A question for those who have left step-life...
For those of you who have left step-life...how did you do it? I'm looking for both emotional advice and practical steps...finances, assets, housing, etc.
Bullet points of my situation:
*Married to DH for 6 years this May, known him for 8
*I have no children, he has 3. I would like to have children. I am 35.
*His kids are 19, 17, and 15 (younger two turning 18 and 16 in April and May, respectively).
*Still love him, also love 2 of the 3 skids, though I don't like them very much at times.
*We own our home 50/50. It is fully paid off, no mortgage. If I left, I wouldn't make him move out of the home because of the kids, but I also know he wouldn't have enough to buy me out.
*I make more money than him currently, but that will likely change soon. He is getting more work now in a business that I helped build, always working for free. If I left, I would want to make sure that I had some claim to future profits because of this fact.
I feel crazy for fantasizing about leaving, because all-in-all we have a great life. I get to do what I love from home. We travel a lot. There is some financial stress thanks to the business and the skids, but it's not crippling...in many ways we have a lot of security and very little debt. I get along with the kids OK and I recognize that they're good people. I think my biggest issue is the kid thing. I'd like to have kids of my own...DH has agreed that we should have a family, but he keeps putting it off for other things...mainly his business. Even though I'm relatively happy now, I project out 10, 15, 20 years and start to think...if I'm going to step grandkid functions in 10 years and have no kids of my own, how will I feel? The rest of my life at weddings, graduations, family reunions...all completely centered around the skids and their families and their kids...how will I feel? I think, if I'm honest with myself, I know that I can't do it.
So, for those who have left...how did you do it? How did you know it was the right thing to do? Do you regret your decision at all?
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Here's my advice. I'm getting
Here's my advice.
I'm getting ready to turn 43. Recently spoke with DH about how much regret I have over not having a child of my own. (he has 3) Now I feel like that ship has sailed and it is too late. We had conversations about an "ours" child on and off during the years I was 36-38. He always said he was tired of raising kids and wanted to "have fun".
During this conversation, it really came out how much loss and regret I dealt with, and how this was a part of life I have to let go of and will never experience.
I was FLOORED when he said he never knew how much I really wanted a child, and the thought we were "just talking", not that any definitive choices had been made.
Obviously, we were not on the same page, and now it hurts 5x more to know that I *could* have had a child if I had only spoken up or communicated my desires more clearly.
So sit your DH and be very very clear with him. If a child is something you want, you deserve it. If it is a deal breaker for you, tell him.
Tell him now.
It will never be "the right time". There will never be "enough money". Those are bullshit excuses. My parents had me when they were struggling with two other kids, starting careers, and barely getting by. They were married for 42 years until my Dad passed away. No excuses, you can make anything work if you want it enough.
This makes me really sad,
This makes me really sad, furkids. Would you consider adopting or donor eggs? I know that's a really personal thing, but when you get done grieving at least consider it. There are many wonderful ways to build a family!
I haven't left, but most of
I haven't left, but most of the questions on your list could probably be answered by a competent divorce attorney. I suggest you consult one, and strongly consider mediation rather than a full-throttle antagonist divorce.
However I don't think you're there yet. If I were you I would consult with the divorce attorney and then sit your husband down and let him know that having kids is a deal-breaker for you, and that given his past actions you suspect he does not want more kids. Tell him that's ok, but you can't live your life that way and are strongly considering divorce. Then see what he DOES. I would not be interested in what he says, since he's said he wants kids but has constantly back-Burnered it. Either you two start trying for a family NOW, or you leave. Those are his two options.
I'm in complete support of you BTW. I think having your own kids is a fundamental life choice. If you want it, you should have it, whether by birth adoption or whatever. It's not something you can compromise on and I think you're right if you do you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment. You owe it to both of you not to do that.
I'd also go to my GYN and ask for a fertility assessment now. They can measure your FSH and AMH levels and give you a pretty good idea how easy it will be to get pregnant. I'm 35 and on my 3rd round of IVF. If I'd known I had the ovaries of a woman 10 years my senior I would have started earlier!
Anyway, not exactly what you asked for, but my two cents. Good luck!
Friends of my brothers just
Friends of my brothers just broke up because he wants kids and she doesn't. They are late 30s.
It's sad because they are really great together and this is the one thing between them. However, he found he was starting to resent her and knew he had to do what was right for him.
What started out as a very amicable split is very quickly becoming acrimonious. He's dating already and she is pissed!
You need to do what's right for you.
I guess I should give a
I guess I should give a little more background.
I feel like I have been VERY clear with him. He needs a surgery to be able to procreate again...and that's what he's been putting off. He swears up and down it's just as important to him as it is to me...he's even found the place and done the initial consultation. He's healthy...a good candidate. But when it comes to scheduling the actual surgery appointment (1 day, outpatient) there's always something more pressing to do with our time and money.
And you're right. I love the skids but I've started resenting the sight of them because I feel like I'm spending $$$ on indulgences for them rather than having my own kid.
I think it probably is time for me to go, but I'm so sad about it.
Ok, I'm assuming your husband
Ok, I'm assuming your husband has had a vasectomy. So had mine so I do have a little more advice for you. You may know most of this already, but just in case... Vasectomy reversals can be expensive and don't always work. The biggest factor causing them not to work is the length of time since the vasectomy. Your husband's kids are older so I am guessing his may have been awhile ago. He should also have had an FSH tested to see how his current sperm production is. If his FSH is high, you may not have a good result either.
All my earlier advice about you getting a fertility evaluation still stands, and is in fact even MORE important. That is because you do not need him to get a reversal in order to get pregnant if you go directly to IVF. At the time of fertilization they can aspirate his sperm from epididymis (it's not that bad!) and fertilize the eggs. If you are already 35, or if you have any fertility issues whatsoever, by the time he has the reversal then wait for months to year for the sperm to come back, you are wasting valuable time that could better be spent doing IVF now. And the cost of IVF is a little more than a reversal, but with much better results in your situation.
If you know you gotta go, then you gotta go. Only you can know this. But the fact that you are sad about gives me pause.
Would you consider making an appointment at an IVF clinic and going forward yourself? The ball would then be in your court, not his. A urologist employed by the IVF clinic would take care of getting the sperm from him on the day you had the egg retrieval, so there wouldn't be much way for him to get out it.
Why would you want to have a
Why would you want to have a child with someone who clearly doesnt want anymore. He'll resent you for it. Just as you will resent him for not having kids together.
Why would you want to have a
Why would you want to have a child with someone who clearly doesnt want anymore. He'll resent you for it. Just as you will resent him for not having kids together.
It does not seem that he
It does not seem that he wants more children and if he needs his vasectomy reversed chances that it being successful are slim to none. One of my friends went through that with her husband. My DH went through that with his 2nd wife, at first she did not want to have kids and he had a vasectomy and then she wanted it reversed shortly after because she changed her mind. From the conversations that we had about it I am sure he was relieved about not having another child and starting over. They did not even have any outside interests together, they almost lead separates lives, her at her horse stable and him in the city.
When my DH and i met, I knew I did not want anymore children, I did not want to start over (mine was 15 years old), I had my taste of freedom and I did not want to go back to a world of sleepless nights, babysitters and playdates. I am now 42 and we are empty nesters (skid kicked out living on his own in the last year now with BM and my son in University) and neither one of us would change it.
I am not totally positive however could you DH be stringing you along about having a kid, maybe long enough that time runs out for you? How important is it to you to have a child of your own? If it is extremely important that you he should be doing anything and everything to make it happen otherwise like I said he may be stringing you along.
If living in a marriage not having your own children is a deal breaker for you, then it he is not stepping up and doing whatever it takes then you know that you need to do.
Good luck to you.
BTW- My DH's 2nd ex-wife met a man within a year, fell in love and within 2 years became pregnant. He had no other children an they are very happy. My DH is very happy that he did not have any more kids and is very happy to be married to someone who is in the same place/stage in life, with the same hobbies and same goals.
I agree with the others that
I agree with the others that if not having a baby is a deal-breaker, you need to tell your DH.
My DH is 15 years older than me, and initially wanted children when we met (I was 29). We struggled with infertility, and he was fine with our life without kids, so he wanted to give up. It was a dealbreaker for me, so I made it very clear that I would do ANYTHING to have my children. I resented SD's existence more and more very year (and her bratty entitled teenage behavior with poor parenting made it even worse.) I knew that I would end up resenting DH if I didn't do everything I could.
DH said to me once that any man who marries a woman of child-bearing age and the woman wants a baby, he owes it to her. When going through IVF, he originally said one chance and we're done, but he saw how much it affected me, and said he would do whatever it takes for me to achieve it. IVF didn't work, but I was one of the lucky ones to end up having a baby. My feelings toward SD are MUCH more tolerant now that I have my own children. I even have "aunt-like" feelings toward her at times.
If you love your DH and everything is else is good (financially, you sound like you can handle a baby. They're expensive, but if you can travel now, you're fine!) then make it clear how badly you want a baby.
Thank you, everyone. DH has
Thank you, everyone.
DH has always loved kids and been an involved father with his own. He's a great parent, for the most part. When we started dating (I was 28, he was 38) he talked about having kids together more than I did. I figured maybe one day I'd want them, but it wasn't top of mind.
I don't think he lied to me or misrepresented himself...and even now, he says that he really wants to. What he's told me is that he's afraid to get the procedure because, if it doesn't work and it's clear we can't have kids, he thinks I'll leave him...that I'm asking him to do something that will be the beginning of the end of our marriage. I've told him that reasoning makes no sense to me...that, to me, him being willing to try means a lot. And that not trying anything at all makes it almost 100% certain that not only will our marriage end...it will end very badly. Anyway, it kind of feels like a lame excuse to me...but, on the other hand, I have no reason to doubt him.
I also have no reason to suspect that I'd be infertile. I come from a huge, Irish Catholic family where 6, 7, 8 kids are the norm. And late in life surprise babies, too. Never had any female issues...regular as clockwork.
I think I'll take WokeUpABug's advice, though, and schedule an eval for myself. I'm also realizing that, while my insurance doesn't cover a reversal at all...it does partly cover other fertility procedures...so it could actually end up being cheaper. At any rate...if I come up with this plan B where I take more of the initiative and he still balks...then I'll have my answer, I suppose.
What I said to my DH when
What I said to my DH when going through infertility treatments was that if I at least had the chance to try for a baby and it didn't happen, I would be ok with it. You could say the same. If you never get the chance to even try, I would think that's more of a dealbreaker than trying and it not working.
I always wanted children -
I always wanted children - very much. Unfortunately I aged out before meeting DH who had a vasectomy (2 weeks after finding out that SS30 was conceived). If I had been fertile I would have had zero compunctions about artificial insemination. I don't think it would have been about "having a child with DH" as to having a child period. But that's me - others have their own motivations.
I'm 40 with a baby. Got
I'm 40 with a baby. Got pregnant at 39 so it is possible!