SD17 wants daddy - oh GAG ME! I want to delete the message!
I don't even know how to write about this. How can this kid want a divorce now? She was just asking us to take her and her new husband on vacation so we could get to know him better. I get home for lunch and there is a message of her crying for her daddy to come and get her. She doesn't want to live with her husband he is an ass to her and is always yelling at her. She must be calling from a friend's phone. I don't recognize it.
What a bunch of crap. I have half the mind to erase the message. I know when DH hears her crying he will go running to her. He would bring her to our house I just know it. Oh I think I will just erase it. It doesn't matter if they know I did it. It is going to be a fight either way. He gets the message and tries to bring her to our house = HUGE ARGUMENT. I erase the message = ARGUMENT TOO.
Then I wonder why she doesn't have her cell phone with her. Did the guy take it from her? What if he is actually hurting her. Oh I'm confused! I know she doesn't know DH's cell off the top of her head so it isn't like she would know how to call him. She has a huge family lots of aunts and uncles that live close I hope she calls them.
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Have DH tell her
Have DH tell her ^^^^^this^^^^^^
As if he would listen to me.
As if he would listen to me. I wish I was there when she actually called. I would have just said you must have the wrong number and hung up. Maybe it was a good thing I wasn't there... }:)
My question is, What is a 17
My question is, What is a 17 year-old doing married?!!!
Oh it is such a long story.
Oh it is such a long story. She is pregnant and BM and her hid the fact from my DH. We found out of Facebook threw DH's brother she got married. It has all been confirmed. Filed to stop CS.
delete * delete * delete
delete * delete * delete it!!!
::blinks innocently:: Message
::blinks innocently:: Message , what message? }:)
Oh I know you are right, but
Oh I know you are right, but I already deleted it. I might come to my senses and tell DH to call her. It felt SOOOOO good to delete it! }:) I know it was wrong, but I just could not help myself. Nobody in the house yet to hear it but me I could not resist.
It felt good? These
It felt good?
These responses are so telling. Are you all just stating what your feelings are or what you would actually do? There's a huge difference in thinking about something and DOING it.
Generic- is that directed to
Generic- is that directed to me the OP? If it is I erased the message. Was I thinking clearly no, but yep it did feel good. I actually deleted it before I read the replies.
I agree it was her mother who
I agree it was her mother who thought this boy was good for SD not my DH. My DH didn't even have the option.
Oh my God, we went through
Oh my God, we went through this exact thing with my SD.
She actually left her husband once and went to her mother's (that lasted a day). When her mother started talking about helping her file for divorce, SD said, "No, I don't want a divorce, I just want to leave him for a couple of weeks to teach him a lesson." BM said she couldn't stay there if she wasn't going to divorce him so SD called her husband to take her home. Nothing but mind games.
BM even called my DH to try to get his help in breaking up SD's marriage (he refused to talk to her).
My husband believes SD pulls crap like this every now and then to test him and see if he will come to her rescue.
Side note: SD's husband divorced her last year and she was, and is, devastated.
SD has learned to play these
SD has learned to play these games from the master of games her BM. I am sure she has no real intention of leaving him. She just wants to make the boy squirm for a bit.
Too late I did.... I am
Too late I did.... I am feeling childish today }:) I know I shouldn't have but I did.
I would not erase the
I would not erase the message. Let DH read it and play boo-hoo with her. She's 17yrs old. Little ditz doesn't have a clue what she wants. It isn't going as she dreamed it would (meet boy, get pregnant, boy and girl live happily ever after). The kid is still a foolish little HS kid trying to live the life of a grown up functioning adult. Mean old new Dh and her might be playing kissy face by morning. Then they'll do it all over again by Friday.
Don't withhold the message. For one if the guy's a real jerk and perhaps abusing her, you'd never be forgiven for pitching the message. For two, if her father has an ounce of sense in his head he'll take this opportunity to give the kid a reality check. She wanted it. She got it and no she isn't running home to Daddy. Adults don't cry boo-hoo and run home the first sign that the immature fool they marry turns out to be a prick. She made her bed now she can figure out how she's going to sleep in it or what she intends to do if indeed she wants out. She's a married woman now, supposedly all grown up blah blah blah and about to be a mother herself.
The only way I really would go fetch her is if she/baby were actually in danger at the moment. Otherwise, it'd be 'well you and that man of yours wanted this now figure it out'.
I figure she is at school and
I figure she is at school and if she were in real danger she would let a friend know. She hasn't really spoken much to DH since she collected her presents on Christmas Day.
This is the winning post! I
This is the winning post! I agree completely with everything!
Patsy, you are ballsy.....and
Patsy, you are ballsy.....and I LOVE IT!!!! Keep us updated on what happens next!
Ha I thought of that too.
Ha I thought of that too. Back when I was checking on the marriage certificate I asked that question and they told me BM basically agreed to emancipate SD so she could get married. An emancipated child is an adult - no support. There might be a way around it, but I doubt BM has the money to fight it.
They lie so much they believe
They lie so much they believe it themselves. I don't trust either one of them.
I think the ones commenting
I think the ones commenting for me to delete it know my story better than you might. I agree it was wrong to do but I did. I dont feel a bit bad about it either maybe I will later......maybe not....
JUST WOW! Wonderfully said!
JUST WOW! Wonderfully said! I had not even thought about the pending grandchild relationship. I agree DH needs to stay out of it for the moment. Not that I was thinking rationally about deleting the message, but if I am asked why I deleted it, I am so going to use what you have said! LOVE THIS BOARD!
EXACTLY - what is the trap
EXACTLY - what is the trap here? This is too soon for her to have "seen the error of her ways"! There is something behind this. She can not go to dinner with DH, but she wants to go on vacation with him. She can't tell her dad she is pregnant and going to get married, but can call him crying that it isn't working out?
Well now I feel sorry for SD.
Well now I feel sorry for SD. Yeah that would hurt if BM isn't helping her and she actually realized BM is the one who always put her against her father. I hope that might be going on here. Just to know that she might be finding out how her BM really is. I am confused as to why my DH and SD's new inlaws have not spoken about all of this. I can't figure if he is upset with them for taking his daughter in or if he is afraid they are upset about it. It could be very possible that they are unhappy about this. The last I heard they were to move into a house close to his family that was left to him by his grandpa. I am not sure if they have yet or if they are there. Maybe my DH is talking to them and I don't know about it.
Thanks for seeing past my
Thanks for seeing past my hostility today LOL. Yes I care about her. I have just recently realized that I have to start giving her some of the blame here too. For years I blamed BM, DH and myself for how this is turning out. I did many things wrong and I know things will not get fixed overnight. I am more angry now than I have been in years! It is coming out wether that is right or wrong I can not contain it any longer. I will continue to fight for my DH and SD, but in a much different way.
I am stepping back and
I am stepping back and thought my husband was doing the same, but after his attitude towards me I am not so sure about that for the moment. I am still seeing red from all of this and I am having a hard time talking to him about it. I have been in SD's life since she was 18 month old. For a period of time I was her main parent. BM was young and wanted to go out every chance she had. DH plays in a band and never was able to plan accordinly bc BM would never hold up on the schedule. When she was 14 she wanted to live with us I was all for it, but that is when BM really poured on the PAS. I reminded my husband of this and also of the years I paid HIS child support obligation. I told him he never ever act like I stood in the way of their relationship. I know SD doesn't know all of this and is probably talking to DH saying it is all my fault. HE has nothing to say back to her except that I was the one NOT him who tried the hardest for him to have a relationship with his daughter. When she was two he was going to sign an agreement that if he were to allow a name change to BM's new husbands that he would not have to pay support. Being the idiot that he was he thought he would still get to see his daughter. I made him realize this was just the first step to getting BM's husband to adopt SD. I know he can't tell SD this, but he sure as $hit better not let her think I have anything to do with their strained relationship.
But it's one thing to pretend
But it's one thing to pretend to not have heard the message and actually erasing the message. One is passive aggressive but the other is hostile. Just disengage from the machine lol- don't tamper with the messages just because you don't like the caller. What if DH did that to one of your girlfriends that he despises (don't lie, there's always one friend DH wishes would walk off a short pier). Maybe she was drunk, had a fight with her boyfriend and is stranded in a parking lot crying for the 3rd time this week? He would love to wipe her message out, but is that his decision to make? No- it would be better to just pretend to have not heard it.
Anyway, at the very least, you should let DH know you will not be taking messages off the communal machine anymore. And that it would be wise that he should only rely in his cell phone. He deserves a heads up right?
Hostile - LOL yes I will own
Hostile - LOL yes I will own that I am hostile today! On the friend thing, well my friends are smart enough to find me if they really need me. He has erased messages for me before, but not being mean. They just weren't important to him so it slips his mind. I dont get mad I am use to him thinking of himself first. My friends have my cell number if they really need me. IF they were calling for help and needed me yeah I would be mad he erased it. Look, I am not expecting him to not be mad that I erased the message. I am fully prepared for his anger for what I did. He would be justified to feel that way too. After 15 years of this craziness it was bound to happen. I did the wrong thing and as a step it will be held against me. I am sick of doing the wright thing. I think I will see what doing the wrong thing will get me.
It was very empowering, but I
It was very empowering, but I assume I will convey the message to him tonight. That is if he is even speaking to me after last night's silence. HA I hope he does bring up the vacation again. That would be the perfect time to bring up the message! Oh really she wants you to get to know her new husband by bringing them all on vacation? I think she should have gotten to know him better for herself after the message I erased off the machine today!!!!!!
I am thinking he must have
I am thinking he must have been her last effort. She has a huge family. The family that has always tried to keep her from my DH. A family that fell for all the bashing BM put out about my DH. Maybe they are begining to see things how they really are. I can not imagine not one of them wanting to run to her rescue. BM is probably telling her no you can't come home. I am not going to get child support for you anymore...
So deleting the message is
So deleting the message is for her own good? Come on- you and me both know this is not about tough love.
Enlighten me what do you
Enlighten me what do you think you know about my life that I don't?
Ok well humor me. Is this
Ok well humor me. Is this about tough love? Is that the basis of the actions? Really? I don't know your situation- but the emotions you describe that relate to this message thing do not indicate you are doing it for her own good. Seems to me you're sick of her drama and rightly so! But own it- don't make excuses. It invalidates your feelings- and perpetuates SM myths.
No, I never said it was about
No, I never said it was about tough love! I said I was hostile and childish - did you not read my posts? I said it felt good to delete it and my husband will be rightfully mad about it. I don't give a flying crap about the SM myths - Disney took care of that for all of us years ago.
Well, technically I was
Well, technically I was responding to notsam regarding "for her own sake".
Patsy, she's been here three
Patsy, she's been here three days. (explaining her expert assessments). She doesn't know any of us. Or our stories or the pressures we live crammed under. *sigh*
This has always been a fear
This has always been a fear of mine for her. She has never fallen without a hand there waiting for her. If someone is always there to pick you up you never learn to get up on your own.
AMEN!! I just wonder if he
AMEN!! I just wonder if he will mention the whole vacation thing tonight since last night he stayed silent. He can never go as long as me without speaking. I hope he brings it up then I will gladly tell him of the message.
Hopefully, by the time your
Hopefully, by the time your DH calls her, she will have changed her mind and your DH will see how flaky she is. And the next time she does it, he will not jump to her rescue.
I thought about that too. He
I thought about that too. He should know this by now, why doesn't he get it already! He knows the lies BM and SD say about him so how would SD even think that if she talked to her Dad that he would automatically believe her?
I think her mother is
I think her mother is embarassed that she is pregnant. That was the main reason why I think she rushed her to get married. She did it in another state hoping we would not find out, but come on all that just to get a few weeks more worth of support? The ding bat had to of known in our small town we would have found out.
My inlaws have told me that
My inlaws have told me that for years. When the money is gone and BM is not influencing SD anymore she will end up with us. Funny thing is they say that like it is a good thing! What world are they living in? Why would that be good? I have an idea, SD realizes all the trouble she has caused and that she has burned her bridge with her stepmother and now she has to stop playing grown up and actually be one. Now that would be a good thing!
Yeah I do too. I want a
Yeah I do too. I want a relationship for the sake of my DD and DH and SD, but no I do not want her to be dependant upon other people for the rest of her life.
I would suggest dh take sd
I would suggest dh take sd out to lunch at a restaurant she likes so he can find out what's really going on.
Tbh I'd be pi$$ed if my dh deleted a voicemail of mine, especially from a loved one. You should apologize to him. Yes, either way, things would've ended in an argument. Sd probably is scared, and while dh shouldn't bail her out, this could be a good time for them to patch things up.
Yeah I would be pi$$ed to but
Yeah I would be pi$$ed to but it is done. HE is not speaking to me at the moment. Yesterday SD asked if her and new hubby could go on vacation with us so he could get to know him. DH thought it might be a good idea. I said HELL NO. That is all the communucation we have had since yesterday afternoon. I really don't care what he does with SD, i would love for them to work things out. What I won't tolerate is him playing the guilt card or being passive aggressive. What I did was not passive agressive I will tell him I erased the message. If he asks why, who know what I will say... }:)
I'm sorry I completely
I'm sorry I completely disagree and I think some people on here are hypocrites. I posted last week about leaving my ah which was met with agreement. I'm 29 and have gone to my parents house for the past week. Now while I am mature enough not to ring them and leave sub a message i think she is only 17 and maybe she is in danger you don't know. It is not your place to do so and if your dh wants her to stay while she gets on her feet that is his prerogative. Tell me rationally you would turn away your own dd. bullshit.
NO it is not his perogative
NO it is not his perogative for him to bring her to our home. He can take her aways from there if he wants, but no he can not bring her here! What he paid in support a month would cover a very nice apartment for her.
IF my own daughter tried to hide the fact that she had goten married while she was in highschool. NO I would not run to her she can turn to freinds or other family for that. She can speak to a guidance counselor at school for that matter. SD was in school while making the call she is in no imeadiate danger. Her words were her hubby was being an ass and she doesn't want to live with him. No mention of anything beyond that.
I don't know what she has
I don't know what she has done in the past and I would hate to come across like the unsupportive trolls which scour these sites but I'm sorry if that is a parents job. Fine put a time restriction on it - 1 week etc to get herself sorted but how disgusting of your dh not to stand up to you and tell you that it is his home as well and if his only 17 hear old daughter may be in serious harm or distress your doors are closed. Shame on you.
SHAME ON ME? LOL Bringing
SHAME ON ME? LOL Bringing his 17 year old daughter to this house only causes harm to his marriage and our 13 year old daughter. As well as our neices we have custody of. Shame on him for raising an entitled brat! No you do not know what she has done in the past.
On the note of don't give
On the note of don't give them a penny. I moved money out of the account he has access to. My DH has never gotten into our finances. He has never wanted to. I think to balance a checkbook and to see what little we have left depresses him. Well DUH it depresses me too. DH is not a big spender by any means, but he does seem to think the debitcard is magic. This is why I refuse to have any credit cards!
JustWow- Thanks for bringing
JustWow- Thanks for bringing that point up. It is hard for me to say NO to her. I like to act like it isn't but it is. I have made a stand to not take this crap anymore. I was young when I took this on and did not realize that I was overstepping by parenting her. Oh how I wish I didn't. I am the only loser in this scenario.
Notasm - what an ignorant
Notasm - what an ignorant comment for you to make but based on your previous comments and posts I would expect no less. Please refrain yourself to comment on people that you actually know rather than comment on my situation which you know absolutely nothing about. and btw if staying with people for a few days after your marriage falls apart is a bad thing, I'm so glad I do not know any people like you in my real life
Gave the message to him -
Gave the message to him - well sent a text that SD called today upset about her husband and needs to talk to him. Didn't realize how late it was getting.
I think you are correct on
I think you are correct on all points here. It will not serve any good purpose for DH to get involved in this. She is carring this boy's baby. He is going to be in all of our lives when this baby comes. HE is the dad and by marring her and moving her into his inherited home I feel he is doing the best he can. Is he an ass? I don't know he could be but it is too early to tell his true colors.
Well I'll be damned he grew
Well I'll be damned he grew some balls! No details yet all I know is he called and I don't see him rushing out the door. He is still giving the silent treatment but I am about to blow that out of the water!
Actually no a week to stay
Actually no a week to stay with mum and dad while looking for a new place to live is sufficiently fine. I think he is well within his rights to have his daughter stay for one week to get back on her feet. I never said to move in for good and I have not done that. If she is in real danger and u do not help her your marraige will not recover as you will get the blame from dh. IMHO of course.
Do you realize that OP's SD
Do you realize that OP's SD has only been "married" for about a week??
I agree with everyone who says make her stand on her own (barring any type of physical abuse). And as an aside, having a teenage daughter myself, what exactly does SD mean when she says her new DH is being an "ass"?? I think there is a whole huge range of definitions with that statement... and for any other adult to go rushing in BLINDLY would be wrong on a lot of levels.
I got married the first time when I was 21, then immediately had to move 1200 miles away from my family, friends, and all that was familiar. Looking back, that was probably the best thing that could have happened. I'd be wrong to say there weren't a BAZILLION times the statement "My husband is an ass" ran thru my head in my marriage. I cringe to think what would have happened if it was sooo easy to call my parents to have them come rescue me.
Exactly one week. There was
Exactly one week. There was no mention of abuse just that he was an ass. She calls my DH an ass. LOL he can be, as most people can, but to her, no he has not been an ass.
NO he has no buisness butting
NO he has no buisness butting in on a week old marriage without seeing any real cause of danger to his child. An argument and calling your husband an ass does not constitiute to me that she is any danger. At this point in time I am not worried about my marriage. My husband should be worried about it.
StepAside - I understand what
StepAside - I understand what you are saying. Deleting the message was wrong. Your advice is along the lines of what I myself would advise a new stepmother.
It was not a text is was on our home answering machine. I told DH I erased it, but he needed to call her. I did not imply that it was a mistake. He didn't even care to ask why. We are NOT fighting about this. HE is not speaking to me since I said HELL NO to SD and her husband going on vacation with us.
I do not worry about my credibility. I worry about his. I have been here in the "muck" for 15 years. I have made many stands. I have done what I should have done for this girl. For year I warned them all of the pending outcome if SD is allowed to constantly do what she wishes. Well now the day is here and nobody know how to handle it.
Question. If she does divorce
Question. If she does divorce him does that mean your DH will have to start paying CS again? I hope not.
From what I know so far. SD
From what I know so far. SD was emancipated. Even if they get divorced they will need. To go through the courts to reverse that. If it is reversed then DH would have to. It is a possibility.
I would like to point off
I would like to point off straight away Patsy that in no way were my comments a personal attack on you - thid website has been a god send to me for the past 3 years and I know how hard it is to be a SM!!! And I would hate for my ss to move in with me full time lets get that straight. But I do think that 17 is too young to be married and yes she is going to still be immature for that reason (so I agree with other posters about running back to daddddddddyyyyy ). However, you are seriously unsure of what is going on in SDs life at the moment. My comments were based purely on the benefit for your marriage. I think it would look really bad to dh if you do bnot appear to be supportive with this but the key is to set boundaries for you and dd e.g. she stays for a set amount of time until she can get herself sorted. My genuine opinion is she is doing it to get back at her husband after a petty fight which will only last a night or two. If this happens on a regular basis your dh will get tired of this easily and then you are not the bad guy.... get what im saying? If you set a time frame from the start it will not in any way hurt your marriage and I think your dh will appreciate and love you all the more for it (it seems your dh has guilt issues here anyway) so I would put your boundaries in place from the beginning e.g. dh she can stay here for set time based on the assumption that she is in serious need of somewhere to stay and this is only for a certain period and will NOT disrespect you or dh or dd in any way during this time. Let us know what happens but dont make yourself out to be the bad guy here, I think sd will do this all by herself based on what you have posted previously.
Yeah I get what you are
Yeah I get what you are saying. I have no problem with any opinions I get. Lol I may dish out to the ones I don't agree with, but I always value and opinion and any time people take to comment on a blog of mine.
As far as proving to my husband that I stand with him not against him. After all these years he should know this. I don't feel I need to prove it any longer. He knows me well enough that if I felt SD was in danger I would be there for her. I wouldn't close my door to anyone in real need.
I feel it is time for my husband to stand with me. In the end kids will choose their own path. For my husband and myself we chose to love, honor and cherish one another for the rest of our lives. Me blocking his daughter from coming into our home is what I feel is best for our marriage and our other daughter. I know I said I instead of we, but actually as of tonight my husband is in the same boat with me on this. Thanks for your time. Don't ever feel that you have to justify a post to me. Your post is your opinion and that is what I am asking for when I come here. Thanks again!