Should I tell him?
So two days ago, I blogged about the stupid argument DF and I had about loving each other's kids as much as our own. I was so glad to read that I am not the only one who thinks it is nearly impossible to love another woman's kids as much as my own. However, there is this other issue that I am unsure about. DF and I live in one state and his daughters live about 1,000 miles away. We go to visit them 4 times a year and they spend holidays and summers with us. However, DF has this idea that his kids are going to live with us someday. He will talk to them on the phone and say, "Not right now. But I think someday that SDs are going to ask to live with us." Every time he says this, I get apprehensive. I don't dislike his daughters, but they can be a handful. They live with their BM and she doesn't enforce any rules. We call to talk to them and it sounds like a jungle in her house. And, SD9 is very difficult when she doesn't want to do something. The last time we were together at Christmas, SD9 didn't want to go to bed. And DF told her after this show the TV would shut off and she had to go to sleep. The timer on the TV shut off and SD9 was still awake. She goes downstairs and starts screaming and throwing a fit. She woke up the entire household (we were at my parent's house). Something like this happens at least once every time we see them.
I also have two bio kids by my ex. They only live with us 50% of the time. My ex and I work together so the kids can have a relationship with both of us. I am almost positive that my kids will never live with us full-time, unless something unexpected happens. Also, DF and I would like to have one more kid. We have discussed this and I agree that I would like to have another kid. This kid would be the only one living with us 100% of the time. However, when he starts talking about his girls moving in here, I get nervous about it. His daughters would be a bigger expense. Also, because of his working hours, I would be the one taking care of them most of the time. I have really learned to enjoy my quiet time when its just me. And, I like the idea of having times when it would just be us and our kid. Obviously, I love with Bio kids and stepkids are here. But, I don't think I want it to be all the time. I feel like it is a little unfair of him to just expect me to agree to have his kids move in here 100% of the time. This means I would spend more time raising my Skids more than my own. It would be different if he would be helping me more, but I would be the one taking and picking them up from school, helping with homework, etc.
I know this is long, but the problem is that I am unsure if I should tell him now. We aren't married yet. Part of me thinks I should not rock the boat about something that might not happen. Another part of me thinks that I should address this with him before we get married. I hate the thought that this might happen in a couple of years and cause resentment between us. What do you think? Should I be honest with him and tell him that I don't think I will ever want them to live with us?
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This is a difficult
This is a difficult situation. When my SD lived with us full-time it was just announced to me that she was coming. I put on a good face, but inside I was miserable and I developed some very unhealthy behaviors to help myself cope (resolved now). I think you should try to feel the waters out before you tell him you don't want them there full time. Ask your SO how he sees the situation panning out. Will he be there with yall all the time (I was left with my SD 5-6 nights/week bc my DH worked)? How will discipline work? Bring up the behaviors you're concerned about. Are there grandparents/other relatives around that could watch his children on an occasional weekend so that yall could still have alone time? All these things, and everything else that concerns you (finances, taking them to school, dr, events, etc) need to be thought about and seriously discussed ahead of time. If he blows you off bc the situation is just a "some-day" thought right now, then that's a concern bc he needs to take you seriously and he needs to have all these things thought out before he even thinks about his children coming to live with yall. And at the end of the day, if he says his girls are coming whether you agree or not, you need to think about if you're willing to give it a chance or go. I stuck with my DH bc I love him, but believe me, I was miserable for a while and would cringe every time I heard my SD coming down the hallway (she has ADHD that DH refuses to get medication for - she's a good child, but can be quite frustrating, and the fact that my DH would not get her on meds even though she was diagnosed and given an Rx told me that DH didn't give a shit about how her behavior was affecting SD and my desire to even be around her, when I was her primary caregiver). Not a nice way to live in your own home.
When you are with a man who
When you are with a man who has kids, there is always a chance that the kids will live with you. If you know you absolutely do not want that and he absolutely does, it's probably best to end the relationship.
Or you can talk to him about it and explain that you are not crazy about the idea of the kids living with you but if it were to happen, these are the boundaries that need to be in place and tell him that he is the one who will have to parent them, including figuring out their transportation and helping them with homework.
If his work schedule is such that he could not take them if he was single, then he should not assume that you are going to take over the responsibility of raising his children. He needs to look at the situation realistically.
A lot of men think it's a great idea to get full custody of their children as long as they have someone else to take care of them.
yes, it's funny they never
yes, it's funny they never dream of custody until they find a new live in, isn't it? yes, he needs to know the rules surrounding this possibility. I told my dh that we will never go for custody ($10k retainer fee), but if they were placed with us or bm died, I was fine with that. apparently, bm has been seen fit to be custodial (I would disagree). he chose this woman to be the mother of his kids, let her mother.
^^ Totally agree. My fiance
He says it's my job as a SM but I don't see why they can't just stay with theur mother. After all, he was the one that chose her
I wouldn't talk to him about
I wouldn't talk to him about it unless it is REALLY about to happen.
Then you could let him know - you already have a full plate & he will need to adjust his work schedule to raise them. Unless by them your mind changes & you feel ok with helping.
But yeah, don't worry about tomorrow today - today has enough worries of it's own.