him time with her also. I suspect he had something to do with her decision, but nontheless, this is what she wanted. It totally broke my heart. I told her that I was not about to give up my daughter completely, but that I did understand that her daddy is as much of a parent as I am and does deserve to see her on a daily basis just as much as I did. So I agreed to split the time. When it is his w/e he also has her the following week. When I get her back the next w/e then that following week is my time to have her. It has had its ups and downs. I do not think this would have ever worked from the beginning though. I think it takes 2 people that get along with each other to make this situation a success. Don't get me wrong, my ex and I definately have our differences. We don't always see eye to eye and we don't always agree on what is best for our daughter. What I try to keep in mind and I also remind him is that we wouldn't have even if we were still together. We always make sure that she doesn't play us against each other. For example, if she doesn't get her way at my house and says she wants to go stay with her daddy full time, he doesn't let her. She has to answer to us both. There is much more on this topic that I would like to share with you but have run out of time at the moment. I will get back with you on some suggestions that have worked for us and also some things you might want to keep in mind as you make this very important decision. There are a lot of pros and cons. Good luck

It’s amazing the kind of emotion the topic of money can bring up.........
I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that wasn't my intention. I just have a different view ~ probably than most. I was taught to pull myself up by the bootstraps and if I decided to end my marriage I believe that also means cutting ties to each other’s wallets. Isn't being divorced about moving on. How can you move on while still being bound financially? I just don't get it. The assets we had at the time of the divorce should be divided 50/50 but any money coming in after that should be off limits. Of course child support should be figured. But then again its just my opinion... and we all know opinions are like as$holes, we all have them.

The state I am in is a no fault state. I had PLENTY of documentation as to his horrible behavior, his unilateral decisions and his untaithfulness. It doesn't matter here if someone is unfaithful, it only matters if they spend marital money on that person.

As to being entitled to money he makes after the marriage is over, my ex has published books and he will continue to recieve royalties forever. Guess what, I am entitled to half the royalties FOREVER. I know it is not your intention to offend anyone but you have. Can I ask how long you were married and how long to your current spouse?
And as for the woman scorned comment, it has nothing to do with being scorned, it has to do with what is fair and equitable.

My DH felt that since he left his ex-wife after 13 years, it was unfair of him to seek custody....his ex wife expected to be married forever, and since she is a great mother he didn't have the heart to take them away from her for even a few days at a time when they were little. That's why I think he agreed to have joint custody on paper but in reality, visitation is at her house. (The ex also went to the same vacation spots a few times as him when they were little --I put a stop to this when he met me-- cause she couldn't bare to not share in anything they experienced(gag me!) Also, he didn't have the money to even have a place that could accomodate 3 kids! I guess he kept it simple...But, now they are older, circumstances are different and it sickens me to think that he doesn't feel he is worthy enough to get them more than he does. I feel like we are second class citizens. She has them every Thanksgiving, New Years, or actually anytime she wants. I want to start alternating! He lets them make the rules...he never makes waves. He's a great, sacrificing father but not thinking of our side of the family now. I know it's his kids,he can decide what to do and that's what i tell myself butI feel sorry for my 12 yr old daughter because she loves having stepsiblings, even though she only sees them now one weekend a month. I wish we had 50/50 and not to save money in child support but because I do love the kids and love seeing him with his children. Very heartwarming.

I have been doing a lot of research on this issue. Research can only document past incidences and draw general conclusions; every situation is different. But I think it is a good starting point. I have found that academically there are two different perspectives. One perspective is that it is hugely beneficial to children to have as frequent and continuing contact with EACH parent as possible. Each parent brings different family histories, daily rituals, values and principles that are key to the children's development, and the only way to really soak those things up is to have something more than "weekend" or "holiday" downtime. The child needs to have each parent interact with their friends, help with homework, participate in sports activities; the child needs to see each parent at their best and their worst; at Disneyland AND at the grocery store. There are many studies documenting the benefits to children of 50/50 time when there are healthy families on each side of the equation and some level of co-parenting. On the other hand, there are some folks who suggest that 50/50 is detrimental because it never really allows children to feel "at home" in one place, to get routines down without interruption and because they may receive different messages from each home. There are much fewer studies that I have found documenting these disadvantages. It seems to me that many of these "problems" could be solved with active parenting/co-parenting in the best interests of the children.

No I am not writing a book--it's just that research is usually my first step toward problem solving and making decisions in my own life. It's not for everyone but it's just how I do things.

In my own experience, I was raised by my mom with sole custody and my dad with holiday visitation. I only really got to know my dad in the last ten-15 years (I am 36). I think I lost out big time, esp. now that I am older and realize the emotional consequences of not having my real dad around, and esp. watching DH with my skids.
(Have any other posters *experienced* custody arrangement themselves? I think sharing our own experiences is a relevant question because that goes to how the *kid* feels, instead of a parent trying to interpret how a kid feels -- does that make sense?)

Also, my brothers who are ten years younger than me were on a 50/50 schedule between my mom and their dad, and to this day they say that is how they preferred it, they loved seeing both parents equally, having two homes, two sets of toys, two neighborhoods of friends, etc. and never felt interrupted by the transition (the two families lived in the same town).

My skids thus far seem to be on the same page as my brothers, based on their comments about how much they love having two homes and such big families, so many people to love. They want more weekend time at their mom's and more weekday time with their dad, which is what we want too. Both families live in the town, and are "relatively" well-adjusted in the co-parenting thing, and in my opinion that makes all the difference as to how well a 50/50 arrangement works. For what that's worth.

My parents split when I was 8, and I think I am one of those exceptions to the rule: I was actually kind of relieved that they got divorced. Not that my dad was necessarily abusive, but he was really tough on us kids and he was always shaming us and we just generally didn't have a good relationship with him. It was just "easier" to be with mom and not have to deal with him on a daily basis.

When my parents divorced, we left our home in Nova Scotia Canada and came back to the states where my parents' families were. My mom and we three kids moved in with my grandmother in rural Maryland until we bought a house nearby, and my dad moved back to the DC area where he could find work. So we lived 2 hours apart and did the eow schedule for a few years.

Things started getting sticky when I entered middle school and adolescence and every time I had to miss a slumber party or a dance because it landed on dad's weekend, I was pretty resentful like any preteen when I had to miss out. (I was too afraid of hurting dad's feelings to ask him to let me stay at mom's.) I wished he just lived in our town so I wouldn't have to live two separate lives, but it was so rural, there was no work for him there.

So, when my dad announced when I was 11 or 12 that he was moving to Florida, part of me was like "thank GOD!" Of course, the other part of me felt abandoned, but my friends were so important to me at that age, I just focused on not having to miss out on social activities anymore. I remember he justified his move as he only sees us 52 days a year on the eow schedule, so now we'll see each other the same number of days over the summer and every other Christmas. Yeah, I know, not the same as regular contact, but that's how he justified it.

The 50/50 thing would have never worked with us. My dad just didn't know how to be a good parent. He is very rigid and we never felt good enough - I'm still dealing with self-esteem issues because of the way he treated me! Even to this day, instead of saying something like "honey, I'm proud of you for buying your first house on your own at age 25," he'll say "why didn't you get in 3 years ago before the bubble?!" Well, let's see Dad, I was a grad student with no income at age 22. There was no way I could have bought a freakin' house! Still, whatever I do, it's not enough for him and somehow I still beat myself up over things because of his putting me down! I'm 29 now and still feel like an ashamed little girl when he gets started on me.

Anyway, I think that being with my mom the vast majority of the time really helped me keep my sanity! She reminds me that I am a success, and not to worry about not living up to my dad's impossible expectations. I think living in a 50/50 arrangement would have done even more irreparable damage... Just my experience. I think the dads here seeking more equitable custody aren't like my dad, so this probably doesn't apply at all to your situations!

I don't know... now that I'm really thinking about it, part of me thinks like Gwen that I really did miss out big time by not having regular contact with my dad. Maybe things would've been better if he had seen us more often and really "knew" us? Hard to tell at this stage. Maybe if we could have lived in the same town, things would've been different. Wow, this is digging up a lot of emotions!!

I do think each situation is different...Wait until you hear this one! I married my husband a couple of years ago (my 1st marriage, his 2nd)& he has joint custody of his two daughters (at the time of the divorce were only 3 and 7). While it's joint custody, he is the primary custodian. They live with us most of the time...then every other weekend from Thurs after school until Mon dropoff at school they are with their bio-mother. Some holidays etc...but he didn't have to fight too much in court...she really didn't want to have them so she signed off on the agreement (before I entered the picture)...

Once he married me we spent a lot of time and $ in court. She wouldn't follow the rules of the divorce, was abusive toward him, me, the kids.... but in the end SHE now has to pay a little child support. I know - times are changing!

On the flip side I have a bio-daughter who was raised without a father (until I married my husband when she was 12). In this situation her bio-dad didn't want to be a "dad"...my college boyfriend, young etc.. so I didn't force the issue. Got a lawyer, had him sign away his rights and I waived any child support from him. Between my parents, brother, extended family she is now the most compassionate teenager, straight A student and I couldn't be more proud of her.

Times are changing - if you want more custody, GO FOR IT! It's hard work - I've seen both sides; a bio-dad never meeting his daughter to a bio-mom only wanting limited custody for "show" so she doesn't look bad. Point is...KIDS COME FIRST. DO WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART...

From both a Stepmom and Biomom

ours is 50/50, not working. we see ss only 8x a month, wednesdays and every other weekend. not enought time, how can they say that's 50/50 custody. it's bullshit! biomom controls all aspect of decision making without consulting w/father first. then we are suppose to split vacation equally but that not how it is right now. we are both irritated w/her we don't want to take her back to court cause she'll ask for more money. we have 8 more years of putting up w/her and after that we are getting rid of her bullshit.

-happy mom

well........................................................................................................................................
Apparently everyone has the wrong view of my situation, or you all really don't give a sh*t. Just because I have a comfortable living doesn't mean that I didn't contriibute. I DO have a college degree and had a VERY successful career. We had virtually No money when we got married. My ex made 23,000 a year. I chose to stay home, buy second hand clothes for my daughter, grabbed furniture from neighbors garbage and repainted it, or whatever was needed. We only had a refrigerator in the basement which I had to go up and down the stairs 9 months pregnant. We were robbed the first week we lived in our new home. Came home from work early and there was one of 4 robbers waiting around the corner for me with a 7" gutter nail.
I do not frequent saks, I do not have furs, I own not one piece of
Tiffanys' and all this free time you speak of, where is it???????????

My ex has, a majority of our kids lives, been absent. I am sick of defending myself as NONE of you know what it is like. My ex walked out on me and the kids not once but twice for another woman. Could you imagine???????????????????????????????????????????????????

I promise I hurt just as much as anyone else. And I promise just because my kids are well taken care of financially, they hurt even more because the virtually have NO FATHER. He is on to his new woman.

Enjoy your glass houses.