I need to clarify
I didn't want to post this on my other blog because it was heated and I'm sure I would have been called more names. As of now, but it will change next month, I give my ex wife child support, an extra $1000 a month and I pay for private school and any expensive extra activities outside of normal after school stuff. For example, she pays for tutoring with extra money I give her but I would pay for a week at sleep away camp. Next month I will pay an extra $500 instead of the $1000 and I will pay for tutoring along with sleep away camp. If the standard of living stays the same for my kids I will decrease the extra payments to nothing and continue for their extras.
We had our counseling appointment yesterday and I brought in my homework as did my wife. She isn't happy with my compromise so next week she is going to bring in a counter compromise. She is supposed to bring in what she feels me doing is fair. Her compromise about my kids was fair and thought out and I have no problems with it as long as she does implement it. She is going to work on her feelings and try to interact more with my kids and let me know if she gets bothered. It was a good counseling session.
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Comments
BS - the only ones who were
BS - the only ones who were "cheering for the demise of the marriage" were the ones automatically calling his wife awful names instead of being honest with him. Being a stepmom is hard, being a NCP stepmom is even harder...being an NCP stepmom to pre-teens and teens is the hardest of all. Most people have been nothing but thrilled that she agreed to counseling and that Gunner is trying to be flexible and understanding.
I agree with all you said
I agree with all you said except for the NCP SM is the hardest gig.
Speaking as a custodial SM, I can tell you that being the NCP SM was much, much easier than being custodial...
Well, I think that may be
Well, I think that may be your experience...and I can tell you that I wouldn't want to be full-time in a million years...but studies and statistics show that NCP causes more second marriages to fail than full-time, and NCP SMs, in general, report feeling more depressed, isolated, and unhappy than full-timers. Again...on average. Of course individual experiences vary.
Also - it could be that it was easier for you as an NCP bc the kids were younger...and now that they're older it feels harder...but it would have been harder either way. There's really no way to tell.
Glad to here about the good
Glad to here about the good session, I was about to ask for an update...
Gunner, I understand your wife being a SM and all, but hell you are a step parent as well , thus you both feel the same thing, it's simply a communication issue IMO... but with counseling it will work
I don't think they do feel
I don't think they do feel the same thing or have the same experience, Acra.
So many studies indicate SMs have it way worse than Stepdads...and that being the NCP household is harder on a SM than being the full-time household. So his wife has two strikes going already. Then there are other dynamics at play in the set up they have. I believe Gunner has three kids and at least one daughter? We all know that daughters are especially difficult for most SMs - and pre-teen/teen daughters even more so. There's three strikes. Meanwhile, Gunner has her kids around full-time, only two kids rather than three, which makes everything simpler on him...there's a rhythm there. Her kids likely see him as a father figure while his kids likely see her as an interloper...and she has two daughters, so he has no son of hers...no "man of the house" thing to contend with. He doesn't currently have a bio parent to deal with and she does.
In every way, Gunner has it easier both emotionally and practically than his wife...according to what all the studies and statistics say.
Gunner - it's a bit of a read but very enlightening. Check out Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin if you haven't already. I was ready to walk away from the love of my life over some of the issues she raises in that book - until I read it, realized my feelings were normal...and until I found this site. It may help both of you.
well we do agree... it sucks
well we do agree... it sucks to be a step parent, regardless if you are male or female....
and if there's prior relationship children involved... it's worse..
Gunner, I am glad to hear
Gunner, I am glad to hear your progress. You are both negotiating and talking. Good for you both on so many levels. Keep it up! And ignore those who don't seem to want your marriage to succeed. Negativity will get you nowhere.
The person you most need to listen to is yourself and then your wife. It's your marriage. We barely get a snapshot here.
Love your response
Love your response babybugged. You certainly have a way with words.
I don't get it either, doesn't make sense. It's got to be a control thing or he wants to keep his ex-wife on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with this one. What divorced guy in their right mind gives $1000 over and above what it required? Why didn't you just stay married to her.
I would be pissed to if I was now married to you. Fine, don't pay off your current wife's debt, I get that. But don't you think your current wife would like to pool your money for your future with her?
Speak it, babybugged!! <3
Speak it, babybugged!! <3
That was an example. I paid
That was an example. I paid for the expensive extras while she paid for normal extras. Expensive would be sleep away camps or driving lessons. I consider anything over $500 to be expensive and I covered it before. If it was below $500 I expected my ex to cover it and she did. Now i will be covering most of the extras.
Soooo...you will be paying
Soooo...you will be paying MORE money to your exwife.
How is this a compromise??
Not more to ex. If he was
Not more to ex. If he was getting $1000 and paying some of that towards tutoring , she would now get only $500 and Gunner would pay directly the tutoring cost to the tutor.
If things seem to be staying the same on the 60% of the time BM has kid (same quality of living) he then may cut the $500 even lower.
Some suggested it was the money going to BM instead of the direct expense that SM resented. Now for the tutoring he is cutting out handing the middleman cash aka BM, and writing the exact amount directly to tutor.
The one child (Gunner' son) has trouble in math and gets tutor assist. I have no clue if it cost x amount for a couple days or xx amount daily on weekly bases. If the $1000 has been basically going towards one kid and an educational expense it's not really benefiting anyone but the son. Since Gunner seems to be footing the bill via handing BM extra cash, he might as well pay directly.
right - you used to give XW
right - you used to give XW the money and now you'll be paying directly.
Not much of a compromise, dude....
^^Exactly that, WOB.
^^Exactly that, WOB.
he was paying for the camp
he was paying for the camp before. He still is. There's no change there.
Depends on what the actual costs for tutoring are. If they're over 1000$ a month, things should be left as is, as he's paying BM 1000$ and she's paying the tutoring.
I'd rather my partner pay a chunk of 1000$ towards tutoring, than take on the entire 5000$ tutoring bill....
Every time I see ACT I think
Every time I see ACT I think 'Activated Clotting Time'.....
I think mouth wash
I think mouth wash
me, too I also think ACT
me, too
I also think ACT UP...
I prefer Listerine...
I prefer Listerine...
lol. I got a 32 on no
lol.
I got a 32 on no tutoring and no sleep the night before...and a sick/dying dad at home taking up a lot of my spare time. I actually tutored the ACT and SAT as well as the GRE for Kaplan for side money when I was in grad school. Logic/understanding tests has always been my thing, though. I scored higher than my brother on the math section of the ACT, and he's a certified math genius who writes crazy code for the Navy for a living while I can barely balance a checkbook or do simple algebra...so it's not about knowledge. It's about understanding the test and test logic. The answer is on the page...all you have to do is cross out the ones that aren't right.
(PS - the tutoring really does help, though...for people who don't "get tests" - which is true for many, many very intelligent people.)
Thank you, babybugged!!!
Thank you, babybugged!!!
Smooches from me, too
Smooches from me, too
For example, she pays for
For example, she pays for tutoring with extra money I give her but I would pay for a week at sleep away camp. Next month I will pay an extra $500 instead of the $1000 and I will pay for tutoring along with sleep away camp.
So basically, instead of you giving her cash to pay for tutoring, you're just paying for the tutoring. Unless the tutoring is less than 500$, there is no change in money there.
You were paying for sleep away camp. You're still paying for camp. No change in money there.
You've just moved funds around, you've not cut 500$ at all.
but that's not what this is
but that's not what this is about. This is about him giving the Ex-wife money that nobody can itemize what it's for... he says she pays for tutoring with it...and maybe she does... but if tutoring is 100$, she's pocketing 400$
if he wants to pay tutoring - pay it.
Nobody's saying he shouldn't pay for whatever he wants for his kids.... but many are saying he shouldn't just blindly hand over a large chunk of cash to his ex-wife so that she can spoil the kids. If he wants to spoil them, go for it... but he's basically letting his ex-wife spoil them...and likely herself, on his dime... that's what the wife has an issue with. The idea that he's potentially spoiling his ex-wife yet gives his current wife a hard time. He pays everything for his ex-wife, but makes his current wife pull her weight.
The current wife is simply wanting to be treated the same way as the ex-wife.... and that's not unreasonable.
the new wife isn't the same
the new wife isn't the same as his ex... by your words, his ex is a whore... yet she is supported better than his current wife is, who is not a whore. Can't blame her for being upset at not being treated at least equally to his whore of a ex...
I get what you're saying, and
I get what you're saying, and it makes sense. You are right.
However... to the current wife... she's ot getting "spoiled". She's not getting the benjis tossed her way. She's being asked to contribute towards the household and the ex is not. It's just basic jealousy... she FEELS like an injustice is taking place.... she FEELS that his ex wife is treated better than she, THE wife, is.
It's about the "feelings"...not the actual money. She feels second class because her husband pays for his ex wife's life.
The XW spends none of HER OWN
The XW spends none of HER OWN MONEY, aka her salary, on HER OWN CHILDREN. Gunner covers all those expenses and then some. He acknowledges their lifestyle won't change if he drops his payments to her by $500 a month.
The CURRENT wife spends part of her salary on vacation funds to be enjoyed by Gunner's children.
Yes, Gunner helps his wife put her kids in private school. He gives her a gift of that. That doesn't change the fact that her salary is being spent on Gunner and cheating XW's children while cheating XW keeps all of her salary to herself. Not even rent FOR HERSELF is required of her!
Perhaps the ideal situation
Perhaps the ideal situation would be for them to move into a home that they both can afford to split 50/50. I agree with that.
I don't know how much the cheating XW spends on vacations, but I know she doesn't HAVE to pay any, if what he says is true. Gunner pays for her home, a huge amount in child support (3 kids @ his income level, Yikes, would be over $4200 in my state) plus pays a lot of extras plus an additional $1000. She doesn't have to dip into her income for anything AT ALL at those rates. That is free housing plus $50K a year tax free in child support + $12000 more a year in extras plus the things he pays for directly for 3 kids. Are you kidding me? We don't have to hear from the GUBM to know she doesn't have to pay for anything for those kids at all. Not even a bottled water, it's all coming from Gunner.
His current wife moved in with him. He doesn't want to live in a house that she could afford half of. That is on him then, isn't it?
Why does XW get the benefit of being married to Gunner without actually being married to Gunner just because she had his children?
Actually, it's about 50/50
Actually, it's about 50/50 according to Gunner.
What exactly is the "benefit of Gunner" to his skids? I'm sure they'd much rather have their own dad in their lives. Not has a point...gunner knew his wife had kids when he married her...assuming he knew her income level...he chose to marry her and bring him up to his level. If he wants to change that now...I can see why she'd feel hurt and betrayed...it's not his wife's fault that she has primary custody of her kids or that gunner shares custody...really not sure what you're expecting her to do about that.
And for the hundredth time. He is in absolutely no danger of doing more for his skids than his own children based on the numbers he himself has put out there...even if he cuts by half or eliminates the extra all together
They don't. They only live
They don't. They only live there because Gunner wants his wife to live with him AND Gunner wants to live in a fancy 6-bedroom house.
If Gunner were to decide to live in a home his wife would afford half of and if he didn't want to contribute to their education (he only pays a down payment, she pays the rest), then they wouldn't. They really benefit because HE WANTS THEM TO.
HE doesn't want to give up HIS standard of living and he wants this woman who is a full time CP to live with him.
What other option then do they have? Not get married because her kids might benefit?
It's really quite simple... For the WIFE, this isn't about the kids. It's about the other woman in Gunner's life. Simple.
I am not saying the kids should or shouldn't benefit. I am saying she wants to feel loved more than he loves the XW. Gunner shows love through money. So all this isn't that complicated.
And that opens the door for
And that opens the door for Gunner to say like hell I will help you pay for your kids to attend a private school, live in this great community... when you won't make their father do the same.
YUP, but I have to wonder if
YUP, but I have to wonder if the wife has figured out that she and her kids will be the only ones in this to take a hit if they break up.
BM and the SKs will be fine because Gunner will ensure that they are.
Gunner will be fine because he can afford his current lifestyle.
Her ex will be fine because nothing changes for him.
I wonder if her feelings on this are strong enough for her to say the hell with this and walk away from what Gunner provides.
It's impossible to get biodad
It's impossible to get biodad to pay if you are unwilling to take the first step in pursuing it. So if you want to frame it in terms of choices it really starts with hers. Chose not to pursue CS. Chose to cut out skids from vacay. Chose to agree to the wife pays for vacation plan then withheld the money (after other machinations failed).
1. I do agree the money going to the other house can be a problem in some emotional not just financial ways. They are working on that so great.
2. I believe the wife's problem solving and communication skills are a much much much bigger issue. They are working on that. Super double good.
So I think they are on track to move forward.
I know it humors you to keep
I know it humors you to keep saying 'the cheating ex-wife', but really , what do *we* know about SM? Nothing. Perhaps she has a sugar daddy on the side or one already lined up to replace Gunner if she doesn't get her way. Maybe one who makes much more money than Gunner and has no kids of his own.
*We* know Sm doesn't get CS, but I wonder what she got when she divorced her kid's father? Hmmmmmm, I wonder why SM got that divorce? Maybe she cheated and dumped that guy.
Per Gunner, she's supposedly a looker, so maybe she has three BF's on the side. Would Gunner know? Maybe that's why she's suddenly so dissatisfied. Gunner said all this is out of the blue.
You seem awfully invested in Gunner' saga. I mean, after all you've been a member for a while now, yet hardly posted at all before Gunner. Do you know Mrs. Gunner? Maybe Gunner?
Wow. You guys are
Wow. You guys are paranoid.
Nope, I don't even know what state Gunner lives in. Never met the man, for all I know he ISN'T real.
I post right now because I am ill and home a lot, on medical leave from work. I am bored and have this type of mental energy but not physical energy at the moment.
I would hardly say I am invested in anything except my own health right now, but perhaps I am trying to avoid thinking too much about the PET scan I did earlier today and thinking about other people's problems does help me not focus as much on mine?
I've lurked here for many years, back to 2012. And I posted and deleted my blogs when things blew up with BM once. But that's an interesting suspicion you have. I post because I think you guys are being awfully cruel to both him and her and that people here judge others an awful lot without considering the humanity of it all.
Per Gunner, she's out of his league because of her personality. He didn't say anything about her looks. Many posters did, but he has not.
We only know what he has told us. He has told us his ex is a cheating ex. He has said nothing about the current wife doing anything of the sort.
Sure, he could be a 19-year old bored college student on summer break or a mentally ill crackpot getting their kicks off of watching everyone go crazy here being mean to some internet stranger. I get that. It's really no difference than me binge watching Netflix, which is my other option for entertainment right now.
I hope you're feeling better
I hope you're feeling better and things work out for you.
I hope you're feeling better
I hope you're feeling better and things work out for you.
Do you suppose Gunner charges
Do you suppose Gunner charges his two stepkids who live there 100% of the time, rent? I suppose he could, I mean why not. His provides a home for his wife free of charge (no rent or mortgage), but he isn't legally responsible to provide free housing for her kids.
Of course not. The kids came with SM and he'd be a royal ass if he charged her kids rent. Uh, kinda like with BM. He pays for and provides for the house for his children, BM just happens to come with the kids. She only benefits because of the kids, they can't live alone....just like Gunner's stepkids. His stepkids get free housing because of their mother being his wife.
I suppose he could start charging BM rent if he's going to start charging his stepkids rent too.
These arguments/debates have become overly drawn out and pathetic over Gunner and his 'My Wife Isn't Happy' saga. Amazing a man who must work to pay for all these houses and schools and extras has so much time to sit around and play on the internet with a topic he knows will get attention.
Eh, probably has one kid who wears goodwill and goes to public school and off sets his big box tore earnings with his wife's Cs from her ex-husband and vacationed at the local community swimming pool for the afternoon before he had to go in for third shift.
Time for a new member id with another story. Anybody got a dog to kick down the stairs? A stepkid who Sm is footing the bill to go to overnight camp while her 'our' kid had to quit tumbling? Anybody? This one is playing out.
"He knew what his standard of
"He knew what his standard of living was when he proposed to her. He also knew what her standard of living was. He had the option to not marry her and not combine households. He made the informed decision to invite her and her kids into his life and standard of living."
His wife knew that the was spending above and beyond CS when she accepted his proposal. She had the option not to marry him and not combine households if that was an issue for her.
Absolutely not. And as much
Absolutely not. And as much as I believe he is free to spend his money as he pleases (as long as he's meeting his financial obligations in the home), I would not have married him. I know what I can and can not put up with.
I'm saying you don't marry someone when you know darn well you have a major issue with something that they are doing.
I also would never agree to live in a home or community that I couldn't afford to live in on my own. My parents taught my sister and I to never be financially dependent upon a man. It's nice to have a man who is willing to do nice things for you. But they need to understand that they aren't doing anything you can't do for yourself.
Yeah but by saying this
Yeah but by saying this you're basically saying people can't or shouldn't evolve and grow as their relationship matures. I really don't understand the point here...we see it all the time on this site. I used to like the skids and now I don't. I used to not mind watching skids and picking them up from school, but now it's causing me lots of resentment...etc.
Why would this situation be any different? Why can't she get into the situation a bit before she realizes how it makes her feel? We literally see that all the time here.
Agreed But if it's OK for her
Agreed
But if it's OK for her views to change, it has to be OK for his to change as well.
You(general you) can't use the you knew what you were getting into argument on Gunner and not his wife.
Lol. I hear you...I guess
Lol. I hear you...I guess from what I've seen most are pointing out that gunner established this set up/knew what he was getting into in response to people posting that "she knew what the deal was."
She has 2, HE has 3. Again.
She has 2, HE has 3.
Again. He's in no danger of supporting her kids more than his own by his own calculations, even if he cuts out extras.
pff, it's for you, admit it.
pff, it's for you, admit it.
My niece got married very
My niece got married very young to an also very young groom. About 21 each. She did not go to college. He was a barrio kid.
But by age 23 or so they had bought a home for his mother. When she died a few years later they rented it out. So now they are landlords in California, one of the most expensive places in America.
They have a spectacular house they live in in the Santa Cruz area, one of the most expensive places in California.
Yet he is a school teacher and she does beauty salon work. Neither is in a high paying profession whatsoever. Nor did they have any inheritance or parental help at all.
This young man was merely saving every penny he made since he was 12 years old, was in fast food management while still a teen, and they both just worked and worked and managed well and invested well from before they were even adults.
It can be done. Some people just have a knack and a focus early on. Gunner says he has investments. I think of my nephew in law and I can picture it easily. If my nephew in law made the 200k per year instead of a teacher's salary I can't even imagine how well they'd be living now.
Yeah...he said 200-ish plus
Yeah...he said 200-ish plus investments/properties.
Salary does not equal net worth or cash flow...
That's what I just said?
That's what I just said?
I am glad you have reason to
I am glad you have reason to feel encouraged, gunner! Keep up the good work. You may both get back to a good place where all is solid and happy between you. Rock on!
Her planning a counter proposal and bringing in her own suggestions for improvement on her issues is so much better of a way to solve problems than what she was doing before. That alone is reason to celebrate.
I agree. I was on the divorce
I agree. I was on the divorce bandwagon when wife refused to go to counseling. As soon as she went, I was off it. Everyone should try to resolve issues before throwing in the towel. Some people won't even try.
Uh...no, it isn't. Stepomoms
Uh...no, it isn't. Stepomoms aren't unpaid nannies and maids.
Sure. But you responded to a
Sure. But you responded to a post about doing the bulk of the housework and cooking with: "That's what happens when you marry someone with kids." Sure, the kids will be there...but you don't have to pick up the bulk of their care.
Also...Gunner never said he keeps up with his kids. In fact, he's said that he cooks during the week and his wife cooks on weekends (aka...when his kids are there). We already know she was having trouble with clutter and general chaos as a result of visitation...and that she has some general other concerns that Gunner has never specified. However, he has told us that, until now, he's let his ex handle most of the details for his kids and he writes the checks. So...yeah. We don't know anything about how or if Gunner parents his kids on his time.
I can see how current wife would be upset if she's picking up all this slack and work for his kids while working full-time. Heck. At least Gunner pays his ex-wife for dealing with her own kids.
Ya. Gunner says a lot of
Ya. Gunner says a lot of things. Gunner is the perfect man, lol.
My husband is home with his kids this week on vacation. Came home to my version of a messy house yesterday, dishes piled in the sink, overflowing garbage, crap piled at the door. DH thought it was clean. Guys tend to have a different version of the truth
Maybe she should stop
Maybe she should stop cleaning up/putting up with them...or charge him for the work... lol
I exempt myself from that
I exempt myself from that generalization.
A couple other financial
A couple other financial considerations to think about:
1.) Someone has already mentioned this, but your wife's student loan repayment amount could have gone up because she married you...has this happened? Is she unable to make the payments herself, in part, because she married you and can no longer qualify for income-based repayment?
2.) As a single mom with 2 dependents, your wife used to be able to claim Head of Household - which is a HUGE exemption that's worth A LOT of money back. I know our BM gets back about 5-8K because of HoH. No doubt your ex-wife, making 40K a year, is playing the "single mom" card to the max and getting HoH and claiming all three dependents since she doesn't have to claim ANY of the extras you give her on her taxes...it looks like she's making 40K and supporting 3 kids. What a crock!
You may be setting up a situation where your current wife literally can't afford to be married to you, Gunner...
Maybe you don't understand
Maybe you don't understand how some of these financial things work? There are some of "her bills" such as her students loans that are very likely based on income. So, for example, when I was starting up a business with my husband, and we had his three kids all under 18 that we were paying CS for...my actual take home pay was so low and set expenses so high that my student loans were just $25 a month to repay. DH's were like $5 a month.
Now that we have only one kid left on CS and the business is starting to get going...the repayment for me is more like $350-$400 a month and for DH it's closer to $200.
What I'm saying here is that her payments may have jumped considerably as a result of marrying Gunner at the same time that the kickbacks she got from the IRS, like HoH and earned income with two dependents, dropped significantly.
Between both of these things, she could be dealing with 5 to 8 thousand less coming to her in terms of cash flow / refund from the government each year (or, what Gunner's ex refers to as a typical month's tax free cash flow from Gunner) and hundreds more per month going out for student loans...all because of Gunner's income, which he has threatened to withdraw...
You don't see how this set-up could be unfair to her?
I doubt it...or maybe barely.
I doubt it...or maybe barely. I don't pay 8K a year in utilities, cable, etc. I guess I would pay that much if I had rent...but my house is bought. If she's losing out on 5-8K from HoH and Earned Income AND her student loan payments have gone up by about $2400-3600 per year, she could easily be in trouble because of marrying Gunner if he were to withdraw his support.
Anyway, we're not talking about "evening out" -- if that's it, why be married? Most people marry with some expectation to pool resources and to be able to afford more together than separately. In this scenario, it's clear that Gunner's lifestyle is way higher than hers...but why bring her into it and then resent her and her kids? It makes no sense and starts to not feel like a marriage to me.
And I say this as the higher earner in my relationship...and the one who doesn't bring any kids. I would NEVER, EVER threaten my DH with - I'm going to pull all my resources out of our union next month because you expressed feelings about my family that I don't like!!! I would never do that...because I love him and think of our money as ours. I get stressed and frustrated about it at times, and I have set up rules for how much I am willing to extend myself for him and his kids...but I would never say...welp. You're on your own for your cell phone and student loans next month. Oh...you need that phone to work and make money for OUR household? You'll have to take on a second job to afford your student loans and we'll never see each other? Oh well. You said my niece and my sister annoy you when they come over...