I think I am winning...FINALLY
I really have a dislike for my husbands ex but I totally stay out of things, let him deal with her. It lets me focus on the important things...my family, friends, life etc.
Tonight DH was speaking to her and she brings up this argument her and I had last fall. I have not seen her or spoken to her since. Works for me. She lashes into him about that I need to show her respect because she is the BIOMOM. Granted I did that for three years as she walked over me and my husband and finally I had enough. Not sure but where i come from (I am both a BIo and a SteP) respect is something that is earned...and no title grants you that without you giving respect.
I was mad that she is still going on about things but then it got me thinking about revenge ......and I know what must hurt the most......her daugther loves me and she loves our fmaily. And of all that things that would bother her the most......that would be it. NOt that this a fight but I think for once I actually winning!!!!!!
For me....
the idea of winning would be when I finally am able to not allow the ex to rent space in my head...When I finally can laugh about the unneccesary phone calls, the inappropriate boundary crossing she does. Instead I am still at the spot where I let it piss me off and take it out on hubby that he didnt nip things in the bud before I came along. I am happy for you Tyra that you seem to have detached in your own way and have some peace and a good attitude.
I am trying to not let the situation control me.
I see what you are both saying. I found it more effective not dealing with the BM at all. I don't talk to her at all. She doesn't even communicate with my husband at all. She totally refuses. What makes me angry is she trys to communicate messages to the kids instead of directly through DH. We put a stop to that by telling the kids that there are no messages allowed through their Mom. She is to talk to DH if she wants to say something to him. They now tell their Mom she needs to talk to Dad.
Last Christmas was a big time boundary she tried to cross. You see she wanted to listen to the kids open their gifts on Christmas morning. But here is the catch....she didn't buy not one gift for them to open. Not even a card!!!! She buys no gifts from the kids at anytime and never has since she has left. All Christmas was bought by my husband and myself and she has the nerve to want to butt into our time together. She wants the joy of hearing the kids open gifts she had nothing to do with. Of course we didn't allow her to interfere with our Christmas morning. She called later that afternoon to talk to the kids but she was pretty angry. She never once calls and asks my husband what is a good time to call the kids during the holidays which in my opinion would be courtesy. We found it more effective not to even let her get to us and stand firm and not allow her to get to us. It doesnt' always work but it is more effective than yelling and cussing at her. Which I'd rather do LOL.
Rent space in my head...
That was a fantastic way of putting it! Why do we let all this bother us so much and why so we let them invade our lives? I think I have it worked out...My theory is that we beat ourselves up, try to explain away all the problems step parenting brings and in our secret thoughts we ask ourselves if we are part or fully to blame. The truth is we care more than we think we do or wouldn't let it eat our insides out and give up that space for rent in the first place. More power to you Tyra!! I thought I was only one who thought respect was important.
We do Care
, our ex wife lashes out at Dh and I am mostly not the target. But the kids are affected. I can tell when I am the subject of her rants because the SS16 will send me an out the blue e-card "you gotta friend in me", shorty after, the BM calls come flooding in. Our ex wife doesn't talk to me because I have put her in her place. I tell DH if he would put her in her place she would back off.
So our exwife does rent space in my head because of her Hurricane tactics and how they upset the rest of our famil--something I care very much about.
Funny, how things can
Funny, how things can change. Fearless, said it "one small transgression" can change everything. I have had no contact with BM since last August...feeling great about things. I was feeling empowered.
Then today DH continues to tell me about their 20 min phone call...her talking about her love life, her family etc...whatever but then the conversation turns to me and our fight...get over it....then he tells me she said I am uptight...well one small word sends me over the edge. How could he continue to speak to her after she insults me and how dare she speak ill of me to my very own husband, I just went on a rant. She thinks I am oversensitive beacause just before I am goigng to have amniocenthesis done she feels the need to tell me a story about someone she knows has it done and the needle hit the baby's eye and baby is blind.......call me overly sensitive to an insensitive comment. (this happened over a year ago and it was soemthing that came up in our fight last August...the same week we miscarried).
Anyway the point I guess I am trying to make is, I thought sweeping it under the carpet and not having any contact was the best thing to do because I am feeling great and in control but one comment and she totally pissed me off and DH and I are now arguing because I felt as though he should have ended the conversation with her when she started talking about me. Am I wrong? Am I being overly sensitive and uptight?
Yes, I think you are right.
Yes, I think you are right. I did feel violated. Here is this man who loves me having his ex talk bad of me to him. It just doesn't sit well with me.
Someitmes I feel like he just lets her go on about stuff......"she talks and I just let it go in one ear and out the other." Everything is in the name of getting SD 50%. This has been going on for over 4 years now. He better get 50% soon.
I just can't imagine my ex speakly negatively of my DH and me sitting there listening to him. Maybe men and women are differnet. I would defend my family and friends fiercely if someone slandered anyone I love.
I guess I am just having a moment...it will pass and I will be back on to trying to think about all the good in my life and not thinking about the one crappy thing.
Thanks for the hug ....needed one today